- Your date finds your intestinal parasite much more charming than you.
- Your parents like your imaginary friend better than they like you.
- Your boss has a better relationship with outsourced tech support person #1232 from Bombay than with you.
- You apply for a modeling job and they hire you as the before shot.
- You drop your son at the daycare and the other kids run and scream when they see you.
- Your cat cuddles with the scratch post and scratches you.
- Your Parkinson is so bad that you appear blurry.
- Your Tourette Syndrome is so bad people are surprised when you don’t swear.
- Your weight gain is so out of control you have to hurry out of the elevator not to get stuck.
- Your body noises are so loud people frequently ask you to speak louder.
Monthly Archives: January 2011
Things NOT to think about in sports
Swimming
“I can really drown if I swallow water a couple of times!”
Boxing
“Look at the size of that guy! This is going to hurt so much. Every punch will make me dizzier and closer to crying.”
Figure Skating
“Oh no, here comes the spin again… really should NOT have eaten that large pizza… I’ll make a vomit ring on the ice like last week.”
Running
“I can feel the burger coming up. Every step on that pavement makes it go higher, and higher…”
Ski Jumping
“That’s sooooo high! My knees are going to bust when I land…”
Wrestling
“I’ll those beans and cabbage right before the match. What was I thinking?”
Skeleton
“Oh my god, one bump and I’ll loose my face!”
Pole Vaulting
“Even if I clear the bar, I can really get impaled on that pole”
Car Racing
“This car will my tomb… This car will my tomb…”
Weight Lifting
“Wow, That’s huge! I bet I’ll snap my elbows right off.”
Justified Superstition
Our ancestors were very supersticious. They lived in an age before science, before electricity, and before printed books.
For them:
- The night was very dark before the invention of electrical lights.
- Big animals were a real threat before the invention of firearms.
- Countries were terribly far apart before the invention of cars and trains; populations were more isolated.
- Natural elements were scary before people understood what they were.
- Knowledge was mostly passed on orally before the invention of the printed books. Even then, very few people knew how to read.
- There were long delays between the facts and the report, with distortion due to the oral mode of transmission.
- There were no photos or videos to document an event.
- There was little ways to check facts before books and the Internet, as people had to rely on memory.
What they had was stories and their imagination.
Can you blame them for being superstitious to the core?
Now that we have access to:
- knowledge through books and Internet
- basic understanding of our physical world
- critical thinking derived from higher education level
- remote location with webcams, tv, and fast modes of transportation
- photos and videos to document events
Now, you would think people would be a lot more sceptic al of magical claims. Still, a large portion of the population think the same way our ancestors did…
Minor Superheroes, Part 3
Porky Pork
Has the power to smell like bacon.
Dr. Metamorpho
Can shrink his head by up to 1%.
Semi-Invisible Man
He is totally invisible, except for his skin and eyeballs…
Ant Master
Has the ability to communicate with senior gay ants.
The Fidgeter
Can fidget fast enough to create a small buzzing sound.
Mr. Anemia (also known as Edward the Biteless)
Has the ability to become paler and very fatigued on command.
The Amazing Caller
Can replicate the call of the slug, the Monarch butterfly and the centipede with an uncanny accuracy.
Bernard The Human Gazelle
Bernard can run a full 3% faster than the average untrained human being and leap further by an astonishing 7%!
Mme Zelda, The ClairVoyeur
With her magical crystal ball, she can peek into any showers, providing they are empty.
Who I am
I am a carbon-based lifeform living on a small blue planet with a solid surface, orbited by one moon, in a small solar system somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy, far off the center of the universe I am in.
I am a member of the Homo sapiens species in the great ape family, living in a Holocene Epoch of the Quaternary Period amongst a democratic society using tools as much as information.
I am taking part in a emotional/experience-sharing long term commitment with a parental component.
I was involved twice in a natural gene transfer process, resulting in two offspring who are naturally esthetically favored.
I exchange monetary gain against the process of strategically rearranging pixels on a light window that does not lead outside.
The activities that raise the Dopamine level in my brain are:
- exchanging acoustic waves with like-minded humanoid lifeforms
- transferring graphite particles on a flat sheet of dried wood paste to simulate a rearrange version of reality
- capturing light waves bouncing off solid masses for later remembrance
- using a manufactured polymer device to experience the low friction coefficient of particulated solid-form water.
Famous Last Words, part 2
- What string do I pull to open this parachute?
- My friends will think I’m a hero for skateboarding down that roof!
- I should’ve known that the bacon suit was a bad idea in the jungle! ahhhh!
- Hey buddy, your gang tattoo looks ri-di-cu-lous!
- Let’s see what cool superpower I’ll get by jumping into that drum of toxic water!
- I’m soooo tired! I’ll just get a nap on the beach before the tide rises…
- Don’t worry, I don’t think those are shark fins…
- Let me drive your plane! If you can do it, so can I.
- … and then you poke the panther like that…
- Mr. Cannibal, why are you putting BBQ sauce on me?
Who would you listen to?
I have to create a website for an important client. He gave me lengthy instructions on what he needs the website to do, the target audience, the logo, etc.
Then he left on a long business trip, with no access to phone or e-mail.
While I was starting to work on that project, my neighbor Bob, who never met my client, dropped by and told that my client telepathically gave him a brand new direction on this website.
He instructed me to change so many things about the project that it was now a totally different project. He even told me my client asked to change the name of his company! Bob, while praising my client constantly, kept insisting that the new instructions are the ones I should use. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his instructions contradict my client’s instructions.
Should I listen to my neighbor or to my client?
The answer should be pretty obvious.
In the Bible, Paul The Apostle (also known as Saint Paul or Saul of Tarsus author of 13 of the 27 books of the New testament) claims to have received instruction form a vision. He never claims to have met the historical Jesus at all. Yet, all Christians listen to Paul’s instructions, which contradict Jesus’ instructions on all important points. Jesus was supposed to be God, or at least one of the 3 parts of God.
In his letters, Paul tells people NOT to stop obeying the Jewish law (including circumcision, dietary laws, sacrificial laws, etc), while Jesus said to obey every part of it. In the Bible, Jesus was saying to people to be even more Jewish than they were!
Should Christians listen to Jesus or Paul?