About Clowns

What is the appropriate behavior for a clown?

  1. How much groping can he get away with?
  2. Is a clown on LSD funnier than a clown on crack?
  3. Can he make lewd comments to the female audience?
  4. Can he make sexual objects with balloons?
  5. Can he ramble to kids for 20 minutes on US foreign policies in Iraq?
  6. Are extremely crude racist jokes ok if said by his puppet?
  7. Can 2 clowns fake explicit acts on stage?
  8. Can he swear if he adds “arooni” at the end of the swear word?

What is the appropriate dress code for a clown?

  1. Are dangling extremities ok to show if painted?
  2. How much blood is too much on a clown’s face?
  3. Can he carry a shotgun?
  4. Can he get clown makeup tattooed on his face to save time?
  5. Can he wear crotchless pants?

The REAL Survivor

Surviving means to overcome life-threatening dangers and stay alive.
You can only say you survived a hay ride if it’s on fire going down a cliff, and you don’t die.

Unlike the TV show, where the harshest things contestants have to survive to are lame activities and deceptive mind games from annoying competitors, the REAL Survivor goes a bit further in testing the human spirit. Here are a few deadly activities that would amusing to watch for the hard-to-please audience:

  1. Chased by 50 skilled tribesmen with blow guns, contestants wearing only a red Speedo hop with their feet bound and try to capture the flag, while trying to avoid the poison darts.
  2. Naked and covered in BBQ sauce, contestants have to take meat away from the lions, then eat as much as possible of that raw meat while running full speed toward the save zone, 2 km away.
  3. Contestants carrying uncooked ground beef in their bathing suit have to cross a river full of piranhas. The first to reach the other side wins immunity. Whoever is still alive goes to the next round.

Ode to the Perfect Pet

Nothing fuming to pick up from the carpet.
No midnight rumble with a plastic bag.
No chewed shoes because you’re bored.
No hairy cushions left behind.
No forced walk in the cold with a wrapped dangling gift.
No clumping litter to change, ever.
No piling vet, psychologist and psychic bills
No seasonal mermaid calls at 3am.
No embarrassing knit sweater to buy.

Only quiet contemplation.
Only silent approval.
And a monthly dusting seance.

You are the perfect pet, my glass hippo.

Lame Geometric Superheroes

Circulon, master of flowy Aikido, circular sweeps and roundhouse kicks, is his best when cirled by the ennemy. He fights crime with his brothers Squarex, Triangulor and Ovoloid.

Their arch-enemy, Free-Form Sam, tries to input irregular thoughts in their heads with The Pattern, a virus conceived by his head scientist, Geomitrus.

How to Break Bones in a Good Way

Several options are even more glamorous to break bones than doing drunken breakdancing in your bathtub or slipping in your icy driveway with your arms full of grocery bags. When backyard wrestling is not available in your neighborhood, you can try:

BASE Jumping
BASE stands for Building, Antenna, Span & Earth. It means jumping from a tall building, a tall antenna, a tall bridge of a tall cliff. I’m saying tall because your parachute might have a problem opening from a 37 foot cliff. A full body cast for 2 years is not as cool as a 45 second perfect fall with a smooth landing, posted on Youtube. BASE Jumping can be made more exciting by putting a lead suit and jumping over a busy highway during a hurricane.

Street Luge
The idea here is to lay down on an oversized skateboard and go down a steep street. One version of this sport is to wear a special suit with a wheel on every joint of your body, so you can change position while going full speed toward a certain death.
Train Hopping
If you want to feel like a hero in an action film, there is nothing better then to jump on the roof of a running train. The potential for joyful life-threatening injuries are endless! To make things more fun, you should wear roller blades and a wingsuit during that activity.

Group Blindfolded Sumo Wrestling
One regular guy is covered with HP sauce and is thrown in a cage with 12 starving blindfolded sumos. The longevity record is 42 seconds.