Pitfalls to avoid when becoming a Psychopathic Killer

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  1. Eat before stalking your victims. A grumbly stomach can really mess up an good ambush.
  2. Watch what you eat before hiding in a house. Burping or farting when you hide behind the curtains do not project a serious image or conceal your location very well.
  3. Wear non-squeaky shoes. Even if you wear a creepy mask, people will not take you seriously if you squeak.
  4. Brush up on your self-defense skills. You career is not starting well if you get your ass kicked by a 13 year old girl on your first day.
  5. Go to the toilet before starting a killing spree. Being stuck in the bathroom for 25 minutes really breaks the mood.
  6. Get a GPS. Getting lost before even getting to your killing destination will not impress your killer pals.
  7. Make sure you drive something fear-inspiring, not a Smart Car or a minivan.
  8. Buy quality killing instruments. Nothing says amateur like a giant butcher knife that breaks as you wield it in the air.
  9. Think about what you’ll need before leaving the house. Bring gas for the chainsaw, extra rope, and clean underwear in case you have an accident.
  10. Watch for marbles on the floor, iron dangling from the ceiling, buckets of tar and kids who look like Macaulay Culkin.
  11. If you have a funny voice, don’t talk. Just growl or squeal. An awkward voice can make your victim burst into laughter — not good for the ego on your first day.
  12. Research your victims. You don’t want to barge in the house of a 7-time boxing champion, a Navy SEAL or another psychopathic killer.
  13. Dress for the occasion: overalls and a creepy masks is fine; wearing only a thong, a bow tie and a top hat is not fine.
  14. No running with scissors. You could hurt yourself.
  15. Resist the temptation to tidy up a messy house before starting killing.
  16. Stretch before chasing someone with your heavy axe.
  17. You can bring creepy music to set the tone of the massacre. To be taken seriously, avoid music from the TV show “Benny Hill” or anything with a banjo.
  18. Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. Bring pens if you’d like them to fill out a survey on your performance.
  19. Don’t be nervous. They are as much afraid of you as you are afraid of them.
  20. Be polite and courteous. Nobody likes a killer with poor manners.
  21. Most of all: be creative — have fun with it.