As an employer, did you ever wish to stack more workers per cubic foot?

As a circus manager, did you ever want to fit even more clowns into a clown car?

As a bus driver, did you ever wish to triple the number of passengers?

Now we have a solution to those dire needs!

Introducing DelQuirk’s Ultra-Portable People. By safely collapsing bones, neatly folding muscles, removing most of the fat tissues and dehydrating most of the rest, we can now reduce people’s body’s volume by up to 72%!

Best of all, their physical appearance will stay somewhat similar to what it was before the procedure! They will just be smaller!

Now also available: foldable dehydrated pets! Just add water!

Young Earth Creationists are convinced the earth is thhhooooousands of years old, while we, BSNES (Brand Spankin’ New Earth Society), are convinced without a shadow of a doubt, that the earth is 171 years old.

Young Earth Creationists rely on blind faith to skew their judgement of the evidence based on their religious views. They also apply mental gymnastics to bend the data over backward to fit their vision.

We, on the other hand, base our knowledge on evidence alone, not on religious or philosophical biases.

Time to put on our BSNES glasses and interpret the evidence:

1. The older person who lived (from evidence of birth record) was Jeanne Calment, who died at 122 in 1997. Her mom had her at around 20 years old. So, 137 years + 20 years = 157 years. This means the earth is at least 167 years old.
2. Our experts have looked at Internet reproductions of several “fossils”, “artefact” and “ancient art”. They conquer that those are fakes created, possibly by Young Earth Creationists, to discredit the Truth.
3. There are no photographs, audio recordings or videos older than 171 years. The first photograph was taken in 1839.
4. No humans can remember a time before they were around 2 years old. So when people talk about the earth being formed thhhooooousands of years ago., ask them: “Were you there?”
5. Radiometric data from our lab clearly demonstrates that plastic forks, TVs, and even houses in our town were created only a few decades ago.

Join us next week for our evidence that the Earth is not flat or even a sphere, but is in fact a cube.

Customer Support: Dawson Robotics. How may I help you

Client: Hi, I just bought the Killer Robot 5000 Pro and there seems to be a problem with it.

Customer Support: Can you speak louder, sir? I can barely hear you.

Client:  I can’t. I’m hiding in the closet with my family and the robot is looking for us.

Customer Support: Can you describe the problem sir?

Client:  Well, I can’t stop the damn robot.

Customer Support: Did you press the STOP button on the remote control?

Client:  The first thing the robot did when I turned it on was to blast the remote with its laser.

Customer Support: Did you try the OFF switch in the back of the robot?

Client:  I can’t. It’s moving too fast and it’s firing that damn laser.

Customer Support: Did you install “Do not kill the humans” upgrade?

Client:  The what? No. I didn’t.

Customer Support: Well sir. In that case, you’ll have to wait for the robot to run out of power.

Client:  How long will it take?

Customer Support: About 18 months.

Moral of the story: always read the instructions carefully. Oh, and don’t buy a Killer Robot 5000 Pro.

1. “Is this gun loaded?”
2. My grandpa used to say: “you can’t fly until you try!”*
3. “Don’t worry, there are no more trains on these tracks. It’s safe to sleep in the tunnel.”
4. “Are you sure you’re a real surgeon?”
5. “What’s with the hoods and the chanting, guys?”
6. “What’s that fin doing in the water?”
7. “This scaffold is solid, right?”
8. “What’s the worst that could happen, really?
9. “Watch this, I saw it on Jackass!”
10. “You want a piece of me, buddy?”

* Thanks to my daughter for that one.

Cage Sleeping

2 athletes enter the cage. 1 comes out. The rules are simple: the 2 sleepers must use all the tricks in their considerable arsenal to put the other contestant to sleep. They can sign lullabies, tell long pointless boring stories or bring up images of soothing scenes. They are not allowed to rock the other contestant or pay his or her back. Only on Pay-per-View.

Nap Chess

Contestants have a minimum of 15 minutes between each move.
They must also take a 45 minute nap every 3 moves.
When they announce their move, it must be done in a whispering voice.
Now in 3D HD!

Staring Masters

2 contestant.
2 chairs.
A black background.
24 hours of intense staring.

See every gripping moments of that epic battle in HD. Don’t miss any blinks or eyebrow raises! Viewer discretion is advised.

1. Anorexic sumos
2. Scantily-clad brick layers
3. Hairy pole-dancers
4. A shaved Santa Claus
5. Drunken librarians
6. 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
7. Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
8. Sane Scientologists
9. Mini-giants and huge dwarves
10. Knotty squids