About admin

I’m from a long line of space aliens that were dropped here to observe and report.

I’m also a atheist graphic designer/web developer from Toronto.

Bad ideas for Kids Books

  1. Anatomy for kids with Hannibal the Cannibal
  2. How to mess your friends’ little brains forever – An Introduction to psychoanalysis for kids.
  3. The monsters under your bed.
  4. Playtime with power tools.
  5. You too can fly!
  6. How to manipulate parents.
  7. No more lemonade — How to make money without your parents knowing.
  8. Selling organs you don’t need.
  9. 20 ways to spread your germs faster!
  10. The cow jump over the land mine.

A question of label

I was raised sort-of passive Catholic. At 10 years old, I became a Non-believer. 10 years later, I thought of myself as an Agnostic. Another 20 years passed and I was an Atheist.

I now think the label Atheist is too restrictive as it only says I don’t believe in a god. There are many things I don’t believe in, like homeopathy, psychics, angels, magical healing, the power of crystals, voodoo, trolls, ghosts, and a lot more.

Skeptic is not bad, but does have a connotation of permanent ambivalence. The right label, if I need one, might be Rationalist or Evidentialist.

Bad product ideas

  1. Mint-flavored drainage rocks
  2. Semi-automatic fast-loading double rifle baby food dispenser
  3. 50″ laptop
  4. Inflatable bear-trap
  5. Human-flavored shark bait
  6. Edible rocket launcher
  7. Gerbil-powered plane
  8. Tethered long-distance drones
  9. Dehydrated rocks
  10. Midriff snow jacket

Illegal

  1. Statutory Alien Probing
  2. Failure to Report Yeti Sighting
  3. Non-consensual Paranormal Intercourse
  4. Unlawful Ghost Impersonation
  5. Unicorn Meat Trafficking
  6. Driving UFO Under the Influence
  7. Resisting Alien Abduction
  8. Unnatural Acts with Extra-terrestrial Beings
  9. Angelic Flight in Non-Flight Zone
  10. Shapeshifting after 11pm

How to become a hero in the sack

  1. Find a cool nickname
  2. Create a catchphrase
  3. Wear a costume
  4. Refer to yourself in the third person
  5. Increase your body vibration
  6. Announce the name of the techniques before you apply them
  7. Create hype for your performances weeks in advance
  8. Use words like “epic” and “earth-chattering”
  9. Use cheerleaders, soundtrack music and canned applause
  10. Bring an audience to witness your might

Bad sporting goods ideas

  • Green camouflage golf balls
  • White toboggans
  • 50kg soccer balls
  • Transparent hockey pucks
  • 5mm Micro-basketball
  • Hockey skating stilts
  • Wool swimsuit
  • Retractable vaulting pole
  • Styrofoam throwing disc
  • Meat-flavored deep-sea diving suit

NOT the same thing

  1. Miracles and magic are NOT the same thing
  2. The resurrected Jesus was NOT a zombie
  3. Speaking to God is NOT the same thing as hearing voices
  4. Prayer is NOT the same as telepathy
  5. Believing in angels is NOT the same as believing in gnomes and unicorns
  6. Faith Financing is NOT as good as Faith Healing
  7. Eating the body of Christ in a wafer is NOT cannibalism
  8. Drinking the blood of Christ in blessed wine is NOT vampirism

Top12 Public Speaking Tips

  1. Make sure you speak in a very soft voice — whisper even; people will pay more attention.
  2. Distract the audience with loud noises or pretend to slip and fall whenever you are not sure what to say.
  3. Mumble or speak much faster when you say things that are controversial, unfounded or simply wrong.
  4. Dress very provocatively or 4 sizes too small. This will give the audience something to look at when you try to remember where you are in your speech.
  5. Don’t be afraid to sound racist, sexist, arrogant or plain dumb. This will set you apart from the polished and professional speakers and make you seem edgy. And remember: swear words are your friends.
  6. Play background music very loud. People don’t have to hear every words you say.
  7. Make sure the print-outs of your speech don’t match your actual speech. This will force people to talk to you after the talk.
  8. Wear squeaky shoes — whimsical effects are always welcome.
  9. Accentuate the dramatic effect of your points with sound effects.
  10. Make sure to always exaggerate the numbers you say — whose going to fact-check your presentation anyway?
  11. Try changing your voice every 3 or 4 minutes to Yoda, Scooby Doo, Mr. T, Bill Cosby, Sponge Bob, etc. This will keep the audience alert and receptive.
  12. Don’t be afraid to make up words. People will think you are more knowledgeable than them.

Great New Summer Camps

Hey kids! Tired of lame old camps where you play soccer, sing songs and roast marshmallows? Welcome to our new summer camps:

Camp Funny Faces
This camp will teach you the basics of plastic surgery, then you get to practice on our “volunteers”! See the hilarious results as they look themselves in a mirror to admire your masterpieces! Fun for 5 to 12 years old.

Character Building Underground Fun Camp
Want to learn the value of hard work? Try our Character Building Underground Fun Camp where you will whistle and smile while pushing carts full of coal 3 km underground for 16 hours a day. After 2 months, your friends will admire your pale complexion and your sparkling red eyes!

Urban Archaeology Summer Camp
Thrift through discarded historical items, play with our cute “pet” rats in their natural habitat, share stories with our bearded unwashed “counsellors” and enjoy the natural aroma of your antique dwelling.

Please note that our “Drug Mule Camp“, “Road Kill Cooking Camp“, “Prison Janitorial Camp“, “Fun with Explosives” and “Free Fall Madness” have been temporarily cancelled.

Ridiculously Optimistic

  1. You say a hurricane is coming like it’s a bad thing!
  2. I make the Pawn Shop happy with the 47% interest I pay.
  3. Having that debilitating decease just makes me learn more about biology!
  4. The zombies apocalypse is not so bad. More parking space for me!
  5. I did get knocked out 12 times in the first round, but I think I figured out his timing!
  6. The colours of that massive oil spill are so pretty!
  7. Yes my new roommate is smelly, psychotic, violent and a crack-addict, but she’s doesn’t even mind when you use her toothbrush.
  8. I found out I’m adopted and my biological parent carry that deadly hereditary anomaly. Was about time I won something!
  9. I lost my job after 23 years and my wife left this morning. Finally time for my hobby!
  10. Came home to an empty apartment. The robbers took everything. I love it; it’s like campaign now!

Greatest Protests

Instead of asking for higher wages, more vacation time and retroactive whatnots, we should demand more important things on picket lines:

“Abolish sleep!”
Without sleep, we could be more productive, spend more time practising our hobbies, going to the gym, watching movie and sipping cocktails on the beach!

“Less gravity!”
With reduced gravity, we could walk much further, jump higher, carry more bags, use less fuel on our planes and rockets…

“Slow down the earth!”
With the Earth rotating slower, our days would be longer, thus allowing us to do more things in a day! We should also demand for a slower rotation around the Sun to make the years longer.

Digital to Physical

Our lives are spent in 2 different worlds: the physical and the digital world. There are already many ways to merge the 2 worlds, but a few very important ones are missing:

  • Transfer digital money from online games into our real bank accounts
  • Change our body with Photoshop
  • Use different avatars that would change how we look
  • An UNDO button that world in the physical world
  • Cheat codes to bypass traffic, teleport and run faster
  • Have many lives and heal right away by drinking an healing potion
  • Have a 3D printer that can print anything you find on the Internet, including people
  • Pause an event to give us time to think
  • Copy and paste actions in the real worlds
  • Write scripts to perform real life redundant and mundane tasks, such as getting the garbage out every Thursday at 7am
  • Get coins by kicking garbage cans and jumping on roofs

Coming next fall to Food TV

Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:

Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

5 Fun Games for Kids

  1. Play “Punch Buggy” in the parking lot of the Volkswagen factory.
  2. Play Hide & Seek in New York’s sewer system.
  3. Sort a colony of fire ants by size.
  4. Count the grains of sand on a beach.
  5. Copy the phonebook, in crayons.

Which is worst?

I ask you to think hard about those questions. Which one is worse and why?
Taking your steak rare in a restaurant.
OR
Taking a bite out of a cow that just died in the field.

Killing someone yourself.
OR
Allowing people to invade a country and kill families.

Believing that gnomes listen to your thoughts and have the power to help your life.
OR
Believing that angels listen to your thoughts and have the power to help your life.

Not giving money to help starving people in Africa because you think money will not get there
OR
Not giving money to the homeless guy down the street because you think he’ll drink it anyway

Believing that when you die, you’ll go to on a cloud to see your loved ones for eternity (which is the description given in movies and painting).
OR
Believing that when you die, you’ll go in a giant cube with streets paved in gold, guarded by giant creatures full of eyes, for eternity (which is the version of heaven actually described in the Bible).

Weather Reports from our Solar System

From Mercury: “Today, arrrgghh it burnnnnnnns! Back to you Ken!”

From the dark side of the moon: “Today, and for the rest of the year, dark, cold and dry. Again”

From Jupiter: “Today, cloudy and poisonous with winds up to 600km/h. Stay indoors if you don’t have to go out.”

From Saturn: “Conditions on the Rings today: icy with clear visibility. Great for skating!”

From Pluto: Today… who cares. No one watches my weather report anyway…

Thanks to my daughter for that great idea!

Things you don’t want to hear from your commanding officer in a war.

  1. Backups will soon arrive… as long as the injured blind pigeon delivers our help message.
  2. Don’t worry about being out of ammo. You all know wrestling, right?
  3. Hi all! I’m Jeff and I’ll be your masseur / commanding officer. Who’s first for an oil body rub?
  4. OMG! You’ll look fabulous in those uber cool sparkly one piece!
  5. For your protection, you’ll all wear glow-in-the-dark suits.
  6. I know every troops that went there died a painful death, but this time it might be different!
  7. The force is very strong in our enemy. Let’s all pull our our plastic light saber!
  8. Our clothes are all wet. Quick, everyone naked!
  9. Lets poison their wells, dismember their corpses and tear the rest apart with our teeth, arrrggghhh!
  10. Believe in Xenu and you’ll live!

The relevance of tools in a Christian world

Jesus tells: “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” without terms, conditions or any limitations” (Matthew 21:21-22). Since Jesus is God, we can safely assume it is the Truth.

Why would Christians need:

  • cars, trains or planes? (they can ask to be teleported)
  • hospital, pills, casts, doctors or health insurance? (they can ask to be healed)
  • plastic surgery? (they ask ask to have any appearance they like)
  • money? (can can just ask form something and it will appear)
  • bridges? (they can ask to levitate)
  • weapons? (they can ask for their enemies to be destroyed by their god, like in the Old testament)
  • dating services, bars or other place to meet a mate? (they can ask for the perfect mate right away)
  • stoves, fridges or restaurants? (they can ask for the food and it will appear in front of them)
  • cooling or heating systems? (they can ask God to change the climate for them)
  • any science at all? (they can ask God to tell them directly how it works)

Quiet satisfaction

Quiet satisfaction is about things you don’t brag about; about achievements you will not get a trophy or a promotion for.

Quiet satisfaction is the long term feeling of having reached what you set up to do in your life, even without having a fixed and detailed plan.

Quiet satisfaction is having no regrets about the choices you’ve made or how things turned out.

Quiet satisfaction is the the warmth you have when you know you’re better now than you were before.

Quiet satisfaction is to know that you did your best and mostly did good to people around you.

Quiet satisfaction is the feeling that people around you a little better because they know you.

Quiet satisfaction is permanent, non fluctuating and is what we call happiness.

Intricacies of the Intercessory Prayer, part 2

Since most Christians must be praying for general health, wealth and happiness of themselves and the world around them, we have to find out why it doesn’t work as planned. Since it is Jesus himself that is said to have uttered the words “ask and you shall receive” without specifying conditions, there must be something wrong with the way people are praying.

  1. Is there a time lag between a particular request and the divine answer or action? 20,000 years is nothing for an all powerful deity, but not so useful for us mere humans.
  2. What is the equation defining the power of multiple prayers aimed at the same target?
  3. Is a prayer stronger if all prayees are in the same room holding hands? If so, what is the ratio of diminishing rate per kilometer if the prayees are apart?
  4. Is a group of people is set to pray for the same thing, but some of them are praying for different things, do the effect of the group diminished or cancel itself?
  5. Are there thing you can pray for that cost more prayers, like you can pray once to get a deadline extension on a report but 20 times to cure someone from leprosy?
  6. What is the result correlation between a prayee that really really mean it, to someone who sort of means it, to someone else who doesn’t really mean it at all?
  7. What happens when 2 people pray for opposite things, like going on a trip and staying home?
  8. Is there a flash of light or a sound when 2 prayers cancel each other?
  9. Are the exact tone, number of syllables used, color of clothes wore during the prayer and background noise matter?
  10. Is you pray out loud for something, but think about something different, which one of those 2 request will be granted?
  11. Do you get better at praying if you pray often? If so, does a beginner prayee have any chance at all to see his or her wish granted?
  12. Is there a maximum number of whishes per person? If so, does the scale of the wish affect the maximum number of prayers allowed in a lifetime?
  13. Is there a way to check our prayer status, with exact numbers for pending, delayed, rejected and fulfilled prayers?
  14. Are there adverse effects when you pray in a clumsy, non-specific way (like being changed into a fish when you ask for a drink)? Is it like a legal contract, where the exact language really matters or the other party can take advantage of you?
  15. Is there a limit to what wishes can be granted? Can you get something that is physically or logically impossible? What about getting something that will alter the space-time continuum or fold space into a swan?

Intricacies of the Intercessory Prayer

Since most Christians must be praying for general health, wealth and happiness of themselves and the world around them, we have to find out why it doesn’t work as planned. Since it is Jesus himself that is said to have uttered the words “ask and you shall receive” without specifying conditions, there must be something wrong with the way people are praying.

  1. Is there a time lag between a particular request and the divine answer or action? 20,000 years is nothing for an all powerful deity, but not so useful for us mere humans.
  2. What is the equation defining the power of multiple prayers aimed at the same target?
  3. Is a prayer stronger if all prayees are in the same room holding hands? If so, what is the ratio of diminishing rate per kilometer if the prayees are apart?
  4. Is a group of people is set to pray for the same thing, but some of them are praying for different things, do the effect of the group diminished or cancel itself?
  5. Are there thing you can pray for that cost more prayers, like you can pray once to get a deadline extension on a report but 20 times to cure someone from leprosy?
  6. What is the result correlation between a prayee that really really mean it, to someone who sort of means it, to someone else who doesn’t really mean it at all?
  7. What happens when 2 people pray for opposite things, like going on a trip and staying home?
  8. Is there a flash of light or a sound when 2 prayers cancel each other?
  9. Are the exact tone, number of syllables used, color of clothes wore during the prayer and background noise matter?
  10. Is you pray out loud for something, but think about something different, which one of those 2 request will be granted?
  11. Do you get better at praying if you pray often? If so, does a beginner prayee have any chance at all to see his or her wish granted?
  12. Is there a maximum number of whishes per person? If so, does the scale of the wish affect the maximum number of prayers allowed in a lifetime?
  13. Is there a way to check our prayer status, with exact numbers for pending, delayed, rejected and fulfilled prayers?
  14. Are there adverse effects when you pray in a clumsy, non-specific way (like being changed into a fish when you ask for a drink)? Is it like a legal contract, where the exact language really matters or the other party can take advantage of you?
  15. Is there a limit to what wishes can be granted? Can you get something that is physically or logically impossible? What about getting something that will alter the space-time continuum or fold space into a swan?

The Magical Night of Christmas

A noise woke me up in the middle of the Christmas night.

I went downstairs very quietly, grabbing my baseball bat on the way. What I saw left me puzzled and shocked as I peeked through the doorway.

An out of shape bearded old man in a dirty and torn red suit was looking through my wallet. The TV was smashed, most of my DVDs were missing and there was a repugnant odor of vomit and cheap beer emanating from my once pristine living room.

The most disturbing aspect of that sad scene was probably the dried blood stains on his urine-soaked pants. Just before running out of the house, my eyes stopped on the dark curved shape just above his belt — Santa was armed.

You’re such an angel!

What image comes to mind when you think of an angel? You probably think of a benevolent winged pure being that is there to help people.

Unfortunately, this is not how the Bible describes them.

Angels are supernatural mercenaries with swords that kill humans.

According to the Bible itself:

Description

  • There are at least 100 million angels
  • Angels don’t seem to have wings, only Cherubim do (they can carry people on their backs while flying)
  • They have feet
  • They have arms and can pull people
  • They can carry a staff in their hands
  • They can speak in a way humans understand, both in frequencies, volume and language
  • They eat food
  • They can be handsome
  • They can shout for joy
  • They can play the trumpet
  • They can create hail and fire mixed with blood
  • They carry a sword and use it to kill people
  • They can carry a sharp sickle (curved blade with a handle)
  • They can roll back stones
  • They sometimes appear as flames
  • They can call people from Heaven
  • They can measure walls
  • They sometimes speak to people in dreams
  • They can sit down under a tree
  • They can appear to people, being previously invisible
  • They have a relatively pleasing appearance, enough for a group of men to want to have sex with them

Roles

  • They are sometimes messengers
  • They are used as guards
  • They can lead armies
  • They can destroy cities, such as Jerusalem and Gomorra, as well as countries
  • They can kill people (185,000 in one night)
  • They can make dead bodies disappear
  • They can walk and guide people
  • They can attend people
  • They, along with Jesus, ignore certain things only God knows
  • They can make people blind
  • They can take sins away
  • They will come and separate the wicked from the righteous
  • They can neither marry nor be given in marriage
  • 12 legions of them can be called by Jesus
  • They have the power to increase the descendants of humans (make them fertile if they are not, or more fertile if they are)
  • They can displace entire populations
  • They know Satan and can travel with him
  • They can curse people
  • They can hold back the four winds of the earth to prevent any wind from blowing on the land or on the sea or on any tree

Next time think twice before you tell your kids he or she is being such an angel.

How good is your memory?

Would you be able to repeat to me, word for word, a conversation you had yesterday?

What about a conversation you had 4 months ago?

Now, what about one you had 35 years ago?

I don’t mean for you to give me a summary of it of the some of the topics discussed — I mean every single words spoken during that conversation, in the right order, without forgetting a single one.

When you think the Bible is 100% correct, you have to believe that a conversation that happened anywhere from 35 to 70 years ago was recalled word for word and noted in what became the gospels. The earliest gospel (Mark) was written from 35 to 40 years after the latest events it relates, while the last gospel written )John was written a full 65 to 70 years after the events.

Do you think it’s plausible?

Pitfalls to avoid when becoming a Psychopathic Killer

  1. Eat before stalking your victims. A grumbly stomach can really mess up an good ambush.
  2. Watch what you eat before hiding in a house. Burping or farting when you hide behind the curtains do not project a serious image or conceal your location very well.
  3. Wear non-squeaky shoes. Even if you wear a creepy mask, people will not take you seriously if you squeak.
  4. Brush up on your self-defense skills. You career is not starting well if you get your ass kicked by a 13 year old girl on your first day.
  5. Go to the toilet before starting a killing spree. Being stuck in the bathroom for 25 minutes really breaks the mood.
  6. Get a GPS. Getting lost before even getting to your killing destination will not impress your killer pals.
  7. Make sure you drive something fear-inspiring, not a Smart Car or a minivan.
  8. Buy quality killing instruments. Nothing says amateur like a giant butcher knife that breaks as you wield it in the air.
  9. Think about what you’ll need before leaving the house. Bring gas for the chainsaw, extra rope, and clean underwear in case you have an accident.
  10. Watch for marbles on the floor, iron dangling from the ceiling, buckets of tar and kids who look like Macaulay Culkin.
  11. If you have a funny voice, don’t talk. Just growl or squeal. An awkward voice can make your victim burst into laughter — not good for the ego on your first day.
  12. Research your victims. You don’t want to barge in the house of a 7-time boxing champion, a Navy SEAL or another psychopathic killer.
  13. Dress for the occasion: overalls and a creepy masks is fine; wearing only a thong, a bow tie and a top hat is not fine.
  14. No running with scissors. You could hurt yourself.
  15. Resist the temptation to tidy up a messy house before starting killing.
  16. Stretch before chasing someone with your heavy axe.
  17. You can bring creepy music to set the tone of the massacre. To be taken seriously, avoid music from the TV show “Benny Hill” or anything with a banjo.
  18. Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. Bring pens if you’d like them to fill out a survey on your performance.
  19. Don’t be nervous. They are as much afraid of you as you are afraid of them.
  20. Be polite and courteous. Nobody likes a killer with poor manners.
  21. Most of all: be creative — have fun with it.

GPS Rejected Personnas

The Mumbler
You just can’t understand a word of what it says. “Turn right on 5th Avenue” sounds more like “tumveon fifvenu”.

The Distracted
Sometimes tell you to turn as you’re in the middle of the intersection or be unresponsive a 3 to 5 minutes; lost in its thoughts.

The Passive Aggressive
Might give you wrong directions or conveniently forget to tell you to turn if you don’t follow its direction. Can hold a grudge for weeks.

The Vulgar Uncle
You can’t use your GPS if the kids are in the car unless you download the Censor 2.0 module. Even then, all you hear is “beeeep turn left on that beeeep street, son of a beeeep!”

The Segway Narrator
Over explain so much you will miss most turns. “In 0.2 kilometer, turn…” “Did you know the etymology if the word kilometer is from ancient Greek and is composed of khilioi meaning “thousand” and of metron meaning “measure” and that…”

The Volume Defier
Sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts like a madman.

The Dirty Pervert
Makes anything sound dirty with suggestive emphasis on some sounds or words. Perfect for frat boys or very lonely women. “Make a nice and tight left turn. Oh yeah, real tight.”

America’s Worst Cook – Extreme Edition

In this new TV cooking competition, amateurs contestants use unfamiliar and foreign ingredients to create magnificently awful dishes.
Points are awarded on the effect their food have on the judges.

Projectile Vomiting…….1 point
Nose Bleed………………….2 points
Color Change……………..3 points
Instant Epilepsy………….4 points
Temporary paralysis…..5 points

The blindfolded judges are not allowed to know the ingredients or to smell the dishes before tasting them.

The winner gets 1 year supply of squid suction cups, sheep stomachs and pig snouts. Yum!

America’s Worst Cook – Extreme Edition

In this new TV cooking competition, amateurs contestants use unfamiliar and foreign ingredients to create magnificently awful dishes.
Points are awarded on the effect their food have on the judges.

Projectile Vomiting…….1 point
Nose Bleed………………….2 points
Color Change……………..3 points
Instant Epilepsy………….4 points
Temporary paralysis…..5 points

The blindfolded judges are not allowed to know the ingredients or to smell the dishes before tasting them.

The winner gets 1 year supply of squid suction cups, sheep stomachs and pig snouts. Yum!

What to do if you step into a horror movie?

  1. Be sure to have a keyless remote for your car. As the killer chases you in a parking lot, you won’t loose precious seconds fumbling to get your key in the door. You can unlock the door as you run, then go safely in your car.
  2. Never hide under the bed, in a closet or in the attic. The killers might have seen the movies too.
  3. Do NOT drop the knife after stabbing the killer. Stab him about 50 times, tie up his limbs to really heavy objects, then cast his head in concrete. He will not get up to chase you again.
  4. You hear a noise and notice if’s just a cat. Do a powerful back kick at groin level. The killer is always behind you.
  5. When you have a really slow walking immortal killer chasing you, DO NOT try outrun him. Instead, steal a bike, take the bus, then plane, something. Just get out really far — to a different continent if possible.
  6. Bring a water gun full of vinegar. If you see a painting with a real hole that is a peephole for the maniac, give him a few squirts right in the eye…
  7. When you are chased by a knife swinging manic, think Home Alone… Grease and marbles are your friends.
  8. Try to figure out if you’re the hero or just an extra… Your fate depends on it.
  9. Carry a laser pointer with you. Immortal killers are not too bright and they can be easily distracted by that %$/%*@ red spot.
  10. If you go in a dark room and a creepy music starts, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY!

Dirty Books?

The Brown Side of the Moon
Geology of the Lunar Deposits

Towering Erections
Modern Architecture in Dubai

Milk Jugs Galore
2011 Annual Report of the Dairy Industry

Tight Male-Male Connections
Manual of Electrical Connectors

Sliding Easy
History of Industrial Lubricants from 1920 to 1979

I do not believe…

I do not believe in magic, which includes: all religions, all divination techniques (astrology, psychics, tarot cards, palml reading, tea leaves, horoscope, etc), all pseudo-sciences (homeopathy, angel therapy, iridology, relexology, reiki, various types of spirit healing, etc) , all supernatural creatures (angels, demons, ghosts, leprechauns, centaurs, gnomes, Pegasus, etc), and all techniques to use the supernatural (spells, voodoo, possessions, necromancy, magical powers, etc).

What is left is reality.

The 10 Commandments

We all know about the 10 Commandments, but what are their implications? How should they govern our lives?

The 10 Commandments were apparently given to Moses by God directly on stone tablets (again, since Moses broke the first set out of anger). Do we still have that ONLY document written directly by the creator of the universe? No. You would think that such document would be guarded by angels of doom or at least by a magical protection spell. But no — we lost it, or God allowed for it to be lost.

We have to figure out which versions of the 10 Commandments we are taking about as there are 2 lists (Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5) and 3 versions (http://www.positiveatheism.org/crt/whichcom.htm). We also have to realize that there are not 10, but 613 commandments in the Torah (Old Testament for Christians).

If we take the list given in Exodus 20:1-17:
1. “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”
Loophole: It’s the god of the Jewish people. Might not be the god of the rest of humanity.

2. You shall have no other gods before[a] me
Loophole: Except for the other 2 Gods that Christian introduced later (Jesus and the Holy Spirit). That commandment can mean that we can have other gods, but that Yahweh has to be First God. It also means that other gods exist. If it meant to only have Yahweh and that other gods don’t exist, it would have said: “I am the only God that exist”.
3. “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

Meaning: This one is loaded.
God will punish you for not loving him.
He will also punish your kids and your grand-kids and maybe your great-grand-kids (they are not sure where it stops).
God has human feelings that you can hurt
God needs your undivided attention or he fill punish you.
God is jealous. he feels threatened by attention given to some other gods or some other objects.
4. “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.”
Loophole: Does not say what is “fair use”. Does it mean people who say “Oh my god” will go to hell?

5. “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.”
Comment: It does say in the Bible that the punishment for working on the Sabbath is death. Do you really have to kill people who work on the week-end or does the Bible is leaving it up to you?
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
Comment: It does not say HOW to honor our parents. Does it involve respect? Politeness? Animal sacrifices?

6. “You shall not murder.”
Loophole: Looking at the number of people who “support our troops”, this one could means “don’t kill, but it’s ok to encourage others to kill for us.”

7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
8. “You shall not steal.”
Loophole: Is it stealing when you take a picture or shoot a movie? What about scanning a photo or a book? Stealing means to deprive someone of something. When you make a copy of something while leaving the original there, you don’t deprive the person of something. So pirating movies, books, music, software and other digital content wouldn’t fall under that prohibition. The excuse that the law was giving 3000 year before the invention of digital media is not valid, since it,s supposed to have been given by the creator of the universe who can see in he future.

9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”
Loophole: This is against a very specific type of lie, not a prohibition against lies, misdirection, partial truth, propaganda, and other types of misrepresentation.

10. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor”
Consequence: Our economy would collapse. The basis of our economy lies in the fact that we want to acquire things.
Loophole: Taken literally though, this commandment can apply only to what your neighbor has, not what total strangers from other countries have.

How does prayer work?

In Matthew 21:21-22, Jesus tells  “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” without terms, conditions or any limitations”. I assume he was telling the truth, so… let’s pray!

Are all prayers processed simultaneously or are they put into a prayer buffer, ready to be answered on a first pray first served basis?

Does it increase the odds of a positive action if you pray to your own god, as opposed to another god?

Can I see an prayer efficiency chart to see what god, kind of prayer, time of day, location, exact wording and intentions have the most chances of being met with positive results?

Doe sit make a difference if you’re Christian and pray for Jesus, Holy Spirit, of God?

Do you increase the odds if you pray to all 3?

Is there a terms & condition I can see that shapes the modalities of prayers? Can I pray and receive money, health, fame, love, growth in various places, less hair, or world domination?

Does me prayer need to be in accordance with God’s plan for it to work?

Can I have a copy of God’s plan, to make sure I don,t waste my time paying for things I can’t get?

Can you differentiate between random occurrences and occasional positive results due to prayers?

Can you tell if the positive results are form your own prayer or from someone else praying for you?

Do you maximize the prayer power with a group of people all praying for the same thing?

Does it really mess things up when you have a random weird thought slap bang in the middle of a sincere prayer?

10 things to break the mood in bed

  1. Speak like Yoda or Scooby Doo.
  2. “You’re so sexy. You look like your mom!”
  3. Make your grocery list out loud.
  4. “I think I saw a cockroach in the bed!”
  5. During oral sex: “Ever wondered about cannibalism?”
  6. “You’re my number 100 this year! We have to celebrate this!”
  7. “I’m not sure I took my birth control pills. Oh well, you’ll know soon enough.”
  8. Ask him to triple-bag for his protection.
  9. “Don’t worry, I’m sure your parents can hear us.”
  10. “Can you keep your clothes on?”

5 Great battles you never heard of

1612 — China: First and only battle using paper armour. Started great with this lightweight and easy to repair armour. Unfortunately, a heavy rain started…

1727 — West Indies: Battle of the Spanish Armada against the Carib people of West Indies. Went downhill after the cannibal Carib people discovered the Spaniards tasted delicious.

1885 — France: First and only use of sucrose resin as uniforms on the battlefield. The screaming soldiers trying to chase the bees away did not last long in front of the enemy, armed with melted marshmallows.

1923 — Congo: First battle using toddler soldiers. The enemy countered by playing lullabies on loud speakers. The entire regiment went for a nap.

1941 — Russia: The German Naturist Battalion was found frozen to death in Siberia, with frostbites on the 5 extremities.

God spoke to me…

When people say that God spoke to them, or that they were called by God to do something, what do they mean exactly?

  1. How did they know it was God speaking? Did God named himself? Could it be someone or something impersonating God?
  2. Was the person always alone when God spoke to them? If a loud voice came from the ceiling or the sky, surely someone else heard it too. If so, did the other person understand the same message?
  3. If the person was not alone in the room at the time but no one else heard the voice, how can the person be sure it was not a self-created voice inside their head, caused by a mental disorder?
  4. If the voice was not from inside their head, how could they tell it was from God and not from a prankster with a megaphone?
  5. Was the message always in a language the person could understand?
  6. Did they know the meaning of all the words spoken by God?
  7. How was the voice? Was it angry, detached, quiet, out of breath, menacing, or encouraging?
  8. Was the voice speaking with an accent?
  9. Was the voice male, female or something else?
  10. Was it the voice of a baby, a child, an adult, an old person, or something somehow ageless?
  11. Was it whispering, quiet, regular conversation level, loud or screaming?
  12. Was the message an order,  advice, or information?
  13. Did God speak to them more than once? If so, was it the same voice with the same characteristics?

God spoke to me…

When people say that God spoke to them, or that they were called by God to do something, what do they mean exactly?

  1. How did they know it was God speaking? Did God named himself? Could it be someone or something impersonating God?
  2. Was the person always alone when God spoke to them? If a loud voice came from the ceiling or the sky, surely someone else heard it too. If so, did the other person understand the same message?
  3. If the person was not alone in the room at the time but no one else heard the voice, how can the person be sure it was not a self-created voice inside their head, caused by a mental disorder?
  4. If the voice was not from inside their head, how could they tell it was from God and not from a prankster with a megaphone?
  5. Was the message always in a language the person could understand?
  6. Did they know the meaning of all the words spoken by God?
  7. How was the voice? Was it angry, detached, quiet, out of breath, menacing, or encouraging?
  8. Was the voice speaking with an accent?
  9. Was the voice male, female or something else?
  10. Was it the voice of a baby, a child, an adult, an old person, or something somehow ageless?
  11. Was it whispering, quiet, regular conversation level, loud or screaming?
  12. Was the message an order,  advice, or information?
  13. Did God speak to them more than once? If so, was it the same voice with the same characteristics?

The Zen Channel

This new TV channel will be a nice complement to your meditation. Tired of confusing, fast-moving, action-packed shows? Come relax at the Zen Channel. Here are a few of our hit shows:

Snail Races: Enjoy the Snail Marathon in HD — a 200 foot race that our peaceful competitors will finish in under 4 days! You’ll enjoy the extra slow-motion recaps.

Drying Paint: Watch our 4 hour episodes on paint drying on a variety of surfaces. Sometimes you can see drips slowly moving down!

Sleep Hard: Watch a variety of heavy sleepers thought their uneventful night

Gentle Nature: 4 hours of uninterrupted cameras fixed on a empty field, a rock, or the sky as the clouds are slowly passing by. A must for those who seek inner peace.

3 Great Poor Man’s Pools

The Nascar Pond

  • Get a truckload of used tires from the dump.
  • Get a few used tarps. Use duck take to stitch them together.
  • Pile up the tires 4 feet tall and 3 rows deep to create the walls of the pool.
  • Lay the tarps inside the wall and on the ground of the pool.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy!

Interior Pool

  • Get everything out of your basement.
  • Cover the walls and floor with taped garbage bags.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy your new indoor pool!

The 6-Pack of Fun

  • Get 6 plastic kiddie pools from the dump.
  • Tape them together.
  • Fill them with water.
  • You can invite 7 friends to relax in your warm pools, providing they bring food and drinks.

3 Great Poor Man’s Pools

The Nascar Pond

  • Get a truckload of used tires from the dump.
  • Get a few used tarps. Use duck take to stitch them together.
  • Pile up the tires 4 feet tall and 3 rows deep to create the walls of the pool.
  • Lay the tarps inside the wall and on the ground of the pool.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy!

Interior Pool

  • Get everything out of your basement.
  • Cover the walls and floor with taped garbage bags.
  • Fill with water.
  • Enjoy your new indoor pool!

The 6-Pack of Fun

  • Get 6 plastic kiddie pools from the dump.
  • Tape them together.
  • Fill them with water.
  • You can invite 7 friends to relax in your warm pools, providing they bring food and drinks.

What I’ve learn so far about religions

  • People have a need for the extraordinary (which includes magic and the supernatural).
  • People have a need for explanations (no matter how far fetched or unproven), of making sense of reality, for order.
  • People have a need for justice (no matter if it requires magic).
  • People have a need for simplicity (the simplest explanation is often good enough, even if self-contradictory and unproven/unprovable).
  • People have a need for being comforted (even if what is supposed to be comforting is illogical, incoherent and improbable).
  • People have a need to believe in an afterlife (even if it happens “at the end of times”).

10 ways to have fun at meetings — Part 2

  1. Wear special pants with a vinyl liner full of Jell-O. Look at your colleagues faces when you move.
  2. Practice Tourette ventriloquism when a colleague is speaking.
  3. Insert a barely noticeable, very faded erotic background on some of the Powerpoint slides of the presenter.
  4. Use a realistic gel soft hand instead of your real hand (hidden in your long coat sleeve) when shaking hand before the meeting.
  5. Quote unknown German philosophers on completely non-related topics.
  6. Wear ridiculously tight dress pants and stuff the front of your underwear with a 3 pairs of socks. Watch if more guys than girls look at your crotch.
  7. Chant your comments and suggestions accompanied by a tambourine.
  8. Bring 8 starving homeless guys wearing a tie on top of their regular clothes, and watch the reaction of the business people as your guests dive for the free snacks.
  9. Absentmindedly flash a picture of your boss’ wife in your wallet as you reach for something else. Make sure 1 or 2 people see it. See how long until the info reaches your boss.
  10. Speak only in fake acronyms. Smile at people in a condescending way if they ask you questions about those acronyms.

7 things you don’t want to hear from your doctor

  1. Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.
  2. It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?
  3. The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.
  4. Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.
  5. Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.
  6. Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.
  7. Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.

7 things you don’t want to hear from your doctor

  1. Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.
  2. It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?
  3. The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.
  4. Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.
  5. Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.
  6. Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.
  7. Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.

What would it take?

If you believe in God, what would it take for you stop believing?
What would you need to learn or to see to make you realize there is no god, or at least, that the Christian, Jewish or Muslim god doesn’t exist?
Would you be able to justify unanswered prayers for your whole life? Would discovering that the Bible contain forged documents, altered texts, claim with no evidence and stories based on earlier texts outside your religion affect your faith at all?

If you don’t believe in God or at least in a personal god, what would it take for you to believe?
What would you need to learn or to see to be convinced that the God of the Bible is real?
Would you have to witness a miracle? Would you have to witness the positive results of a prayer for something specific and highly improbable that can’t be the result of luck or any other cause?

What if you discover evidence that God is real, but not beneficial or even evil? Would you still believe and worship that god?

What’s your legacy?

What kind of impact will your existence have on the history of mankind?

Will you bring anything new or better to this planet in your lifetime?

Will you make a difference in your own community? If so, what kind of difference?

Are you in peace with an existence that will only be remembered by the people you know?

If you do want to leave your mark, what will you do? Will you write a book that will influence millions of people? Will you invent something that will benefit improve the lives of many? Will you raise your children to be kind, decent people, so they in turn can create more decency?

What’s your legacy?

What kind of impact will your existence have on the history of mankind?

Will you bring anything new or better to this planet in your lifetime?

Will you make a difference in your own community? If so, what kind of difference?

Are you in peace with an existence that will only be remembered by the people you know?

If you do want to leave your mark, what will you do? Will you write a book that will influence millions of people? Will you invent something that will benefit improve the lives of many? Will you raise your children to be kind, decent people, so they in turn can create more decency?

How to conquer the world in 6 easy steps

This is my 200th post since I started this blog, about 4 years ago! Yeah!

As you can imagine, there are several ways to conquer the world.

Step 1: Define.

Define what is conquering the world means.. Does it mean militarily, religiously, artistically, ideologically, technologically, financially, or even with popularity as the most recognizable face or name.

Step 2: Plan.

Although going bezerk with a pellet gun has its appeal, you will unfortunately have to plan a lot to become master of the world.

In most cases, you will need to setup an army. This requires a lot of money, unless you can control your minions with fear (as a religious figure), brain-wave manipulation (as a technological evil genius), extremely compelling idea (potent ideology) or adoration (as an extremely popular model, writer, musician or actor). If you want to use ways other that truckload of money to control people, make sure your ideology or influence is compatible with world domination. If you sing about love and compassion, you won’t be able to ask your followers to invade a country, no matter how popular you are.

You will need to establish what kind of minions you want, promote your need for employment, stage auditions, and look at resumes. You might need help at that stage, as going through 20 millions resume might take the best part of your life.

You will need to generate enough money to buy equipment, weapons, lodging, food, bribes and staff salary. You will also need a way to transport your troops to the places you want to conquer. Unfortunately, you can’t conquer a country by e-mail, unless you’re a cyber-tyrant. Transport can be pretty expensive, mostly if you have over 500,000 troops. Think about gas, repairs and insurance. You also shouldn’t buy Smart Cars or Ford Focus, as they really don’t look serious on a battlefield — and they don’t come in an armored version.

There are several ways to generate money but most are slow or uncertain. You can invest in high-risk ventures, marry someone very rich that is either very sick or very old. You can also invent something that will generate billions of dollars quickly, like a alternative to fossil fuel or a powerful aphrodisiac. Another way to get rich quick is through illegal channels, such as e-mail scams or hacking, but you might get caught real quick and lose your dreams of using humanity as your personal slaves.

You might want to join a public speaking class if you want to give enflamed speeches to glassy-eyed pre-minions that will transform you from a mild-mannered suburban person to an evil tyrant or galactic benefactor.

Step 3: Implement.

This is where the hard work and sweat comes in. You might need to quit school or your day job, as becoming the master of the world is a full time gig. You will need a very tight grip on all your minions — you don’t want to have your Eastern Europe World Domination Campaign cancelled because they have soccer practice, there is something good on TV or because it’s raining, right?

You will have to seize control of the major Earth’s decisional points, such as the government of  the richest / largest countries, the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Moss ad and the U.N. This might take some time and some hefty bribes. You will also have to gain control of all Earth major cities, which might be harder that it sounds. You will have to physically go to all those places, remove the local army / guerillas / rebel forces / police groups and install your own armies. Bring an atlas and a GPS. Getting lost in the Amazonian forest or the Siberian can sure mess up your plans. Also, pack a jacket and warm socks — staying home because it’s too cold is not an option when you want to control a whole planet.

Step 4: Reinvent Yourself.

Once you gain control of Earth, you will need a title. Try to avoid anything common, like President, Prime-minister or Boss. Adding Supreme, Galactic or “of the Universe” to your title can really make you look cool.

You will also need to invest a new persona. Don’t stay plumber Mike from New Jersey or hairdresser Susan from Paris — go wild! There is no limits to what people will believe if the propaganda is good. Invent a divine origin (like the Dear Leader of North Korea did), create a myth based on your imaginary feats and give yourself superpowers.

Step 5: Promote.

Keep promoting yourself! This step also cost a lot of money, which will not be a problem once you seize 75% of all income on Earth. While T-Shirts and posters are vaguely ok, think more along the lines of mandatory full-back tattoos with your face and tagline, rice fields images of you that are visible from space and cloud-shaping. This will keep you top-of-mind for your loyal subjects.

Step 6: Remain in power

This is a tough one. You have to block other people’s attempts at rebellion at all time. You might want to avoid publishing a book explaining in details how you conquered the world. Unless you are using a powerful brain-washing laser on everybody, someone might want to emulate your success.

Oh and most of all, have fun!

Does it bother you?

If you’re Christian, does it bother you that according to the actual word of God:

  • You must stone your kids if they don’t listen to you (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)?
  • You must stone all Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and everybody who doesn’t worship the same god as you — including babies ((Deuteronomy 17:2-5))?
  • You must stone everybody that is blaspheming — that surely includes most interjections and swear words we commonly use (Leviticus 24:16)?
  • You must stone everybody on Saturday — including all Wal-Mart employees (Numbers 15:32-56)

Does it bother you that the Bible is so unclear and contradictory as to needs so much justification, interpretation, and extrapolation — yet it’s supposed to have been written or at least inspired by the actual creator of the whole universe?

Does it bother you that the Bible describes things and a world like nothing nobody you know have ever experienced and totally different and contrary to what we can observe and measure?

  • The Bible presents a cosmological view that is totally at odd with what we can observe with our telescope — starts that can point to a single house, sun that can fall, metal firmament resting on pillars, water that falls trough windows in the sky, flat earth, an Earth that is only about 6000 years old, etc?
  • The Bible is full of magic, exorcisms, zombies, talking animals and people who live more than 900 years long?
  • The Bible present global events, such as a worldwide flood, where no trace can be found.
  • The Bible presents a chronology totally different from what we can observe with radiometric dating and geological processes.

Does it bother you that the Bible is full of recorded dialogues that was impossible to record, such as what Adam said to Eve, what was said after a character dies, what Balaam’s donkey said or what the Devil said to God when betting on Job?

Does it bother you that Paul, who wrote half of the New Testament, said immensely important things (stop observing God’s law) in direct contradiction with Jesus (who is supposed to actually be part of God himself). Yet you believe and follow Paul!

 If all none of those things bother you, then why not?

Mixed messages

God is energy
God is love
God is everywhere
God is invisible
God has unlimited superpowers
God is 3 people in 1, including a father & son duo, plus another immaterial spirit
BUT God created people in his own image

Which people?

The ones with different skin colour or gender?
The ones who are deformed or handicapped?
The ones who are sick?
The ones who lost limbs and can’t grow them back?
The ones with a skeleton, internal organs and visible skin?
The ones who need to eat and drink to stay alive?
The ones who need to reproduce the old-fashion way?
The ones who are not invisible?
The ones who are not everywhere at once?
The ones who don’t know everything about the past, present and future?
The ones without unlimited superpowers?

He create THOSE people in his image?

Lesser-know medical conditions

Triviality Exhibitionism
Condition in which  person has a urgent need to share every mundane detail of his or her life with the entire world via Facebook or Twitter, such as their exact time of arrival to their house, the content of their breakfast or details of the phone conversations. Victims of this conditions frequently suffer from Chain-Letter Syndrome and Semi-humorous Email LOL Reposting.

SMBC (Slow morning brain condition)
Affliction characterized by a brain that is exceedingly slow to start in the morning. Possible cure: headphones with nighttime stimulus such as quantic mechanic lectures, advance thermodynamic calculus or differential equations applied to gardening.

SAC (Self-awareness Challenged)
Disability resulting in the lack of self-awareness expressed in poor clothing choices, audible flatulence, below average personal hygiene, and less than intelligent remarks.

How to throw a great pillow fight

Here are a few pointers to maximize your pillow fight experience:

Filling
First off, let’s be clear: no bricks, stones or broken glass in the pillow cases. Liquids are also frowned upon in the competitive pillow fight circles. Feathers or soft foam is preferable, but memory foam might be too hard for a fun and jovial session.

Size
Use regular size pillows, not the oversized novelty giant pillow that can fit a pick-up truck.

Swinging Speed
Pillow swinging should be done by hands. Using a catapult or a high-speed cannon to throw the pillows is both unethical and potentially dangerous. It’s also quite unorthodox to hire members or the Olympic Hammer Throw.

Targets
You should not target nose, glasses or groin on purpose, except when wearing an inflatable sumo suit and a football helmet.

Coatings
Coating your feather-filled pillow with concrete will NOT help you make friends. They will definitively not invite you for their next pillow fight.

Demeanor
Participant should smile, laugh and try to have a good time. Do not invite your mortal enemies or members of the Violent Psychopaths League.

Rejected CareBears Competition

SweatyBear
Squeeze him and see the rancid sweat coming out of him! Your kids will love him!

SmellyBear
This one-of-a kind night cuddler alternates between smells of garbage juice, fresh skunk and rotten eggs.

PhlegmyBear
Complete with throat noises and broccoli-flavored dejection!

BoilyBear
Hours of pleasure popping this cuddly bear’s humorous non-toxic strawberry-flavored zits!

BelchyBear
Fill this adorable bear with the included kid-friendly beer and hear (and smell) him belch like a pro!

Top 10 signs you shouldn’t be dating that person

  1. She’s physically abused by her imaginary friends.
  2. Both her parents are mentally-unstable proctologists.
  3. He’s a cult leader and lives in a armed desert compound.
  4. His family members have more guns than teeth.
  5. You see most of her family on the FBI Terror Watch.
  6. He arranged your first date in a slaughterhouse — and he doesn’t work there.
  7. You saw fingernails marks on his door and blood splatter on his curtains.
  8. She constantly yelling and barking at people you can’t see.
  9. He think he’s a vampire that sparkles in the sunlight.
  10. You met her online in a violent psychopath forum.

Top 10 signs you shouldn’t be dating that person

  1. She’s physically abused by her imaginary friends.
  2. Both her parents are mentally-unstable proctologists.
  3. He’s a cult leader and lives in a armed desert compound.
  4. His family members have more guns than teeth.
  5. You see most of her family on the FBI Terror Watch.
  6. He arranged your first date in a slaughterhouse — and he doesn’t work there.
  7. You saw fingernails marks on his door and blood splatter on his curtains.
  8. She constantly yelling and barking at people you can’t see.
  9. He think he’s a vampire that sparkles in the sunlight.
  10. You met her online in a violent psychopath forum.

New Exciting Restaurants!

Nuts & Bolts
As the names suggests, the menu consist entirely of an assortment of nuts and bolts. Customers can choose between the finest cashews, hazelnuts, almonds and pecans, as well as carriage, stove, lag and hanger bolts. As we all know, nuts are a great source of protein while bolts are a top-notch source of iron. You can top it off with a selection of fine sauces if you find the bolts too dry.

The DYOF (Do Your Own Food)
In this trendy concept-restaurant, you grow your own food (plant, harvest, prepare, cook and serve), prepare your own meat from scratch (raise your own cattle, slaughter it, prepare it, then cook it). The restaurant provides the power tools and napkins.

Cousteau’s Delight
At this new and exciting restaurant, you eat in a large fish tank. The salt water tends to change the taste of what you eat, which makes for interesting surprises. Although eating and breathing is tricky at first, you’ll find the near-drowning sensation very invigorating. Avoid ordering crackers.

Am I spiritual?

I don’t believe in the supernatural.
I don’t believe in any gods or any other magical creatures.
I don’t believe in aura, chakras, rebirthing or astral trips.
I don’t believe in astrology, homeopathy or prophecy.

I believe we are all connected though our elements, genetic make up, evolution and our environment, even animals and plants.

I have a deep appreciation for the complexity, symmetries, randomness or the fractal aspect of the natural world.

I admire the immensity of knowledge I don’t yet possess.

I am aware of my place in the natural world, as part of an animal kingdom and that I share a common ancestor with monkeys.

I contemplate my physical limitations and know there is much I cannot perceive directly, such as all of the electromagnetic spectrum outside visible light.

I can feel being on top of a small ball in space when I look at a clear summer starry night sky.

Am I spiritual?

The perfect Food fight

Here are a few pointers to maximize your food fight experience:

State
Avoid frozen items: a frozen turkey will hurt, but even frozen beef patties are bound to do some damage.

Weight
Use light projectile preferably. A good size apple can hurt, but less than a large watermelon or a pumpkin.

Colors
Avoid white or beige food, unless the participants are all wearing colorful clothes. Beets, tomatoes and pea soup are great for color.

Texture
Flour and honey should be used as a coating and sticking agents.

Freshness
Avoid moldy or rancid elements. No one wants to be sick while their face is covered in honey, unless that is the theme of the evening of course.

Viscosity /  Dryness
Prefer anything sticky (humus, tahini) rather than dry (like raisins or almonds).

Targets
Avoid the nostrils, ears or eyes. If naked, avoid the tender areas.

Speed
Throw food lightly and playfully. Using a mortar or a catapult could damage other players.

Protective Gears
While naked food fights are fun, safety is important. Always wear goggles and at least a thong.

Temperature
Avoid anything boiling hot, mostly if naked. Freezing cold is not good, but it’s better than boiling hot.

Surroundings
Food fights are best when you don’t have to worry about damaging your $19,000 Persian rug or your $2,500 Armani suit. A large tarp is useful if the food fight is in your living room.

What to Avoid Throwing
Avoid anything venomous (certain snakes, scorpions, electric eels and some jelly fish)

Great Ammo for a Food Fight
Eggs, ketchup, mustard, feathers (not usually food for still great), flour, honey, tomatoes, pea soup, lasagna, fettucini Alfredo, tapioca, humus, oatmeal.

Enjoy!

Things you don’t want to hear

“By the way, you’re adopted. Have a great month at camp sweetie!”

“You didn’t just drink the warm toilet cleaner I put in your coffee mug, did you?”

“The operation went well, except for the folding chair we forgot in your abdomen”

“Hi honey! Sorry to call you while you’re driving on the highway, but I forgot to tell you that the car has no brakes at all”

“The stomach pains you’ve been having are caused by a colony of tapeworms. You have almost no organs left.”

Things you don’t want to hear

“By the way, you’re adopted. Have a great month at camp sweetie!”

“You didn’t just drink the warm toilet cleaner I put in your coffee mug, did you?”

“The operation went well, except for the folding chair we forgot in your abdomen”

“Hi honey! Sorry to call you while you’re driving on the highway, but I forgot to tell you that the car has no brakes at all”

“The stomach pains you’ve been having are caused by a colony of tapeworms. You have almost no organs left.”

Questionable Logic

  1. I am horny, therefore my wife doesn’t have a headache.
  2. I am hungry, therefore there is food in the fridge.
  3. I have a coat, therefore it is cold.
  4. I don’t see trolls, therefore my anti-troll bracelet is working
  5. The more diluted a substance is, the more powerful it is. (actual homeopathy principle)

How to create a new alternative therapy

  1. Pick a vague, unquantifiable state that everybody experiences once in a while, like a lack of energy or a higher level of stress. You can also pick something people strive for, like balance. Make sure the symptoms are subjective to how the person feels that day and their ever changing environment.
  2. Pick a therapy that sounds like it could heal, based on something your potential customers already believe in, like energy, chakras, crystals, angels, detoxification or visualization. You can combine several concepts together. An explanation on the mechanism of the healing technique is never required; you’ll never have to explain how it works.
  3. Never discuss active ingredients as the therapies can work in mysterious ways. If your products uses extremely high dissolution, modern electronic instruments might be too blunt to measure traces of it. Don’t worry about proving how it work; just says it does because people tell you it does.
  4. Never give a specific timeframe for the therapy to  work. Remember, a good placebo treatment can take time to show some effect.
  5. Never quantify the benefits with testable claims, like “it will enable you to run 3.5 times faster”, “work 36 hours straight without fatigue” or “will remove 75% of pre-cancerous cells”.
  6. List other benefits of the therapy. The longer the list of benefits, the wide the net you cast to catch potential customers.
  7. Use proper vocabulary to convey an impression of knowledge. Use words like holistic, transcending, cleansing or detoxification.
  8. You can mix physical healing techniques with spiritual, animal or even divination techniques, as your clientele will not be suspicious of that reality boundary-crossing.
  9. Start a certification program; it will add credibility to your products or techniques.
  10. Once you have momentum, start a whole school (even if the school in question is in your 2-bedroom apartment) to add even more credibility.
  11. Create week-end retreats. This will generate important volume of cash-flow for your business. It will also provide customers for any of your other products or techniques.
  12. Collects testimonials. Those are crucial and will serve as results, as no double-blind studies will be made on “Angel Crystal Past-Life Regression Therapy”. Ever. Don’t worry, testimonials can have fake names, edited content, inflated results as no one ever check on them. You can make up your own as everybody does. Don’t worry if most people don’t experience any positive or negative effects. Base your repeat business on people who happened to feel better in the same timeframe as when they were following your therapy. Those will count as positives for you.

Not a good sign

  1. Your date finds your intestinal parasite much more charming than you.
  2. Your parents like your imaginary friend better than they like you.
  3. Your boss has a better relationship with outsourced tech support person #1232 from Bombay than with you.
  4. You apply for a modeling job and they hire you as the before shot.
  5. You drop your son at the daycare and the other kids run and scream when they see you.
  6. Your cat cuddles with the scratch post and scratches you.
  7. Your Parkinson is so bad that you appear blurry.
  8. Your Tourette Syndrome is so bad people are surprised when you don’t swear.
  9. Your weight gain is so out of control you have to hurry out of the elevator not to get stuck.
  10. Your body noises are so loud people frequently ask you to speak louder.

Things NOT to think about in sports

Swimming
“I can really drown if I swallow water a couple of times!”

Boxing
“Look at the size of that guy! This is going to hurt so much. Every punch will make me dizzier and closer to crying.”

Figure Skating
“Oh no, here comes the spin again… really should NOT have eaten that large pizza… I’ll make a vomit ring on the ice like last week.”

Running
“I can feel the burger coming up. Every step on that pavement makes it go higher, and higher…”

Ski Jumping
“That’s sooooo high! My knees are going to bust when I land…”

Wrestling
“I’ll those beans and cabbage right before the match. What was I thinking?”

Skeleton
“Oh my god, one bump and I’ll loose my face!”

Pole Vaulting
“Even if I clear the bar, I can really get impaled on that pole”

Car Racing
“This car will my tomb… This car will my tomb…”

Weight Lifting
“Wow, That’s huge! I bet I’ll snap my elbows right off.”

Justified Superstition

Our ancestors were very supersticious. They lived in an age before science, before electricity, and before printed books.

For them:

  • The night was very dark before the invention of electrical lights.
  • Big animals were a real threat before the invention of firearms.
  • Countries were terribly far apart before the invention of cars and trains; populations were more isolated.
  • Natural elements were scary before people understood what they were.
  • Knowledge was mostly passed on orally before the invention of the printed books. Even then, very few people knew how to read.
  • There were long delays between the facts and the report, with distortion due to the oral mode of transmission.
  • There were no photos or videos to document an event.
  • There was little ways to check facts before books and the Internet, as people had to rely on memory.

What they had was stories and their imagination.

Can you blame them for being superstitious to the core?

Now that we have access to:

  • knowledge through books and Internet
  • basic understanding of our physical world
  • critical thinking derived from higher education level
  • remote location with webcams, tv, and fast modes of transportation
  • photos and videos to document events

Now, you would think people would be a lot more sceptic al of magical claims. Still, a large portion of the population think the same way our ancestors did…

Minor Superheroes, Part 3

Porky Pork
Has the power to smell like bacon.

Dr. Metamorpho
Can shrink his head by up to 1%.

Semi-Invisible Man
He is totally invisible, except for his skin and eyeballs…

Ant Master
Has the ability to communicate with senior gay ants.

The Fidgeter
Can fidget fast enough to create a small buzzing sound.

Mr. Anemia (also known as Edward the Biteless)
Has the ability to become paler and very fatigued on command.

The Amazing Caller
Can replicate the call of the slug, the Monarch butterfly and the centipede with an uncanny accuracy.

Bernard — The Human Gazelle
Bernard can run a full 3% faster than the average untrained human being and leap further by an astonishing 7%!

Mme Zelda, The ClairVoyeur
With her magical crystal ball, she can peek into any showers, providing they are empty.

Who I am

I am a carbon-based lifeform living on a small blue planet with a solid surface, orbited by one moon, in a small solar system somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy, far off the center of the universe I am in.

I am a member of the Homo sapiens species in the great ape family, living in a Holocene Epoch of the Quaternary Period amongst a democratic society using tools as much as information.

I am taking part in a emotional/experience-sharing long term commitment with a parental component.

I was involved twice in a natural gene transfer process, resulting in two offspring who are naturally esthetically favored.

I exchange monetary gain against the process of strategically rearranging pixels on a light window that does not lead outside.

The activities that raise the Dopamine level in my brain are:

  1. exchanging acoustic waves with like-minded humanoid lifeforms
  2. transferring graphite particles on a flat sheet of dried wood paste to simulate a rearrange version of reality
  3. capturing light waves bouncing off solid masses for later remembrance
  4. using a manufactured polymer device to experience the low friction coefficient of particulated solid-form water.

Famous Last Words, part 2

  1. What string do I pull to open this parachute?
  2. My friends will think I’m a hero for skateboarding down that roof!
  3. I should’ve known that the bacon suit was a bad idea in the jungle! ahhhh!
  4. Hey buddy, your gang tattoo looks ri-di-cu-lous!
  5. Let’s see what cool superpower I’ll get by jumping into that drum of toxic water!
  6. I’m soooo tired! I’ll just get a nap on the beach before the tide rises…
  7. Don’t worry, I don’t think those are shark fins…
  8. Let me drive your plane! If you can do it, so can I.
  9. … and then you poke the panther like that…
  10. Mr. Cannibal, why are you putting BBQ sauce on me?

Who would you listen to?

I have to create a website for an important client. He gave me lengthy instructions on what he needs the website to do, the target audience, the logo, etc.

Then he left on a long business trip, with no access to phone or e-mail.

While I was starting to work on that project, my neighbor Bob, who never met my client, dropped by and told that my client telepathically gave him a brand new direction on this website.

He instructed me to change so many things about the project that it was now a totally different project. He even told me my client asked to change the name of his company! Bob, while praising my client constantly, kept insisting that the new instructions are the ones I should use. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his instructions contradict my client’s instructions.

Should I listen to my neighbor or to my client?

The answer should be pretty obvious.

In the Bible, Paul The Apostle (also known as Saint Paul or Saul of Tarsus — author of 13 of the 27 books of the New testament) claims to have received instruction form a vision. He never claims to have met the historical Jesus at all. Yet, all Christians listen to Paul’s instructions, which  contradict Jesus’ instructions on all important points. Jesus was supposed to be God, or at least one of the 3 parts of God.

In his letters, Paul tells people NOT to stop obeying the Jewish law (including circumcision, dietary laws, sacrificial laws, etc), while Jesus said to obey every part of it. In the Bible, Jesus was saying to people to be even more Jewish than they were!

Should Christians listen to Jesus or Paul?

The New Christmas Reality

Santa used to be happy, athletic and resourceful.

He is still somewhat magical, but now he is an crippled old man, his back paralyzed with arthritis from climbing in tight chimneys for years. He is partially blind from looking at bright lights for the past century. His Alzheimer makes it very difficult to remember where to deliver the present. 3 years ago, he forgot his list on his way to deliver presents to India and had to go to a local Internet cafe in Bombay to get a copy of his list by fax.

He had to deal with globalization, employee strikes, industrial sabotage, computer hacking, and increased homeland security legislation. He was mislabeled a terrorist by the American government, following his repeated breaking and entering of the Pentagon, the White House and multiple army bases. His lawyers had to enter a secret plea bargain for his release. The breaking point happened when his trade secrets were made public on Wikileaks early last year.

The increased in air traffic made it increasingly difficult for sleigh travelling. Santa had to dodge ballistic missiles several times and went down in flames in 1988 after a reindeer was shot dead over Croatia in mid-flight. The Elf Task Force had a hard time to clean the wreckage and find all the presents — many of them gone after the looting. Christmas had to be delayed 12 hours that year.

Santa’s manufacturing is now outsourced to China. The quality is shoddy; some products are toxic, but this is the price to pay to compete in the global market.

The elves, once powerful and useful, have almost all been layed off. Binge drinking, drug use, gambling and prostitution is now afflicting the elf population of the North Pole. Rival gangs formed to control the market of BlindFun, a powerful hallucinogenic drug made of Egg Nog and windshield washed fluid.

Misses Claus, after being diagnosed with lung cancer due to her chain smoking, left Santa after she caught him cheating with a male elf. Santa’s lewd behavior has been going on for years, but in the past few years, it has been out-of-control. She had enough.

Santa drinks himself to sleep every night, reminiscing about his past glory. There used to be magic.

Cannibal Love Poem

Your hair, like angel pasta.
Your alabaster skin, glistening with sauce.
Your toes, aching to be dipped.
Your breasts, sublime and filling.

You fulfill me with your flesh;
Appetize me on crackers;
Tease me in a sorbet;
Satisfy me for dinner.

I am saddened by this heavenly consumption,
as you will be no more to satiate my hunger.
I wish there was more of you…
Do you have a sister?

What if the Bible/Qur’an world were true?

What would you expect to see if the world described in the Bible and the Qur’an were true?

  1. First of all, you’d see magic. Lots of it.
  2. You’d hear about people with some fantastic powers, like a guy defeating a whole army using only a jawbone. You’d see also see prophets doing real magic, like transforming a stick into a snake.
  3. Once in a while, you’d hear some animals such as snakes, donkeys or ants, talking in a language you can understand and using correct grammar.
  4. You’d encounter some supernatural being on a daily basis.
  5. You’d witness people being miraculously cured or being brought back from the dead. You might also see zombies once in a while.
  6. Many people would hear a booming voice form the sky, or from a cloud, or fire.
  7. You might even see some stranger things such as fiery serpents coming from the sky or a flying chariot.

Is that fantastic and magical world part of your day to day life? Did anybody you know ever encounter any of this while NOT on drugs? Why not?

What if the Bible/Qur’an world were true?

What would you expect to see if the world described in the Bible and the Qur’an were true?

  1. First of all, you’d see magic. Lots of it.
  2. You’d hear about people with some fantastic powers, like a guy defeating a whole army using only a jawbone. You’d see also see prophets doing real magic, like transforming a stick into a snake.
  3. Once in a while, you’d hear some animals such as snakes, donkeys or ants, talking in a language you can understand and using correct grammar.
  4. You’d encounter some supernatural being on a daily basis.
  5. You’d witness people being miraculously cured or being brought back from the dead. You might also see zombies once in a while.
  6. Many people would hear a booming voice form the sky, or from a cloud, or fire.
  7. You might even see some stranger things such as fiery serpents coming from the sky or a flying chariot.

Is that fantastic and magical world part of your day to day life? Did anybody you know ever encounter any of this while NOT on drugs? Why not?

Famous Characters Thoughts

As Genghis Khan  was running into battle screaming, he thought:

” I really shouldn’t have eaten all those prunes for breakfast”

Napoleon Bonaparte though, looking at his army:

“I’m almost 5’7″ and taller than the average Frenchman… I’ll be remembered as a tall great general no doubt”

Taking his first steps on the Moon, Neil Armstrong thought:

“Can’t believe how uncomfortable that new thong is!”

Julius Caesar thought, while looking at his powerful empire:

” If only I could grow a moustache, I’d die a happy man”.

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What if…

What if religious people would do their jobs using the same magical version of reality they believe in their spiritual life?

  • An accountant would put all the invoices in a magic box, say a short prayer and expect the annual report to appear on his boss’ desk by 9am.
  • All religious doctors would try to exorcise the cancer out of the patient.
  • All believers would stop taking drugs and go to hospitals because they prayed.
  • A civil engineer wouldn’t have to calculate the charges for a bridge because angels will help support the cars to cross the river.
  • A farmer would send his donkey to the vet because its not talking. (see Balaam story in Numbers 22:1-35)
  • The insurance adjuster would believe you when you tell him your house was destroyed by fiery snakes.
  • A clerk could not go to work because some customers have the evil eye.
  • The Pope would stop using a bullet-proof Popemobile and rely on divine protection only.

Mundane Complexification

Geo-Helio-synchronous Temporal Personal Device — Watch

Thermal Wave-based Transference Device — Microwave

Epidermal Helio-Photo Shield — Sunscreen

Analog Fiber-based Knowledge Repository — Book

Tactile Soundwave Manipulator — Piano

Avian Necro Cryo Protein Intake System — Frozen Chicken

Diameter-adjustable Abdominal Retaining Device — Belt

Human to Human Knowledge Transference System — School

12 Books Too Hot for Bookstores

  1. 1200 Ways to Make Love to a Melon
  2. How to Expose Yourself on National TV
  3. 101 Ways to Get Wild at a Funeral
  4. Teaser Sex: Using the Electric Thunder Down Under
  5. How to Get Prostitutes for Free
  6. Viagra & Redbull: The Silent & Fun Killer
  7. Great-Grannies Gone Wild
  8. When No Means (sort of) Yes
  9. Fun With Toasters & Tubs
  10. Tigers, Lions & Bears: Oh My! — Using Dangerous Wildlife for your Pleasure
  11. Sex with Cobras — A Step by Step Guide
  12. Sex in the Sky — 34 Seconds of Amazing Sex Without a Parachute!

10 Great Books for Gullible People

  1. Building Wealth by Wearing Yellow
  2. Become Rich in 2 days by Sending Us Money
  3. How to Bypass the Corporate Ladder by Using a Hidden Camera
  4. Create a Successful Business Using Dead Flies
  5. How to Impress Your Boss with Amazing World-Changing Ideas
  6. Get Rich By Investing in Nigerian Email Projects
  7. Selling Your Organs as a Safe Long-Term Investment
  8. How to Meet your Soul Mate by Pretending to be a Prostitute
  9. Become a Famous Filmmaker Using a Intra-Nasal Camera
  10. Make Friends by Only Wearing a Winning Smile

More Minor Superheroes

Mr. Tight Pants
Has the ability to make his pants tighter than anyone else on the planet.

Red Thunder
While he has an amazing name, Red Thunder’s only power is to give himself nose bleeds and red cheeks.

Professor Generic
Middle-age man who sports gray pants, beige shirt, a brown watch and black shoes. He has an average grasp of colloquial expressions and a forgetable hairdo.

StickyMan
Wears a leather G-string and has a slightly sticky skin, which can be kind of useful in an office setting if people run out of Post-It notes.

Anti-Flash
A guy who walks slowly.

The Amazing Tornado
A girl who is usually dizzy.

Miss Numbero
A teenager in a white jeans outfit, who always counts her steps.

Anti-Hulk
A pretty quiet fair-skinned guy.

Rictus
An overweight guy in sweat pants who often mixes irony with sarcasm.

The Freaks
Group of almost irritating villains that include Jeff the 5’10 giant, Bob the 5’9 dwarf, Hariet the single-jointed non-contortionist and Steve the 185 pound sumo.

How Smart are your Things?

One of the most overused concept and name, beside “green” is “smart”. Is the “smart” trend only a new marketing trick? Just how smart are the products having “smart” in their name?

Smart car
That one is a bit misleading, since the name means “Swatch Mercedes ART”. It’s very smart if you consider fuel consumption and ease of parking — less smart is feeling of panic you have when driving between 2 tractor-trailers on the highway at 110lm/m on a windy day.

Smart Phone
It stands for a phone that has more communication or productivity features, such as web browsing, music, camera, email, text message, etc. It does allow us to bring part of the desktop computing experience on the road. Unfortunately, the only part it does not enhance at all is actually the most basic function: phoning.

Smart Meter
Introduced this year by our electricity distributors, it is marketed as a new way to reduce our electricity cost. It’s actually a new way to force us to change our habits by using electricity in pre-determined time-slots (night-time and week-ends) while paying ever more for the service.

Smart Bomb
This is a bomb that has fins, sensors and a computer. It can steer to hit the target more precisely. In theory, it allows to drop less bombs to hit a specific target. Looks like a slightly less messy way to kill tons of people.

Lucky Christians

If the Bible is either written by God or at least inspired by God, then the information included in the book must be true. If the information is a quote from Jesus, who is supposed to be an avatar of God himself, then we can safely assume that it’s even more reliable.

All 4 gospels in the New Testament report Jesus saying something like “Ask and you shall receive” (Mark 11:24-25, Matthew 21:21-22, Luke 11:9-13, John 14:13-14). The offer is quite clear; there is no legal proviso, no terms and conditions, no limitations presented as long as you have faith.

So, one who believes God wrote or inspired the Bible would be tempted to believe these words. A Christian would be well justified to expect a reply or a fulfillment to his or her prayer.

Obviously, all Christians should:

  1. be healthy
  2. have super strength
  3. live forever
  4. have superpowers
  5. look amazing
  6. have sex with supermodels all the time
  7. have extra good luck in all
  8. win the lottery every week, making them billionaires
  9. make a real difference in the world
  10. have friends and family with the same luck

If not, then maybe the “Ask and you shall receive” is not entirely true. You mean, there is an untruth in the Bible? How can it be? After all, it was either written, whispered, inspired or endorsed by the creator of the universe!

Evaluating Magical Claims

How do you evaluate magical claims? How can you tell that something totally unsubstantiated is more likely than something else, which is equally unsubstantiated?

Here are 5 ways people evaluate pseudo-science or magical therapies:

  1. Antiquity of the method. It’s the idea that if something has been around for a long time, then it must be valid or at least have some merit, like homeopathy or acupuncture.
  2. Authority of the anecdotal source or celebrity endorsement. The Secret was featured on Oprah, making it credible in the eyes of million of people.
  3. Appeal of the internal logic. The idea here is that as long as the method is consistent with the belief system it lays on, many people will not question the validity of the premise. For example: Angel Therapy is a form of new age healing through guidance from angels. It makes sense that since angels have superpowers and are benevolent, they might help you get better. if you substitute “angel” with other equally fictional characters, like leprechaun, unicorn or the wizard Merlin, the method looses a bit of its charm. Just like angels, those other 3 characters are described at lengths in many books, have been around for along time, might be benevolent and all have some superpowers.
  4. Perceived power of the method. Angels seem to have more power than pink bunnies, so Angel Therapy sounds better than Pink Bunny Therapy.
  5. Appeal of the claims. It really doesn’t matter if most or all claims are totally unfounded. If your glossy brochure claims that your method gets rid of migraines, club foot, leprosy and irritable bowels, some people will try it.

If your friend tried Psychic Chromatic Left-brain Biofeedback and got rid of her cold, are you going to stop buying DayQuil and rush to the psychic next time you have a cold?

Unfortunate Creatures

  1. A germaphobe zombie
  2. An hemoglobin-intolerant vampire *
  3. A bald Sasquatch
  4. A mermaid who can’t swim
  5. A flying-horse who’s afraid of heights
  6. An  arachnophobic spiderlady
  7. The ghost of a steamroller victim
  8. A mute werewolf
  9. A claustrophobic mummys
  10. A shy anemic guy with big hair, who sparkles in the sun and climb trees

* Credit to my son for that awesome idea.

I’m NOT an expert in…

  1. Reverse rhinoplasty
  2. Zoocryoaromatherapy (healing by the smell of frozen meat)
  3. Underwater backgammon
  4. Human taxidermy
  5. Hit and run frontal lobotomies
  6. The mating habits of mythical creatures
  7. Diction coaching for loose-jaw porn actresses
  8. High altitude blindfolded flying trapeze
  9. Grizzly bear hand-to-hand combat
  10. 600lbs marble balls juggling

I’m NOT an expert in…

  1. Reverse rhinoplasty
  2. Zoocryoaromatherapy (healing by the smell of frozen meat)
  3. Underwater backgammon
  4. Human taxidermy
  5. Hit and run frontal lobotomies
  6. The mating habits of mythical creatures
  7. Diction coaching for loose-jaw porn actresses
  8. High altitude blindfolded flying trapeze
  9. Grizzly bear hand-to-hand combat
  10. 600lbs marble balls juggling

Fugly Wobbly

Fugly Wobbly was a bear
Fugly Wobbly had no hair
Fugly Wobbly loves his scotch
Fugly Wobbly grinds his crotch
Fugly Wobbly is no beauty
Fugly Wobbly is rather drooly
Fugly Wobbly falls assleep
Fugly Wobbly is quite a creep

20 Jobs Parents Do

  1. Caregiver
  2. Protector
  3. Entertainer
  4. Playmate
  5. Organizer
  6. Driver
  7. Singer
  8. Teacher
  9. Role Model
  10. Cook
  11. Coach
  12. Comforter
  13. Supply Manager
  14. Financial Provider
  15. Financial Planner
  16. Psychologist
  17. Referee
  18. Janitor
  19. Santa Claus
  20. Tooth Fairy

Those Trendy Words

über
Often used in a ParisHilton-ish way to emphasize a quality, as in: OMG, this colonoscopy tube was über deep!

licious
Suffix added to a noun to add a sexy and playful quality, like in the new IRS taxlicious, the gynecologist’s papsmearolilious, or atomic bombilicious.

Smart
Prefix used to make the customer think they are buying something special with extra features for a premium price, such as the Smart-Laxative or Smart-Door Stopper.

Extreme
Prefix giving a sense of excitement and danger, like in Xtreme-Stamp Collecting, Xtreme-Accounting, and Extreme Rollerblade Roof Racing.

Green
Gives the impression the product is beneficial for the environment, no matter how insignificant the advantage really is, as in Green-Tar, Green-Cigar and the Green Giant.

Battle of the Champions

Vlad “The Empaler” Romanoff, 8-time World “Unprovoked Savage Attack” Champion
vs
Benjamin “Shadow Mover” Finckelstein, 5 times Sudoku World Champion

Craig Hornez, Undefeated Bare Knuckles Skull Crushing Champion
vs
Timmy lester, 4 times “Huge Antique Bicycle Riding” General’s Cup Regional Champion

Roberto “Slicer” Rodrigez, 2001-2010 Intercontinental Machete Champion
vs
3 times Gold medalist, 100m Olympic Sprinter

Thorgal Swensson, Scandinavian Axe Throwing Champion
vs
Martha DuPont, 2002 Ohio Cupcake Face-off Winner

Phil Alan Guthrie, Sentenced to 210 life terms for 53 homicides
vs
Theodore “The Widow Maker” Statham, Senior Tax Collector, IRS

Not that impressive…

  1. A 68 year-old men that is pretty mature for his age.
  2. A fairly tall giant.
  3. A politician that is not straightforward.
  4. A big sumo.
  5. A lazy cat.
  6. A hyper-active Chihuahua.
  7. A crack addict that is not reliable.
  8. A cult-leader that is slightly creepy.
  9. A monster truck announcer that is shouting.
  10. A pretty accurate watchmaker.

Not that impressive…

  1. A 68 year-old men that is pretty mature for his age.
  2. A fairly tall giant.
  3. A politician that is not straightforward.
  4. A big sumo.
  5. A lazy cat.
  6. A hyper-active Chihuahua.
  7. A crack addict that is not reliable.
  8. A cult-leader that is slightly creepy.
  9. A monster truck announcer that is shouting.
  10. A pretty accurate watchmaker.

New Lifestyle Books

  1. Senior Prevention: Lures & Traps to Get Rid of Your Seniors
  2. Modern Medicine: How Amulets, Charms and Incantations Can Replace Doctors
  3. Financial Forecasting Using Dreams, Oracles and Prophecies
  4. Auto-Surgery for Dummies
  5. Faith-based Education: Make Fear and Stoning Work for You!
  6. Cooking Humans: 150 Great Recipes for the Holidays
  7. The No-Limit Diet: Loose Muscle Weight by Eating AS MUCH Junk as you Want!
  8. How to Convert Your Basement into a Dungeon in 3 Days
  9. 12 Creative Ways to Hide a Body in Your House
  10. How to Create Accidents and Never Get Caught

Glossolalia

Glossolalia is the technical term for “Speaking In Tongues”. It can be seen in Christian Pentecostal churches, in some shamanic and voodoo rituals as well as on Youtube.

It is written in the Bible that people will be able to speak in tongues (Mark 16:17, Acts 2:4, Acts 10:46, 1 Corinthians 13:1). I have a few questions about it though:

Is there a way to tell the difference between someone speaking in real tongue and, say, someone making the stuff up as he or she goes?

I can pretend to speak Chinese, Russian and German on the spot. Does it count?

I would be more impressed by someone who converts to Christianity, then starts to speak fluent upper-class Sumerian than by someone who sounds like a drunken babbling buffoon who pretends to speak the language of the angels. Really.

I will now write in tongues for you. Ready?

“Lalana Optepth Ismaereit gahna ourah smill! Oura Karh delo pseir ricr.”

Was it the angels speaking through me or was I just making it up? How do you know?

A different kind of love…

I never met my father. He never writes or calls me. He was not even there when I was born.

My neighbors keep saying that my father loves me, although they never met him either.

I read that if I obey what people say he wants, he will reward me by moving in with him at some point and finally meeting him.

If I don’t obey, some of his helpers will bring me in the basement of his mansion and torture me forever.

I apparently have a choice: obey or be tortured forever.

The catch is that I can never have a straight and simple answer on what it means to obey my father. The book people say was written or dictated by my father has 613 rules. Some rules forbid me to have bad thoughts to any degree; some other pertain to not mixing some types of fabrics. Some people say it has 10 main rules, which I see people break all the time.

According to my father’s book, if I break some of those rules, my neighbors have to kill me.

Those rules don’t mention that I have to be 18 to be killed. This means a baby who break some of those rules has to be killed too.

What kind of father would torture his children or order people to kill them if they break even the silliest of rules?

I must be a different kind of father because I never thought about stoning or torturing my children…

A different kind of love…

I never met my father. He never writes or calls me. He was not even there when I was born.

My neighbors keep saying that my father loves me, although they never met him either.

I read that if I obey what people say he wants, he will reward me by moving in with him at some point and finally meeting him.

If I don’t obey, some of his helpers will bring me in the basement of his mansion and torture me forever.

I apparently have a choice: obey or be tortured forever.

The catch is that I can never have a straight and simple answer on what it means to obey my father. The book people say was written or dictated by my father has 613 rules. Some rules forbid me to have bad thoughts to any degree; some other pertain to not mixing some types of fabrics. Some people say it has 10 main rules, which I see people break all the time.

According to my father’s book, if I break some of those rules, my neighbors have to kill me.

Those rules don’t mention that I have to be 18 to be killed. This means a baby who break some of those rules has to be killed too.

What kind of father would torture his children or order people to kill them if they break even the silliest of rules?

I must be a different kind of father because I never thought about stoning or torturing my children…