- Make sure you speak in a very soft voice — whisper even; people will pay more attention.
- Distract the audience with loud noises or pretend to slip and fall whenever you are not sure what to say.
- Mumble or speak much faster when you say things that are controversial, unfounded or simply wrong.
- Dress very provocatively or 4 sizes too small. This will give the audience something to look at when you try to remember where you are in your speech.
- Don’t be afraid to sound racist, sexist, arrogant or plain dumb. This will set you apart from the polished and professional speakers and make you seem edgy. And remember: swear words are your friends.
- Play background music very loud. People don’t have to hear every words you say.
- Make sure the print-outs of your speech don’t match your actual speech. This will force people to talk to you after the talk.
- Wear squeaky shoes — whimsical effects are always welcome.
- Accentuate the dramatic effect of your points with sound effects.
- Make sure to always exaggerate the numbers you say — whose going to fact-check your presentation anyway?
- Try changing your voice every 3 or 4 minutes to Yoda, Scooby Doo, Mr. T, Bill Cosby, Sponge Bob, etc. This will keep the audience alert and receptive.
- Don’t be afraid to make up words. People will think you are more knowledgeable than them.