Santa used to be happy, athletic and resourceful.

He is still somewhat magical, but now he is an crippled old man, his back paralyzed with arthritis from climbing in tight chimneys for years. He is partially blind from looking at bright lights for the past century. His Alzheimer makes it very difficult to remember where to deliver the present. 3 years ago, he forgot his list on his way to deliver presents to India and had to go to a local Internet cafe in Bombay to get a copy of his list by fax.

He had to deal with globalization, employee strikes, industrial sabotage, computer hacking, and increased homeland security legislation. He was mislabeled a terrorist by the American government, following his repeated breaking and entering of the Pentagon, the White House and multiple army bases. His lawyers had to enter a secret plea bargain for his release. The breaking point happened when his trade secrets were made public on Wikileaks early last year.

The increased in air traffic made it increasingly difficult for sleigh travelling. Santa had to dodge ballistic missiles several times and went down in flames in 1988 after a reindeer was shot dead over Croatia in mid-flight. The Elf Task Force had a hard time to clean the wreckage and find all the presents — many of them gone after the looting. Christmas had to be delayed 12 hours that year.

Santa’s manufacturing is now outsourced to China. The quality is shoddy; some products are toxic, but this is the price to pay to compete in the global market.

The elves, once powerful and useful, have almost all been layed off. Binge drinking, drug use, gambling and prostitution is now afflicting the elf population of the North Pole. Rival gangs formed to control the market of BlindFun, a powerful hallucinogenic drug made of Egg Nog and windshield washed fluid.

Misses Claus, after being diagnosed with lung cancer due to her chain smoking, left Santa after she caught him cheating with a male elf. Santa’s lewd behavior has been going on for years, but in the past few years, it has been out-of-control. She had enough.

Santa drinks himself to sleep every night, reminiscing about his past glory. There used to be magic.

Your hair, like angel pasta.
Your alabaster skin, glistening with sauce.
Your toes, aching to be dipped.
Your breasts, sublime and filling.

You fulfill me with your flesh;
Appetize me on crackers;
Tease me in a sorbet;
Satisfy me for dinner.

I am saddened by this heavenly consumption,
as you will be no more to satiate my hunger.
I wish there was more of you…
Do you have a sister?

What would you expect to see if the world described in the Bible and the Qur’an were true?

1. First of all, you’d see magic. Lots of it.
2. You’d hear about people with some fantastic powers, like a guy defeating a whole army using only a jawbone. You’d see also see prophets doing real magic, like transforming a stick into a snake.
3. Once in a while, you’d hear some animals such as snakes, donkeys or ants, talking in a language you can understand and using correct grammar.
4. You’d encounter some supernatural being on a daily basis.
5. You’d witness people being miraculously cured or being brought back from the dead. You might also see zombies once in a while.
6. Many people would hear a booming voice form the sky, or from a cloud, or fire.
7. You might even see some stranger things such as fiery serpents coming from the sky or a flying chariot.

Is that fantastic and magical world part of your day to day life? Did anybody you know ever encounter any of this while NOT on drugs? Why not?

As Genghis Khan  was running into battle screaming, he thought:

” I really shouldn’t have eaten all those prunes for breakfast”

Napoleon Bonaparte though, looking at his army:

“I’m almost 5’7″ and taller than the average Frenchman… I’ll be remembered as a tall great general no doubt”

Taking his first steps on the Moon, Neil Armstrong thought:

“Can’t believe how uncomfortable that new thong is!”

Julius Caesar thought, while looking at his powerful empire:

” If only I could grow a moustache, I’d die a happy man”.

Looking for a very quiet area?
Try the Sea of tranquility, Moon
Features:

• Huge backyard
• Closest neighbors are 384,403 km (238,857 miles) away
• No atmosphere also means no sound — totally quiet and restful
• No atmosphere also means no wind, no storms, and no air pollution!
• Pristine night sky
• No traffic
• Low gravity makes it great place for golfing

Looking for the best windsurfing destination?
The constant winds on Neptune blow at more than 2000 km/h (1200 miles/hour)

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Look no further than our Mercury resort, with temperature ranging from a balmy 427°C (800°F) to a refreshing -184°C (-300°F) to cool you off.

Tired of summer?
Visit our winter resort on Pluto, where the average temperature is -236°C (-393°F).
As a bonus, a 200 lbs person will only weigh 16 lbs on Pluto!