7 things you don’t want to hear from your doctor

  1. Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.
  2. It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?
  3. The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.
  4. Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.
  5. Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.
  6. Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.
  7. Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.
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I'm from a long line of space aliens that were dropped here to observe and report. I'm also a atheist graphic designer/web developer from Toronto.