10 Bad Things about Zombies

It is pretty clear by now that zombies have an overall lack of decorum and good manners:

Not the most polite
A simple “thank you” after munching on your brain goes a long way.

Awful postures
Would they kill them to stand straight?

Dangerously outdated sense of fashion
Lot’s be honest here: they look awful — unless they were bitten during a fashion show, of course. In that case, you have can have some fabulous looking zombies.

Poor personal hygiene
Would it be too much to ask for them to shower once in a while?

Atrocious table manners
Ever seen one use a fork and knife when eating? What about as napkin?

Lack in communications skills
I’m sorry, but when did “grrr” and “arrrhhgg” become an acceptable form of communicating?

Total disregard for private property
They break windows, enter private properties willy-nilly, and certainly never respected the “Keep off the grass” sign.

Don’t play well with others
Eh zombies, ever heard of sharing? When you catch someone, leave some for your buddies — They are starving too you know!

Anger prone
You never see a mellow zombie — they always seem angry for some reason.I wonder if Arctic Zombies are more peaceful?

Alarmingly wasteful
They seem to never care about wasting perfectly good body parts. They will your brain but will leave your perfectly good arms arms intact. Shameful.


Thanks to my deliciously quirky wife for her help on this one.

Exciting New Sports

A 23-foot race for people with no endurance

Wide Jump
With both feet together, the athlete who jumps the further sideways wins.

Sliding Pole Vaulting
Like traditional Pole Vaulting, but with the pole completely covered in grease… and without a mat.

Trap Football
Like regular football, but with a special floor that includes trap doors, trampoline patches, random fire and the occasional release of rabid wild boars.

Pea Pushing Marathon
With only a straw in your mouth, you have to blow on a pea for 42 miles.

Extreme Speed Swimming
Covered in food sludge, you have to cross a piranha-infested river.

Monster Truck Polo
Finally, a less aristocratic version of Polo!

Those darn bots

As our lives are becoming more and more virtual, bots will become increasingly disruptive.

I’m not talking about the humanoid robots we see in movies or the working robots we see in factories. I’m talking about digital bot — entities made entirely of code.

The old bots were visiting billions of sites to gather information to help search engines on the web. They were talking to us on phone systems and in novelty website guides.

A new kind of bot is appearing and is interfacing with our digital lives. They can send customized emails addressed to our name, from someone we know by tapping into our contact list and leave comments on blogs from a database of generic comments and compose a new name, domain name and email address for each comment.

Very soon, bots will become more sophisticated, making it very hard to tell them apart from other online entities, like our friends, our banks, or e-commerce sites we purchase from. Bots are becoming an integral part of phishing and scamming operations. They will fool us with an array of stolen real information and a composite of believable information modeled after our stolen profiles and communications patterns from different social networking sites.

The future is friendly… if you’re a bot.