How to Create you Own Religion

  1. Find a universal need you can cater to. This will shape your approach; This will be used in your branding/marketing efforts.
  2. Name your religion. Find a cool name that sounds ancient, like the Adorators of Hakballah, The VicciCode or Repenters of Atlantis Faith.
  3. Find a new interpretation on prevalent existing religious texts OR write a new spiritual reference book that, while maintaining continuity with prevalent existing religions, myths and philosophies, departs from them in a significant way. That new book should be a mix of common sense, basic life experiences, anecdotes, unverifiable claims and hard to pronounce names.
  4. Rename yourself. No one will follow Bob Smith, the Archdeacon of Hakballah.
  5. As early as possible, find celebrity sponsorship. Don’t worry, it’s not as hard as it sounds. Just buy a newspaper and call celebrities who already sponsor Psychic Hotlines. Offer them $50.
  6. Create rituals, dress codes, and greeting gestures.
  7. Start your PR early. Attribute miracles to your deity, preferable out-of-phase naturally occuring, statistically insignificant but emotionally charged events.
  8. Make claims. It doesn’t matter if they are unproven, false, out of context or irrelevant. See Rael.
  9. Speak properly. Practice political talk, mixed with emotionally but non-committal words and spiritual concepts (a spiritual OfficeSpeak): “The transcendence of the non-litteral Word of the Great Luminant is the quintessence of the SubMan archetype“.
  10. Be invited to Oprah. We cannot stress this one enough.
  11. Create your own media outlet.
  12. Make sure your new beliefs are similar enough to others. That way, you’ll gain free press in their media outlets.
  13. Create a sound financial model. Make sure all level of worship, social involvement, public appearances, etc bring you money.
  14. Enjoy! You now have power over your fellow men & women (whatever your preference is), public opinion, and media. Life is good.

How to Impress People

  1. Drive a 26-foot Santa Clause float.
  2. Print business cards with “Ambassador to Arkhaministan”. When asked where that country is, say: “Right between Murkhistan and United Republic of Tuaniman”.
  3. When asked what you do, reply: I’m a astrocosmometaphysicist, part-time brain surgeon as well as a shameless terraforming hobbyist. What do YOU do?”
  4. Wear a large bald eagle feather hat, mandragore root perfume, white tiger shirt, panda fur pants, baby seal socks and galapagos turtle shell shoes.
  5. Talk about real estate trends on Phobos.
  6. Tell that really funny anecdote about your experience on genetic mutations of monkey-men.
  7. Brag about reading

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