What’s wrong with 72 virgins?

It is a widespread notion that the Muslim reward for violent death is 72 virgins. This sounds good if it’s your thing, but is based on several key assumptions. This requires some thought:

  1. Will they have a physical body or will they be immaterial? Good luck trying to get some fun out of a virgin ghost.
  2. If they do have a physical body, will it be “structurally functional”? A virgin without hands, breast, mouth, or any opening of any kinds is generally less pleasurable.
  3. Will they be human? A virgin slug or a virgin cobra take some time to get used to it.
  4. Will they be the right scale? A 200 foot or 2 inch virgin is slightly inconvenient.
  5. Will they be complete or will they be missing limbs or be horribly disfigured? A blown up virgin in a jar is probably not what you had in mind.
  6. Will they be of the gender you prefer?
  7. Will they wear an un-removable suit of armor?
  8. Will they be age appropriate or will they be fetuses or 122 years old women?
  9. Will they be covered in boils, pustules or be constantly leaking pus?
  10. Will they be so hairy you can barely feel them under that jungle of fur?
  11. Will they be nice or will they never shut up with a flow of disgusting insults?
  12. Will they be in the same general location as you or will you have to travel for 2,000 years to meet each one?
  13. Will they easily submit to you or will you have to fight off immortal 300 foot tall guards to get to them?
  14. Will they have a nauseating smell, an extremely loud male voice or any other highly repellent qualities?
  15. Will they be radioactive or make you extremely ill on contact?
  16. Will they all look like your mom?
  17. Once you “know” they them, will they still be virgins? If not, you could be done with your reward in 2 days and be stuck for an eternity with pesky “non-virgins”…