- Make sure you speak in a very soft voice — whisper even; people will pay more attention.
- Distract the audience with loud noises or pretend to slip and fall whenever you are not sure what to say.
- Mumble or speak much faster when you say things that are controversial, unfounded or simply wrong.
- Dress very provocatively or 4 sizes too small. This will give the audience something to look at when you try to remember where you are in your speech.
- Don’t be afraid to sound racist, sexist, arrogant or plain dumb. This will set you apart from the polished and professional speakers and make you seem edgy. And remember: swear words are your friends.
- Play background music very loud. People don’t have to hear every words you say.
- Make sure the print-outs of your speech don’t match your actual speech. This will force people to talk to you after the talk.
- Wear squeaky shoes — whimsical effects are always welcome.
- Accentuate the dramatic effect of your points with sound effects.
- Make sure to always exaggerate the numbers you say — whose going to fact-check your presentation anyway?
- Try changing your voice every 3 or 4 minutes to Yoda, Scooby Doo, Mr. T, Bill Cosby, Sponge Bob, etc. This will keep the audience alert and receptive.
- Don’t be afraid to make up words. People will think you are more knowledgeable than them.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
How good is your memory?
Would you be able to repeat to me, word for word, a conversation you had yesterday?
What about a conversation you had 4 months ago?
Now, what about one you had 35 years ago?
I don’t mean for you to give me a summary of it of the some of the topics discussed I mean every single words spoken during that conversation, in the right order, without forgetting a single one.
When you think the Bible is 100% correct, you have to believe that a conversation that happened anywhere from 35 to 70 years ago was recalled word for word and noted in what became the gospels. The earliest gospel (Mark) was written from 35 to 40 years after the latest events it relates, while the last gospel written )John was written a full 65 to 70 years after the events.
Do you think it’s plausible?
Pitfalls to avoid when becoming a Psychopathic Killer
- Eat before stalking your victims. A grumbly stomach can really mess up an good ambush.
- Watch what you eat before hiding in a house. Burping or farting when you hide behind the curtains do not project a serious image or conceal your location very well.
- Wear non-squeaky shoes. Even if you wear a creepy mask, people will not take you seriously if you squeak.
- Brush up on your self-defense skills. You career is not starting well if you get your ass kicked by a 13 year old girl on your first day.
- Go to the toilet before starting a killing spree. Being stuck in the bathroom for 25 minutes really breaks the mood.
- Get a GPS. Getting lost before even getting to your killing destination will not impress your killer pals.
- Make sure you drive something fear-inspiring, not a Smart Car or a minivan.
- Buy quality killing instruments. Nothing says amateur like a giant butcher knife that breaks as you wield it in the air.
- Think about what you’ll need before leaving the house. Bring gas for the chainsaw, extra rope, and clean underwear in case you have an accident.
- Watch for marbles on the floor, iron dangling from the ceiling, buckets of tar and kids who look like Macaulay Culkin.
- If you have a funny voice, don’t talk. Just growl or squeal. An awkward voice can make your victim burst into laughter not good for the ego on your first day.
- Research your victims. You don’t want to barge in the house of a 7-time boxing champion, a Navy SEAL or another psychopathic killer.
- Dress for the occasion: overalls and a creepy masks is fine; wearing only a thong, a bow tie and a top hat is not fine.
- No running with scissors. You could hurt yourself.
- Resist the temptation to tidy up a messy house before starting killing.
- Stretch before chasing someone with your heavy axe.
- You can bring creepy music to set the tone of the massacre. To be taken seriously, avoid music from the TV show “Benny Hill” or anything with a banjo.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. Bring pens if you’d like them to fill out a survey on your performance.
- Don’t be nervous. They are as much afraid of you as you are afraid of them.
- Be polite and courteous. Nobody likes a killer with poor manners.
- Most of all: be creative have fun with it.
GPS Rejected Personnas
You just can’t understand a word of what it says. “Turn right on 5th Avenue” sounds more like “tumveon fifvenu”.
Sometimes tell you to turn as you’re in the middle of the intersection or be unresponsive a 3 to 5 minutes; lost in its thoughts.
The Passive Aggressive
Might give you wrong directions or conveniently forget to tell you to turn if you don’t follow its direction. Can hold a grudge for weeks.
The Vulgar Uncle
You can’t use your GPS if the kids are in the car unless you download the Censor 2.0 module. Even then, all you hear is “beeeep turn left on that beeeep street, son of a beeeep!”
The Segway Narrator
Over explain so much you will miss most turns. “In 0.2 kilometer, turn…” “Did you know the etymology if the word kilometer is from ancient Greek and is composed of khilioi meaning “thousand and of metron meaning measure and that…”
The Volume Defier
Sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts like a madman.
The Dirty Pervert
Makes anything sound dirty with suggestive emphasis on some sounds or words. Perfect for frat boys or very lonely women. “Make a nice and tight left turn. Oh yeah, real tight.”
America’s Worst Cook – Extreme Edition
In this new TV cooking competition, amateurs contestants use unfamiliar and foreign ingredients to create magnificently awful dishes.
Points are awarded on the effect their food have on the judges.
Projectile Vomiting…….1 point
Nose Bleed………………….2 points
Color Change……………..3 points
Instant Epilepsy………….4 points
Temporary paralysis…..5 points
The blindfolded judges are not allowed to know the ingredients or to smell the dishes before tasting them.
The winner gets 1 year supply of squid suction cups, sheep stomachs and pig snouts. Yum!
What to do if you step into a horror movie?
- Be sure to have a keyless remote for your car. As the killer chases you in a parking lot, you won’t loose precious seconds fumbling to get your key in the door. You can unlock the door as you run, then go safely in your car.
- Never hide under the bed, in a closet or in the attic. The killers might have seen the movies too.
- Do NOT drop the knife after stabbing the killer. Stab him about 50 times, tie up his limbs to really heavy objects, then cast his head in concrete. He will not get up to chase you again.
- You hear a noise and notice if’s just a cat. Do a powerful back kick at groin level. The killer is always behind you.
- When you have a really slow walking immortal killer chasing you, DO NOT try outrun him. Instead, steal a bike, take the bus, then plane, something. Just get out really far to a different continent if possible.
- Bring a water gun full of vinegar. If you see a painting with a real hole that is a peephole for the maniac, give him a few squirts right in the eye…
- When you are chased by a knife swinging manic, think Home Alone… Grease and marbles are your friends.
- Try to figure out if you’re the hero or just an extra… Your fate depends on it.
- Carry a laser pointer with you. Immortal killers are not too bright and they can be easily distracted by that %$/%*@ red spot.
- If you go in a dark room and a creepy music starts, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY!
The Brown Side of the Moon
Geology of the Lunar Deposits
Modern Architecture in Dubai
Milk Jugs Galore
2011 Annual Report of the Dairy Industry
Tight Male-Male Connections
Manual of Electrical Connectors
History of Industrial Lubricants from 1920 to 1979
The 10 Commandments
We all know about the 10 Commandments, but what are their implications? How should they govern our lives?
The 10 Commandments were apparently given to Moses by God directly on stone tablets (again, since Moses broke the first set out of anger). Do we still have that ONLY document written directly by the creator of the universe? No. You would think that such document would be guarded by angels of doom or at least by a magical protection spell. But no we lost it, or God allowed for it to be lost.
We have to figure out which versions of the 10 Commandments we are taking about as there are 2 lists (Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5) and 3 versions (http://www.positiveatheism.org/crt/whichcom.htm). We also have to realize that there are not 10, but 613 commandments in the Torah (Old Testament for Christians).
If we take the list given in Exodus 20:1-17:
1. “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”
Loophole: It’s the god of the Jewish people. Might not be the god of the rest of humanity.
2. You shall have no other gods before[a] me
Loophole: Except for the other 2 Gods that Christian introduced later (Jesus and the Holy Spirit). That commandment can mean that we can have other gods, but that Yahweh has to be First God. It also means that other gods exist. If it meant to only have Yahweh and that other gods don’t exist, it would have said: “I am the only God that exist”.
3. “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
Meaning: This one is loaded.
God will punish you for not loving him.
He will also punish your kids and your grand-kids and maybe your great-grand-kids (they are not sure where it stops).
God has human feelings that you can hurt
God needs your undivided attention or he fill punish you.
God is jealous. he feels threatened by attention given to some other gods or some other objects.
4. “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.”
Loophole: Does not say what is “fair use”. Does it mean people who say “Oh my god” will go to hell?
5. “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.”
Comment: It does say in the Bible that the punishment for working on the Sabbath is death. Do you really have to kill people who work on the week-end or does the Bible is leaving it up to you?
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
Comment: It does not say HOW to honor our parents. Does it involve respect? Politeness? Animal sacrifices?
6. “You shall not murder.”
Loophole: Looking at the number of people who “support our troops”, this one could means “don’t kill, but it’s ok to encourage others to kill for us.”
7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
8. “You shall not steal.”
Loophole: Is it stealing when you take a picture or shoot a movie? What about scanning a photo or a book? Stealing means to deprive someone of something. When you make a copy of something while leaving the original there, you don’t deprive the person of something. So pirating movies, books, music, software and other digital content wouldn’t fall under that prohibition. The excuse that the law was giving 3000 year before the invention of digital media is not valid, since it,s supposed to have been given by the creator of the universe who can see in he future.
9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”
Loophole: This is against a very specific type of lie, not a prohibition against lies, misdirection, partial truth, propaganda, and other types of misrepresentation.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbors house. You shall not covet your neighbors wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor
Consequence: Our economy would collapse. The basis of our economy lies in the fact that we want to acquire things.
Loophole: Taken literally though, this commandment can apply only to what your neighbor has, not what total strangers from other countries have.
How does prayer work?
In Matthew 21:21-22, Jesus tells “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” without terms, conditions or any limitations”. I assume he was telling the truth, so… let’s pray!
Are all prayers processed simultaneously or are they put into a prayer buffer, ready to be answered on a first pray first served basis?
Does it increase the odds of a positive action if you pray to your own god, as opposed to another god?
Can I see an prayer efficiency chart to see what god, kind of prayer, time of day, location, exact wording and intentions have the most chances of being met with positive results?
Doe sit make a difference if you’re Christian and pray for Jesus, Holy Spirit, of God?
Do you increase the odds if you pray to all 3?
Is there a terms & condition I can see that shapes the modalities of prayers? Can I pray and receive money, health, fame, love, growth in various places, less hair, or world domination?
Does me prayer need to be in accordance with God’s plan for it to work?
Can I have a copy of God’s plan, to make sure I don,t waste my time paying for things I can’t get?
Can you differentiate between random occurrences and occasional positive results due to prayers?
Can you tell if the positive results are form your own prayer or from someone else praying for you?
Do you maximize the prayer power with a group of people all praying for the same thing?
Does it really mess things up when you have a random weird thought slap bang in the middle of a sincere prayer?
10 things to break the mood in bed
- Speak like Yoda or Scooby Doo.
- “You’re so sexy. You look like your mom!”
- Make your grocery list out loud.
- “I think I saw a cockroach in the bed!”
- During oral sex: “Ever wondered about cannibalism?”
- “You’re my number 100 this year! We have to celebrate this!”
- “I’m not sure I took my birth control pills. Oh well, you’ll know soon enough.”
- Ask him to triple-bag for his protection.
- “Don’t worry, I’m sure your parents can hear us.”
- “Can you keep your clothes on?”
5 Great battles you never heard of
1612 China: First and only battle using paper armour. Started great with this lightweight and easy to repair armour. Unfortunately, a heavy rain started…
1727 West Indies: Battle of the Spanish Armada against the Carib people of West Indies. Went downhill after the cannibal Carib people discovered the Spaniards tasted delicious.
1885 France: First and only use of sucrose resin as uniforms on the battlefield. The screaming soldiers trying to chase the bees away did not last long in front of the enemy, armed with melted marshmallows.
1923 Congo: First battle using toddler soldiers. The enemy countered by playing lullabies on loud speakers. The entire regiment went for a nap.
1941 Russia: The German Naturist Battalion was found frozen to death in Siberia, with frostbites on the 5 extremities.
God spoke to me…
When people say that God spoke to them, or that they were called by God to do something, what do they mean exactly?
- How did they know it was God speaking? Did God named himself? Could it be someone or something impersonating God?
- Was the person always alone when God spoke to them? If a loud voice came from the ceiling or the sky, surely someone else heard it too. If so, did the other person understand the same message?
- If the person was not alone in the room at the time but no one else heard the voice, how can the person be sure it was not a self-created voice inside their head, caused by a mental disorder?
- If the voice was not from inside their head, how could they tell it was from God and not from a prankster with a megaphone?
- Was the message always in a language the person could understand?
- Did they know the meaning of all the words spoken by God?
- How was the voice? Was it angry, detached, quiet, out of breath, menacing, or encouraging?
- Was the voice speaking with an accent?
- Was the voice male, female or something else?
- Was it the voice of a baby, a child, an adult, an old person, or something somehow ageless?
- Was it whispering, quiet, regular conversation level, loud or screaming?
- Was the message an order, advice, or information?
- Did God speak to them more than once? If so, was it the same voice with the same characteristics?
The Zen Channel
This new TV channel will be a nice complement to your meditation. Tired of confusing, fast-moving, action-packed shows? Come relax at the Zen Channel. Here are a few of our hit shows:
Snail Races: Enjoy the Snail Marathon in HD a 200 foot race that our peaceful competitors will finish in under 4 days! You’ll enjoy the extra slow-motion recaps.
Drying Paint: Watch our 4 hour episodes on paint drying on a variety of surfaces. Sometimes you can see drips slowly moving down!
Sleep Hard: Watch a variety of heavy sleepers thought their uneventful night
Gentle Nature: 4 hours of uninterrupted cameras fixed on a empty field, a rock, or the sky as the clouds are slowly passing by. A must for those who seek inner peace.
3 Great Poor Man’s Pools
The Nascar Pond
- Get a truckload of used tires from the dump.
- Get a few used tarps. Use duck take to stitch them together.
- Pile up the tires 4 feet tall and 3 rows deep to create the walls of the pool.
- Lay the tarps inside the wall and on the ground of the pool.
- Fill with water.
- Get everything out of your basement.
- Cover the walls and floor with taped garbage bags.
- Fill with water.
- Enjoy your new indoor pool!
The 6-Pack of Fun
- Get 6 plastic kiddie pools from the dump.
- Tape them together.
- Fill them with water.
- You can invite 7 friends to relax in your warm pools, providing they bring food and drinks.
Gettin’ freaky with the Cryptids & their friends
- Get oral from a vampire
- Chain yourself to a werewolf during full moon, covered in BBQ sauce
- Give BigFoot a Brazilian waxing
- Take a mermaid shopping for shoes
- Watch Nessy hump a plastic Nessy decoy
- Smoke a Mummy
10 ways to have fun at meetings Part 2
- Wear special pants with a vinyl liner full of Jell-O. Look at your colleagues faces when you move.
- Practice Tourette ventriloquism when a colleague is speaking.
- Insert a barely noticeable, very faded erotic background on some of the Powerpoint slides of the presenter.
- Use a realistic gel soft hand instead of your real hand (hidden in your long coat sleeve) when shaking hand before the meeting.
- Quote unknown German philosophers on completely non-related topics.
- Wear ridiculously tight dress pants and stuff the front of your underwear with a 3 pairs of socks. Watch if more guys than girls look at your crotch.
- Chant your comments and suggestions accompanied by a tambourine.
- Bring 8 starving homeless guys wearing a tie on top of their regular clothes, and watch the reaction of the business people as your guests dive for the free snacks.
- Absentmindedly flash a picture of your boss’ wife in your wallet as you reach for something else. Make sure 1 or 2 people see it. See how long until the info reaches your boss.
- Speak only in fake acronyms. Smile at people in a condescending way if they ask you questions about those acronyms.
7 things you don’t want to hear from your doctor
- Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.
- It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?
- The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.
- Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.
- Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.
- Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.
- Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.
What would it take?
If you believe in God, what would it take for you stop believing?
What would you need to learn or to see to make you realize there is no god, or at least, that the Christian, Jewish or Muslim god doesn’t exist?
Would you be able to justify unanswered prayers for your whole life? Would discovering that the Bible contain forged documents, altered texts, claim with no evidence and stories based on earlier texts outside your religion affect your faith at all?
If you don’t believe in God or at least in a personal god, what would it take for you to believe?
What would you need to learn or to see to be convinced that the God of the Bible is real?
Would you have to witness a miracle? Would you have to witness the positive results of a prayer for something specific and highly improbable that can’t be the result of luck or any other cause?
What if you discover evidence that God is real, but not beneficial or even evil? Would you still believe and worship that god?
What’s your legacy?
What kind of impact will your existence have on the history of mankind?
Will you bring anything new or better to this planet in your lifetime?
Will you make a difference in your own community? If so, what kind of difference?
Are you in peace with an existence that will only be remembered by the people you know?
If you do want to leave your mark, what will you do? Will you write a book that will influence millions of people? Will you invent something that will benefit improve the lives of many? Will you raise your children to be kind, decent people, so they in turn can create more decency?
How to conquer the world in 6 easy steps
This is my 200th post since I started this blog, about 4 years ago! Yeah!
As you can imagine, there are several ways to conquer the world.
Step 1: Define.
Define what is conquering the world means.. Does it mean militarily, religiously, artistically, ideologically, technologically, financially, or even with popularity as the most recognizable face or name.
Step 2: Plan.
Although going bezerk with a pellet gun has its appeal, you will unfortunately have to plan a lot to become master of the world.
In most cases, you will need to setup an army. This requires a lot of money, unless you can control your minions with fear (as a religious figure), brain-wave manipulation (as a technological evil genius), extremely compelling idea (potent ideology) or adoration (as an extremely popular model, writer, musician or actor). If you want to use ways other that truckload of money to control people, make sure your ideology or influence is compatible with world domination. If you sing about love and compassion, you won’t be able to ask your followers to invade a country, no matter how popular you are.
You will need to establish what kind of minions you want, promote your need for employment, stage auditions, and look at resumes. You might need help at that stage, as going through 20 millions resume might take the best part of your life.
You will need to generate enough money to buy equipment, weapons, lodging, food, bribes and staff salary. You will also need a way to transport your troops to the places you want to conquer. Unfortunately, you can’t conquer a country by e-mail, unless you’re a cyber-tyrant. Transport can be pretty expensive, mostly if you have over 500,000 troops. Think about gas, repairs and insurance. You also shouldn’t buy Smart Cars or Ford Focus, as they really don’t look serious on a battlefield and they don’t come in an armored version.
There are several ways to generate money but most are slow or uncertain. You can invest in high-risk ventures, marry someone very rich that is either very sick or very old. You can also invent something that will generate billions of dollars quickly, like a alternative to fossil fuel or a powerful aphrodisiac. Another way to get rich quick is through illegal channels, such as e-mail scams or hacking, but you might get caught real quick and lose your dreams of using humanity as your personal slaves.
You might want to join a public speaking class if you want to give enflamed speeches to glassy-eyed pre-minions that will transform you from a mild-mannered suburban person to an evil tyrant or galactic benefactor.
Step 3: Implement.
This is where the hard work and sweat comes in. You might need to quit school or your day job, as becoming the master of the world is a full time gig. You will need a very tight grip on all your minions you don’t want to have your Eastern Europe World Domination Campaign cancelled because they have soccer practice, there is something good on TV or because it’s raining, right?
You will have to seize control of the major Earth’s decisional points, such as the government of the richest / largest countries, the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Moss ad and the U.N. This might take some time and some hefty bribes. You will also have to gain control of all Earth major cities, which might be harder that it sounds. You will have to physically go to all those places, remove the local army / guerillas / rebel forces / police groups and install your own armies. Bring an atlas and a GPS. Getting lost in the Amazonian forest or the Siberian can sure mess up your plans. Also, pack a jacket and warm socks staying home because it’s too cold is not an option when you want to control a whole planet.
Step 4: Reinvent Yourself.
Once you gain control of Earth, you will need a title. Try to avoid anything common, like President, Prime-minister or Boss. Adding Supreme, Galactic or “of the Universe” to your title can really make you look cool.
You will also need to invest a new persona. Don’t stay plumber Mike from New Jersey or hairdresser Susan from Paris go wild! There is no limits to what people will believe if the propaganda is good. Invent a divine origin (like the Dear Leader of North Korea did), create a myth based on your imaginary feats and give yourself superpowers.
Step 5: Promote.
Keep promoting yourself! This step also cost a lot of money, which will not be a problem once you seize 75% of all income on Earth. While T-Shirts and posters are vaguely ok, think more along the lines of mandatory full-back tattoos with your face and tagline, rice fields images of you that are visible from space and cloud-shaping. This will keep you top-of-mind for your loyal subjects.
Step 6: Remain in power
This is a tough one. You have to block other people’s attempts at rebellion at all time. You might want to avoid publishing a book explaining in details how you conquered the world. Unless you are using a powerful brain-washing laser on everybody, someone might want to emulate your success.
Oh and most of all, have fun!
Does it bother you?
If you’re Christian, does it bother you that according to the actual word of God:
- You must stone your kids if they don’t listen to you (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)?
- You must stone all Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and everybody who doesn’t worship the same god as you including babies ((Deuteronomy 17:2-5))?
- You must stone everybody that is blaspheming that surely includes most interjections and swear words we commonly use (Leviticus 24:16)?
- You must stone everybody on Saturday including all Wal-Mart employees (Numbers 15:32-56)
Does it bother you that the Bible is so unclear and contradictory as to needs so much justification, interpretation, and extrapolation yet it’s supposed to have been written or at least inspired by the actual creator of the whole universe?
Does it bother you that the Bible describes things and a world like nothing nobody you know have ever experienced and totally different and contrary to what we can observe and measure?
- The Bible presents a cosmological view that is totally at odd with what we can observe with our telescope starts that can point to a single house, sun that can fall, metal firmament resting on pillars, water that falls trough windows in the sky, flat earth, an Earth that is only about 6000 years old, etc?
- The Bible is full of magic, exorcisms, zombies, talking animals and people who live more than 900 years long?
- The Bible present global events, such as a worldwide flood, where no trace can be found.
- The Bible presents a chronology totally different from what we can observe with radiometric dating and geological processes.
Does it bother you that the Bible is full of recorded dialogues that was impossible to record, such as what Adam said to Eve, what was said after a character dies, what Balaam’s donkey said or what the Devil said to God when betting on Job?
Does it bother you that Paul, who wrote half of the New Testament, said immensely important things (stop observing God’s law) in direct contradiction with Jesus (who is supposed to actually be part of God himself). Yet you believe and follow Paul!
If all none of those things bother you, then why not?
Expensive Premium Food
- Diet Water
- Boneless spaghetti
- Vegetal carrots
- Frozen Ice cream
- Pork bacon
- Vegetarian crackers
- Low fat cucumbers
- Natural eggs
God is energy
God is love
God is everywhere
God is invisible
God has unlimited superpowers
God is 3 people in 1, including a father & son duo, plus another immaterial spirit
BUT God created people in his own image
The ones with different skin colour or gender?
The ones who are deformed or handicapped?
The ones who are sick?
The ones who lost limbs and can’t grow them back?
The ones with a skeleton, internal organs and visible skin?
The ones who need to eat and drink to stay alive?
The ones who need to reproduce the old-fashion way?
The ones who are not invisible?
The ones who are not everywhere at once?
The ones who don’t know everything about the past, present and future?
The ones without unlimited superpowers?
He create THOSE people in his image?
Lesser-know medical conditions
Condition in which person has a urgent need to share every mundane detail of his or her life with the entire world via Facebook or Twitter, such as their exact time of arrival to their house, the content of their breakfast or details of the phone conversations. Victims of this conditions frequently suffer from Chain-Letter Syndrome and Semi-humorous Email LOL Reposting.
SMBC (Slow morning brain condition)
Affliction characterized by a brain that is exceedingly slow to start in the morning. Possible cure: headphones with nighttime stimulus such as quantic mechanic lectures, advance thermodynamic calculus or differential equations applied to gardening.
SAC (Self-awareness Challenged)
Disability resulting in the lack of self-awareness expressed in poor clothing choices, audible flatulence, below average personal hygiene, and less than intelligent remarks.
How to throw a great pillow fight
Here are a few pointers to maximize your pillow fight experience:
First off, let’s be clear: no bricks, stones or broken glass in the pillow cases. Liquids are also frowned upon in the competitive pillow fight circles. Feathers or soft foam is preferable, but memory foam might be too hard for a fun and jovial session.
Use regular size pillows, not the oversized novelty giant pillow that can fit a pick-up truck.
Pillow swinging should be done by hands. Using a catapult or a high-speed cannon to throw the pillows is both unethical and potentially dangerous. It’s also quite unorthodox to hire members or the Olympic Hammer Throw.
You should not target nose, glasses or groin on purpose, except when wearing an inflatable sumo suit and a football helmet.
Coating your feather-filled pillow with concrete will NOT help you make friends. They will definitively not invite you for their next pillow fight.
Participant should smile, laugh and try to have a good time. Do not invite your mortal enemies or members of the Violent Psychopaths League.
Rejected CareBears Competition
Squeeze him and see the rancid sweat coming out of him! Your kids will love him!
This one-of-a kind night cuddler alternates between smells of garbage juice, fresh skunk and rotten eggs.
Complete with throat noises and broccoli-flavored dejection!
Hours of pleasure popping this cuddly bear’s humorous non-toxic strawberry-flavored zits!
Fill this adorable bear with the included kid-friendly beer and hear (and smell) him belch like a pro!
Top 10 signs you shouldn’t be dating that person
- She’s physically abused by her imaginary friends.
- Both her parents are mentally-unstable proctologists.
- He’s a cult leader and lives in a armed desert compound.
- His family members have more guns than teeth.
- You see most of her family on the FBI Terror Watch.
- He arranged your first date in a slaughterhouse — and he doesn’t work there.
- You saw fingernails marks on his door and blood splatter on his curtains.
- She constantly yelling and barking at people you can’t see.
- He think he’s a vampire that sparkles in the sunlight.
- You met her online in a violent psychopath forum.
New Exciting Restaurants!
Nuts & Bolts
As the names suggests, the menu consist entirely of an assortment of nuts and bolts. Customers can choose between the finest cashews, hazelnuts, almonds and pecans, as well as carriage, stove, lag and hanger bolts. As we all know, nuts are a great source of protein while bolts are a top-notch source of iron. You can top it off with a selection of fine sauces if you find the bolts too dry.
The DYOF (Do Your Own Food)
In this trendy concept-restaurant, you grow your own food (plant, harvest, prepare, cook and serve), prepare your own meat from scratch (raise your own cattle, slaughter it, prepare it, then cook it). The restaurant provides the power tools and napkins.
At this new and exciting restaurant, you eat in a large fish tank. The salt water tends to change the taste of what you eat, which makes for interesting surprises. Although eating and breathing is tricky at first, you’ll find the near-drowning sensation very invigorating. Avoid ordering crackers.
Am I spiritual?
I don’t believe in the supernatural.
I don’t believe in any gods or any other magical creatures.
I don’t believe in aura, chakras, rebirthing or astral trips.
I don’t believe in astrology, homeopathy or prophecy.
I believe we are all connected though our elements, genetic make up, evolution and our environment, even animals and plants.
I have a deep appreciation for the complexity, symmetries, randomness or the fractal aspect of the natural world.
I admire the immensity of knowledge I don’t yet possess.
I am aware of my place in the natural world, as part of an animal kingdom and that I share a common ancestor with monkeys.
I contemplate my physical limitations and know there is much I cannot perceive directly, such as all of the electromagnetic spectrum outside visible light.
I can feel being on top of a small ball in space when I look at a clear summer starry night sky.
Am I spiritual?
The perfect Food fight
Here are a few pointers to maximize your food fight experience:
Avoid frozen items: a frozen turkey will hurt, but even frozen beef patties are bound to do some damage.
Use light projectile preferably. A good size apple can hurt, but less than a large watermelon or a pumpkin.
Avoid white or beige food, unless the participants are all wearing colorful clothes. Beets, tomatoes and pea soup are great for color.
Flour and honey should be used as a coating and sticking agents.
Avoid moldy or rancid elements. No one wants to be sick while their face is covered in honey, unless that is the theme of the evening of course.
Viscosity / Dryness
Prefer anything sticky (humus, tahini) rather than dry (like raisins or almonds).
Avoid the nostrils, ears or eyes. If naked, avoid the tender areas.
Throw food lightly and playfully. Using a mortar or a catapult could damage other players.
While naked food fights are fun, safety is important. Always wear goggles and at least a thong.
Avoid anything boiling hot, mostly if naked. Freezing cold is not good, but it’s better than boiling hot.
Food fights are best when you don’t have to worry about damaging your $19,000 Persian rug or your $2,500 Armani suit. A large tarp is useful if the food fight is in your living room.
What to Avoid Throwing
Avoid anything venomous (certain snakes, scorpions, electric eels and some jelly fish)
Great Ammo for a Food Fight
Eggs, ketchup, mustard, feathers (not usually food for still great), flour, honey, tomatoes, pea soup, lasagna, fettucini Alfredo, tapioca, humus, oatmeal.
Things you don’t want to hear
“By the way, you’re adopted. Have a great month at camp sweetie!”
“You didn’t just drink the warm toilet cleaner I put in your coffee mug, did you?”
“The operation went well, except for the folding chair we forgot in your abdomen”
“Hi honey! Sorry to call you while you’re driving on the highway, but I forgot to tell you that the car has no brakes at all”
“The stomach pains you’ve been having are caused by a colony of tapeworms. You have almost no organs left.”
- I am horny, therefore my wife doesn’t have a headache.
- I am hungry, therefore there is food in the fridge.
- I have a coat, therefore it is cold.
- I don’t see trolls, therefore my anti-troll bracelet is working
- The more diluted a substance is, the more powerful it is. (actual homeopathy principle)
How to create a new alternative therapy
- Pick a vague, unquantifiable state that everybody experiences once in a while, like a lack of energy or a higher level of stress. You can also pick something people strive for, like balance. Make sure the symptoms are subjective to how the person feels that day and their ever changing environment.
- Pick a therapy that sounds like it could heal, based on something your potential customers already believe in, like energy, chakras, crystals, angels, detoxification or visualization. You can combine several concepts together. An explanation on the mechanism of the healing technique is never required; you’ll never have to explain how it works.
- Never discuss active ingredients as the therapies can work in mysterious ways. If your products uses extremely high dissolution, modern electronic instruments might be too blunt to measure traces of it. Don’t worry about proving how it work; just says it does because people tell you it does.
- Never give a specific timeframe for the therapy to work. Remember, a good placebo treatment can take time to show some effect.
- Never quantify the benefits with testable claims, like “it will enable you to run 3.5 times faster”, “work 36 hours straight without fatigue” or “will remove 75% of pre-cancerous cells”.
- List other benefits of the therapy. The longer the list of benefits, the wide the net you cast to catch potential customers.
- Use proper vocabulary to convey an impression of knowledge. Use words like holistic, transcending, cleansing or detoxification.
- You can mix physical healing techniques with spiritual, animal or even divination techniques, as your clientele will not be suspicious of that reality boundary-crossing.
- Start a certification program; it will add credibility to your products or techniques.
- Once you have momentum, start a whole school (even if the school in question is in your 2-bedroom apartment) to add even more credibility.
- Create week-end retreats. This will generate important volume of cash-flow for your business. It will also provide customers for any of your other products or techniques.
- Collects testimonials. Those are crucial and will serve as results, as no double-blind studies will be made on “Angel Crystal Past-Life Regression Therapy”. Ever. Don’t worry, testimonials can have fake names, edited content, inflated results as no one ever check on them. You can make up your own as everybody does. Don’t worry if most people don’t experience any positive or negative effects. Base your repeat business on people who happened to feel better in the same timeframe as when they were following your therapy. Those will count as positives for you.
Not a good sign
- Your date finds your intestinal parasite much more charming than you.
- Your parents like your imaginary friend better than they like you.
- Your boss has a better relationship with outsourced tech support person #1232 from Bombay than with you.
- You apply for a modeling job and they hire you as the before shot.
- You drop your son at the daycare and the other kids run and scream when they see you.
- Your cat cuddles with the scratch post and scratches you.
- Your Parkinson is so bad that you appear blurry.
- Your Tourette Syndrome is so bad people are surprised when you don’t swear.
- Your weight gain is so out of control you have to hurry out of the elevator not to get stuck.
- Your body noises are so loud people frequently ask you to speak louder.
Things NOT to think about in sports
“I can really drown if I swallow water a couple of times!”
“Look at the size of that guy! This is going to hurt so much. Every punch will make me dizzier and closer to crying.”
“Oh no, here comes the spin again… really should NOT have eaten that large pizza… I’ll make a vomit ring on the ice like last week.”
“I can feel the burger coming up. Every step on that pavement makes it go higher, and higher…”
“That’s sooooo high! My knees are going to bust when I land…”
“I’ll those beans and cabbage right before the match. What was I thinking?”
“Oh my god, one bump and I’ll loose my face!”
“Even if I clear the bar, I can really get impaled on that pole”
“This car will my tomb… This car will my tomb…”
“Wow, That’s huge! I bet I’ll snap my elbows right off.”
Our ancestors were very supersticious. They lived in an age before science, before electricity, and before printed books.
- The night was very dark before the invention of electrical lights.
- Big animals were a real threat before the invention of firearms.
- Countries were terribly far apart before the invention of cars and trains; populations were more isolated.
- Natural elements were scary before people understood what they were.
- Knowledge was mostly passed on orally before the invention of the printed books. Even then, very few people knew how to read.
- There were long delays between the facts and the report, with distortion due to the oral mode of transmission.
- There were no photos or videos to document an event.
- There was little ways to check facts before books and the Internet, as people had to rely on memory.
What they had was stories and their imagination.
Can you blame them for being superstitious to the core?
Now that we have access to:
- knowledge through books and Internet
- basic understanding of our physical world
- critical thinking derived from higher education level
- remote location with webcams, tv, and fast modes of transportation
- photos and videos to document events
Now, you would think people would be a lot more sceptic al of magical claims. Still, a large portion of the population think the same way our ancestors did…
Minor Superheroes, Part 3
Has the power to smell like bacon.
Can shrink his head by up to 1%.
He is totally invisible, except for his skin and eyeballs…
Has the ability to communicate with senior gay ants.
Can fidget fast enough to create a small buzzing sound.
Mr. Anemia (also known as Edward the Biteless)
Has the ability to become paler and very fatigued on command.
The Amazing Caller
Can replicate the call of the slug, the Monarch butterfly and the centipede with an uncanny accuracy.
Bernard The Human Gazelle
Bernard can run a full 3% faster than the average untrained human being and leap further by an astonishing 7%!
Mme Zelda, The ClairVoyeur
With her magical crystal ball, she can peek into any showers, providing they are empty.
Famous Last Words, part 2
- What string do I pull to open this parachute?
- My friends will think I’m a hero for skateboarding down that roof!
- I should’ve known that the bacon suit was a bad idea in the jungle! ahhhh!
- Hey buddy, your gang tattoo looks ri-di-cu-lous!
- Let’s see what cool superpower I’ll get by jumping into that drum of toxic water!
- I’m soooo tired! I’ll just get a nap on the beach before the tide rises…
- Don’t worry, I don’t think those are shark fins…
- Let me drive your plane! If you can do it, so can I.
- … and then you poke the panther like that…
- Mr. Cannibal, why are you putting BBQ sauce on me?
Who would you listen to?
I have to create a website for an important client. He gave me lengthy instructions on what he needs the website to do, the target audience, the logo, etc.
Then he left on a long business trip, with no access to phone or e-mail.
While I was starting to work on that project, my neighbor Bob, who never met my client, dropped by and told that my client telepathically gave him a brand new direction on this website.
He instructed me to change so many things about the project that it was now a totally different project. He even told me my client asked to change the name of his company! Bob, while praising my client constantly, kept insisting that the new instructions are the ones I should use. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his instructions contradict my client’s instructions.
Should I listen to my neighbor or to my client?
The answer should be pretty obvious.
In the Bible, Paul The Apostle (also known as Saint Paul or Saul of Tarsus author of 13 of the 27 books of the New testament) claims to have received instruction form a vision. He never claims to have met the historical Jesus at all. Yet, all Christians listen to Paul’s instructions, which contradict Jesus’ instructions on all important points. Jesus was supposed to be God, or at least one of the 3 parts of God.
In his letters, Paul tells people NOT to stop obeying the Jewish law (including circumcision, dietary laws, sacrificial laws, etc), while Jesus said to obey every part of it. In the Bible, Jesus was saying to people to be even more Jewish than they were!
Should Christians listen to Jesus or Paul?
The New Christmas Reality
Santa used to be happy, athletic and resourceful.
He is still somewhat magical, but now he is an crippled old man, his back paralyzed with arthritis from climbing in tight chimneys for years. He is partially blind from looking at bright lights for the past century. His Alzheimer makes it very difficult to remember where to deliver the present. 3 years ago, he forgot his list on his way to deliver presents to India and had to go to a local Internet cafe in Bombay to get a copy of his list by fax.
He had to deal with globalization, employee strikes, industrial sabotage, computer hacking, and increased homeland security legislation. He was mislabeled a terrorist by the American government, following his repeated breaking and entering of the Pentagon, the White House and multiple army bases. His lawyers had to enter a secret plea bargain for his release. The breaking point happened when his trade secrets were made public on Wikileaks early last year.
The increased in air traffic made it increasingly difficult for sleigh travelling. Santa had to dodge ballistic missiles several times and went down in flames in 1988 after a reindeer was shot dead over Croatia in mid-flight. The Elf Task Force had a hard time to clean the wreckage and find all the presents many of them gone after the looting. Christmas had to be delayed 12 hours that year.
Santa’s manufacturing is now outsourced to China. The quality is shoddy; some products are toxic, but this is the price to pay to compete in the global market.
The elves, once powerful and useful, have almost all been layed off. Binge drinking, drug use, gambling and prostitution is now afflicting the elf population of the North Pole. Rival gangs formed to control the market of BlindFun, a powerful hallucinogenic drug made of Egg Nog and windshield washed fluid.
Misses Claus, after being diagnosed with lung cancer due to her chain smoking, left Santa after she caught him cheating with a male elf. Santa’s lewd behavior has been going on for years, but in the past few years, it has been out-of-control. She had enough.
Santa drinks himself to sleep every night, reminiscing about his past glory. There used to be magic.
Cannibal Love Poem
Your hair, like angel pasta.
Your alabaster skin, glistening with sauce.
Your toes, aching to be dipped.
Your breasts, sublime and filling.
You fulfill me with your flesh;
Appetize me on crackers;
Tease me in a sorbet;
Satisfy me for dinner.
I am saddened by this heavenly consumption,
as you will be no more to satiate my hunger.
I wish there was more of you…
Do you have a sister?
What if the Bible/Qur’an world were true?
What would you expect to see if the world described in the Bible and the Qur’an were true?
- First of all, you’d see magic. Lots of it.
- You’d hear about people with some fantastic powers, like a guy defeating a whole army using only a jawbone. You’d see also see prophets doing real magic, like transforming a stick into a snake.
- Once in a while, you’d hear some animals such as snakes, donkeys or ants, talking in a language you can understand and using correct grammar.
- You’d encounter some supernatural being on a daily basis.
- You’d witness people being miraculously cured or being brought back from the dead. You might also see zombies once in a while.
- Many people would hear a booming voice form the sky, or from a cloud, or fire.
- You might even see some stranger things such as fiery serpents coming from the sky or a flying chariot.
Is that fantastic and magical world part of your day to day life? Did anybody you know ever encounter any of this while NOT on drugs? Why not?
Famous Characters Thoughts
As Genghis Khan was running into battle screaming, he thought:
” I really shouldn’t have eaten all those prunes for breakfast”
Napoleon Bonaparte though, looking at his army:
“I’m almost 5’7″ and taller than the average Frenchman… I’ll be remembered as a tall great general no doubt”
Taking his first steps on the Moon, Neil Armstrong thought:
“Can’t believe how uncomfortable that new thong is!”
Julius Caesar thought, while looking at his powerful empire:
” If only I could grow a moustache, I’d die a happy man”.
Premium Exotic Destinations
Looking for a very quiet area?
Try the Sea of tranquility, Moon
- Huge backyard
- Closest neighbors are 384,403 km (238,857 miles) away
- No atmosphere also means no sound totally quiet and restful
- No atmosphere also means no wind, no storms, and no air pollution!
- Pristine night sky
- No traffic
- Low gravity makes it great place for golfing
Looking for the best windsurfing destination?
The constant winds on Neptune blow at more than 2000 km/h (1200 miles/hour)
Looking for a great tanning destination?
Look no further than our Mercury resort, with temperature ranging from a balmy 427°C (800°F) to a refreshing -184°C (-300°F) to cool you off.
Tired of summer?
Visit our winter resort on Pluto, where the average temperature is -236°C (-393°F).
As a bonus, a 200 lbs person will only weigh 16 lbs on Pluto!
Geo-Helio-synchronous Temporal Personal Device Watch
Thermal Wave-based Transference Device Microwave
Epidermal Helio-Photo Shield Sunscreen
Analog Fiber-based Knowledge Repository Book
Tactile Soundwave Manipulator Piano
Avian Necro Cryo Protein Intake System Frozen Chicken
Diameter-adjustable Abdominal Retaining Device Belt
Human to Human Knowledge Transference System School
12 Books Too Hot for Bookstores
- 1200 Ways to Make Love to a Melon
- How to Expose Yourself on National TV
- 101 Ways to Get Wild at a Funeral
- Teaser Sex: Using the Electric Thunder Down Under
- How to Get Prostitutes for Free
- Viagra & Redbull: The Silent & Fun Killer
- Great-Grannies Gone Wild
- When No Means (sort of) Yes
- Fun With Toasters & Tubs
- Tigers, Lions & Bears: Oh My! Using Dangerous Wildlife for your Pleasure
- Sex with Cobras A Step by Step Guide
- Sex in the Sky 34 Seconds of Amazing Sex Without a Parachute!
10 Great Books for Gullible People
- Building Wealth by Wearing Yellow
- Become Rich in 2 days by Sending Us Money
- How to Bypass the Corporate Ladder by Using a Hidden Camera
- Create a Successful Business Using Dead Flies
- How to Impress Your Boss with Amazing World-Changing Ideas
- Get Rich By Investing in Nigerian Email Projects
- Selling Your Organs as a Safe Long-Term Investment
- How to Meet your Soul Mate by Pretending to be a Prostitute
- Become a Famous Filmmaker Using a Intra-Nasal Camera
- Make Friends by Only Wearing a Winning Smile
More Minor Superheroes
Mr. Tight Pants
Has the ability to make his pants tighter than anyone else on the planet.
While he has an amazing name, Red Thunder’s only power is to give himself nose bleeds and red cheeks.
Middle-age man who sports gray pants, beige shirt, a brown watch and black shoes. He has an average grasp of colloquial expressions and a forgetable hairdo.
Wears a leather G-string and has a slightly sticky skin, which can be kind of useful in an office setting if people run out of Post-It notes.
A guy who walks slowly.
The Amazing Tornado
A girl who is usually dizzy.
A teenager in a white jeans outfit, who always counts her steps.
A pretty quiet fair-skinned guy.
An overweight guy in sweat pants who often mixes irony with sarcasm.
Group of almost irritating villains that include Jeff the 5’10 giant, Bob the 5’9 dwarf, Hariet the single-jointed non-contortionist and Steve the 185 pound sumo.
How Smart are your Things?
One of the most overused concept and name, beside “green” is “smart”. Is the “smart” trend only a new marketing trick? Just how smart are the products having “smart” in their name?
That one is a bit misleading, since the name means “Swatch Mercedes ART”. It’s very smart if you consider fuel consumption and ease of parking less smart is feeling of panic you have when driving between 2 tractor-trailers on the highway at 110lm/m on a windy day.
It stands for a phone that has more communication or productivity features, such as web browsing, music, camera, email, text message, etc. It does allow us to bring part of the desktop computing experience on the road. Unfortunately, the only part it does not enhance at all is actually the most basic function: phoning.
Introduced this year by our electricity distributors, it is marketed as a new way to reduce our electricity cost. It’s actually a new way to force us to change our habits by using electricity in pre-determined time-slots (night-time and week-ends) while paying ever more for the service.
This is a bomb that has fins, sensors and a computer. It can steer to hit the target more precisely. In theory, it allows to drop less bombs to hit a specific target. Looks like a slightly less messy way to kill tons of people.
If the Bible is either written by God or at least inspired by God, then the information included in the book must be true. If the information is a quote from Jesus, who is supposed to be an avatar of God himself, then we can safely assume that it’s even more reliable.
All 4 gospels in the New Testament report Jesus saying something like “Ask and you shall receive” (Mark 11:24-25, Matthew 21:21-22, Luke 11:9-13, John 14:13-14). The offer is quite clear; there is no legal proviso, no terms and conditions, no limitations presented as long as you have faith.
So, one who believes God wrote or inspired the Bible would be tempted to believe these words. A Christian would be well justified to expect a reply or a fulfillment to his or her prayer.
Obviously, all Christians should:
- be healthy
- have super strength
- live forever
- have superpowers
- look amazing
- have sex with supermodels all the time
- have extra good luck in all
- win the lottery every week, making them billionaires
- make a real difference in the world
- have friends and family with the same luck
If not, then maybe the “Ask and you shall receive” is not entirely true. You mean, there is an untruth in the Bible? How can it be? After all, it was either written, whispered, inspired or endorsed by the creator of the universe!
Evaluating Magical Claims
How do you evaluate magical claims? How can you tell that something totally unsubstantiated is more likely than something else, which is equally unsubstantiated?
Here are 5 ways people evaluate pseudo-science or magical therapies:
- Antiquity of the method. It’s the idea that if something has been around for a long time, then it must be valid or at least have some merit, like homeopathy or acupuncture.
- Authority of the anecdotal source or celebrity endorsement. The Secret was featured on Oprah, making it credible in the eyes of million of people.
- Appeal of the internal logic. The idea here is that as long as the method is consistent with the belief system it lays on, many people will not question the validity of the premise. For example: Angel Therapy is a form of new age healing through guidance from angels. It makes sense that since angels have superpowers and are benevolent, they might help you get better. if you substitute “angel” with other equally fictional characters, like leprechaun, unicorn or the wizard Merlin, the method looses a bit of its charm. Just like angels, those other 3 characters are described at lengths in many books, have been around for along time, might be benevolent and all have some superpowers.
- Perceived power of the method. Angels seem to have more power than pink bunnies, so Angel Therapy sounds better than Pink Bunny Therapy.
- Appeal of the claims. It really doesn’t matter if most or all claims are totally unfounded. If your glossy brochure claims that your method gets rid of migraines, club foot, leprosy and irritable bowels, some people will try it.
If your friend tried Psychic Chromatic Left-brain Biofeedback and got rid of her cold, are you going to stop buying DayQuil and rush to the psychic next time you have a cold?
Horrible Ideas for Clothes
- Cactus underwear
- Formal g-string
- Marble top hat
- Live-rats-in-a-cage jumpsuit
- Ice dress
- Magnetized shirt
- Acupuncture shoes
- Hornymeter tie
- Earth-worm-skin pants
- Coal-heated winter jacket
- A germaphobe zombie
- An hemoglobin-intolerant vampire *
- A bald Sasquatch
- A mermaid who can’t swim
- A flying-horse who’s afraid of heights
- An arachnophobic spiderlady
- The ghost of a steamroller victim
- A mute werewolf
- A claustrophobic mummys
- A shy anemic guy with big hair, who sparkles in the sun and climb trees
* Credit to my son for that awesome idea.
I’m NOT an expert in…
- Reverse rhinoplasty
- Zoocryoaromatherapy (healing by the smell of frozen meat)
- Underwater backgammon
- Human taxidermy
- Hit and run frontal lobotomies
- The mating habits of mythical creatures
- Diction coaching for loose-jaw porn actresses
- High altitude blindfolded flying trapeze
- Grizzly bear hand-to-hand combat
- 600lbs marble balls juggling
Fugly Wobbly was a bear
Fugly Wobbly had no hair
Fugly Wobbly loves his scotch
Fugly Wobbly grinds his crotch
Fugly Wobbly is no beauty
Fugly Wobbly is rather drooly
Fugly Wobbly falls assleep
Fugly Wobbly is quite a creep
20 Jobs Parents Do
- Role Model
- Supply Manager
- Financial Provider
- Financial Planner
- Santa Claus
- Tooth Fairy
Those Trendy Words
Often used in a ParisHilton-ish way to emphasize a quality, as in: OMG, this colonoscopy tube was über deep!
Suffix added to a noun to add a sexy and playful quality, like in the new IRS taxlicious, the gynecologist’s papsmearolilious, or atomic bombilicious.
Prefix used to make the customer think they are buying something special with extra features for a premium price, such as the Smart-Laxative or Smart-Door Stopper.
Prefix giving a sense of excitement and danger, like in Xtreme-Stamp Collecting, Xtreme-Accounting, and Extreme Rollerblade Roof Racing.
Gives the impression the product is beneficial for the environment, no matter how insignificant the advantage really is, as in Green-Tar, Green-Cigar and the Green Giant.
Battle of the Champions
Vlad “The Empaler” Romanoff, 8-time World “Unprovoked Savage Attack” Champion
Benjamin “Shadow Mover” Finckelstein, 5 times Sudoku World Champion
Craig Hornez, Undefeated Bare Knuckles Skull Crushing Champion
Timmy lester, 4 times “Huge Antique Bicycle Riding” General’s Cup Regional Champion
Roberto “Slicer” Rodrigez, 2001-2010 Intercontinental Machete Champion
3 times Gold medalist, 100m Olympic Sprinter
Thorgal Swensson, Scandinavian Axe Throwing Champion
Martha DuPont, 2002 Ohio Cupcake Face-off Winner
Phil Alan Guthrie, Sentenced to 210 life terms for 53 homicides
Theodore “The Widow Maker” Statham, Senior Tax Collector, IRS
Not that impressive…
- A 68 year-old men that is pretty mature for his age.
- A fairly tall giant.
- A politician that is not straightforward.
- A big sumo.
- A lazy cat.
- A hyper-active Chihuahua.
- A crack addict that is not reliable.
- A cult-leader that is slightly creepy.
- A monster truck announcer that is shouting.
- A pretty accurate watchmaker.
New Lifestyle Books
- Senior Prevention: Lures & Traps to Get Rid of Your Seniors
- Modern Medicine: How Amulets, Charms and Incantations Can Replace Doctors
- Financial Forecasting Using Dreams, Oracles and Prophecies
- Auto-Surgery for Dummies
- Faith-based Education: Make Fear and Stoning Work for You!
- Cooking Humans: 150 Great Recipes for the Holidays
- The No-Limit Diet: Loose Muscle Weight by Eating AS MUCH Junk as you Want!
- How to Convert Your Basement into a Dungeon in 3 Days
- 12 Creative Ways to Hide a Body in Your House
- How to Create Accidents and Never Get Caught
Glossolalia is the technical term for “Speaking In Tongues”. It can be seen in Christian Pentecostal churches, in some shamanic and voodoo rituals as well as on Youtube.
It is written in the Bible that people will be able to speak in tongues (Mark 16:17, Acts 2:4, Acts 10:46, 1 Corinthians 13:1). I have a few questions about it though:
Is there a way to tell the difference between someone speaking in real tongue and, say, someone making the stuff up as he or she goes?
I can pretend to speak Chinese, Russian and German on the spot. Does it count?
I would be more impressed by someone who converts to Christianity, then starts to speak fluent upper-class Sumerian than by someone who sounds like a drunken babbling buffoon who pretends to speak the language of the angels. Really.
I will now write in tongues for you. Ready?
“Lalana Optepth Ismaereit gahna ourah smill! Oura Karh delo pseir ricr.”
Was it the angels speaking through me or was I just making it up? How do you know?
A different kind of love…
I never met my father. He never writes or calls me. He was not even there when I was born.
My neighbors keep saying that my father loves me, although they never met him either.
I read that if I obey what people say he wants, he will reward me by moving in with him at some point and finally meeting him.
If I don’t obey, some of his helpers will bring me in the basement of his mansion and torture me forever.
I apparently have a choice: obey or be tortured forever.
The catch is that I can never have a straight and simple answer on what it means to obey my father. The book people say was written or dictated by my father has 613 rules. Some rules forbid me to have bad thoughts to any degree; some other pertain to not mixing some types of fabrics. Some people say it has 10 main rules, which I see people break all the time.
According to my father’s book, if I break some of those rules, my neighbors have to kill me.
Those rules don’t mention that I have to be 18 to be killed. This means a baby who break some of those rules has to be killed too.
What kind of father would torture his children or order people to kill them if they break even the silliest of rules?
I must be a different kind of father because I never thought about stoning or torturing my children…
Hordes of nice barbarians
The Smilites were Norse barbarians who invaded Europe in the 3rd century AD.
Contrary to other hordes of barbarians, the Smilites were polite, well kept and very helpful to the local populations. They were known to repaint houses, maintain gardens, babysit children, groom pets and renovate public buildings. They also had great signing voices and were able to knit at an incredible speed.
A few weeks after they had invaded a town, the streets were spotless, people were happier and their children had more toys.
Unfortunately, history remembers only the bad barbarians…
Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) always placed human life separate from other life on Earth.
When we look at how humans are made, it is obvious we are not separate at all from other lifeforms nor we are separate from the planet we live in.
99% of the mass of the human body is made up of just six elements: Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and Phosphorus. The rest is composed of elements such as Potassium, Sulfur and Sodium. We can find all the elements we’re made of in our environment, here on Earth.
All those elements are held together by the same atomic forces we see in the rest of the physical world.
Our physiology, chemistry and even behavior is consistent with the other animal lifeforms on Earth. We have the same skeletal, digestive, muscular, cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive system as apes, for example. Most of our DNA is the same as most other animal species on Earth.
If we would have been magically created fully formed, we could expect to function under unique principles. Why would we need organs to convert food into energy? Why would we have vestigial organs? Why would we need neurons to think and memorize things? If we came from the realm of magic, why can’t we see a single trace of magic around us?
To realize that we are part of the natural world on all levels can actually be quite comforting. It confirms that we do belong right here, on Earth.
Secret to Bad Movies Discovered
Why do US blockbuster movies seem so bad these days?
Our team of 20,001 seasoned investigative journalists uncovered the reason: they are written automatically by a software.
ScriptMaster 5000 Pro combines words to create a master idea, picks a setting in random, with more weight given to popular landmarks in the United States, such as Time Square and Madison Square Garden. By randomly combining plot elements from older movies and headlines of the past year of popular newspaper, the software then develops the intrigue. It makes sure it has the proper dosage of cliche comedic scenes, non-lethal car chases, and superficial drama.
When the actors are picked using a auto-casting popularity algorithm, it then generates the poster using the 2 main characters, sends it to the printer and to all affiliate movie theaters though the automated distribution agent.
As an employer, did you ever wish to stack more workers per cubic foot?
As a circus manager, did you ever want to fit even more clowns into a clown car?
As a bus driver, did you ever wish to triple the number of passengers?
Now we have a solution to those dire needs!
Introducing DelQuirk’s Ultra-Portable People. By safely collapsing bones, neatly folding muscles, removing most of the fat tissues and dehydrating most of the rest, we can now reduce people’s body’s volume by up to 72%!
Best of all, their physical appearance will stay somewhat similar to what it was before the procedure! They will just be smaller!
Now also available: foldable dehydrated pets! Just add water!
Age of the Earth
Young Earth Creationists are convinced the earth is thhhooooousands of years old, while we, BSNES (Brand Spankin’ New Earth Society), are convinced without a shadow of a doubt, that the earth is 171 years old.
Young Earth Creationists rely on blind faith to skew their judgement of the evidence based on their religious views. They also apply mental gymnastics to bend the data over backward to fit their vision.
We, on the other hand, base our knowledge on evidence alone, not on religious or philosophical biases.
Time to put on our BSNES glasses and interpret the evidence:
- The older person who lived (from evidence of birth record) was Jeanne Calment, who died at 122 in 1997. Her mom had her at around 20 years old. So, 137 years + 20 years = 157 years. This means the earth is at least 167 years old.
- Our experts have looked at Internet reproductions of several “fossils”, “artefact” and “ancient art”. They conquer that those are fakes created, possibly by Young Earth Creationists, to discredit the Truth.
- There are no photographs, audio recordings or videos older than 171 years. The first photograph was taken in 1839.
- No humans can remember a time before they were around 2 years old. So when people talk about the earth being formed thhhooooousands of years ago., ask them: “Were you there?”
- Radiometric data from our lab clearly demonstrates that plastic forks, TVs, and even houses in our town were created only a few decades ago.
Join us next week for our evidence that the Earth is not flat or even a sphere, but is in fact a cube.
Killer Robot 5000 Pro
Customer Support: Dawson Robotics. How may I help you
Client: Hi, I just bought the Killer Robot 5000 Pro and there seems to be a problem with it.
Customer Support: Can you speak louder, sir? I can barely hear you.
Client: I can’t. I’m hiding in the closet with my family and the robot is looking for us.
Customer Support: Can you describe the problem sir?
Client: Well, I can’t stop the damn robot.
Customer Support: Did you press the STOP button on the remote control?
Client: The first thing the robot did when I turned it on was to blast the remote with its laser.
Customer Support: Did you try the OFF switch in the back of the robot?
Client: I can’t. It’s moving too fast and it’s firing that damn laser.
Customer Support: Did you install “Do not kill the humans” upgrade?
Client: The what? No. I didn’t.
Customer Support: Well sir. In that case, you’ll have to wait for the robot to run out of power.
Client: How long will it take?
Customer Support: About 18 months.
Moral of the story: always read the instructions carefully. Oh, and don’t buy a Killer Robot 5000 Pro.
Famous Last Words
- “Is this gun loaded?”
- My grandpa used to say: “you can’t fly until you try!”*
- “Don’t worry, there are no more trains on these tracks. It’s safe to sleep in the tunnel.”
- “Are you sure you’re a real surgeon?”
- “What’s with the hoods and the chanting, guys?”
- “What’s that fin doing in the water?”
- “This scaffold is solid, right?”
- “What’s the worst that could happen, really?
- “Watch this, I saw it on Jackass!”
- “You want a piece of me, buddy?”
* Thanks to my daughter for that one.
Most Boring Sports Ever
2 athletes enter the cage. 1 comes out. The rules are simple: the 2 sleepers must use all the tricks in their considerable arsenal to put the other contestant to sleep. They can sign lullabies, tell long pointless boring stories or bring up images of soothing scenes. They are not allowed to rock the other contestant or pay his or her back. Only on Pay-per-View.
Contestants have a minimum of 15 minutes between each move.
They must also take a 45 minute nap every 3 moves.
When they announce their move, it must be done in a whispering voice.
Now in 3D HD!
A black background.
24 hours of intense staring.
See every gripping moments of that epic battle in HD. Don’t miss any blinks or eyebrow raises! Viewer discretion is advised.
10 things we usually don’t think about
- Anorexic sumos
- Scantily-clad brick layers
- Hairy pole-dancers
- A shaved Santa Claus
- Drunken librarians
- 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
- Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
- Sane Scientologists
- Mini-giants and huge dwarves
- Knotty squids
When science goes wrong!
- Billy inadvertently created a black hole in the washing machine by mixing white and colored clothes.
- Joan spliced her genes by wearing her spliced jeans wayyyyy too tight.
- Robert’s army of monkey men are not going to help him conquer the world. He spent all his money buying them diapers…
- Maggie tripped over a crease in the space-time continuum.
- Bob caught his mutant robot humping his dad’s truck.
- Martin put 2 alarm clocks face to face with a time difference of 1 second, which allowed him to travel back in time. Unfortunately, he only went back in time 1 second.
- Becca cloned herself but sneezed during the procedure. All her clones came out fuzzy.
- John, an alchemy student, transmutated something into gold. His wife will surely be impressed by the golden rod in his shorts.
- The team was able to miniaturize a cell phone the size of a grain of salt. Unfortunetely, Professor Matthews coughed.
- Bill successfully achieved partial invisibility of his body. He is now working on making his left side invisible.
A story about a puppy
A man bought a puppy.
He told it not to touch his cupcake.
The puppy did not obey.
So the man hurt the puppy.
The man will also hurt his puppy’s puppies and all the generations that will come from it. He will do this forever.
Do you think it’s fair?
Do you think it’s just?
Do you think it’s deserved?
- Will the endless pain of the puppies solve the obedience problem of the first puppy?
- Was the puppy aware that by disobeying one simple command, it would have all its descendant hurt, forever?
- Was the consequence explained to the puppy?
- Was the puppy capable of understanding the concept of consequence, pain or eternity?
That, my friends, is the biblical concept of the Fall of Man.
Does it make any sense to you?
New Horrible Summer Camps
Lifeskills Camp for 5-8yr
Want your kids to learn how to deal with the real world? Here is your chance! They will learn valuable skills in a fun environment:
- Coping with personal failure
- How to deal with hookers
- How to reduce your debt by selling your organs
- How to reconstruct your life after a rotten childhood
- Learning which hard drug to do to avoid permanent damage
- 13 ways to get out of paying rent
Jungle Fun for 8-12yr
In this 12 week camp, your children will learn jungle-based character-building skills like:
- How to survive in the jungle on your their own for 11 weeks
- Knowing your poisonous mushrooms
- How to escape blood-thirsty predators at night
- Yummy insects 101
- How to fight off cannibal tribes
- How to cook a cannibal
Rage in the Cage Day camp
Let your kids learn the secret of a clean knock-out while they are young through a series of half-day workshops:
- The magic of the groin kick
- Headbuts are fun
- Make your friends pass out from chokes
- The art of going bezerk
- Illegal mmoves are winning moves
We say imagination is boundless, but is it really? We all impose, voluntarily or not, limits and biases on our thoughts. Those limitations can include:
- your basic assumptions (people are good, magic does exist, anything is possible, there is an invisible realm, we are all connected, etc)
- the amount of knowledge you have
- your ability to interpolate and extrapolate
- your idea of what reality is
- what you consider possible or impossible
- your cultural frame of reference
- your mental taboos what you don’t allow yourself to think; things too awful to even think of
- your ability to create links between elements
- the state of your memory (your mental storage capacity as well as the efficiency of your data retrieval process)
- your willingness to explore new concepts
What guidelines, limits, assumptions or framework does your mind operate on?
Are you seriously religious?
If so, you have to believe in magic. The 3 Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) are filled with magical acts and magical creatures. How does the belief in magic affect your daily life?
- Do you invoke angels for assistance when you have a tight deadline or a lack of resources at work?
- Do you pray and get divine intervention right away, every time?
- Do you rely on magic instead of calculations to accomplish your job?
- Do you refrain yourself from getting a life insurance policy, because you know you only have to ask God and you shall receive? If so, did you also quit your job?
- If you are a Calvinist (believe in pre-determination that everything is God’s will), did you stop working when you realized that whatever you do; it’s God’s plan for you?
- Do you go to the zoo expecting some animals to talk, like in the Bible?
- Do you do something to protect yourself against the Evil Eye?
- Did you buy a convertible car so you don’t bash your head against the roof when the Rapture comes?
- “This beer is so cold you’ll loose most of your fingers from hypothermia just by holding the can!”.
- “This rejuvenation face cream will make you look like a newborn in just 3 weeks”.
- “Our new hybrid sedan is so efficient, it spews gasoline instead of consuming it!”
- “Our new SUV is so spacious, you and your extended family can live in it for years, like most of our consumers do!”
- “Our interest rate is so low, we’re paying you load of money a week to buy our crap!”
- “No payment, no interest, no hidden fees, no restocking fee and no administrative fee for 120 years!”
- “No payment, no interest for 1 year. Only an easy-breezy 257% convenience fee applies!”
- “Our new Lazer Mach 17 DuoCore Stealth Pro Magnum Razor is so fast it will leave you deaf from the afterburner sound!
- “You’ll look so good in your new Armani suit that hordes of itchy toothless homeless women will want to snuggle up with you!”
- “This manly perfume will totally change your lifestyle, bring supermodels and that huge promotion to you, but will leave you impotent.”
6-Word Stories Part 7
- Clowns riding dragons… Terror from above!
- New body modification: plastic dolls implants!
- New body modification: total face splitting!
- Clones: buy one get one free!
- Attack butterflies: the new silent killer.
- Inflatable houses: beware of large bees!
- Smimming straight across Atlantic Ocean. Tired!
What do you call God?
- Is it the spark that make us do beautiful things and have pure thoughts?
- Is it the sum of all laws of physics, the cause of all things?
- Is it a jealous, fear-inspiring, genocidal but also just and forgiving anthropomorphic character?
- Is it a purely good, just, all-powerful and benevolent entity?
- Is is a fictional character people invented to explain things before science?
- Is it a personal friend with whom you have a direct relationship?
IF you believe there is an all wise and all powerful God, creator of the whole universe,
THEN you must listen to what he has to say.
IF you think God wrote or at least inspired a book,
THEN you must read it and accept every word of it.
IF you accept every word of it,
THEN you must obey every parts of it.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your children to death if they disobey you.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone homosexuals to death.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your fiancee if she is raped.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your wife if she is not a virgin on your wedding night.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody who worship a different god than yours.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone all wizards (if you can find some).
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that works on Saturday.
IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that is blaspheming.
Do you believe there is a god who created the whole universe?
Do you believe he wrote or inspired a book?
Did you read every word of it?
Do you apply every commands in it?
If not, why?
You should start piling up stones because you have a lot of work ahead of you.
Women apparently cause earthquakes.
Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi, senior Iranian cleric,told his worshippers on Friday: “Many women who dress inappropriately … cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes,”. He also added “Calamities are the result of people’s deeds…. We have no way but [to] conform to Islam to ward off dangers.”
I then realized that my geology teachers lied to me for years. Those teachers made up words like “tectonic plates”, “subduction”, “moho layer” as well as concepts such as magma convection and divergent boundaries to explain earthquakes.
All that time wasted studying science when in fact, girls only have to cover up. It’s so simple!
If women would listen to men, we could have averted the devastating earthquake that killed 803,000 in China in 1556, 300,230 in the Indonesia tsunami in 2004, and 230,000 in Haiti earlier this year.
I’m ready to accept that natural disasters are the result of sin. After all, if bronze age desert people believed in it, it must be true. I have a few questions though:
Does the number of uncovered women affect the type of natural disaster or only its magnitude?
Does the choice of the uncovered part have an impact on the natural disasters we deserve?
Is a visible shoulder worst than visible hair? Does cleavage bring in more thunder than an exposed stomach? If it is the case, then surely topless beaches, nude camps and swingers clubs must be bombarded by meteors and lightning bolts all the time, no?
I suggest we pay more attention to ancient texts and traditions and stop wasting time learning “science” and thinking rationally. I also suggest covering up women, men, children and small dogs to avoid the wrath of God. Of course, we’d have to obey all the demands of ALL the gods ever imagined by people since the dawn of time. What do you think?
6-Word Stories Part 6
- When I run, background music starts.
- Monster in the basement. Get rope…
- Marathon starts. Laces untied. Huge pileup.
- Flying jetpack really high. Need jacket.
- Travelling by catapult. Missed a bit.
- I am an amnesic time traveller.
- I mastered the one-note song.
- Base jumping, train surfing. Getting tired.
- Gremlins under bed. Release the werewolf.
I have a friend named Julius Caesar, ex-Roman Emperor. Shortly after his death, he was sanctified as a deity. He’s a great guy who listens to me, advises me on a wide range of problems I’m facing, and who gives me hope and moral support when I need it. Although he lived a little more than 2,000 ago, he is still very much relevant to my life and what I’m going through. I talk to him on a daily basis and he answers me, in my head. He is invisible but I can feel his presence around me, like a comforting blanket.
Am I privileged to have a personal relationship with a god or am I just plain delusional?
Does it make a difference what the name of that imaginary friend is?
6-word Stories Part 5
- Beautiful mermaid, but smells like fish.
- Silky smooth werewolf = expensive Brazilian waxing!
- Impaled by unicorn. Should have believed…
- Angels caught in tornado. Dizzy angels…
- Sad Leprechauns… No gold, just Interact!
- Ghosts fuzzy near cellphone towers. Progress?
- Sea monsters scared… Now an aphrodisiac.
- Vampires ashamed. They saw Twilight too!
6-word Stories Part 4
- Base jumping. Very windy day. Ahhhhhhhh!
- Clown costume. Scared children. Fly open.
- Bear attack. Friend filming. Youtube upload!
- Huge headache. Guillotine. No more headache!
- Born. Live. Die. Repeat. Thanks reincarnation!
- Jumping canyon in car. Miscalculated distance…
- Joining cult. Noticing guns. Geting out!
- Teleportator miscalibrated. Now part of wall…
- Sad clown. Cheap prostitute. Happy clown!
- Food fight stopped. No pumpkins allowed!
You vs Knowledge
What is your relation with knowledge?
Do you think of knowledge as an external entity limited to schools? If so, does it make you uncomfortable because it changes your mental map of the world and reality?
Do you crave knowledge? Do you consider it a way to expand your reality?
Are you frustrated when you study a field and discover that the amount of information on the topic is far greater than what you initially estimated? Does it frustrate you to never have a complete grasp of a field, even less of reality?
Do you have the impression that the more you learn, the more you notice vast hidden rooms you never thought existed in your mental representation of reality?
The Beauty of Magic.
Where do humans come from?
How did the universe begin?
If the Earth of really round, how come Chinese people don’t fall off, eh? Stomped now right?
When we don’t have a full explanation, when we don’t understand the detailed complex explanation given, or when we don’t even bother doing a basic research, the easiest thing to do is to point to magic.
Magic is a truly wonderful tool to explain complex concepts with no efforts. It doesn’t require previous knowledge or experimentation; you don’t even have to open a single book! It is easier to invoke magic than to listen to arguments, understand the underlying principles or look at the evidence. You can also substitute the word “magic” for “God” if you are evangelical.
So many forces…
You think your initial physical traits and your behavioral patterns come from genetics and your environments. You think you can use free will to steer your life? Wrong!
So many forces are acting on your life without your control. You are simply a bobbing pawn in an ocean of external forces.
The following forces have an influence on your character, your level of luck, your whole structure as a human being as well as any event that happens or doesn’t happen to you:
- the day and year you were born
- the planets and constellations alignment at the time
- the combined daily horoscope from all newspaper and websites
- the chain letter email you do or don’t forward
- any curse or blessings people give you. Those include voodoo dolls, charms, spells, incantations and potions.
- the evil eye you receive
- an ladder you step under, any black cats you cross, anything with the number 13, any mirrors you break, any salt you pour over your shoulder to counter an evil force
- the will and plan of any gods past or present
- whether you touch wood or not when you notice you are lucky
- any good luck charm you wear
- the energy in a particular location
- the will of any invisible creature, such as ghost, angel, fairy, etc.
- the telluric currents (underground low-level electrical grid) that happen to cross your house, mostly your bed
- any actions you did or habit you had in one of your numerous past lives
Do you think that not believing in those eternal forces is enough to cut the invisible ties and make you master of your destiny?
6-Word Stories Part 3
- Zombies on fire. Get your marshmallows!
- Parachute broken. Ground coming fast. Splat!
- Cloning works fine now… Closet full!
- Cannibal neighbor. Dinner invitation. Great meal!
- Inflatable girlfriend. Should not buy cactus.
- Tiny barking dog. Big scary shoes.
- Jetpack malfunction. Looking down. Oh no!
- Mission to Mars. Forgot my pills.
- Writing memoirs. Great time for amnesia…
- Alien abduction true. Colon still hurting.
Scary Fighter Names
It is common for fighters to use a nickname. Usually, it’s something macho and aggressive such as “The Beast”, “The Destroyer” or “Tank”. Here are a few suggestions for scarier names for guys in tight speedos grappling and sweating in 69:
- John “Sweaty Blob” Stevenson
- Allan “Fart Machine” Mendoza
- Max “The Groper” Davison
- François “Erected Perv” Cassis
- Frank “Stink Bomb” Klein
- Vladimir “3 Balls” Rudensky
- Hikoshi “The Vomiter” Matasho
- Romeo “Ex-lax” O’Neil
- Lance “The Impaler” Smith (formerly known as “Backdoor Surprise”)
- Rodrigo “14 inch Snake” Patcheti
Reach for the Stars and Beyond
Are you refereed to as “a force of nature to be reckoned with” on a regular basis?
Do people talk about you as “a visionary light years ahead of his/her time”?
Are you called “the most important agent of change of our third millennium society”?
Are you ‘”the last strand of hope for democracy and capitalism”?
Then you need our “Reach for the Stars and Beyond” personal building course!
FIRST, we’ll break you to pieces with the help of our boot camp marines yelling officers in our intensive 14 month program. You’ll live in the damp and cold woods, with highly trained snipers hunting you down using live ammo day and night. You’ll become a scared animal, running on instinct only. You’ll be forced to eat moss and potentially deadly mushrooms to survive. Your psyche will be crushed into a fine mental powder, then be blown away by the wind of contempt and despair. You will forget your name. You will forget your life. You will forget your humanity. You will wish you were dead.
BUT, at the last moment just before you sink into a permanent hallucinogenic dementia one of our certified premium professional master life coach will grab you from the muck and bring you back to life.
We’ll rebuild you from the ground up. You’ll learn how to crawl, walk and run. You’ll re-learn how to speak coherently and better.than ever before Our personal trainers will transform the crawling Golem you’ve become into a tall-walking proud human gem. Our team of plastic surgeons will change everything about you, to make you so beautiful people will faint at your approach. They will alter your skeletal structure, your profile, your skin, your hair, your eye color, your speech, your posture and your DNA.
Our army of expert-life coaches will change your presence, your vocabulary, your charisma, your knowledge base, your habits and your life force.
Soon, you’ll get a new name and a new family a better family. You’ll want nothing to do with the slobs at home.
NOW you will be ready to achieve greatness. NOW you will access real power. NOW you will be able to reshape humanity as we know it.
Call now and become a new person. A better person.
First 1,500 callers will get a cruel reality-check.
What do they really mean?
1) Your neighbor says:
How you doin’?
That innocent-sounding question reveals a deep interest in your life. You have the moral obligation of telling your neighbor a detailed point by point update of what is going on in your life since last time he asked you that question.
Start by financial, health, career, family dynamics, then go to fears, joys, deceptions and contemplative states you were in. Then you can go deeper in the report.
2) You sneeze and the stranger on the bus says:
God bless you!
What kind of blessing does he wish upon you?
How will he track the results?
Does he have the power to appeal to a divine entity directly?
If he has the power to bestow blessings upon you, does he have the power to curse you as well?
What other powers does he possess?
3) You colleague tells you he had not been sick this year, then he adds, while touching wood:
Does the type of wood make a difference?
Does it matter if you touch wood with one finger, a full hand or if you lie down naked on a wooden desk every time you say that magical sentence?
If you touch plastic instead, will you have bad luck?
Are there any double-blind studies on the benefits of touching wood?
Real or Fake Science?
I heard au audio recording of The Big Bang, that led to the expansion of the universe. It was REALLY loud!
I found how to change the 24h days to 26 h days. All we have to do is build 20km tall North-South walls across the length of North & South America, Europe, Africa and Asia. This should slow down the Earth rotation enough to gain a few hours.
Scientists found a new enzyme that, once fed to enemy populations, make them glow in the dark. They are then much easier to spot at night.
Maxus Pharmaceutical developed a product allowing to temporarily alter the chromosome pairs of a person. It allows the Y chromosome in males to be temporarily dormant while duplicating the X chromosome, thus transforming a male into a female. Another product simulates a Y chromosome in a female to temporarily transform her into a male. The effects last 1 or 2 days.
Terraforming is the act of transforming a barren planet into one that can support human life. This includes converting the atmosphere into one breathable by humans, creating water sources and soil where plants can grow. NASA started terraforming the moon, Mars as well as 2 moons of Jupiter. We should be able to have colonies on those places in about 2 years.
If Office People Acted Like Children
“Honey, I got a new job in the marketing department. The pay is a lot less, but they have cupcakes on Fridays.”
“Boss, Simmons is looking at me!”
“Mr. Vice-President, Peterson is making faces at me again!”
“Boss, can you go wipe McLauren. He’s in the third stall crying.”
“Linda in management is 2 years younger than me. I can lift her.”
“Boss, Lewis doesn’t want to share his stapler!”
“Boss, Matthew used the S word!”
“Great crayon presentation, O’Connor!”
“Don’t bug Claudia today, OK? She didn’t had her nap and she’s cranky.”
“This years, instead of a bonus, we have stickers for everybody!”
How to be a Good Creationist
Who wants to do real science? Science is hard, you have to study for a long time, learn formulas and concepts, devise experiments, validate and analyze the results, write and publish in-depth articles explaining your research for peer review in science magazines, run, work in or deal with a lab as well as often apply for grants.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just get ALL your answers directly from ONE book? Instead of studying evolutionary biology, molecular biology, genetics, neurology, paleontology, archeology, geochronology, geology, geomorphology, climatology, astronomy, cosmology, physics or chemistry, as well as how to use machines such as a electron microscope or mass spectrometer, you can just read clips of ONE book. Can’t get easier. That book contains ALL the answers. If you want, you can spend some time glancing over a science glossary just to have the gist of what the scientific words are in order to argue with those “scientist”.
Here are a few trick to make you a better creationist:
Argumentation & Methods
Start by general statements that give the impression that you have the answers relating to those statements, such as “Ever wondered where we come from, where we are going, and how you can be a better person?”
Always start with the conclusion, then find semi-relevant non-confirmed anecdotes to support your position. If you don’t, you might end up with a different conclusion. We all know there is only 1 conclusion possible: the Word of God.
Mix several disciplines and concepts into the general label “Evolution”, such as geology, geomorphology, abiogenesis, astronomy, physics, cosmology, evolutionary biology, genetics, paleontology, theory of evolution by natural selection, etc. You are also allowed to mix in gravity and naturalism.
Equate “evolution” and science in general with godlessness. Make the audience think that if they accept “evolution”, they are rejecting the Word of God and God Himself.
Use several logical techniques (called logical fallacies by our opponents) during arguments, such as moving the goal post, Ad hominem, argument from authority, Confusing association with causation, false dichotomy, strawmen attacks, etc. Those will help you achieve a point without having to give a full solid argument or show data supporting your position.
Conflate facts about evolution to give a different picture, no matter when those things were thought to be true. Bring back ideas from the 1800s along with discredited ideas from the 1950s to give the impression that “scientist” are in agreement with those ideas.
Insist that “scientist” are not agreeing, are divided, or even confused over their own theories.
Refute ANY claims that humans have things in common with animals, even if “scientists” demonstrate that our human biology is identical to the ones of animals. Play the emotional card. Ask the audience if they are monkeys.
Attack Charles Darwin’s character as “evolutionists” think he’s a god. Tell the audience he was a drunk and that he recanted his “theory” on his death bed. You do not need to worry about citing sources for these allegations.
When debating an “evolutionist”, use a technique called “surfacing”: quickly change topics and disciplines to avoid in-depth discussion on a single topic. It will give the audience the impression that you are confident and a master of many disciplines.
Call atheists, “Darwinists” and “evolutionists” a religion based on faith alone. Call the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection a fairy-tale. Insist that “scientists” have to “believe”.
Always use the popular meaning of the word “theory” to equate it with “hypothesis”, “idea” or “guess”. Never use the word “theory” in its scientific meaning, which is an explanation or model based on observation, experimentation, and reasoning that has been tested and confirmed as a general principle helping to explain and predict natural phenomena. Repeat to the audience: “evolution is a theory, not a fact“. Do not go into details about the implications of that assertion for the natural world.
When confronted by “scientist” about our lack of experiments, cite a few experiments from our suggested list. Do not give details about who did the experiments, the data source, methodology, instrumentation & calibration, experiment replication or analysis. Focus solely on the conclusion. If they grill you on the absence of creationist paper published by mainstream scientific publications, invoke ostracism for our beliefs and scientific conspiracies.
When interviewed by mainstream media outlets, insist we only want fairness in classes. We want children to have an open mind about the different theories. When talking about Intelligent Design, do not talk about Creationism. That word is no longer in use as it has too much of a religion connotation. Intelligent Design sounds more modern and serious. Do not worry, it is only a name change, as all concepts and notions of Creationism are still valid. Please change topics if someone from the media or a debater is asking about if other theories (such as the Flat Earth, Astrology, Alchemy, African Creation Myth, etc) should also be thought in science class.
Do not refer to yourself as an “Intelligent Designer” but as a “proponent of Intelligent Design” (of ID).
Data & Support
Often refer to your DVDs, seminars or blog. This will give you the instant credentials of implied deep research without having to explain if those are even relevant to the discussion.
Deny that any evidence has ever been found on topics such as the theory of evolution. Ignore the multiple example of transitional forms offered by “scientists”. Keep repeating that we have not found any evidence over and over.
Learn to deflect arguments by showing funny slides that are not related to the topic. For example, if a “scientist” talk about evolution, show a slide of a a rock, a monkey, and a grandmother and say: “So, you think that rock transformed into that monkey, then into Grandma?” Wait for applause and laugh from your uneducated crown.
Use irrelevant example to simulate the argumentative position of your opponent, such as: “I’ve never seen cats give birth to dog, have you?” Wait for cheers. Slay your audience by showing our venerable crocoduck image.
Do not engage “scientists” into in-depth debate using data. Data is NOT your friend. Refrain from using it.
Whenever you are using example, try to use folksy images, simple language things regular folks can relate to, such as Grandpa, hunting, small numbers, etc.
Show drawing of people with dinosaur to illustrate your point. People will forget the complex topics and only remember those images. Graph are OK to show if they have only 1 curve, a large, simple title and seem to reinforce your position. Credits or data source are not welcomed.
Talk about the Creation Museum several times. If it’s in a museum, it MUST be true.
You can use the products of “science” such as microwaves, cell phones, MRI, X-Rays, HD TV, digital cameras, and your SUV, But remember, even if a principle is valid in making those things work, that principle is NOT valid if it contradicts The Bible. Radioactive decay is absolutely real and valid unless it is used to estimate the age of the Earth to more than 6,000 years old.
Use famous hoaxes, artist renditions and examples of rogue data to discredit entire science disciplines. Talk about a mammoth’s bones that was carton-dated thousand of years older than its skin. Do not cite source or the fact that no “real scientist” ever took them seriously.
Identity & Authority
Wear appropriate close to show you care about science, such as a dinosaur tie and a lab coat.
Boast your credentials but under NO circumstance, explain where you got your degree. “Scientists” tend to disparage your science degree from Church of Christ Rosary Evangelical Academy of Real Good Science. Referring to yourself as Dr. Dino or Chemist John is a good way to establish credentials. Equate teaching highschool science in a evangelical school of 23 students with being a real scientist.
When you say a big number, you MUST emphasize the first syllable by elongating it. It will enhance the incredulity factor by up to 350%. Do not emphasize the word Thousand,, as you don’t want people to think even that unit is out of reach and hard to imagine. For example:
“Scientist” say this fossil is 265 Milllllllions year old and the Earth if 4.5 Billllllllions year old.
We know from The Bible the Earth is 6 Thousand years old. (Do not say: “6 Thouuuuuuuusand years old”)
Remember, most people do not have even a basis understanding of science, so they will not be hard to convince if you appear to know more than them by using complex words. Many are intimidated and impressed by long, complex words. They also will not know if you barely know the definition of the long words you are using. They cannot differentiate between real and false credentials, cannot sort irrelevant facts from relevant ones, and cannot evaluate or compare ideas by applying critical thinking. Throw in big word such as “thermodynamic”, “irreducible complexity” and “punctual equilibrium” and you will appear like an expert.
Keep certain things as a last resort weapon, such as “Go mate with your monkey dad”, or “Burn in Hell!”
Good luck, good debate and God bless you!
Discount Organ Superstore
Are you looking for used eyes? Maybe refurbished kidneys or a smaller stomach? We have everything at half-price! We also carry a vast selection of cool defective and discontinued items! You can even get matching organs for the whole family or a fridge full of everything, just in case!
Need a transplant on the spot? No problems! Ask one of our smiling non-licensed attendants and they will have you up and running in 1 hour or less!
Please don’t forget to sign the non-responsibility waiver! Doing so allows you to enter a draw for a FREE B-grade brain!
Birthday parties available. Kids will love the liposuction leftover fat fights!
NEW! Try our new non-necessary plastic surgeries done by our own cosmetic surgery enthusiasts!
House bound? No problems! We make housecalls! We are now using ice so your newly purchased organs will stay fresh for up to 20 minutes!
Humans 0.2 Beta
I am certain that humans have been designed the same way companies develop products:
Some useful features not included because they came too late.
Some obvious design flaws in the external reproductive system were rubberstamped because the team couldn’t meet their deadline and they had to rush approval.
Some useless parts were also added only because the mother-in-law of the head of the internal organs department wouldn’t leave them alone.
Some parts (now called vestigial) are the result of a bad copy and paste job.
The team released Human 0.2 Beta, thinking they would fix it later. Then, funding was cut and Human 0.2 Beta became the official release.
No updates were issued because no one planned an update platform to distribute the fixes.
Sales sold the project to the client as a product which would be perfect, without requiring improvements.
Management let go of the tech support team in early alpha phase.
Marketing created religions to promote the idea that their products was perfect.
The tricky afterlife concept
Do you realize that the better you are at earning heaven, the closer you are to hell?
By choosing one religion and working hard or believing the right things, you just bought yourself tickets to all the other hells?
By choosing Christianity, you don’t follow the Torah (even if you are supposed to believe the whole book, which does include the Torah) so you go to hell. You also don’t follow the precepts included in the Quran, which sends you straight to Muslim hell. Sadly, it also means you might not even attain the first level of Mormon heaven.
One solution would be to act and believe everything, even things that are mutually exclusive. But a deity can probably know if you are faking it.
Another solution is to clone yourself and all have the same name and clothes. You have each one of you believe in a different religion. It is also crucial that you all die at the same time. One of you is bound to get it right so all of you can get a free pass to eternity in bliss. May religions talks about your name being in the Book of Heaven, so when they call you, you all stand up.
A third solution is to create your own afterlife. Don’t worry, yours is at least as plausible as all the other ones.
New energy-efficient wave
The NASA Jet Propulsion Lab recently presented its findings on a contract awarded in 2006 to develop a new wave for Queen of England Elizabeth II.
The Queen of England have to wave to peasants for extended periods of time and would have been at risk of developing royal carpal tunnel syndrome by maintaining that grueling amount of wave.
A team of 14 engineers worked for 18 months on a new hand wave that reduces air resistance, and energy consumption by up to 38%, Biomechanical and bioareodynamical tests were conducted in computer simulation and wind tunnel.
NASA is confident that these improvement will lead to more waves for the years to come.
New Plastic Surgery Services!
Tired of suffering from backache from carrying around your enormous organ all day?
Sick of being laughed at by your date because you’re way too big?
Annoyed by your colleagues’ jokes about the “telephone pole” you’re sporting in your dress pants?
Fear no more! Our new and improved procedure, the “CutieTiny” will transform your massive and unsightly pork sword into a slim and attractive toothpick.
Call now and get a free nose and eye socket enlargement! The first 100 callers will also get a a month’s worth of our new product: Soft’N’Go. It allows you to stay unerected no matter the circumstance!
Don’t forget about our Total Body DeEnhancement! You can go from hunk to chunk in 1 day! Let us take care of that full head of hair, generic perfectly tone body and boring symmetrical features. After the procedure, you’ll be bald, chubby and awkward ; just in time to avoid that dreadful date with a supermodel!