1. If you’re a big burly man, make sure your yellow thong is visible above your belt.
2. Show everyone around the table how you can fit your fist in your mouth.
3. On a sunny day, arrive at the meeting with your clothes and hair totally soaked.
4. Bring a canned laugh machine to emphasize your jokes and a clapping machine to cheer what you say something quasi deep.
5. Lower every chairs but raise yours. You’ll look much taller.
6. Before the meeting, place a small mirror, a razor blade and a small amount of sugar on the table, in front of all the seats. Watch who tries it discreetly.
7. Fill half the chairs with blow-up dolls dressed in 3-piece suits.
8. Spend 20 minutes to set a laptop, a tablet, 2 smart phones and a portable printer. Then use only pen and paper for the meeting.
9. When visiting a new company, pretend to be mute and request all communications to be written. At the end of the meeting, thank them verbally.
10. Warm people before the meeting that you have STS (Selective Tourette Syndrome) triggered by obscure business jargon and yell obscenities every time people mention “leveraging the paradigm shift”, or “Incentivise the top-tier multi-mode architecture”.

Ghosts, with all their limitations, can still be invaluable friends. By being able to go through walls, disappearing on command, being invisible and floating in mid air, they can help you in many ways:

Spying: They can go see what your competitors are doing and report back to you.

Blackmailing: You can easily gather monetary gain from people’s embarrassing secrets. This is your chance to use that proverbial “fly on the wall”.

Recon: Ghosts can’t really transport anything heavy, so they are pretty useless at stealing gold bars or bags of money for you. But they can look around for you to find safe combination, passwords, names on a list, PIN numbers, etc. No need to learn complicated and illegal hacking techniques with you’re friend with a ghost.

Pranks: With ghosts, the potential for pranks is endless. A head coming out of the toilet, an empty suit chasing your friends, body parts in the soup, a torso peeking through the wall… You’ll never be bored again!

Pretending to have psychic powers: With otherworldly connections, your ghost friend can tell you about your customer’s deceased family members to make you look like the big shot who charges the big bucks.

Preparation: One day, you might have the chance of turning into a ghost yourself, so learn the trick now!

1. “I won’t drink blood tonight.”
2. “Man, I’m way too drunk to fight naked!”
3. “I’m going to clone my favorite flea.”
4. “I’m a strip-o-clown enthusiast.”
5. “I’m a field internal plastic surgeon. I can reshape your pancreas in the kitchen with a spoon if you want”
6. “I used to be rich. Now I love shrimps.”
7. “You know, I can murder you in this basement and no one will notice.”
8. “You aura is pulsing to the left. When is the last time you had it aligned?”
9. “I’ve been a financial advisor to Bernie Madoff and Enron.”
10. “I’m a Scientologist. I’m Xenu’s brother-in-law.”

Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:

Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

1. Play “Punch Buggy” in the parking lot of the Volkswagen factory.
2. Play Hide & Seek in New York’s sewer system.
3. Sort a colony of fire ants by size.
4. Count the grains of sand on a beach.
5. Copy the phonebook, in crayons.

From Mercury: “Today, arrrgghh it burnnnnnnns! Back to you Ken!”

From the dark side of the moon: “Today, and for the rest of the year, dark, cold and dry. Again”

From Jupiter: “Today, cloudy and poisonous with winds up to 600km/h. Stay indoors if you don’t have to go out.”

From Saturn: “Conditions on the Rings today: icy with clear visibility. Great for skating!”

From Pluto: Today… who cares. No one watches my weather report anyway…

Thanks to my daughter for that great idea!

Coming next fall to Food TV is a brand new and exciting show:

Chemical Food War
In this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.