How to conquer the world in 6 easy steps

This is my 200th post since I started this blog, about 4 years ago! Yeah!

As you can imagine, there are several ways to conquer the world.

Step 1: Define.

Define what is conquering the world means.. Does it mean militarily, religiously, artistically, ideologically, technologically, financially, or even with popularity as the most recognizable face or name.

Step 2: Plan.

Although going bezerk with a pellet gun has its appeal, you will unfortunately have to plan a lot to become master of the world.

In most cases, you will need to setup an army. This requires a lot of money, unless you can control your minions with fear (as a religious figure), brain-wave manipulation (as a technological evil genius), extremely compelling idea (potent ideology) or adoration (as an extremely popular model, writer, musician or actor). If you want to use ways other that truckload of money to control people, make sure your ideology or influence is compatible with world domination. If you sing about love and compassion, you won’t be able to ask your followers to invade a country, no matter how popular you are.

You will need to establish what kind of minions you want, promote your need for employment, stage auditions, and look at resumes. You might need help at that stage, as going through 20 millions resume might take the best part of your life.

You will need to generate enough money to buy equipment, weapons, lodging, food, bribes and staff salary. You will also need a way to transport your troops to the places you want to conquer. Unfortunately, you can’t conquer a country by e-mail, unless you’re a cyber-tyrant. Transport can be pretty expensive, mostly if you have over 500,000 troops. Think about gas, repairs and insurance. You also shouldn’t buy Smart Cars or Ford Focus, as they really don’t look serious on a battlefield — and they don’t come in an armored version.

There are several ways to generate money but most are slow or uncertain. You can invest in high-risk ventures, marry someone very rich that is either very sick or very old. You can also invent something that will generate billions of dollars quickly, like a alternative to fossil fuel or a powerful aphrodisiac. Another way to get rich quick is through illegal channels, such as e-mail scams or hacking, but you might get caught real quick and lose your dreams of using humanity as your personal slaves.

You might want to join a public speaking class if you want to give enflamed speeches to glassy-eyed pre-minions that will transform you from a mild-mannered suburban person to an evil tyrant or galactic benefactor.

Step 3: Implement.

This is where the hard work and sweat comes in. You might need to quit school or your day job, as becoming the master of the world is a full time gig. You will need a very tight grip on all your minions — you don’t want to have your Eastern Europe World Domination Campaign cancelled because they have soccer practice, there is something good on TV or because it’s raining, right?

You will have to seize control of the major Earth’s decisional points, such as the government of  the richest / largest countries, the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Moss ad and the U.N. This might take some time and some hefty bribes. You will also have to gain control of all Earth major cities, which might be harder that it sounds. You will have to physically go to all those places, remove the local army / guerillas / rebel forces / police groups and install your own armies. Bring an atlas and a GPS. Getting lost in the Amazonian forest or the Siberian can sure mess up your plans. Also, pack a jacket and warm socks — staying home because it’s too cold is not an option when you want to control a whole planet.

Step 4: Reinvent Yourself.

Once you gain control of Earth, you will need a title. Try to avoid anything common, like President, Prime-minister or Boss. Adding Supreme, Galactic or “of the Universe” to your title can really make you look cool.

You will also need to invest a new persona. Don’t stay plumber Mike from New Jersey or hairdresser Susan from Paris — go wild! There is no limits to what people will believe if the propaganda is good. Invent a divine origin (like the Dear Leader of North Korea did), create a myth based on your imaginary feats and give yourself superpowers.

Step 5: Promote.

Keep promoting yourself! This step also cost a lot of money, which will not be a problem once you seize 75% of all income on Earth. While T-Shirts and posters are vaguely ok, think more along the lines of mandatory full-back tattoos with your face and tagline, rice fields images of you that are visible from space and cloud-shaping. This will keep you top-of-mind for your loyal subjects.

Step 6: Remain in power

This is a tough one. You have to block other people’s attempts at rebellion at all time. You might want to avoid publishing a book explaining in details how you conquered the world. Unless you are using a powerful brain-washing laser on everybody, someone might want to emulate your success.

Oh and most of all, have fun!