- Candy Cane Shrapnel
- Red Blood on White Snow
- I saw Santa Eviscerate an Elf
- Jingle Hell
- Eggnog & Whiskey
- The Gift Was Breathing…
- Reindeer Carnage
- Christmas Bloody Christmas
- Psycho Santa
- The Day I Shot Santa
Author Archives: dbo394778056
The Christian Afterlife
Finding ways to cope with the loss of someone you love is a self-preservation mechanism. You can never blame someone who lost their children or their spouse to believe they are in a good place and that they will see them again soon.
The afterlife is a touchy subject. For that comforting belief to work, you have to believe that:
- you keep your individuality and are not merged with all other people after they die
- you will have a physical body, capable of hugging, kissing, seeing, hearing and talking
- people will look like you remember them and not change age, gender, or physical appearance
- you will not look like they did at the time of death, which would be horrifying in some cases
- you stop aging and stop being sick
- you and your loved ones will recognize each other, both physically and mentally when you get reunited
- you will be able to find each other in the billions of people that populates the afterlife
- you will still feel the same about each other as you felt on Earth
- you will have kept all your memories
- the afterlife will include pets, but not mean or dangerous ones
- you get reunited at the moment you die and not 20 million years after
- family members and friends will all find each other and get along
- there will be no conflicts to spoil heavenly relationships
- you will not get bored of seeing the same people for 137 trillion years
- every good persons will be together
- you will not miss people who are not there
Another way to look at the afterlife idea is that reality doesn’t matter as the afterlife concept is for the living and not the the dead. It doesn’t matter if the popular afterlife belief or the biblical version is true or not, since its main goal is to provide comfort for people who lost loved ones.
You can choose to believe in something without evidence for personal comfort or to make sense of something so horrible you would not be able to live otherwise. But there is a difference between something you choose to believe and something being true or real. I think the afterlife is a personal belief and not something you can convince people of with arguments.
In this case, you would be better off believing in a totally made up version of the afterlife and surely not the one proposed by the Bible.
The popular version of the afterlife is a warm place full of people you love, without conflict, sickness or death, forever.
the biblical version is a large floating cube with streets made of gold, presided by creatures full of eyes and mercenary angels. There is also an idea of a New Earth with a New Jerusalem, without war, sickness or natural disaster. You get access to that version only at the end of times, which is a timeframe not defined. People you love who were not Christian or messed up on one important thing Jesus allegedly said in one of the parable that was edited, mistranslated or mis-reported in the chosen and published books that made the final version of the Bible.
Which version will make you feel better when a love one dies?
Mental Games I Play
When walking outside, I sometimes focus mostly on all the sounds around me and try to differentiate them all, building a 3D auditory map of my surroundings.
Passive Thought Observation
Before going to sleep, I close my eyes and observe my thoughts. I can see them appearing, morphing and vanishing like ever-changing clouds on a cinema screen.
Controlled Fly-through Mental Exploration
I create a mental 3D scene and imagine flying around a room, going under tables, raising close the ceiling, as the scene angles and details are changing. Another scene I like is to imagine slowly taking-off with a jet pack and feeling my body lifting from the ground and looking at the changing perspective of the landscape as I go higher. I also imagine flying above a wheat field, twisting and flipping in the air, then flying over a cliff — all with images so vivid it looks like a camera on a plane.
Natural Complexity Awareness
I look at the fractal structure of branches, the multiple layers of moving clouds at different altitudes, etc. I also imagine how the landscape where I stand would of there were no roads, no buildings and nothing built by people.
I sometimes mentally zoom out from me and see my street, my town, my country, my continent, the Earth and keep zooming out to the solar system and galaxy level. At that moment, I have the very clear feeling of being on the surface of a planet, in space, way off the center of our galaxy. I also do the opposite and imagine the atomic structure of the floor or my body, being made mostly of empty space between the nucleus of the atoms and their orbiting electrons.
What mental games do you play?
Where do you draw the line?
If you are Christian, you have to believe in magic, as the Bible is filled with it.
If you believe in New Age therapies, you probably believe in magic as well, as they routinely invoke untested or untestable magical ideas.
But where do you draw the line?
If you must believe in angels & demons, giants, wizards, talking donkeys & snakes (all mentioned in the Bible), do you also believe in unicorns, mermaids, leprechauns, gnomes, trolls, fairies, vampires, ghosts, elves, dragons, and werewolves?
If you believe in exorcisms (as clearly depicted in the Bible), do you also believe in voodoo power, magic potions, magical charms and talismans, rain dance, psychics, astrologers, and curses?
Would you believe in a creature I made up 5 minutes ago called the Hexegan Beast? What if I write a book about it and add some Photoshopped pictures of it as proof? What if 50 people told you they also heard about it. What if someone creates a TV show about it on the History Channel? Does it makes that beast more real?
What if I tell you I heard from my psychic that you can cure cancer using purple crystals blessed by a blind albino Shaman? Will you stop your medical treatment to follow it?
What if I tell you the angel Gabriel told me to leave my family, change my name to O’rok and go to a cave for 20 years? Will you think I’m crazy? If you’re Christian , Jewish or Muslim, you must believe in angels as it’s part of your Scripture — so why would you not believe me?
If you believe in magic, how to you tell if something is possible or not?
How do you evaluate a source of information?
How do you access if something is unreal or a hoax?
Do evidence count for something in that world view?
New TV shows
Reno & Run!
Interior designers and painters break into houses when people are sleeping to repaint and decorate their kitchens, bathrooms or even bedrooms.
They have to make sure to cut those pesky alarm system wires before they begin their intrusion and dress up as ninjas.
Before leaving, they hide camera to watch the reaction of the house owners.
Blindfolded contestants have to smell people and guess who they are. Highlights of the show include a 80 homeless man with chronic diarrhea, a sweaty sumo and a sardine worker.
Win it Back
An hilarious reality TV contest where 5 random strangers are abducted and one of their organs removes. They are then invited to guess which one is their organ. If they guess correctly, they can have it back!
5 contestants are pushed down a plane with only 4 of them having a real parachute. Each round, one of the contestants gets flattened, while the final remaining contestant wins the $50,000 prize.
Studying the Biblical Arguments
What does the study of the Bible, the existence of God and the creationists (or intelligent design) arguments entail?
- History, based on evidence of archeology and external historical records
- Cosmology to compare with the biblical cosmological views
- Textual criticism to reveal authorship, editing, the role of scribes, and contradictions in the Bible
- Knowledge of other scripture and ancient stories to put the biblical ideas and stories in context
- Physical geography, plate tectonics, geology, geomorphology and climatology to compare with the flood story
- Biology, anatomy, biogeography, genetics and phylogeny (classification) to understand the Theory of Evolution
- Argumentation to detect logical fallacies and dishonest tactics
- Creationism and Intelligent Design to understand their framework, history and techniques
Mythical Fine Dining
Medusa Kebab Plate
Comment: the potatoes were rock hard.
Comment: Good, but you really have to go through hoops to get that meal.
Mummy Chicken Wrap
Comment: I felt a bit strange for days after eating it… like I was cursed or something.
Comment: Tender, but i wish they did a better job at shaving the meat…
Invisible Man’s Salad
Comment: Not happy. $12 for a salad and it seemed like an empty bowl to me…
Overheard from the Bedroom
- Wait, who’s that?
- I told you it wouldn’t fit in there!
- Did you keep the instructions?
- Are you sure it’s dead?
- Will the owner look for it?
- It’ll wake the neighbors up for sure!
- Stop, there is an oil leak!
- We need a bigger tarp!
- It looks dangerous!
- Stop, it’s stuck!
- You didn’t know about the camera in the mirror?
- Turn to the left and smile!
- What the *&?&# is that?
- Stop crying, I’ll buy you a new one…
- Won’t it overflow?
- I never noticed you had 3!
- It just won’t stretch that far!
- Are you sure it’s legal?
- I’m missing a bolt.
- Wow, I didn’t know it could explode!
Great Unfeasible Idea 1
Matter is mostly empty space so a solid surface is only an illusion. The atoms themselves are mostly empty space as the particles are very small compared to the size of the atom. The idea is to compress matter by collapsing the empty space between the atoms — very much like how we compress computer files by removing empty spaces and mapping where the spaces should be.
Compressed Hydro-balls. A sphere the size of a ping-pong ball could contain the same amount of water as an Olympic-size pool. We could use those balls to easily ship large quantity or water to irrigate farms or desert.
- The ping-pong-size Hydro-Ball would weight exactly the same as all the water contained in an Olympic-size pool, which holds 88,287 cubic feet of water. Each cubic foot of water weighs 62.43 pounds. The tiny Hydro-Ball would they weigh 5.5 million pounds or 2.5 million kilos. Imagine shipping a box full of Hydro-Balls…
- Finding a way to keep matter from re-expending would be amazingly difficult.
- Developing a release mechanism to expend the content of the ball — water — slowly would be next to impossible. Imagine 88,287 cubic feet of water expending from the size of a ping-pong ball to an Olympic pool in 1 nanosecond. It would be similar to an atomic bomb exploding.
- Avoiding misuses would be very tricky. Imagine someone who expand a Hydro-Ball in his living room or his car.
Can of Whoop-Ass
- Where do you buy it?
- Is there a maximum number of can one can possess without being illegal?
- Can you store it at room temperature or does it need to be refrigerated?
- Does the product have an expiry date?
- What happens if you open a can of expired Whoop-Ass? Is it like being beaten up by a 95 year old?
- What are the active ingredients?
- Can you be allergic or addicted to Whoop-Ass?
- Are the generic brands as strong as the Whoop-Ass brand?
- Is it stronger if you shake it before opening it?
- If you partially open it, does some of the whoop-ass get out, making it less potent?
- Do you take any special precautions once you open it?
- Does it come with clear instructions?
- Does it come in different size?
- Does it come in different flavors, like Kung Fu Whoop-Ass, Old School Whoop-Ass, or Grandma’s Xtreme Whoop-Ass?
- Do you have to wear protective gear when you open a can of Whoop-Ass?
What do you mean when you think is something or someone being invisible?
True invisibility means to not be detectable by visible light, infrared, ultraviolet, radar, and the or any of the other wavelengths.
It also means to not have visible or measurable effects on your environment that would tell people you are there. You can’t leave footprints, ripples, vapor trails, weight changes, or any other physical signs.
Starting from scratch
Did you ever imagine how you would manage to create something large or complex from scratch?
Starting your own bank
You’d have to rent at least a few commercial spaces, decorate the offices, hire people, buy computers and banking equipment, install the ATM, deal with employee issues, advertise, design and print all your brochures and posters, get tons of money to start loaning it, learn how the money market works, establish branches, make money by investing the borrowed money wisely, get the political ties to get a huge bailout of you mess up badly…
Creating your own army
You’d have to find a lot of people, dress, feed, house & train them, buy them weapons, equipment & vehicles, find them something to do like some peace keeping or third-world country dictator toppling…
Starting your own car company
You’d have to learn about how cars work, rent a big factory, buy all the specialized equipment, buy and install tons of computers and phone lines, hire tons of people including engineers and janitors, design a car that actually works and is safe enough not to get sued on your first day, get all the patents, build a testing facility, establish a distribution chain, spend tons of money in advertise, transport your cars to the distributors and compete with all the existing car manufacturers.
Setting up your own space exploration company
You’d have to buy computers, CAD software, learn how to use it, design your spacecraft, rent a large warehouse, buy all the material to build them, produce at least a few of them, buy the fuel, find a market willing to pay, hire pilots, train them on your spacecraft, transport your spacecraft to the launching site, hire lots of lawyer for when your spacecraft plummet into a residential area and make an enormous mess…
Starting a terraforming company
Once you have your bank to fund your projects, and your own space exploration company, you can create your own terraforming company. First, you have to learn what terraforming is, then you have to learn about astronomy, chemistry, physics, geology, climatology, oceanography, and long distance space travel. You must then find a planet to transform into an hospitable New Earth. You have to build the enormous pieces of equipment to create water, filter the toxic atmosphere, transform the soil from rock to organic soil and make sure the changes are permanent and self-sustaining.
- Baby Muppet Executive Briefcases
- African-style Elvis Collectible Plates
- Salvador Dali Pasta
- John Wayne Gacy clown outfit
- Barbie Pregnancy test
- Fisher-Price Anthrax
- Pokémon Personal Land Mine
- Javex Sulfuric Avid Mouth Wash
- Playboy Heart Surgery Clamps
- Gerber Baby Vodka
I know nothing
- I know nothing about people whose life is not mentioned in books, while I only have superficial knowledge of people whose life has been recorded in literature.
- I have only superficial knowledge of astronomy, with no knowledge at all of trillions of other planets and stars.
- I have no idea of how it would be to be able to perceive the full electromagnetic spectrum with all the all wavelengths (visible light, infrared, ultraviolet, radio waves, X-rays, microwaves, gamma rays and cosmic rays) at the same time. I don’t know how I would not be lost with all that information.
- I don’t know how to build a combustion engine, a computer or even a TV set from scratch.
- I know nothing about the exact way my own body use DNA in conjunction with my cells to keep me alive and functioning.
- I know nothing of the millions of species that became extinct without leaving a fossil and have only very superficial knowledge of the ones who left a fossilized presence.
- I have no idea how elementary particles such as lepton, muons and bosons can be so amazingly small and far apart, yet create the building blocks of atoms, which in turn create our physical environment.
- I have no idea how memories and data are stored in my own brain or how my neurons use chemical reactions to access and organize data to form a coherent pattern that is the article I’m writing.
Mythology or Scripture?
After talking to Christians and being immersed in Christian-based culture for years, I’m always surprised by how different the popular Christian view is from their own scripture.
For example, they believe that:
- Angels are kind and helpful
- Jesus created Christianity as it is now
- When you die after accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you go straight to Heaven to meet your loved ones.
- Heaven is a nice place.
If you don’t know already, none of these things are in the Bible — only the opposite.
In the actual Bible:
- Angels are armed mercenaries destroying cities
- Jesus insisted that people should obey the Law (Torah or Old Testament) in full, but like the newer way introduced by Paul.
- You go to Heaven (in fact, a new Earth) only at the end of times.
- Heaven is a large floating cube, presided by creatures full of eyes, not a quiet cloudy place.
I can think of 4 reasons why people would have those ideas, that are not based on the book they believe was at least inspired by their god.
- False Assumptions without Specific Knowledge: They just didn’t read the book themselves — they heard parts read here and there at church and at school but never bothered to read the whole Bible by themselves. They rely on misconceptions heavily influenced by art by the means of paintings, books, movies and TV series, but not the original text.
- Selective acceptance: The disconnect can be caused by people skipping over the uncomfortable passages and remembering only the “good parts”.
- Merging of different accounts: Instead of taking the Gospels individually, they merge the events written in the four existing Gospels to create a new fifth one not based on the actual text.
- Wishful reinterpretation: People can’t accept the actual meaning of what they read so they make up a new meaning based on what they wish for.
Protecting the message
There are a lot of people who believe the Bible is at least the inspired word of God — others believe it’s the actual word of God.
If an all powerful deity wrote or inspired people to write something, you would think the message is important.
Do you think a deity powerful enough to create the entire universe has the power to preserve the knowledge it passed to human beings?
Protecting the message means:
- To have unambiguous content. The 30,000+ Christian denominations are a testament to the ambiguous nature of that content.
- To reproduce it without any errors so that all book (mostly before the invention of the printing press only about 500 years ago) are exactly the same. The 100,000s textual differences between the manuscripts can safely rule that one out.
- To translate it perfectly to all languages and dialects. This means to get exactly the same message, regardless of cultural context, words available in that language, emotional content, or double meanings of words or idiomatic expressions in that language. It also mean to change the text to adapt to the new meaning of words and new cultural settings. This is very hard to nearly impossible for humans to do, but a breeze for an all-powerful creator of the universe.
- To have only one version of the text. The multiple versions containing some different books shows us the message is quite loose.
- To make it available to every human beings, no matter where or when they are on Earth. If the Bible is The Only Guide to Salvation, it should have been available to people before year 390 A.D when the last book (Book of Revelations) was included. It should have been made available to everybody before that time starting with the first humans.
- To make sure every human beings understand it, despite their education, literacy, cultural biases, mental deficiencies, age, or their intelligence level.
Can but won’t
Your 7 kids are playing in the living room. Your oldest is bullying everybody. The second oldest is sexually abusing the 3 youngest right in front of you.
You hide behind the curtains and watch, without stopping them or even asking them to stop.
By the end of the day, 4 of them are dead because they found the gun cabinet.
What kind of parent would let that happen without interfering?
Would that parent be a good person?
Would that parent be thrust worthy when he or she talks about morals and how people should treat their kids?
Of course not.
But most people believe God is everywhere and all powerful, yet does nothing to stop wars, child abuse, genocide, decease and natural disasters that kill millions. That all powerful being is supposed to see everything but does not stop any of it.
Theogeography is the emerging science of analyzing the distribution of factors such as natural disasters, socio-economic status, IQ, award recipients, divorce rate, crime rate, longevity, health, relative happiness, etc, based on the ratio of specific beliefs.
Since we know for a fact that Christians can ask anything they want and they will get it (Luke 11:9-10). Since Jesus was the Son of God and God himself as well (according to the Trinity, all 3 are the same), he did not lie and had the power to make such claim. You can them safely expect that areas with a high concentration of Christian would show extremely low crime rate, divorce rate, and unemployment rate. They would show very few hospital as they would not need them (they can simply asked to be healed). They would also very little pollution as they would not need cars or buses — they can ask to fly or be teleported instead, which does not pollute.
The HCDA (high Christian density areas) would show no natural disasters such as earthquakes, flood, tornadoes, hurricanes or volcanoes. They would show a abnormally high rate of favorable chance-based winnings (lottery, casino, bingo, etc) and very high concentration of Noble laureates, Grammy, Oscar and other prizes.
You can also expect areas that are not less populated by Christian believers such a Norway, Sweden, China and Japan to have very low IQ, economic success, literacy rate and very high mortality rate, divorce rate, crime rates, be hit daily by natural disasters and rarely win anything.
What’s wrong with 72 virgins?
It is a widespread notion that the Muslim reward for violent death is 72 virgins. This sounds good if it’s your thing, but is based on several key assumptions. This requires some thought:
- Will they have a physical body or will they be immaterial? Good luck trying to get some fun out of a virgin ghost.
- If they do have a physical body, will it be “structurally functional”? A virgin without hands, breast, mouth, or any opening of any kinds is generally less pleasurable.
- Will they be human? A virgin slug or a virgin cobra take some time to get used to it.
- Will they be the right scale? A 200 foot or 2 inch virgin is slightly inconvenient.
- Will they be complete or will they be missing limbs or be horribly disfigured? A blown up virgin in a jar is probably not what you had in mind.
- Will they be of the gender you prefer?
- Will they wear an un-removable suit of armor?
- Will they be age appropriate or will they be fetuses or 122 years old women?
- Will they be covered in boils, pustules or be constantly leaking pus?
- Will they be so hairy you can barely feel them under that jungle of fur?
- Will they be nice or will they never shut up with a flow of disgusting insults?
- Will they be in the same general location as you or will you have to travel for 2,000 years to meet each one?
- Will they easily submit to you or will you have to fight off immortal 300 foot tall guards to get to them?
- Will they have a nauseating smell, an extremely loud male voice or any other highly repellent qualities?
- Will they be radioactive or make you extremely ill on contact?
- Will they all look like your mom?
- Once you “know” they them, will they still be virgins? If not, you could be done with your reward in 2 days and be stuck for an eternity with pesky “non-virgins”…
10 Bad Things about Zombies
It is pretty clear by now that zombies have an overall lack of decorum and good manners:
Not the most polite
A simple “thank you” after munching on your brain goes a long way.
Would they kill them to stand straight?
Dangerously outdated sense of fashion
Lot’s be honest here: they look awful — unless they were bitten during a fashion show, of course. In that case, you have can have some fabulous looking zombies.
Poor personal hygiene
Would it be too much to ask for them to shower once in a while?
Atrocious table manners
Ever seen one use a fork and knife when eating? What about as napkin?
Lack in communications skills
I’m sorry, but when did “grrr” and “arrrhhgg” become an acceptable form of communicating?
Total disregard for private property
They break windows, enter private properties willy-nilly, and certainly never respected the “Keep off the grass” sign.
Don’t play well with others
Eh zombies, ever heard of sharing? When you catch someone, leave some for your buddies — They are starving too you know!
You never see a mellow zombie — they always seem angry for some reason.I wonder if Arctic Zombies are more peaceful?
They seem to never care about wasting perfectly good body parts. They will your brain but will leave your perfectly good arms arms intact. Shameful.
Thanks to my deliciously quirky wife for her help on this one.
Exciting New Sports
A 23-foot race for people with no endurance
With both feet together, the athlete who jumps the further sideways wins.
Sliding Pole Vaulting
Like traditional Pole Vaulting, but with the pole completely covered in grease… and without a mat.
Like regular football, but with a special floor that includes trap doors, trampoline patches, random fire and the occasional release of rabid wild boars.
Pea Pushing Marathon
With only a straw in your mouth, you have to blow on a pea for 42 miles.
Extreme Speed Swimming
Covered in food sludge, you have to cross a piranha-infested river.
Monster Truck Polo
Finally, a less aristocratic version of Polo!
Those darn bots
As our lives are becoming more and more virtual, bots will become increasingly disruptive.
I’m not talking about the humanoid robots we see in movies or the working robots we see in factories. I’m talking about digital bot — entities made entirely of code.
The old bots were visiting billions of sites to gather information to help search engines on the web. They were talking to us on phone systems and in novelty website guides.
A new kind of bot is appearing and is interfacing with our digital lives. They can send customized emails addressed to our name, from someone we know by tapping into our contact list and leave comments on blogs from a database of generic comments and compose a new name, domain name and email address for each comment.
Very soon, bots will become more sophisticated, making it very hard to tell them apart from other online entities, like our friends, our banks, or e-commerce sites we purchase from. Bots are becoming an integral part of phishing and scamming operations. They will fool us with an array of stolen real information and a composite of believable information modeled after our stolen profiles and communications patterns from different social networking sites.
The future is friendly… if you’re a bot.
10 ways to have fun at meetings, Part 3
- If you’re a big burly man, make sure your yellow thong is visible above your belt.
- Show everyone around the table how you can fit your fist in your mouth.
- On a sunny day, arrive at the meeting with your clothes and hair totally soaked.
- Bring a canned laugh machine to emphasize your jokes and a clapping machine to cheer what you say something quasi deep.
- Lower every chairs but raise yours. You’ll look much taller.
- Before the meeting, place a small mirror, a razor blade and a small amount of sugar on the table, in front of all the seats. Watch who tries it discreetly.
- Fill half the chairs with blow-up dolls dressed in 3-piece suits.
- Spend 20 minutes to set a laptop, a tablet, 2 smart phones and a portable printer. Then use only pen and paper for the meeting.
- When visiting a new company, pretend to be mute and request all communications to be written. At the end of the meeting, thank them verbally.
- Warm people before the meeting that you have STS (Selective Tourette Syndrome) triggered by obscure business jargon and yell obscenities every time people mention “leveraging the paradigm shift”, or “Incentivise the top-tier multi-mode architecture”.
Benefits of befriending a ghost
Ghosts, with all their limitations, can still be invaluable friends. By being able to go through walls, disappearing on command, being invisible and floating in mid air, they can help you in many ways:
Spying: They can go see what your competitors are doing and report back to you.
Blackmailing: You can easily gather monetary gain from people’s embarrassing secrets. This is your chance to use that proverbial “fly on the wall”.
Recon: Ghosts can’t really transport anything heavy, so they are pretty useless at stealing gold bars or bags of money for you. But they can look around for you to find safe combination, passwords, names on a list, PIN numbers, etc. No need to learn complicated and illegal hacking techniques with you’re friend with a ghost.
Pranks: With ghosts, the potential for pranks is endless. A head coming out of the toilet, an empty suit chasing your friends, body parts in the soup, a torso peeking through the wall… You’ll never be bored again!
Pretending to have psychic powers: With otherworldly connections, your ghost friend can tell you about your customer’s deceased family members to make you look like the big shot who charges the big bucks.
Preparation: One day, you might have the chance of turning into a ghost yourself, so learn the trick now!
Fun Things to Tell People at Parties
- “I won’t drink blood tonight.”
- “Man, I’m way too drunk to fight naked!”
- “I’m going to clone my favorite flea.”
- “I’m a strip-o-clown enthusiast.”
- “I’m a field internal plastic surgeon. I can reshape your pancreas in the kitchen with a spoon if you want”
- “I used to be rich. Now I love shrimps.”
- “You know, I can murder you in this basement and no one will notice.”
- “You aura is pulsing to the left. When is the last time you had it aligned?”
- “I’ve been a financial advisor to Bernie Madoff and Enron.”
- “I’m a Scientologist. I’m Xenu’s brother-in-law.”
Coming next fall to Food TV
Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:
Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!
Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.
5 Fun Games for Kids
- Play “Punch Buggy” in the parking lot of the Volkswagen factory.
- Play Hide & Seek in New York’s sewer system.
- Sort a colony of fire ants by size.
- Count the grains of sand on a beach.
- Copy the phonebook, in crayons.
Which is worst?
I ask you to think hard about those questions. Which one is worse and why?
Taking your steak rare in a restaurant.
Taking a bite out of a cow that just died in the field.
Killing someone yourself.
Allowing people to invade a country and kill families.
Believing that gnomes listen to your thoughts and have the power to help your life.
Believing that angels listen to your thoughts and have the power to help your life.
Not giving money to help starving people in Africa because you think money will not get there
Not giving money to the homeless guy down the street because you think he’ll drink it anyway
Believing that when you die, you’ll go to on a cloud to see your loved ones for eternity (which is the description given in movies and painting).
Believing that when you die, you’ll go in a giant cube with streets paved in gold, guarded by giant creatures full of eyes, for eternity (which is the version of heaven actually described in the Bible).
Weather Reports from our Solar System
From Mercury: “Today, arrrgghh it burnnnnnnns! Back to you Ken!”
From the dark side of the moon: “Today, and for the rest of the year, dark, cold and dry. Again”
From Jupiter: “Today, cloudy and poisonous with winds up to 600km/h. Stay indoors if you don’t have to go out.”
From Saturn: “Conditions on the Rings today: icy with clear visibility. Great for skating!”
From Pluto: Today… who cares. No one watches my weather report anyway…
Thanks to my daughter for that great idea!
The relevance of tools in a Christian world
Jesus tells: “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” without terms, conditions or any limitations” (Matthew 21:21-22). Since Jesus is God, we can safely assume it is the Truth.
Why would Christians need:
- cars, trains or planes? (they can ask to be teleported)
- hospital, pills, casts, doctors or health insurance? (they can ask to be healed)
- plastic surgery? (they ask ask to have any appearance they like)
- money? (can can just ask form something and it will appear)
- bridges? (they can ask to levitate)
- weapons? (they can ask for their enemies to be destroyed by their god, like in the Old testament)
- dating services, bars or other place to meet a mate? (they can ask for the perfect mate right away)
- stoves, fridges or restaurants? (they can ask for the food and it will appear in front of them)
- cooling or heating systems? (they can ask God to change the climate for them)
- any science at all? (they can ask God to tell them directly how it works)