How to become a hero in the sack

  1. Find a cool nickname
  2. Create a catchphrase
  3. Wear a costume
  4. Refer to yourself in the third person
  5. Increase your body vibration
  6. Announce the name of the techniques before you apply them
  7. Create hype for your performances weeks in advance
  8. Use words like “epic” and “earth-chattering”
  9. Use cheerleaders, soundtrack music and canned applause
  10. Bring an audience to witness your might

Bad sporting goods ideas

  • Green camouflage golf balls
  • White toboggans
  • 50kg soccer balls
  • Transparent hockey pucks
  • 5mm Micro-basketball
  • Hockey skating stilts
  • Wool swimsuit
  • Retractable vaulting pole
  • Styrofoam throwing disc
  • Meat-flavored deep-sea diving suit

Top12 Public Speaking Tips

  1. Make sure you speak in a very soft voice — whisper even; people will pay more attention.
  2. Distract the audience with loud noises or pretend to slip and fall whenever you are not sure what to say.
  3. Mumble or speak much faster when you say things that are controversial, unfounded or simply wrong.
  4. Dress very provocatively or 4 sizes too small. This will give the audience something to look at when you try to remember where you are in your speech.
  5. Don’t be afraid to sound racist, sexist, arrogant or plain dumb. This will set you apart from the polished and professional speakers and make you seem edgy. And remember: swear words are your friends.
  6. Play background music very loud. People don’t have to hear every words you say.
  7. Make sure the print-outs of your speech don’t match your actual speech. This will force people to talk to you after the talk.
  8. Wear squeaky shoes — whimsical effects are always welcome.
  9. Accentuate the dramatic effect of your points with sound effects.
  10. Make sure to always exaggerate the numbers you say — whose going to fact-check your presentation anyway?
  11. Try changing your voice every 3 or 4 minutes to Yoda, Scooby Doo, Mr. T, Bill Cosby, Sponge Bob, etc. This will keep the audience alert and receptive.
  12. Don’t be afraid to make up words. People will think you are more knowledgeable than them.

Great New Summer Camps

Hey kids! Tired of lame old camps where you play soccer, sing songs and roast marshmallows? Welcome to our new summer camps:

Camp Funny Faces
This camp will teach you the basics of plastic surgery, then you get to practice on our “volunteers”! See the hilarious results as they look themselves in a mirror to admire your masterpieces! Fun for 5 to 12 years old.

Character Building Underground Fun Camp
Want to learn the value of hard work? Try our Character Building Underground Fun Camp where you will whistle and smile while pushing carts full of coal 3 km underground for 16 hours a day. After 2 months, your friends will admire your pale complexion and your sparkling red eyes!

Urban Archaeology Summer Camp
Thrift through discarded historical items, play with our cute “pet” rats in their natural habitat, share stories with our bearded unwashed “counsellors” and enjoy the natural aroma of your antique dwelling.

Please note that our “Drug Mule Camp“, “Road Kill Cooking Camp“, “Prison Janitorial Camp“, “Fun with Explosives” and “Free Fall Madness” have been temporarily cancelled.

Ridiculously Optimistic

  1. You say a hurricane is coming like it’s a bad thing!
  2. I make the Pawn Shop happy with the 47% interest I pay.
  3. Having that debilitating decease just makes me learn more about biology!
  4. The zombies apocalypse is not so bad. More parking space for me!
  5. I did get knocked out 12 times in the first round, but I think I figured out his timing!
  6. The colours of that massive oil spill are so pretty!
  7. Yes my new roommate is smelly, psychotic, violent and a crack-addict, but she’s doesn’t even mind when you use her toothbrush.
  8. I found out I’m adopted and my biological parent carry that deadly hereditary anomaly. Was about time I won something!
  9. I lost my job after 23 years and my wife left this morning. Finally time for my hobby!
  10. Came home to an empty apartment. The robbers took everything. I love it; it’s like campaign now!

Greatest Protests

Instead of asking for higher wages, more vacation time and retroactive whatnots, we should demand more important things on picket lines:

“Abolish sleep!”
Without sleep, we could be more productive, spend more time practising our hobbies, going to the gym, watching movie and sipping cocktails on the beach!

“Less gravity!”
With reduced gravity, we could walk much further, jump higher, carry more bags, use less fuel on our planes and rockets…

“Slow down the earth!”
With the Earth rotating slower, our days would be longer, thus allowing us to do more things in a day! We should also demand for a slower rotation around the Sun to make the years longer.

Digital to Physical

Our lives are spent in 2 different worlds: the physical and the digital world. There are already many ways to merge the 2 worlds, but a few very important ones are missing:

  • Transfer digital money from online games into our real bank accounts
  • Change our body with Photoshop
  • Use different avatars that would change how we look
  • An UNDO button that world in the physical world
  • Cheat codes to bypass traffic, teleport and run faster
  • Have many lives and heal right away by drinking an healing potion
  • Have a 3D printer that can print anything you find on the Internet, including people
  • Pause an event to give us time to think
  • Copy and paste actions in the real worlds
  • Write scripts to perform real life redundant and mundane tasks, such as getting the garbage out every Thursday at 7am
  • Get coins by kicking garbage cans and jumping on roofs

New TV shows

Reno & Run!

Interior designers and painters break into houses when people are sleeping to repaint and decorate their kitchens, bathrooms or even bedrooms.
They have to make sure to cut those pesky alarm system wires before they begin their intrusion and dress up as ninjas.
Before leaving, they hide camera to watch the reaction of the house owners.

The Nose

Blindfolded contestants have to smell people and guess who they are. Highlights of the show include a 80 homeless man with chronic diarrhea, a sweaty sumo and a sardine worker.

Win it Back

An hilarious reality TV contest where 5 random strangers are abducted and one of their organs removes. They are then invited to guess which one is their organ. If they guess correctly, they can have it back!

Mile-High Roulette

5 contestants are pushed down a plane with only 4 of them having a real parachute. Each round, one of the contestants gets flattened, while the final remaining contestant wins the $50,000 prize.

Mythical Fine Dining

Medusa Kebab Plate
Comment: the potatoes were rock hard.

Kraken Steak
Comment: Good, but you really have to go through hoops to get that meal.

Mummy Chicken Wrap
Comment: I felt a bit strange for days after eating it… like I was cursed or something.

Werewolf Stew
Comment: Tender, but i wish they did a better job at shaving the meat…

Invisible Man’s Salad
Comment: Not happy. $12 for a salad and it seemed like an empty bowl to me…

Overheard from the Bedroom

  1. Wait, who’s that?
  2. I told you it wouldn’t fit in there!
  3. Did you keep the instructions?
  4. Are you sure it’s dead?
  5. Will the owner look for it?
  6. It’ll wake the neighbors up for sure!
  7. Stop, there is an oil leak!
  8. We need a bigger tarp!
  9. It looks dangerous!
  10. Stop, it’s stuck!
  11. You didn’t know about the camera in the mirror?
  12. Turn to the left and smile!
  13. What the *&?&# is that?
  14. Stop crying, I’ll buy you a new one…
  15. Won’t it overflow?
  16. I never noticed you had 3!
  17. It just won’t stretch that far!
  18. Are you sure it’s legal?
  19. I’m missing a bolt.
  20. Wow, I didn’t know it could explode!

Great Unfeasible Idea 1

Concept:
Matter is mostly empty space so a solid surface is only an illusion. The atoms themselves are mostly empty space as the particles are very small compared to the size of the atom. The idea is to compress matter by collapsing the empty space between the atoms — very much like how we compress computer files by removing empty spaces and mapping where the spaces should be.

Application:
Compressed Hydro-balls. A sphere the size of a ping-pong ball could contain the same amount of water as an Olympic-size pool. We could use those balls to easily ship large quantity or water to irrigate farms or desert.

Problems:

  1. The ping-pong-size Hydro-Ball would weight exactly the same as all the water contained in an Olympic-size pool, which holds 88,287 cubic feet of water. Each cubic foot of water weighs 62.43 pounds. The tiny Hydro-Ball would they weigh 5.5 million pounds or 2.5 million kilos. Imagine shipping a box full of Hydro-Balls…
  2. Finding a way to keep matter from re-expending would be amazingly difficult.
  3. Developing a release mechanism to expend the content of the ball — water — slowly would be next to impossible. Imagine 88,287 cubic feet of water expending from the size of a ping-pong ball to an Olympic pool in 1 nanosecond. It would be similar to an atomic bomb exploding.
  4. Avoiding misuses would be very tricky. Imagine someone who expand a Hydro-Ball in his living room or his car.

Can of Whoop-Ass

  1. Where do you buy it?
  2. Is there a maximum number of can one can possess without being illegal?
  3. Can you store it at room temperature or does it need to be refrigerated?
  4. Does the product have an expiry date?
  5. What happens if you open a can of expired Whoop-Ass? Is it like being beaten up by a 95 year old?
  6. What are the active ingredients?
  7. Can you be allergic or addicted to Whoop-Ass?
  8. Are the generic brands as strong as the Whoop-Ass brand?
  9. Is it stronger if you shake it before opening it?
  10. If you partially open it, does some of the whoop-ass get out, making it less potent?
  11. Do you take any special precautions once you open it?
  12. Does it come with clear instructions?
  13. Does it come in different size?
  14. Does it come in different flavors, like Kung Fu Whoop-Ass, Old School Whoop-Ass, or Grandma’s Xtreme Whoop-Ass?
  15. Do you have to wear protective gear when you open a can of Whoop-Ass?

Exciting New Sports

Micro-marathon
A 23-foot race for people with no endurance

Wide Jump
With both feet together, the athlete who jumps the further sideways wins.

Sliding Pole Vaulting
Like traditional Pole Vaulting, but with the pole completely covered in grease… and without a mat.

Trap Football
Like regular football, but with a special floor that includes trap doors, trampoline patches, random fire and the occasional release of rabid wild boars.

Pea Pushing Marathon
With only a straw in your mouth, you have to blow on a pea for 42 miles.

Extreme Speed Swimming
Covered in food sludge, you have to cross a piranha-infested river.

Monster Truck Polo
Finally, a less aristocratic version of Polo!

10 ways to have fun at meetings, Part 3

  1. If you’re a big burly man, make sure your yellow thong is visible above your belt.
  2. Show everyone around the table how you can fit your fist in your mouth.
  3. On a sunny day, arrive at the meeting with your clothes and hair totally soaked.
  4. Bring a canned laugh machine to emphasize your jokes and a clapping machine to cheer what you say something quasi deep.
  5. Lower every chairs but raise yours. You’ll look much taller.
  6. Before the meeting, place a small mirror, a razor blade and a small amount of sugar on the table, in front of all the seats. Watch who tries it discreetly.
  7. Fill half the chairs with blow-up dolls dressed in 3-piece suits.
  8. Spend 20 minutes to set a laptop, a tablet, 2 smart phones and a portable printer. Then use only pen and paper for the meeting.
  9. When visiting a new company, pretend to be mute and request all communications to be written. At the end of the meeting, thank them verbally.
  10. Warm people before the meeting that you have STS (Selective Tourette Syndrome) triggered by obscure business jargon and yell obscenities every time people mention “leveraging the paradigm shift”, or “Incentivise the top-tier multi-mode architecture”.

Benefits of befriending a ghost

Ghosts, with all their limitations, can still be invaluable friends. By being able to go through walls, disappearing on command, being invisible and floating in mid air, they can help you in many ways:

Spying: They can go see what your competitors are doing and report back to you.

Blackmailing: You can easily gather monetary gain from people’s embarrassing secrets. This is your chance to use that proverbial “fly on the wall”.

Recon: Ghosts can’t really transport anything heavy, so they are pretty useless at stealing gold bars or bags of money for you. But they can look around for you to find safe combination, passwords, names on a list, PIN numbers, etc. No need to learn complicated and illegal hacking techniques with you’re friend with a ghost.

Pranks: With ghosts, the potential for pranks is endless. A head coming out of the toilet, an empty suit chasing your friends, body parts in the soup, a torso peeking through the wall… You’ll never be bored again!

Pretending to have psychic powers: With otherworldly connections, your ghost friend can tell you about your customer’s deceased family members to make you look like the big shot who charges the big bucks.

Preparation: One day, you might have the chance of turning into a ghost yourself, so learn the trick now!

Fun Things to Tell People at Parties

  1. “I won’t drink blood tonight.”
  2. “Man, I’m way too drunk to fight naked!”
  3. “I’m going to clone my favorite flea.”
  4. “I’m a strip-o-clown enthusiast.”
  5. “I’m a field internal plastic surgeon. I can reshape your pancreas in the kitchen with a spoon if you want”
  6. “I used to be rich. Now I love shrimps.”
  7. “You know, I can murder you in this basement and no one will notice.”
  8. “You aura is pulsing to the left. When is the last time you had it aligned?”
  9. “I’ve been a financial advisor to Bernie Madoff and Enron.”
  10. “I’m a Scientologist. I’m Xenu’s brother-in-law.”

Coming next fall to Food TV

Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:

Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

5 Fun Games for Kids

  1. Play “Punch Buggy” in the parking lot of the Volkswagen factory.
  2. Play Hide & Seek in New York’s sewer system.
  3. Sort a colony of fire ants by size.
  4. Count the grains of sand on a beach.
  5. Copy the phonebook, in crayons.

Weather Reports from our Solar System

From Mercury: “Today, arrrgghh it burnnnnnnns! Back to you Ken!”

From the dark side of the moon: “Today, and for the rest of the year, dark, cold and dry. Again”

From Jupiter: “Today, cloudy and poisonous with winds up to 600km/h. Stay indoors if you don’t have to go out.”

From Saturn: “Conditions on the Rings today: icy with clear visibility. Great for skating!”

From Pluto: Today… who cares. No one watches my weather report anyway…

Thanks to my daughter for that great idea!

Coming next fall to Food TV

Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:

Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

5 Fun Games for Kids

  1. Play “Punch Buggy” in the parking lot of the Volkswagen factory.
  2. Play Hide & Seek in New York’s sewer system.
  3. Sort a colony of fire ants by size.
  4. Count the grains of sand on a beach.
  5. Copy the phonebook, in crayons.

Weather Reports from our Solar System

From Mercury: “Today, arrrgghh it burnnnnnnns! Back to you Ken!”

From the dark side of the moon: “Today, and for the rest of the year, dark, cold and dry. Again”

From Jupiter: “Today, cloudy and poisonous with winds up to 600km/h. Stay indoors if you don’t have to go out.”

From Saturn: “Conditions on the Rings today: icy with clear visibility. Great for skating!”

From Pluto: Today… who cares. No one watches my weather report anyway…

Thanks to my daughter for that great idea!

Things you don’t want to hear from your commanding officer in a war.

  1. Backups will soon arrive… as long as the injured blind pigeon delivers our help message.
  2. Don’t worry about being out of ammo. You all know wrestling, right?
  3. Hi all! I’m Jeff and I’ll be your masseur / commanding officer. Who’s first for an oil body rub?
  4. OMG! You’ll look fabulous in those uber cool sparkly one piece!
  5. For your protection, you’ll all wear glow-in-the-dark suits.
  6. I know every troops that went there died a painful death, but this time it might be different!
  7. The force is very strong in our enemy. Let’s all pull our our plastic light saber!
  8. Our clothes are all wet. Quick, everyone naked!
  9. Lets poison their wells, dismember their corpses and tear the rest apart with our teeth, arrrggghhh!
  10. Believe in Xenu and you’ll live!

The Magical Night of Christmas

A noise woke me up in the middle of the Christmas night.

I went downstairs very quietly, grabbing my baseball bat on the way. What I saw left me puzzled and shocked as I peeked through the doorway.

An out of shape bearded old man in a dirty and torn red suit was looking through my wallet. The TV was smashed, most of my DVDs were missing and there was a repugnant odor of vomit and cheap beer emanating from my once pristine living room.

The most disturbing aspect of that sad scene was probably the dried blood stains on his urine-soaked pants. Just before running out of the house, my eyes stopped on the dark curved shape just above his belt — Santa was armed.

America’s Worst Cook – Extreme Edition

In this new TV cooking competition, amateurs contestants use unfamiliar and foreign ingredients to create magnificently awful dishes.
Points are awarded on the effect their food have on the judges.

Projectile Vomiting…….1 point
Nose Bleed………………….2 points
Color Change……………..3 points
Instant Epilepsy………….4 points
Temporary paralysis…..5 points

The blindfolded judges are not allowed to know the ingredients or to smell the dishes before tasting them.

The winner gets 1 year supply of squid suction cups, sheep stomachs and pig snouts. Yum!

3 Great Poor Man’s Pools

The Nascar Pond

  • Get a truckload of used tires from the dump.
  • Get a few used tarps. Use duck take to stitch them together.
  • Pile up the tires 4 feet tall and 3 rows deep to create the walls of the pool.
  • Lay the tarps inside the wall and on the ground of the pool.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy!

Interior Pool

  • Get everything out of your basement.
  • Cover the walls and floor with taped garbage bags.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy your new indoor pool!

The 6-Pack of Fun

  • Get 6 plastic kiddie pools from the dump.
  • Tape them together.
  • Fill them with water.
  • You can invite 7 friends to relax in your warm pools, providing they bring food and drinks.

7 things you don’t want to hear from your doctor

  1. Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.
  2. It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?
  3. The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.
  4. Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.
  5. Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.
  6. Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.
  7. Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.

Top 10 signs you shouldn’t be dating that person

  1. She’s physically abused by her imaginary friends.
  2. Both her parents are mentally-unstable proctologists.
  3. He’s a cult leader and lives in a armed desert compound.
  4. His family members have more guns than teeth.
  5. You see most of her family on the FBI Terror Watch.
  6. He arranged your first date in a slaughterhouse — and he doesn’t work there.
  7. You saw fingernails marks on his door and blood splatter on his curtains.
  8. She constantly yelling and barking at people you can’t see.
  9. He think he’s a vampire that sparkles in the sunlight.
  10. You met her online in a violent psychopath forum.

Things you don’t want to hear

“By the way, you’re adopted. Have a great month at camp sweetie!”

“You didn’t just drink the warm toilet cleaner I put in your coffee mug, did you?”

“The operation went well, except for the folding chair we forgot in your abdomen”

“Hi honey! Sorry to call you while you’re driving on the highway, but I forgot to tell you that the car has no brakes at all”

“The stomach pains you’ve been having are caused by a colony of tapeworms. You have almost no organs left.”

I’m NOT an expert in…

  1. Reverse rhinoplasty
  2. Zoocryoaromatherapy (healing by the smell of frozen meat)
  3. Underwater backgammon
  4. Human taxidermy
  5. Hit and run frontal lobotomies
  6. The mating habits of mythical creatures
  7. Diction coaching for loose-jaw porn actresses
  8. High altitude blindfolded flying trapeze
  9. Grizzly bear hand-to-hand combat
  10. 600lbs marble balls juggling

Not that impressive…

  1. A 68 year-old men that is pretty mature for his age.
  2. A fairly tall giant.
  3. A politician that is not straightforward.
  4. A big sumo.
  5. A lazy cat.
  6. A hyper-active Chihuahua.
  7. A crack addict that is not reliable.
  8. A cult-leader that is slightly creepy.
  9. A monster truck announcer that is shouting.
  10. A pretty accurate watchmaker.

10 things we usually don’t think about

  1. Anorexic sumos
  2. Scantily-clad brick layers
  3. Hairy pole-dancers
  4. A shaved Santa Claus
  5. Drunken librarians
  6. 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
  7. Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
  8. Sane Scientologists
  9. Mini-giants and huge dwarves
  10. Knotty squids

So many forces…

You think your initial physical traits and your behavioral patterns come from genetics and your environments. You think you can use free will to steer your life? Wrong!

So many forces are acting on your life without your control.  You are simply a bobbing pawn in an ocean of external forces.

The following forces have an influence on your character, your level of luck, your whole structure as a human being as well as any event that happens or doesn’t happen to you:

  • the day and year you were born
  • the planets and constellations alignment at the time
  • the combined daily horoscope from all newspaper and websites
  • the chain letter email you do or don’t forward
  • any curse or blessings people give you. Those include voodoo dolls, charms, spells, incantations and potions.
  • the evil eye you receive
  • an ladder you step under, any black cats you cross, anything with the number 13, any mirrors you break, any salt you pour over your shoulder to counter an evil force
  • the will and plan of any gods past or present
  • whether you touch wood or not when you notice you are lucky
  • any good luck charm you wear
  • the energy in a particular location
  • the will of any invisible creature, such as ghost, angel, fairy, etc.
  • the telluric currents (underground low-level electrical grid) that happen to cross your house, mostly your bed
  • any actions you did or habit you had in one of your numerous past lives

Do you think that not believing in those eternal forces is enough to cut the invisible ties and make you master of your destiny?

On aphrodisiacs…

Aphrodisiacs are used since the dawn of time. It is a huge market, particularly in China, for some reasons.

Did you ever stop and think about HOW people found out some substances make them horny?

Some of them might have been eaten as part of a regular meal — chocolate, asparagus or oysters for example. Then the guy noticed that his pants were tighter than usual and that he wanted to jump the farm girl.

Some of them are herbs. We could imagine indigenous guys walking in the forest, very hungry. They pick up some leaves or some foul smelling roots and chew them. Then, BOUM!, full erection!

Some other popular aphrodisiacs could NOT have been tested by accident. Someone walks with a lab coat and a clipboard, and sample everything on the whole planet, then note the effect in their pants it seems. Here are few:
 
Spanish Fly: the dried, crushed body of the green blister beetle known as Cantharis Vesicatoria. I won’t even ask how the first guy found out about this one.
 
Rhinoceros Horn: used by some tribes in Northern India. It is said to make men sexually unstoppable. Unfortunately, the “horny” play on word only works in English, unless the “horn” and “horny” are both “naboualabito’hah” in Sanskrit.
 
Tiger Penis: A much revered as an aphrodisiac in China, Taiwan and South Korea. A Tiger Penis soup is sold for up to $350 per bowl. Who is the first guy who thought: let’s catch a tiger, cut-off his pecker, chew on it for a while, then try with the old lady to see if we notice a difference?
 
Powdered Reindeer Antlers: How would guys in Asia know that the reindeers possess a strong aphrodisiac in their antlers, but only when you grind them up?

Since guys take obviously anything to get aroused, what about selling them things we have too much of, like Northern Ontario Black Flies, Powered Rat’s Tails, Fried Pigeon Livers or Cockroach  Tea?

Today’s beautiful words

Immolation
Based on a desire to know what the marshmellow feels like while roasting in the campfire, immolation is the act of transforming onself into an inspiring lighthouse, using only gasoline and matches.

Defenestration
A sudden need for fresh air is encouraging you to jump out the window and try to fly like a bird. Free at last! (from the French word “fenêtre” — literally, “Out of the window”.

Trepanation
The gentle act of slowly drilling a hole in your head to release the pressure. This should stop those voices from barking orders in your head.

Quotes so wise it’ll make your nose bleed.

“Reality is crossing an energy river by stepping on quantum rocks”

“Wisdom comes from knowing the limits of your own reality”

“Consciousness is to evolution what wisdom is to purpose”

“Logos without pathos is ethos-coated eros”

Quotes by DeliciouslyQuirky.com

Today’s To Do List, Part 1

  1. Change the basic assumptions of the universe.
  2. Triangulate my cereal bowl using its own shadow.
  3. Transmutate Silly Putty into lemon Jell-O.
  4. Create, test and prove a whimsical version of the String Theory called the SillyString Theory.
  5. Lunaform the Earth and Terraform the Moon. Move everybody to the new moon in their sleep and check if anyone notice the switch.
  6. Find a cure to OverSeriousness by splicing Jeans into Daisy Dukes.
  7. Write a Unified Theory Equation that would prove the existence of Nessie.
  8. Convert myself to silicate-based lifeform.
  9. Change the value if Pi from 2.1416 to to 2.1532. Observe the difference and giggle.
  10. Change the structure of the Milky Way to have Earth at the center.

Be my Puppet… with BodySynch

You have a big meeting and you don’t like the way you look? Hire a BodySynch from Ideum. Those LipSynching professionals will speak your works real-time with our patented Puppet 2 way communication system. Come in 3 male styles (hunky poet, successful CEO, bulky marine) and 3 female styles (elegant model, enticing waitress, mysterious executive). Now you can sound smart and look good too!