About admin

I’m from a long line of space aliens that were dropped here to observe and report.

I’m also a atheist graphic designer/web developer from Toronto.

Hordes of nice barbarians

The Smilites were Norse barbarians who invaded Europe in the 3rd century AD.

Contrary to other hordes of barbarians, the Smilites were polite, well kept and very helpful to the local populations. They were known to repaint houses, maintain gardens, babysit children, groom pets and renovate public buildings. They also had great signing voices and were able to knit at an incredible speed.

A few weeks after they had invaded a town, the streets were spotless, people were happier and their children had more toys.

Unfortunately, history remembers only the bad barbarians…

Human Life

Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) always placed human life separate from other life on Earth.

When we look at how humans are made, it is obvious we are not separate at all from other lifeforms nor we are separate from the planet we live in.

99% of the mass of the human body is made up of just six elements: Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and Phosphorus. The rest is composed of elements such as Potassium, Sulfur and Sodium. We can find all the elements we’re made of in our environment, here on Earth.

All those elements are held together by the same atomic forces we see in the rest of the physical world.

Our physiology, chemistry and even behavior is consistent with the other animal lifeforms on Earth. We have the same skeletal, digestive, muscular, cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive system as apes, for example. Most of our DNA is the same as most other animal species on Earth.

If we would have been magically created fully formed, we could expect to function under unique principles. Why would we need organs to convert food into energy? Why would we have vestigial organs? Why would we need neurons to think and memorize things? If we came from the realm of magic, why can’t we see a single trace of magic around us?

To realize that we are part of the natural world on all levels can actually be quite comforting. It confirms that we do belong right here, on Earth.

Secret to Bad Movies Discovered

Why do US blockbuster movies seem so bad these days?

Our team of 20,001 seasoned investigative journalists uncovered the reason: they are written automatically by a software.

ScriptMaster 5000 Pro combines words to create a master idea, picks a setting in random, with more weight given to popular landmarks in the United States, such as Time Square and Madison Square Garden. By randomly combining plot elements from older movies and headlines of the past year of popular newspaper, the software then develops the intrigue. It makes sure it has the proper dosage of cliche comedic scenes, non-lethal car chases, and superficial drama.

When the actors are picked using a auto-casting popularity algorithm, it then generates the poster using the 2 main characters, sends it to the printer and to all affiliate movie theaters though the automated distribution agent.

Ultra-Portable People

As an employer, did you ever wish to stack more workers per cubic foot?

As a circus manager, did you ever want to fit even more clowns into a clown car?

As a bus driver, did you ever wish to triple the number of passengers?

Now we have a solution to those dire needs!

Introducing DelQuirk’s Ultra-Portable People. By safely collapsing bones, neatly folding muscles, removing most of the fat tissues and dehydrating most of the rest, we can now reduce people’s body’s volume by up to 72%!

Best of all, their physical appearance will stay somewhat similar to what it was before the procedure! They will just be smaller!

Now also available: foldable dehydrated pets! Just add water!

Age of the Earth

Young Earth Creationists are convinced the earth is thhhooooousands of years old, while we, BSNES (Brand Spankin’ New Earth Society), are convinced without a shadow of a doubt, that the earth is 171 years old.

Young Earth Creationists rely on blind faith to skew their judgement of the evidence based on their religious views. They also apply mental gymnastics to bend the data over backward to fit their vision.

We, on the other hand, base our knowledge on evidence alone, not on religious or philosophical biases.

Time to put on our BSNES glasses and interpret the evidence:

  1. The older person who lived (from evidence of birth record) was Jeanne Calment, who died at 122 in 1997. Her mom had her at around 20 years old. So, 137 years + 20 years = 157 years. This means the earth is at least 167 years old.
  2. Our experts have looked at Internet reproductions of several “fossils”, “artefact” and “ancient art”. They conquer that those are fakes created, possibly by Young Earth Creationists, to discredit the Truth.
  3. There are no photographs, audio recordings or videos older than 171 years. The first photograph was taken in 1839.
  4. No humans can remember a time before they were around 2 years old. So when people talk about the earth being formed thhhooooousands of years ago., ask them: “Were you there?”
  5. Radiometric data from our lab clearly demonstrates that plastic forks, TVs, and even houses in our town were created only a few decades ago.

Join us next week for our evidence that the Earth is not flat or even a sphere, but is in fact a cube.

Killer Robot 5000 Pro

Customer Support: Dawson Robotics. How may I help you

Client: Hi, I just bought the Killer Robot 5000 Pro and there seems to be a problem with it.

Customer Support: Can you speak louder, sir? I can barely hear you.

Client:  I can’t. I’m hiding in the closet with my family and the robot is looking for us.

Customer Support: Can you describe the problem sir?

Client:  Well, I can’t stop the damn robot.

Customer Support: Did you press the STOP button on the remote control?

Client:  The first thing the robot did when I turned it on was to blast the remote with its laser.

Customer Support: Did you try the OFF switch in the back of the robot?

Client:  I can’t. It’s moving too fast and it’s firing that damn laser.

Customer Support: Did you install “Do not kill the humans” upgrade?

Client:  The what? No. I didn’t.

Customer Support: Well sir. In that case, you’ll have to wait for the robot to run out of power.

Client:  How long will it take?

Customer Support: About 18 months.

Moral of the story: always read the instructions carefully. Oh, and don’t buy a Killer Robot 5000 Pro.

Famous Last Words

  1. “Is this gun loaded?”
  2. My grandpa used to say: “you can’t fly until you try!”*
  3. “Don’t worry, there are no more trains on these tracks. It’s safe to sleep in the tunnel.”
  4. “Are you sure you’re a real surgeon?”
  5. “What’s with the hoods and the chanting, guys?”
  6. “What’s that fin doing in the water?”
  7. “This scaffold is solid, right?”
  8. “What’s the worst that could happen, really?
  9. “Watch this, I saw it on Jackass!”
  10. “You want a piece of me, buddy?”

* Thanks to my daughter for that one.

Most Boring Sports Ever

Cage Sleeping

2 athletes enter the cage. 1 comes out. The rules are simple: the 2 sleepers must use all the tricks in their considerable arsenal to put the other contestant to sleep. They can sign lullabies, tell long pointless boring stories or bring up images of soothing scenes. They are not allowed to rock the other contestant or pay his or her back. Only on Pay-per-View.

Nap Chess

Contestants have a minimum of 15 minutes between each move.
They must also take a 45 minute nap every 3 moves.
When they announce their move, it must be done in a whispering voice.
Now in 3D HD!

Staring Masters

2 contestant.
2 chairs.
A black background.
24 hours of intense staring.

See every gripping moments of that epic battle in HD. Don’t miss any blinks or eyebrow raises! Viewer discretion is advised.

10 things we usually don’t think about

  1. Anorexic sumos
  2. Scantily-clad brick layers
  3. Hairy pole-dancers
  4. A shaved Santa Claus
  5. Drunken librarians
  6. 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
  7. Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
  8. Sane Scientologists
  9. Mini-giants and huge dwarves
  10. Knotty squids

10 things we usually don’t think about

  1. Anorexic sumos
  2. Scantily-clad brick layers
  3. Hairy pole-dancers
  4. A shaved Santa Claus
  5. Drunken librarians
  6. 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
  7. Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
  8. Sane Scientologists
  9. Mini-giants and huge dwarves
  10. Knotty squids

A few observations about religions…

  1. Certain cults are called mythologies (like the Greek, Roman, Celtic, Aztec, etc) while some others (Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism) are called religions. Keep in mind that they all include magic, talking creatures and magical creatures.
  2. Zombies are ficticious, unless the central character of your religion is himself a zombie.
  3. Do religious people apply the same “open mindedness” or “faith” when it comes to UFO, unicorns or astrology? If they believe a talking donkey or miracles, then surely they can believe in UFO, unicorns or astrology.
  4. When a non-evangelical Christian reads The Bible and it sounds stupid, it’s a metaphor — if it sounds sensible (in their country, time and level of knowledge), then they can take it literally. For example, the creation in 6 days is often taken metaphorically, while “love thy neighbors” is not.
  5. Did you notice that beliefs from all over the world always suspiciously include elements from their own surroundings and own time?

When science goes wrong!

  1. Billy inadvertently created a black hole in the washing machine by mixing white and colored clothes.
  2. Joan spliced her genes by wearing her spliced jeans wayyyyy too tight.
  3. Robert’s army of monkey men are not going to help him conquer the world. He spent all his money buying them diapers…
  4. Maggie tripped over a crease in the space-time continuum.
  5. Bob caught his mutant robot humping his dad’s truck.
  6. Martin put 2 alarm clocks face to face with a time difference of 1 second, which allowed him to travel back in time. Unfortunately, he only went back in time 1 second.
  7. Becca cloned herself but sneezed during the procedure. All her clones came out fuzzy.
  8. John, an alchemy student, transmutated something into gold. His wife will surely be impressed by the golden rod in his shorts.
  9. The team was able to miniaturize a cell phone the size of a grain of salt. Unfortunetely, Professor Matthews coughed.
  10. Bill successfully achieved partial invisibility of his body. He is now working on making his left side invisible.

A story about a puppy

A man bought a puppy.
He told it not to touch his cupcake.
The puppy did not obey.
So the man hurt the puppy.
The man will also hurt his puppy’s puppies and all the generations that will come from it. He will do this forever.

Do you think it’s fair?
Do you think it’s just?
Do you think it’s deserved?

  1. Will the endless pain of the puppies solve the obedience problem of the first puppy?
  2. Was the puppy aware that by disobeying one simple command, it would have all its descendant hurt, forever?
  3. Was the consequence explained to the puppy?
  4. Was the puppy capable of understanding the concept of consequence, pain or eternity?

That, my friends, is the biblical concept of the Fall of Man.

Does it make any sense to you?

New Horrible Summer Camps

Lifeskills Camp for 5-8yr

Want your kids to learn how to deal with the real world? Here is your chance! They will learn valuable skills in a fun environment:

  • Coping with personal failure
  • How to deal with hookers
  • How to reduce your debt by selling your organs
  • How to reconstruct your life after a rotten childhood
  • Learning which hard drug to do to avoid permanent damage
  • 13 ways to get out of paying rent

Jungle Fun for 8-12yr

In this 12 week camp, your children will learn jungle-based character-building skills like:

  • How to survive in the jungle on your their own for 11 weeks
  • Knowing your poisonous mushrooms
  • How to escape blood-thirsty predators at night
  • Yummy insects 101
  • How to fight off cannibal tribes
  • How to cook a cannibal

Rage in the Cage Day camp

Let your kids learn the secret of a clean knock-out while they are young through a series of half-day workshops:

  • The magic of the groin kick
  • Headbuts are fun
  • Make your friends pass out from chokes
  • The art of going bezerk
  • Illegal mmoves are winning moves

Mental filters

We say imagination is boundless, but is it really? We all impose, voluntarily or not, limits and biases on our thoughts. Those limitations can include:

  1. your basic assumptions (people are good, magic does exist, anything is possible, there is an invisible realm, we are all connected, etc)
  2. the amount of knowledge you have
  3. your ability to interpolate and extrapolate
  4. your idea of what reality is
  5. what you consider possible or impossible
  6. your cultural frame of reference
  7. your mental taboos — what you don’t allow yourself to think; things too awful to even think of
  8. your ability to create links between elements
  9. the state of your memory (your mental storage capacity as well as the efficiency of your data retrieval process)
  10. your willingness to explore new concepts

What guidelines, limits, assumptions or framework does your mind operate on?

Dichotomy

Are you seriously religious?

If so, you have to believe in magic. The 3 Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) are filled with magical acts and magical creatures. How does the belief in magic affect your daily life?

  1. Do you invoke angels for assistance when you have a tight deadline or a lack of resources at work?
  2. Do you pray and get divine intervention right away, every time?
  3. Do you rely on magic instead of calculations to accomplish your job?
  4. Do you refrain yourself from getting a life insurance policy, because you know you only have to ask God and you shall receive? If so, did you also quit your job?
  5. If you are a Calvinist (believe in pre-determination — that everything is God’s will), did you stop working when you realized that whatever you do; it’s God’s plan for you?
  6. Do you go to the zoo expecting some animals to talk, like in the Bible?
  7. Do you do something to protect yourself against the Evil Eye?
  8. Did you buy a convertible car so you don’t bash your head against the roof when the Rapture comes?

Marketing Claims

  1. “This beer is so cold you’ll loose most of your fingers from hypothermia just by holding the can!”.
  2. “This rejuvenation face cream will make you look like a newborn in just 3 weeks”.
  3. “Our new hybrid sedan is so efficient, it spews gasoline instead of consuming it!”
  4. “Our new SUV is so spacious, you and your extended family can live in it for years, like most of our consumers do!”
  5. “Our interest rate is so low, we’re paying you load of money a week to buy our crap!”
  6. “No payment, no interest, no hidden fees, no restocking fee and no administrative fee for 120 years!”
  7. “No payment, no interest for 1 year. Only an easy-breezy 257% convenience fee applies!”
  8. “Our new Lazer Mach 17 DuoCore Stealth Pro Magnum Razor is so fast it will leave you deaf from the afterburner sound!
  9. “You’ll look so good in your new Armani suit that hordes of itchy toothless homeless women will want to snuggle up with you!”
  10. “This manly perfume will totally change your lifestyle, bring supermodels and that huge promotion to you, but will leave you impotent.”

6-Word Stories — Part 7

  1. Clowns riding dragons… Terror from above!
  2. New body modification: plastic dolls implants!
  3. New body modification: total face splitting!
  4. Clones: buy one get one free!
  5. Attack butterflies: the new silent killer.
  6. Inflatable houses: beware of large bees!
  7. Smimming straight across Atlantic Ocean. Tired!

What do you call God?

  1. Is it the spark that make us do beautiful things and have pure thoughts?
  2. Is it the sum of all laws of physics, the cause of all things?
  3. Is it a jealous, fear-inspiring, genocidal but also just and forgiving anthropomorphic character?
  4. Is it a purely good, just, all-powerful and benevolent entity?
  5. Is is a fictional character people invented to explain things before science?
  6. Is it a personal friend with whom you have a direct relationship?

IF… THEN…

IF you believe there is an all wise and all powerful God, creator of the whole universe,
THEN you must listen to what he has to say.

IF you think God wrote or at least inspired a book,
THEN you must read it and accept every word of it.

IF you accept every word of it,
THEN you must obey every parts of it.

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your children to death if they disobey you.
(Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone homosexuals to death.
(Leviticus 20:13)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your fiancee if she is raped.
(Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your wife if she is not a virgin on your wedding night.
(Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody who worship a different god than yours.
(Deuteronomy 17:2-5)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone all wizards (if you can find some).
(Leviticus 20:27)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that works on Saturday.
(Numbers 15:32-56)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that is blaspheming.
(Leviticus 24:16)
Do you believe there is a god who created the whole universe?
Do you believe he wrote or inspired a book?
Did you read every word of it?
Do you apply every commands in it?
If not, why?

You should start piling up stones because you have a lot of work ahead of you.

IF… THEN…

IF you believe there is an all wise and all powerful God, creator of the whole universe,
THEN you must listen to what he has to say.

IF you think God wrote or at least inspired a book,
THEN you must read it and accept every word of it.

IF you accept every word of it,
THEN you must obey every parts of it.

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your children to death if they disobey you.
(Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone homosexuals to death.
(Leviticus 20:13)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your fiancee if she is raped.
(Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your wife if she is not a virgin on your wedding night.
(Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody who worship a different god than yours.
(Deuteronomy 17:2-5)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone all wizards (if you can find some).
(Leviticus 20:27)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that works on Saturday.
(Numbers 15:32-56)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that is blaspheming.
(Leviticus 24:16)
Do you believe there is a god who created the whole universe?
Do you believe he wrote or inspired a book?
Did you read every word of it?
Do you apply every commands in it?
If not, why?

You should start piling up stones because you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Women apparently cause earthquakes.

Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi, senior Iranian cleric,told his worshippers on Friday: “Many women who dress inappropriately … cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes,”. He also added “Calamities are the result of people’s deeds…. We have no way but [to] conform to Islam to ward off dangers.”

I then realized that my geology teachers lied to me for years. Those teachers made up words like “tectonic plates”, “subduction”, “moho layer” as well as concepts such as magma convection and divergent boundaries to explain earthquakes.

All that time wasted studying science when in fact, girls only have to cover up. It’s so simple!

If women would listen to men, we could have averted the devastating earthquake that killed 803,000 in China in 1556, 300,230 in the Indonesia tsunami in 2004, and 230,000 in Haiti earlier this year.

I’m ready to accept that natural disasters are the result of sin. After all, if bronze age desert people believed in it, it must be true. I have a few questions though:

Does the number of uncovered women affect the type of natural disaster or only its magnitude?

Does the choice of the uncovered part have an impact on the natural disasters we deserve?

Is a visible shoulder worst than  visible hair? Does cleavage bring in more thunder than an exposed stomach? If it is the case, then surely topless beaches, nude camps and swingers clubs must be bombarded by meteors and lightning bolts all the time, no?

I suggest we pay more attention to ancient texts and traditions and stop wasting time learning “science” and thinking rationally. I also suggest covering up women, men, children and small dogs to avoid the wrath of God. Of course, we’d have to obey all the demands of ALL the gods ever imagined by people since the dawn of time. What do you think?

6-Word Stories — Part 6

  1. When I run, background music starts.
  2. Monster in the basement. Get rope…
  3. Marathon starts. Laces untied. Huge pileup.
  4. Flying jetpack really high. Need jacket.
  5. Travelling by catapult. Missed a bit.
  6. I am an amnesic time traveller.
  7. I mastered the one-note song.
  8. Base jumping, train surfing. Getting tired.
  9. Gremlins under bed. Release the werewolf.

Personal Friend

I have a friend named Julius Caesar, ex-Roman Emperor. Shortly after his death, he was sanctified as a deity. He’s a great guy who listens to me, advises me on a wide range of problems I’m facing, and who gives me hope and moral support when I need it. Although he lived a little more than 2,000 ago, he is still very much relevant to my life and what I’m going through. I talk to him on a daily basis and he answers me, in my head. He is invisible but I can feel his presence around me, like a comforting blanket.

Am I privileged to have a personal relationship with a god or am I just plain delusional?

Does it make a difference what the name of that imaginary friend is?

6-word Stories — Part 5

  1. Beautiful mermaid, but smells like fish.
  2. Silky smooth werewolf = expensive Brazilian waxing!
  3. Impaled by unicorn. Should have believed…
  4. Angels caught in tornado. Dizzy angels…
  5. Sad Leprechauns… No gold, just Interact!
  6. Ghosts fuzzy near cellphone towers. Progress?
  7. Sea monsters scared… Now an aphrodisiac.
  8. Vampires ashamed. They saw Twilight too!

6-word Stories — Part 4

  1. Base jumping. Very windy day. Ahhhhhhhh!
  2. Clown costume. Scared children. Fly open.
  3. Bear attack. Friend filming. Youtube upload!
  4. Huge headache. Guillotine. No more headache!
  5. Born. Live. Die. Repeat. Thanks reincarnation!
  6. Jumping canyon in car. Miscalculated distance…
  7. Joining cult. Noticing guns. Geting out!
  8. Teleportator miscalibrated. Now part of wall…
  9. Sad clown. Cheap prostitute. Happy clown!
  10. Food fight stopped. No pumpkins allowed!

You vs Knowledge

What is your relation with knowledge?

Do you think of knowledge as an external entity limited to schools? If so, does it make you uncomfortable because it changes your mental map of the world and reality?

Do you crave knowledge? Do you consider it a way to expand your reality?

Are you frustrated when you study a field and discover that the amount of information on the topic is far greater than what you initially estimated? Does it frustrate you to never have a complete grasp of a field, even less of reality?

Do you have the impression that the more you learn, the more you notice vast hidden rooms you never thought existed in your mental representation of reality?

The Beauty of Magic.

Where do humans come from?

How did the universe begin?

If the Earth of really round, how come Chinese people don’t fall off, eh? Stomped now right?

When we don’t have a full explanation, when we don’t understand the detailed complex explanation given, or when we don’t even bother doing a basic research, the easiest thing to do is to point to magic.

Magic is a truly wonderful tool to explain complex concepts with no efforts. It doesn’t require previous knowledge or experimentation; you don’t even have to open a single book! It is easier to invoke magic than to listen to arguments, understand the underlying principles or look at the evidence. You can also substitute the word “magic” for “God” if you are evangelical.

So many forces…

You think your initial physical traits and your behavioral patterns come from genetics and your environments. You think you can use free will to steer your life? Wrong!

So many forces are acting on your life without your control.  You are simply a bobbing pawn in an ocean of external forces.

The following forces have an influence on your character, your level of luck, your whole structure as a human being as well as any event that happens or doesn’t happen to you:

  • the day and year you were born
  • the planets and constellations alignment at the time
  • the combined daily horoscope from all newspaper and websites
  • the chain letter email you do or don’t forward
  • any curse or blessings people give you. Those include voodoo dolls, charms, spells, incantations and potions.
  • the evil eye you receive
  • an ladder you step under, any black cats you cross, anything with the number 13, any mirrors you break, any salt you pour over your shoulder to counter an evil force
  • the will and plan of any gods past or present
  • whether you touch wood or not when you notice you are lucky
  • any good luck charm you wear
  • the energy in a particular location
  • the will of any invisible creature, such as ghost, angel, fairy, etc.
  • the telluric currents (underground low-level electrical grid) that happen to cross your house, mostly your bed
  • any actions you did or habit you had in one of your numerous past lives

Do you think that not believing in those eternal forces is enough to cut the invisible ties and make you master of your destiny?

So many forces…

You think your initial physical traits and your behavioral patterns come from genetics and your environments. You think you can use free will to steer your life? Wrong!

So many forces are acting on your life without your control.  You are simply a bobbing pawn in an ocean of external forces.

The following forces have an influence on your character, your level of luck, your whole structure as a human being as well as any event that happens or doesn’t happen to you:

  • the day and year you were born
  • the planets and constellations alignment at the time
  • the combined daily horoscope from all newspaper and websites
  • the chain letter email you do or don’t forward
  • any curse or blessings people give you. Those include voodoo dolls, charms, spells, incantations and potions.
  • the evil eye you receive
  • an ladder you step under, any black cats you cross, anything with the number 13, any mirrors you break, any salt you pour over your shoulder to counter an evil force
  • the will and plan of any gods past or present
  • whether you touch wood or not when you notice you are lucky
  • any good luck charm you wear
  • the energy in a particular location
  • the will of any invisible creature, such as ghost, angel, fairy, etc.
  • the telluric currents (underground low-level electrical grid) that happen to cross your house, mostly your bed
  • any actions you did or habit you had in one of your numerous past lives

Do you think that not believing in those eternal forces is enough to cut the invisible ties and make you master of your destiny?

6-Word Stories — Part 3

  1. Zombies on fire. Get your marshmallows!
  2. Parachute broken. Ground coming fast. Splat!
  3. Cloning works fine now… Closet full!
  4. Cannibal neighbor. Dinner invitation. Great meal!
  5. Inflatable girlfriend. Should not buy cactus.
  6. Tiny barking dog. Big scary shoes.
  7. Jetpack malfunction. Looking down. Oh no!
  8. Mission to Mars. Forgot my pills.
  9. Writing memoirs. Great time for amnesia…
  10. Alien abduction true. Colon still hurting.

Scary Fighter Names

It is common for fighters to use a nickname. Usually, it’s something macho and aggressive such as “The Beast”, “The Destroyer” or “Tank”. Here are a few suggestions for scarier names for guys in tight speedos grappling and sweating in 69:

  1. John “Sweaty Blob” Stevenson
  2. Allan “Fart Machine” Mendoza
  3. Max “The Groper” Davison
  4. François “Erected Perv” Cassis
  5. Frank “Stink Bomb” Klein
  6. Vladimir “3 Balls” Rudensky
  7. Hikoshi “The Vomiter” Matasho
  8. Romeo “Ex-lax” O’Neil
  9. Lance “The Impaler” Smith (formerly known as “Backdoor Surprise”)
  10. Rodrigo “14 inch Snake” Patcheti

Reach for the Stars and Beyond

Are you refereed to as “a force of nature to be reckoned with” on a regular basis?
Do people talk about you as “a visionary light years ahead of his/her time”?
Are you called “the most important agent of change of our third millennium society”?
Are you ‘”the last strand of hope for democracy and capitalism”?

No?

Then you need our “Reach for the Stars and Beyond” personal building course!

FIRST, we’ll break you to pieces with the help of our boot camp marines yelling officers in our intensive 14 month program. You’ll live in the damp and cold woods, with highly trained snipers hunting you down using live ammo day and night. You’ll become a scared animal, running on instinct only. You’ll be forced to eat moss and potentially deadly mushrooms to survive. Your psyche will be crushed into a fine mental powder, then be blown away by the wind of contempt and despair. You will forget your name. You will forget your life. You will forget your humanity. You will wish you were dead.

BUT, at the last moment — just before you sink into a permanent hallucinogenic dementia — one of our certified premium professional master life coach will grab you from the muck and bring you back to life.

We’ll rebuild you from the ground up. You’ll learn how to crawl, walk and run. You’ll re-learn how to speak coherently and better.than ever before Our personal trainers will transform the crawling Golem you’ve become into a tall-walking proud human gem. Our team of plastic surgeons will change everything about you, to make you so beautiful people will faint at your approach. They will alter your skeletal structure, your profile, your skin, your hair, your eye color, your speech, your posture and your DNA.

Our army of expert-life coaches will change your presence, your vocabulary, your charisma, your knowledge base, your habits and your life force.

Soon, you’ll get a new name and a new family — a better family. You’ll want nothing to do with the slobs at home.

NOW you will be ready to achieve greatness. NOW you will access real power. NOW you will be able to reshape humanity as we know it.

Call now and become a new person. A better person.

First 1,500 callers will get a cruel reality-check.

What do they really mean?

1) Your neighbor says:
— How you doin’?

That innocent-sounding question reveals a deep interest in your life. You have the moral obligation of telling your neighbor a detailed point by point update of what is going on in your life since last time he asked you that question.

Start by financial, health, career, family dynamics, then go to fears, joys, deceptions and contemplative states you were in. Then you can go deeper in the report.

2) You sneeze and the stranger on the bus says:
— God bless you!

What kind of blessing does he wish upon you?
How will he track the results?
Does he have the power to appeal to a divine entity directly?
If he has the power to bestow blessings upon you, does he have the power to curse you as well?
What other powers does he possess?

3) You colleague tells you he had not been sick this year, then he adds, while touching wood:

— Touch wood!

Does the type of wood make a difference?
Does it matter if you touch wood with one finger, a full hand or if you lie down naked on a wooden desk every time you say that magical sentence?
If you touch plastic instead, will you have bad luck?
Are there any double-blind studies on the benefits of touching wood?

Real or Fake Science?

I heard au audio recording of The Big Bang, that led to the expansion of the universe. It was REALLY loud!

I found how to change the 24h days to 26 h days. All we have to do is build 20km tall North-South walls across the length of North & South America, Europe, Africa and Asia. This should slow down the Earth rotation enough to gain a few hours.

Scientists found a new enzyme that, once fed to enemy populations, make them glow in the dark. They are then much easier to spot at night.

Maxus Pharmaceutical developed a product allowing to temporarily alter the chromosome pairs of a person. It allows the Y chromosome in males to be temporarily dormant while duplicating the X chromosome, thus transforming a male into a female. Another product simulates a Y chromosome in a female to temporarily transform her into a male. The effects last 1 or 2 days.

Terraforming is the act of transforming a barren planet into one that can support human life. This includes converting the atmosphere into one breathable by humans, creating water sources and soil where plants can grow. NASA started terraforming the moon, Mars as well as 2 moons of Jupiter. We should be able to have colonies on those places in about 2 years.

If Office People Acted Like Children

“Honey, I got a new job in the marketing department. The pay is a lot less, but they have cupcakes on Fridays.”

“Boss, Simmons is looking at me!”

“Mr. Vice-President, Peterson is making faces at me again!”

“Boss, can you go wipe McLauren. He’s in the third stall crying.”

“Linda in management is 2 years younger than me. I can lift her.”

“Boss, Lewis doesn’t want to share his stapler!”

“Boss, Matthew used the S word!”

“Great crayon presentation, O’Connor!”

“Don’t bug Claudia today, OK? She didn’t had her nap and she’s cranky.”

“This years, instead of a bonus, we have stickers for everybody!”

How to be a Good Creationist

Who wants to do real science? Science is hard, you have to study for a long time, learn formulas and concepts, devise experiments, validate and analyze the results, write and publish in-depth articles explaining your research for peer review in science magazines, run, work in or deal with a lab as well as often apply for grants.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just get ALL your answers directly from ONE book? Instead of studying evolutionary biology, molecular biology, genetics, neurology, paleontology, archeology, geochronology, geology, geomorphology, climatology, astronomy, cosmology, physics or chemistry, as well as how to use machines such as a electron microscope or  mass spectrometer, you can just read clips of ONE book. Can’t get easier. That book contains ALL the answers. If you want, you can spend some time glancing over a science glossary just to have the gist of what the scientific words are in order to argue with those “scientist”.

Here are a few trick to make you a better creationist:

Argumentation & Methods

Start by general statements that give the impression that you have the answers relating to those statements, such as “Ever wondered where we come from, where we are going, and how you can be a better person?”

Always start with the conclusion, then find semi-relevant non-confirmed anecdotes to support your position. If you don’t, you might end up with a different conclusion. We all know there is only 1 conclusion possible: the Word of God.

Mix several disciplines and concepts into the general label “Evolution”, such as geology, geomorphology, abiogenesis, astronomy, physics, cosmology, evolutionary biology, genetics, paleontology, theory of evolution by natural selection, etc. You are also allowed to mix in gravity and naturalism.

Equate “evolution” and science in general with godlessness. Make the audience think that if they accept “evolution”, they are rejecting the Word of God and God Himself.

Use several logical techniques (called logical fallacies by our opponents) during arguments, such as moving the goal post, Ad hominem, argument from authority, Confusing association with causation, false dichotomy, strawmen attacks, etc. Those will help you achieve a point without having to give a full solid argument or show data supporting your position.

Conflate facts about evolution to give a different picture, no matter when those things were thought to be true. Bring back ideas from the 1800s along with discredited ideas from the 1950s to give the impression that “scientist” are in agreement with those ideas.

Insist that “scientist” are not agreeing, are divided, or even confused over their own theories.

Refute ANY claims that humans have things in common with animals, even if “scientists” demonstrate that our human biology is identical to the ones of animals. Play the emotional card. Ask the audience if they are monkeys.

Attack Charles Darwin’s character as “evolutionists” think he’s a god. Tell the audience he was a drunk and that he recanted his “theory” on his death bed. You do not need to worry about citing sources for these allegations.

When debating an “evolutionist”, use a technique called “surfacing”: quickly change topics and disciplines to avoid in-depth discussion on a single topic. It will give the audience the impression that you are confident and a master of many disciplines.

Call atheists, “Darwinists” and “evolutionists” a religion based on faith alone. Call the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection a fairy-tale. Insist that “scientists” have to “believe”.

Always use the popular meaning of the word “theory” to equate it with “hypothesis”, “idea” or “guess”.  Never use the word “theory” in its scientific meaning, which is an explanation or model based on observation, experimentation, and reasoning that has been tested and confirmed as a general principle helping to explain and predict natural phenomena. Repeat to the audience: “evolution is a theory, not a fact“. Do not go into details about the implications of that assertion for the natural world.

When confronted by “scientist” about our lack of experiments, cite a few experiments from our suggested list. Do not give details about who did the experiments, the data source, methodology, instrumentation & calibration, experiment replication or analysis. Focus solely on the conclusion. If they grill you on the absence of creationist paper published by mainstream scientific publications, invoke ostracism for our beliefs and scientific conspiracies.

When interviewed by mainstream media outlets, insist we only want fairness in classes. We want children to have an open mind about the different theories. When talking about Intelligent Design, do not talk about Creationism. That word is no longer in use as it has too much of a religion connotation. Intelligent Design sounds more modern and serious. Do not worry, it is only a name change, as all concepts and notions  of Creationism are still valid. Please change topics if someone from the media or a debater is asking about if other theories (such as the Flat Earth, Astrology, Alchemy, African Creation Myth, etc) should also be thought in science class.

Do not refer to yourself as an “Intelligent Designer” but as a “proponent of Intelligent Design” (of ID).

Data & Support

Often refer to your DVDs, seminars or blog. This will give you the instant credentials of implied deep research without having to explain if those are even relevant to the discussion.

Deny that any evidence has ever been found on topics such as the theory of evolution. Ignore the multiple example of transitional forms offered by “scientists”. Keep repeating that we have not found any evidence over and over.

Learn to deflect arguments by showing funny slides that are not related to the topic. For example, if a “scientist” talk about evolution, show a slide of a a rock, a monkey, and a grandmother and say: “So, you think that rock transformed into that monkey, then into Grandma?” Wait for applause and laugh from your uneducated crown.

Use irrelevant example to simulate the argumentative position of your opponent, such as: “I’ve never seen cats give birth to dog, have you?” Wait for cheers. Slay your audience by showing our venerable crocoduck image.

Do not engage “scientists” into in-depth debate using data. Data is NOT your friend. Refrain from using it.

Whenever you are using example, try to use folksy images, simple language — things regular folks can relate to, such as Grandpa, hunting, small numbers, etc.

Show drawing of people with dinosaur to illustrate your point. People will forget the complex topics and only remember those images. Graph are OK to show if they have only 1 curve, a large, simple title and seem to reinforce your position. Credits or data source are not welcomed.

Talk about the Creation Museum several times. If it’s in a museum, it MUST be true.

You can use the products of “science” such as microwaves, cell phones, MRI, X-Rays, HD TV, digital cameras, and your SUV, But remember, even if a principle is valid in making those things work, that principle is NOT valid if it contradicts The Bible. Radioactive decay is absolutely real and valid unless it is used to estimate the age of the Earth to more than 6,000 years old.

Use famous hoaxes, artist renditions and examples of rogue data to discredit entire science disciplines. Talk about a mammoth’s bones that was carton-dated thousand of years older than its skin. Do not cite source or the fact that no “real scientist” ever took them seriously.

Identity & Authority

Wear appropriate close to show you care about science, such as a dinosaur tie and a lab coat.

Boast your credentials but under NO circumstance, explain where you got your degree. “Scientists” tend to disparage your science degree from Church of Christ Rosary Evangelical Academy of Real Good Science. Referring to yourself as Dr. Dino or Chemist John is a good way to establish credentials. Equate teaching highschool science in a evangelical school of 23 students with being a real scientist.

When you say a big number, you MUST emphasize the first syllable by elongating it. It will enhance the incredulity factor by up to 350%. Do not emphasize the word Thousand,, as you don’t want people to think even that unit is out of reach and hard to imagine. For example:
“Scientist” say this fossil is 265 Milllllllions year old and the Earth if 4.5 Billllllllions year old.
We know from The Bible the Earth is 6 Thousand years old. (Do not say: “6 Thouuuuuuuusand years old”)

Remember, most people do not have even a basis understanding of science, so they will not be hard to convince if you appear to know more than them by using complex words. Many are intimidated and impressed by long, complex words. They also will not know if you barely know the definition of the long words you are using. They cannot differentiate between real and false credentials, cannot sort irrelevant facts from relevant ones, and cannot evaluate or compare ideas by applying critical thinking. Throw in big word such as “thermodynamic”, “irreducible complexity” and “punctual equilibrium” and you will appear like an expert.

Keep certain things as a last resort weapon, such as “Go mate with your monkey dad”, or “Burn in Hell!”

Good luck, good debate and God bless you!

Discount Organ Superstore

Are you looking for used eyes? Maybe refurbished kidneys or a smaller stomach? We have everything at half-price! We also carry a vast selection of cool defective and discontinued items! You can even get matching organs for the whole family or a fridge full of everything, just in case!

Need a transplant on the spot? No problems! Ask one of our smiling non-licensed attendants and they will have you up and running in 1 hour or less!

Please don’t forget to sign the non-responsibility waiver! Doing so allows you to enter a draw for a FREE B-grade brain!

Birthday parties available. Kids will love the liposuction leftover fat fights!

NEW! Try our new non-necessary plastic surgeries done by our own cosmetic surgery enthusiasts!

House bound? No problems! We make housecalls! We are now using ice so your newly purchased organs will stay fresh for up to 20 minutes!

Humans 0.2 Beta

I am certain that humans have been designed the same way companies develop products:

Some useful features not included because they came too late.

Some obvious design flaws in the external reproductive system were rubberstamped because the team couldn’t meet their deadline and they had to rush approval.

Some useless parts were also added only because the mother-in-law of the head of the internal organs department wouldn’t leave them alone.

Some parts (now called vestigial) are the result of a bad copy and paste job.

The team released Human 0.2 Beta, thinking they would fix it later. Then, funding was cut and Human 0.2 Beta became the official release.

No updates were issued because no one planned an update platform to distribute the fixes.

Sales sold the project to the client as a product which would be perfect, without requiring improvements.

Management let go of the tech support team in early alpha phase.

Marketing created religions to promote the idea that their products was perfect.

The tricky afterlife concept

Do you realize that the better you are at earning heaven, the closer you are to hell?

By choosing one religion and working hard or believing the right things, you just bought yourself tickets to all the other hells?

By choosing Christianity, you don’t follow the Torah (even if you are supposed to believe the whole book, which does include the Torah) so you go to hell. You also don’t follow the precepts included in the Quran, which sends you straight to Muslim hell. Sadly, it also means you might not even attain the first level of Mormon heaven.

One solution would be to act and believe everything, even things that are mutually exclusive. But a deity can probably know if you are faking it.

Another solution is to clone yourself and all have the same name and clothes. You have each one of you believe in a different religion. It is also crucial that you all die at the same time. One of you is bound to get it right so all of you can get a free pass to eternity in bliss. May religions talks about your name being in the Book of Heaven, so when they call you, you all stand up.

A third solution is to create your own afterlife. Don’t worry, yours is at least as plausible as all the other ones.

New energy-efficient wave

The NASA Jet Propulsion Lab recently presented its findings on a contract awarded in 2006 to develop a new wave for Queen of England Elizabeth II.

The Queen of England have to wave to peasants for extended periods of time and would have been at risk of developing royal carpal tunnel syndrome by maintaining that grueling amount of wave.

A team of 14 engineers worked for 18 months on a new hand wave that reduces air resistance, and energy consumption by up to 38%, Biomechanical and bioareodynamical tests were conducted in computer simulation and wind tunnel.

NASA is confident that these improvement will lead to more waves for the years to come.

New Plastic Surgery Services!

Tired of suffering from backache from carrying around your enormous organ all day?

Sick of being laughed at by your date because you’re way too big?

Annoyed by your colleagues’ jokes about the “telephone pole” you’re sporting in your dress pants?

Fear no more! Our new and improved procedure, the “CutieTiny” will transform your massive and unsightly pork sword into a slim and attractive toothpick.

Call now and get a free nose and eye socket enlargement! The first 100 callers will also get a a month’s worth of our new product: Soft’N’Go. It allows you to stay unerected no matter the circumstance!

Don’t forget about our Total Body DeEnhancement! You can go from hunk to chunk in 1 day! Let us take care of that full head of hair, generic perfectly tone body and boring symmetrical features. After the procedure, you’ll be bald, chubby and awkward ; just in time to avoid that dreadful date with a supermodel!

The scientific method and the supernatural

Are magical spells, psychic abilities, telepathy or telekinetic abilities real?

Although we see those things in books and movies, or hear stories about them, we have no credible evidence that any of those things are real.

No psychic was ever able to collect the 1 millions dollar prize from James Randi (http://www.randi.org/) by proving real psychic abilities or demonstrated it in controlled conditions. Ever.

Evidences are important and are the foundation of what we call reality.

The scientific method is comprised of the following steps:

1. Define the question
2. Gather information and resources (observe)
3. Form hypothesis
4. Perform experiment and collect data
5. Analyze data
6. Interpret data and draw conclusions that serve as a starting point for new hypothesis
7. Publish results
8. Retest (frequently done by other scientists)

For example, I can say that telepathy exists. Then, I can ask 20 self-proclaimed masters of telepathy to come in my lab. In this controlled environment, behind opaque dividers, I ask each one of them to tell me the word I just read. I compile the results and notice that none of the results are positive. I repeat that test 100 times with the same results. I then conclude that the test shows that those self-proclaimed masters of telepathy cannot do what they claim to do. I then publish my findings in a scientific magazine, where other scientists can analyze my method and my data, as well as reproduce my experiment.

If I had based my opinion on 1 or 2 positive anecdotes, without knowing the conditions of the telepathic readings, the clues the person gave to the psychic prior to the reading, the level of accuracy of the answers, the number of wrong answer that lead to the correct answer, I might think telepathy is real.

Whenever you wonder if something is real, dig deeper.

The Office Circus

Hilda & Olga
Beauty Pageant Finalist & Contortionist Siamese Twins
Reception

Mr. Amazing
Illusionist
Sales

Hivanoe Brothers
Flying Trapeze Artists
Shipping

Ivan the Giant
Strongman
Collection

Imeldana The Nubian Princess
Expert Master Psychic Level 3
Accounting & Financial Planning

127 Umpalumpas
Jungle Lilliputians previously employed by Willy Wonka
Data Entry

Dr. Mysterio
All-around mysterious character that hides behind a curtain
President

Believable Jobs

If you believe in miracles, invisible or mythical creatures (such as angels, demons, ghosts, etc) or magic, the following jobs are actually believable:

Unicorn Wrangler

They do pack a punch in that little magical body! Leave it to professionals to tame the unicorn you got for Christmas!

Ectoplasm Janitor

These things do leave a mess

Divine Assurance Adjuster

The “ask and you shall receive” is just the beginning. With so many loopholes, hidden clauses and secret exemptions, this professional come in handy when you have a complaint about a prayer that went wrong.

Gnome Psychologist

These little guys have problems too, you know.

Chimera Veterinarian

With such a complex anatomy resulting of their double-DNA, they cannot be trusted to your run-of-the-mill cryptozoovet.

Asgard Real Estate Agent

Asgard is a big crowded place with some premium lots left. Ask your local Asgard real estate agent for a condo near Thor’s Garden and you won’t be disappointed!

Ghost Psychotherapist

Scaring people can get hard on the moral, even for invisible hosts.

Wizard Personel Agency

You have all those powers, but no job where you can fulfill your magical dream? Search no more!

Dragon Groomer

Even those beasts need a pedicure once in a while and those scales don’t polish themselves mister!

New Rides at the Amusement Parks

  • The Skull Crusher
  • The Impaler
  • The Bowel Shaker
  • The Regurgitater (previously called the Vominator)
  • The Diaper Experience
  • Barfie 2
  • Odd Puddle
  • The Projectile Lunch
  • The Widow Maker 4
  • The Blender of Doom
  • Fun Trap of Death
  • Izzie Dizzy
  • Ad Nausea
  • Chunky Soup Mansion

On aphrodisiacs…

Aphrodisiacs are used since the dawn of time. It is a huge market, particularly in China, for some reasons.

Did you ever stop and think about HOW people found out some substances make them horny?

Some of them might have been eaten as part of a regular meal — chocolate, asparagus or oysters for example. Then the guy noticed that his pants were tighter than usual and that he wanted to jump the farm girl.

Some of them are herbs. We could imagine indigenous guys walking in the forest, very hungry. They pick up some leaves or some foul smelling roots and chew them. Then, BOUM!, full erection!

Some other popular aphrodisiacs could NOT have been tested by accident. Someone walks with a lab coat and a clipboard, and sample everything on the whole planet, then note the effect in their pants it seems. Here are few:
 
Spanish Fly: the dried, crushed body of the green blister beetle known as Cantharis Vesicatoria. I won’t even ask how the first guy found out about this one.
 
Rhinoceros Horn: used by some tribes in Northern India. It is said to make men sexually unstoppable. Unfortunately, the “horny” play on word only works in English, unless the “horn” and “horny” are both “naboualabito’hah” in Sanskrit.
 
Tiger Penis: A much revered as an aphrodisiac in China, Taiwan and South Korea. A Tiger Penis soup is sold for up to $350 per bowl. Who is the first guy who thought: let’s catch a tiger, cut-off his pecker, chew on it for a while, then try with the old lady to see if we notice a difference?
 
Powdered Reindeer Antlers: How would guys in Asia know that the reindeers possess a strong aphrodisiac in their antlers, but only when you grind them up?

Since guys take obviously anything to get aroused, what about selling them things we have too much of, like Northern Ontario Black Flies, Powered Rat’s Tails, Fried Pigeon Livers or Cockroach  Tea?

On aphrodisiacs…

Aphrodisiacs are used since the dawn of time. It is a huge market, particularly in China, for some reasons.

Did you ever stop and think about HOW people found out some substances make them horny?

Some of them might have been eaten as part of a regular meal — chocolate, asparagus or oysters for example. Then the guy noticed that his pants were tighter than usual and that he wanted to jump the farm girl.

Some of them are herbs. We could imagine indigenous guys walking in the forest, very hungry. They pick up some leaves or some foul smelling roots and chew them. Then, BOUM!, full erection!

Some other popular aphrodisiacs could NOT have been tested by accident. Someone walks with a lab coat and a clipboard, and sample everything on the whole planet, then note the effect in their pants it seems. Here are few:
 
Spanish Fly: the dried, crushed body of the green blister beetle known as Cantharis Vesicatoria. I won’t even ask how the first guy found out about this one.
 
Rhinoceros Horn: used by some tribes in Northern India. It is said to make men sexually unstoppable. Unfortunately, the “horny” play on word only works in English, unless the “horn” and “horny” are both “naboualabito’hah” in Sanskrit.
 
Tiger Penis: A much revered as an aphrodisiac in China, Taiwan and South Korea. A Tiger Penis soup is sold for up to $350 per bowl. Who is the first guy who thought: let’s catch a tiger, cut-off his pecker, chew on it for a while, then try with the old lady to see if we notice a difference?
 
Powdered Reindeer Antlers: How would guys in Asia know that the reindeers possess a strong aphrodisiac in their antlers, but only when you grind them up?

Since guys take obviously anything to get aroused, what about selling them things we have too much of, like Northern Ontario Black Flies, Powered Rat’s Tails, Fried Pigeon Livers or Cockroach  Tea?

New Restaurant Ideas

Katapult
You sit 6 feet from the waiter, who shoots food at you using a mini-catapult. Your job is to catch your dinner with your mouth — or go hungry. Customers are asked to dress in white to enhance the effect.

Floaterz
The restaurant is a large pool; customers and waiters are in small aluminum rafts; lifeguards have shotguns. The pool is filled with sharks, electric eels and piranhas. Don’t drop your plate or put your hands in the water… Only for adrenalin freak gourmets.

Stiltz
Customers are on stilts and are eating on 12 feet high tables; waiters are on tall unicycles. The crashes of stilts, unicycles and food are a thing of beauty!

What kind of snob are you?

We often think of elitism as relating only to knowledge or money. This “us vs them” superiority complex can be found in several areas:

  • Money Snob: people with less money just didn’t work hard enough.
  • Nationalist: your country is better then other countries.
  • Racist: your race is the superior one. The others races just don’t seem to get it.
  • Sexist: the gender you belong to is superior. Period.
  • Music Snob: your musical tastes place you into a higher league. You despise what is popular or playing on the radio.
  • Movie Snob: The blockbusters are not for you. Your acute sense of aesthetics make you prefer a black and white Swedish documentary about a midlife crisis over the latest Hollywood popular hit. You look down on people who like action movies.
  • Technology Snob: your choices of technology define you as superior to the mass (your computer’s operating system, your speakers’ brand, etc). You are willing to pay 4 times more for a specific brand, even if people tell you they are all made from the same parts.
  • Clothes/accessories Snob: This Gucci purse or that Armani suit sets you apart from the crowd of the Wal-Mart slobs.
  • Car Snob: Your BMW or Audi is not JUST a transportation device; it defines you as a person.
  • Drink Snob: the wine you drink clearly makes you more sophisticated. The price is an indication of the content and he level of refinement of the person drinking it.
  • Education Snob: the school you went to not only gave you better knowledge, connections and overall intellectual growth, it also made you a better human — a superior one.
  • Book Snob: the classics you read raised the bar of your intellect to such a level that you look down on the Cro-Magnons who cannot quote Plato.
  • Worship / Afterlife Snob: the brand of religion you chose makes you purer or more righteous and eventually holder of a better afterlife plan than most people.
  • Adrenaline Snob: You don’t understand why those wusses don’t all base jump, backyard wrestle or street luge on the week-end.

Which of those groups are you part of?

6-Word Stories — Part 2

  1. Sleep walking. Open window. Flying lessons!
  2. Zombies with loaded shotguns. Run fast!
  3. Crowded Train. Start Chainsaw. Peaceful Ride!
  4. Boring meeting. Snake in briefcase. Entertainment!
  5. Tiny car. Huge van. Flying car!

Modern Activities

Speed Reminiscing
Who has time to talk to people now? One room, 20 old school friends, 3 minutes total. Make it quick.
— Remember when…
— Oh yeah, I do!
— Good to see you. Bye!

Power Spelling
Looking for a good way to use your ADD? The game is to spell 2 or 3 words at the same time, by alternating one letter for each word.

 Micro Twittering
If 140 characters are too many for you, try MicroTwitter: only 3 characters! On the upside, you’ll probably do less typos.

 Live Facebook
With the new Facebook headgear containing a webcam, you can now record and post your whole life realtime.

My Life’s Little Pleasures

  • Smelling and feeling freshly bleached white bed sheets
  • Smelling freshly cut grass
  • Visiting the bookstore
  • Feeling of warm coffee in the morning
  • Giggling from a crazy idea I just had
  • Seeing my kids asleep
  • Hearing my kids’ laugh
  • Hearing my kids explain scientific processes
  • A night of boardgames with friends
  • Perfecting another Karate technique
  • Talking with my wife in the den while the kids play
  • Sharing an inside joke with my wife
  • Drawing with my kids
  • Watching a cool B-movie
  • Admiring nature: variety of clouds, fractal shapes of trees…
  • Writing

What are yours?

My Life’s Little Pleasures

  • Smelling and feeling freshly bleached white bed sheets
  • Smelling freshly cut grass
  • Visiting the bookstore
  • Feeling of warm coffee in the morning
  • Giggling from a crazy idea I just had
  • Seeing my kids asleep
  • Hearing my kids’ laugh
  • Hearing my kids explain scientific processes
  • A night of boardgames with friends
  • Perfecting another Karate technique
  • Talking with my wife in the den while the kids play
  • Sharing an inside joke with my wife
  • Drawing with my kids
  • Watching a cool B-movie
  • Admiring nature: variety of clouds, fractal shapes of trees…
  • Writing

What are yours?

Lesser-known but Important Inventors

Jason the Jargonaute
Created jargon by leveraging a multi-tier paradigm win-win non-verbal architecture.

Ming Sui Lu
Created the shy giggle in 4500 BC. She become rich after collecting royalties from her invention over the rest of her life.

Alexander Josephus Ebrahim Del Continuum il Tenaranik III
Created the first acronym in 1839.

Orrggh
Developed the angry look called “evil eye” in 6.9 million BC after his friend Baarr hit him on the head with a stone.

Gontran Monparnasse
Creator of the unibrow. He patented his creation and become millionaire when it became trendy in the 1920s.

Mary Wollworthe
Invented the fluffy clouds in 1756 using a steam machine, an ice box and a fan.

John Whyte
Invented the atom in 1926. 12 years later, he went on to invent gravity, daylight and magnetism. He is often credited to have created the first shadow.

6-Word Stories — Part 1

  1. Vodka. Driving recklessly again. Splattered wall. 
  2. New pants. Red wine. Cleanup required. 
  3. Loud neighbor. Rusty axe. Silence finally… 
  4. Mission to Venus. Sexy Creatures appear. 
  5. Mission to Mars. No such luck. 
  6. Mission to Mercury. Helmets melting. Mistake!

10 ways to have fun at meetings

  1. Paint your face and hands a slight lime green color. Put a diffuse black light in your collar and cuffs, as to produce a ghostly effect.
  2. Talk only in Morse code.
  3. Include tons of biblical references when you talk, quote prophets and mention something about God’s wrath if the others don’t agree with your ideas.
  4. Before the meeting, hide speakers. Then, during the meeting, play whispered rude comments about people attending and other coworkers.
  5. Talk in an unusually high-pitched voice, laugh too loud and sound like a sheep while doing so.
  6. Bring far too many objects at the table and set them up in front of you. Include pictures of your family, several coffee cups, 3 laptops, tons of wires, 11 stress balls, decorative cartoon figurines, and a few hats.
  7. Place a picture frame of your dog in front of you and pretend to be on the verge of crying the whole meeting.
  8. Hire 5 or 6 homeless people, dress them in a suits and sit them among the executives. Agree with what they say with enthusiasm.
  9. Every time someone is talking, roll your eyes, make a snorting sound, shake your head and place your forehead in your palms.
  10. Loudly compliment people on the wrong things: “Wow Kathy, I love how tight your skirt is! It really shows your ass!”, “Goddamn it Albert, I wish I’d be as sweaty as you!”.

Welcome to Thor High!

Thor High is a college preparatory school dedicated to the highest academic standards for the development of moral character, the enrichment of spiritual lives, and the perpetuation of growth in Norse ideals.
Statement of Faith
To ensure the perpetuation of these basic concepts, it is resolved by the founders of the school that all those who become associated with Thor High must believe and publicly acknowledge his belief in the divine inspiration of the Eddas and the Heimskringla, that Odin created the world out of nothing, that Thor our Lord and Savior is the preexistent Son of Odin and was born of Jörd, a virgin, that He died to pay the price of the sins of all people, that He was bodily resurrected from the grave, and that, by repentance and acceptance of and belief in Him, by Odin’s grace, the individual is saved to abundant and eternal life in Valhalla located in Asgaard, in the presence and power of the nine worlds. It is further resolved that the teachings of this school shall never deviate from the above principles.
Curriculum
Under the constant guidance of our core values (courage, force, vengeance and patience), students will learn the beliefs, art and crafts of the great Norse People, as created by Odin.Courses include:

  • Poems, Tales and Songs
  • Advanced Navigation
  • Agriculture Techniques and Soil Science
  • Weapon Making
  • Pillaging 101
  • Fur & Metal: Fashion of the Gods

Why do you believe in God?

If you do believe in God, please take a few moment and answer as honestly as you can. You can also post a comment and let me know.

  1. Your parent told you so and you never questioned them.
  2. Your family, friends and community believe, so do you.
  3. You simply feel it in your heart.
  4. You are afraid of what would happened if you don’t (hell or God’s anger).
  5. You want the reward (eternal life in heaven).
  6. You want to meet your deceased loved ones again at some point.
  7. It feels good to think someone is watching over you.
  8. You believe that it helps you with hope, happiness, etc through answers to your prayers.
  9. It is the only option that gives order to your reality; that explains the human presence, the human consciousness, as well as the physical reality.
  10. You studied, analyzed and compared all viable options (theistic and non-theistic) and came to the conclusion that God exist, He is the only God, things written or commonly accepted about Him are true and it is in your interest to believe in Him, as well as to follow his commands as written in your translation of the Bible.

The New WWF

deliciouslyquirky latex suit

Welcome to the new Wildlife Wrestling Federation, where pandas wrestle koalas, bears wrestle gerbils and lemurs wrestle possums.

Only on Pay-per-View!

Super Grand Master Psychic Premium Deluxe Pro +

Don’t be fooled by regular run-of-the-mill Master Psychics. We offer reading that are 79% more accurate than Master Psychics*, sound 87% more mysterious and have a much more impressive name.

Other psychics will tell you “you will meet someone tall” — we can tell their driver’s license number, shoe size and bank account security access code.

As far as you know, we are not using the methods other psychics are using, such as the shotgun approach, rapid-fire, fishing for answers, or body-language readings. We only use 100% pure natural cold-pressed virgin psychic energy from the rainforest.

Come see us today! We’ll both feel better about our future.

* based on our own estimate. Results may vary and are guaranteed 100%, except when it applies to fact-checking, inquiries or follow-ups. Do not take internally. Not recommended to carbon-based life forms. Not suitable for advice on any action. Not responsible for expectation, hopes or lack of results.

Specialized Zoology Careers

Insect and Invertebrate Psychologist
When your ant colony starts to behave erratically or when your grubs seem depressed, it’s time to call the Insect and Invertebrate Psychologist. Your insects will resume their tasks orderly and your invertebrates will crawl happily again with what will seem to be a tiny smile, guaranteed or your money back!

Insect Taxidermist
Your favorite flea died and you want to preserve it in all its glory? The Insect Taxidermist can help. You will be able to proudly display your beloved flea on your mantle piece for years to come.

Pet Tattoo Artist
Want your Poodle to look more effeminate with a rose on its butt? Wish your hamster would look meaner with a barbwire on its tiny biceps? Wait no more! You can now give your pet the gift of ink!

Larva Fashion Designer
It’s not because you’re half an inch long and live underground that you have to look frumpy! Those adorable larvae can now accessorize like a socialite!

Impressive Credentials

Business
Paradigm Leverage Symbiotic Two-Tier Reorganization Diploma from the Jarnonex Business Institute.

General
Masters in Partial Questioning from the Trivial Pursuit Casual Knowledge Center.

New Age
Passive Reflective Non-Committal Certificate of Existing from the Still Water Academy of Intemporal Arts.

Medical
Associate Doctorate in Cosmetic Cerebral Enhancement from the Happy Clown Travelling School of Neuro Surgery.

New Age
Diploma in Holistic Telluric Current Usage in Ectoplasm Rebirthing from the Center for the Karmic Multiverses.

Scientific
PH.D. in Large-Scale Terraforming from the Interstellar Academy of Planetary Rejuvenation.

Lie to Me

Pretend the world is fair.
Invent magical forces to protect me.
Create an ultimate reward and punishment so I behave.
Filter what comes to my eyes and ears.
Protect me from the evil straw men.
Tell me what I like.
Show me what I’m supposed to look like.
Comfort me with made-up results.
Punish someone so I feel safe.
Restrict me and call it security.
Enslave me but make it ok by showing me worse elsewhere.
Empower me with placebos.
Hide the strings so I don’t feel manipulated.
Lie to me.
Please Lie to Me.

About Clowns

What is the appropriate behavior for a clown?

  1. How much groping can he get away with?
  2. Is a clown on LSD funnier than a clown on crack?
  3. Can he make lewd comments to the female audience?
  4. Can he make sexual objects with balloons?
  5. Can he ramble to kids for 20 minutes on US foreign policies in Iraq?
  6. Are extremely crude racist jokes ok if said by his puppet?
  7. Can 2 clowns fake explicit acts on stage?
  8. Can he swear if he adds “arooni” at the end of the swear word?

What is the appropriate dress code for a clown?

  1. Are dangling extremities ok to show if painted?
  2. How much blood is too much on a clown’s face?
  3. Can he carry a shotgun?
  4. Can he get clown makeup tattooed on his face to save time?
  5. Can he wear crotchless pants?

The REAL Survivor

Surviving means to overcome life-threatening dangers and stay alive.
You can only say you survived a hay ride if it’s on fire going down a cliff, and you don’t die.

Unlike the TV show, where the harshest things contestants have to survive to are lame activities and deceptive mind games from annoying competitors, the REAL Survivor goes a bit further in testing the human spirit. Here are a few deadly activities that would amusing to watch for the hard-to-please audience:

  1. Chased by 50 skilled tribesmen with blow guns, contestants wearing only a red Speedo hop with their feet bound and try to capture the flag, while trying to avoid the poison darts.
  2. Naked and covered in BBQ sauce, contestants have to take meat away from the lions, then eat as much as possible of that raw meat while running full speed toward the save zone, 2 km away.
  3. Contestants carrying uncooked ground beef in their bathing suit have to cross a river full of piranhas. The first to reach the other side wins immunity. Whoever is still alive goes to the next round.

Ode to the Perfect Pet

Nothing fuming to pick up from the carpet.
No midnight rumble with a plastic bag.
No chewed shoes because you’re bored.
No hairy cushions left behind.
No forced walk in the cold with a wrapped dangling gift.
No clumping litter to change, ever.
No piling vet, psychologist and psychic bills
No seasonal mermaid calls at 3am.
No embarrassing knit sweater to buy.

Only quiet contemplation.
Only silent approval.
And a monthly dusting seance.

You are the perfect pet, my glass hippo.

Lame Geometric Superheroes

Circulon, master of flowy Aikido, circular sweeps and roundhouse kicks, is his best when cirled by the ennemy. He fights crime with his brothers Squarex, Triangulor and Ovoloid.

Their arch-enemy, Free-Form Sam, tries to input irregular thoughts in their heads with The Pattern, a virus conceived by his head scientist, Geomitrus.

How to Break Bones in a Good Way

Several options are even more glamorous to break bones than doing drunken breakdancing in your bathtub or slipping in your icy driveway with your arms full of grocery bags. When backyard wrestling is not available in your neighborhood, you can try:

BASE Jumping
BASE stands for Building, Antenna, Span & Earth. It means jumping from a tall building, a tall antenna, a tall bridge of a tall cliff. I’m saying tall because your parachute might have a problem opening from a 37 foot cliff. A full body cast for 2 years is not as cool as a 45 second perfect fall with a smooth landing, posted on Youtube. BASE Jumping can be made more exciting by putting a lead suit and jumping over a busy highway during a hurricane.

Street Luge
The idea here is to lay down on an oversized skateboard and go down a steep street. One version of this sport is to wear a special suit with a wheel on every joint of your body, so you can change position while going full speed toward a certain death.
   
Train Hopping
If you want to feel like a hero in an action film, there is nothing better then to jump on the roof of a running train. The potential for joyful life-threatening injuries are endless! To make things more fun, you should wear roller blades and a wingsuit during that activity.

Group Blindfolded Sumo Wrestling
One regular guy is covered with HP sauce and is thrown in a cage with 12 starving blindfolded sumos. The longevity record is 42 seconds.

What are Your Basic Assumptions?

The basic assumptions are the general guidelines that colour every ideas you have about your reality.

  1. Is life fair?
  2. Is there a benevolent force that will make things fair at some point? (reward the good and punish the bad)
  3. Are humans the jewel of creation or rather a fortunate accident?
  4. Are people basically good?
  5. Is science obscure and evil?
  6. Is magic and the supernatural real?
  7. Is anything possible, even the most fantastic claims?
  8. Are there powerful but secretive groups with evil agenda?
  9. Is what you see on TV or read in newspaper truthful?
  10. Can you get a good grasp on reality based on your senses and your intellect?
  11. Is reality limited to what you can measure, analyse and reproduce?

Answers to questions like these will determine how people interpret the world based on the same facts, but arrive to totally different conclusions.

They Will Really Know You

Two things are absolutely sure in the future: Marketers will find more intrusive ways to pry into your innermost secrets to sell you things you are willing to pay for and Hackers will always try and succeed at breaking into secure systems.

When you combine the 2, you have some intrusive but mighty powerful ways to reach potential customers.

Here are some examples of the conversion of marketing and hacking:

 GPS navigation Spying
With car onboard navigation system becoming more prevalent, GPS hacking will start to be used not only passively as an absence alert and a presence mapping used by criminals, but also actively as GSP hijacking to display only certain restaurants, gas stations and hotels that are part of a particular affiliate network.

Personal Agent
Right now, we have software to keep track of our busy schedules. In a near future, we’ll rely on software to book appointments, change those appointments in relation to the weather, other appointments, traffic delays, etc. Suggestions of routes or destinations will be made in relation to an affiliate network by default. Marketers/Hackers will know your exact schedule, preference of movies, books you order, music your agent plays — to have an exact log of your habits. They will know when to offer you certain products based on your routine. Criminals/Hackers will be able to peer into your schedule and move your appointments for you to leave the house for longer, leaving them plenty of time to enjoy your unattended residence.

Existing Security Network
Marketers/Hackers will hack into the street camera, store security cameras, red light cameras, ATM cameras and use face recognition software and track your every move, even when you don’t carry your GPS-embedded cell phone or computer with you. They will know your patterns, your friends, associates and affairs. They will use that data to profile you in extreme details.

Drive-by Digital Communication Hijacking
You drive by a store or a restaurant, and you hear an ad or subtle sounds that influence you into wanting what they sell. It could be an interstitial ad, a sound relating to what they sell or helping you bring back a memory relating to a similar need, or an intimately sounding soft order.

RFID Chip Tracking
Merchandise inventory is done remotely and digitally with RFID chips (Radio Frequency Identification). Passports in many countries are also identified with a RFID chip. In the near future, you can expect more physical objects beings tagged and tracked by a RFID system. Marketers/Hackers will know what you buy, from what store, how long you keep it in your house and where you put it by an overlay of your house, based on the floor plan they downloaded from the city building permit office they hacked into.

Your future life
You’ll be able to buy, for a substantial amount of money, an anti-hacking wireless shield for your person, your car, or your house. That shield will protect you from low-end hacking, until its security is breached. You’ll pay premium dollars to go to a week-end zero-stimulation resorts, where no ads will be presented to you. In your daily life, Marketers/Hackers will know everything about you, including your current location and who you are with.

Don’t worry. The future will appear friendly.

PromoClouds® — Cloud Marketing

The idea is to create large white balloon not for transportation or data gathering purpose, but solely for brand exposure. It takes skywriting to the next level.

The gigantic white balloon would be in the shape of a simple logo, an arrow pointing to a service or an image representing a company in a certain context. Ballast would keep the bottom of the PromoClouds® pointing downward. Several PromoClouds® could be attached together to form a string of floating objects, such as a short tagline or a multipart logo.

The basic, less disruptive Promoclouds® would be white, to mimic a natural cloud. The premium version would be bioluminescent, as to be seen day and night. It would float below the natural cloud coverage, as to be visible even by a overcast day.

The Promoclouds® could be tethered to promote a local event or business or free-floating for global exposure.

Bad Product Ideas

  • Barbie Girl Anti-aircraft Machine Gun
  • Javex Pure Bleach Bubble Gum
  • Teletubbies Pregnancy test
  • Victoria Secret Body Armour
  • Looney Tunes Personal Land Mines
  • Jack Daniel Baby Formula

What do you do?

Next time you are at a social gathering and someone ask you the “What do you do?”, have a little fun with it.

  • I’m a geneticist and I’m working on mating rhinos with gerbils.
  • I pile cardboard boxes.
  • I dream, rest and sometimes yawn.
  • I’m second in charge of a partial committee working on temporary groups.
  • I’m a plastic surgeon to the rich & famous. I worked on Michael Jackson’s nose.
  • I’m a cheerleading coach for overweight middle-aged men.
  • I’m a meeting-filler. I dress up in a suit and go to meetings for different companies — I nod and pretend to take notes.
  • I’m a organ-philanthropist. Care for a used spleen?
  • I’m a pre-embalmer. I start embalming clients while they are alive to save time. My friends thought it was too creepy. Want to be my friend?

Ode to Pseudo-Knowledge

The Norwegian Dwarf Elf prefers the roots of the white oak and celebrates the festival of Gur’ox. I know that because I have a degree in a Elfology from the Elvian University of Oslo.

Now, you probably think I made the whole thing up. Why?

Would it help the credibility of my degree or the reliability of my alleged knowledge if I told you I got the degree from someone really competent in a equally unverifiable field?

What do you accept as credentials? Would that authority be based solely on unverifiable claims and paid testimonials or would it have to be anchored on real, commonly accepted and measurable data?

Would that knowledge have to be based on something that actually exist?

What if that knowledge is not based on any empirical data or evidence, but based on unseen, invisible, supernatural or even on magical claims?

Can we assert authority on a field that is made up of unverifiable claims?

Does knowledge have to be useful or practical? Can that usefulness be quantifiable in a non-partisan, non-biased and repeatable way?

What if I claim to have a associate degree from the Alternative Medicine Institute of PingLam in Phrenology and Chromatic Aura Healing using Telluric Currents?

Would you put your health in my hands? Will you trust me with your cancer?

Would reading a list of fictitious testimonials on my glossy brochure help you make up your mind and pay me to heal you?

100th Post!!! Wooohooooo!

Pour célébrer le 100e article sur ce blog, voici une collection complète des textes en français que j’ai écrit au début des années 1990.

Ils sont séparés en 5 categories:

  • Fiction dramatiques
  • Proses
  • Pensées
  • Humour — Quasi-cohérents
  • Humour — Épileptiques

J’aimerais bien lire vos commentaires!

NEW Extreme Sports!

After the success of extreme sports such as base jumping, urban luge and train jumping, we are proud to introduce a series of new and exciting extreme sports:

Extreme Line Dancing
Nothing but cowboy hats, thongs and pogo sticks…

Unicycle Football
Bodychecking has never been so much fun to watch!

Rollerblade Tighrope
Take off the rubber wheels and Fly!

Urban Pole Vaulting
From the Rooftop to the Pavement in a Hearbeat!

High-tech Christmas Gifts

  • Internet-ready Christmas tree
  • Battery-operated self-centering nails with laser target (pack of 20)
  • Self-aware carbon nanotube beach towel
  • 12 inch globe with LCD countries for dynamic motion cloud coverage based on current satellite pictures
  • Solar panel-powered winter hat
  • Rear-camera glasses to see what is behind you as you walk
  • AM/FM muffin

Beauty Of The Natural World: Appreciating the Structure

Macro-appearance of Micro-arrangement
The electron are orbiting pretty far from the nucleus. When the atoms are combined to form matter, the macro-scale structure can appear solid and without gaps, while if you zoom it to the atomic level, you’ll see mostly void (1 to 1,000,000,000,000,000 scale of matter to void!).

Fractality of Natural Structures
Fractals are patterns created through seemingly random processes, no matter the zooming level. If you use start from a satellite photo of a coastline, then zoom in to molecular level, you’ll always see an irregular pattern.

Scale Range
The scale of the universe is absolutely astounding. It stretches from the observations of particle physics (composition of the atoms) to cosmology (the whole universe).

Our Atomic Makeup
The number of known elements is now up to 118, with the first 92 occuring naturally. The Earth itself, all the mineral, vegetal, animal and human life are mainly composed of the 10 most common elements. Organic life (vegetal, animal and us) is mainly composed of hydrogen, carbon, oxygen and nitrogen. All elements the humans are composed of are found on our planet — we are not alien being but physically a part of our environment.

Magnificent Natural Objects
Geodes, crystal formations, blossoming cherry tree, planetary rings and nebulas are some of the amazing products of the bonding of atoms in different environments.

The recent scientific concepts imagined to describe the inner workings of the natural world are fascinating. Multiverses, Multiple Big Bang theory, Superstring Theory, antimatter, quantum entanglement are only some of the those ideas.

Sweet Science Talk

Scientific languague is not just descriptive and accurate; it can also be mysterious and beautiful. Just read or listen to “The nature of Space and Time” by Stephen Hawkins and you’ll see what I mean.

You don’t have to know the deep meaning behind the concepts to appreciate the beauty of that specialized language. Just read the following expressions to experience some of that modern poetry:

  • Quantum gravity
  • Theory of causal dynamical triangulation
  • 4 dimensional spacetime manifold
  • Virtual blackhole as a quantum fluctuation of spacetime
  • Discretionary access control in a heterogeneous distributed database
  • Parallel Jacobi algorithms for the algebraic eigenvalue problem
  • Deoxyribonucleic acid
  • chromosomal crossover
  • Algebraic lattice
  • Chronostratigraphy
  • Cathodoluminescence

Now, try to drop “Finite-state automata with recursive-call state transitions” in a conversation…

Small Manageable World

The more I learn about politics, current events, religion, “creation science/intelligent design”, the more I realize that we have a closed and personal version of the general absolute reality. I think that our personal reality is shaped by their beliefs and by the limit of their knowledge.

We seem to find security in knowing ALL tof our universe, even if it’s extremely small, not mater how unreliable or unlikely its foundation really is. At least we understand it — at least it’s simple and obey some rules.

If you start to ask questions, if you leave the mental security blanket of having an overall explanation of reality, things begin to become less comfortable, even unsettling. By expanding your mental reality, you run the risk of loosing your landmarks, to venture in the unknown. You leave the small closet you know well and come out in the open field, at night — full of strange noises, peculiar lights, and unknown shapes.

I think that open field is worth exploring for the sake of finding the truth, even if it’s less comfortable and reassuring.

Non-evil Secret Societies

Not all secret societies are evil underground cults designed to control the world (at least, that’s what the masked whispering man ordered me to say).

The Cloud Gazers
They meet in a secluded field, lay down in the grass, and watch clouds for hours. Their hierchy is as loose as the object of their observation.

The Fraternity of the Muffin Gobblers
Affiliated with the The Secret Society of Pie Eaters and The Order of the Crumpet Crumpers
These societies are organized around a specific culinary treat. Factions have been known to appear when a group realized they wanted nothing to do with the unnatural preferences of others. We’ll recall the Vanilla Ice Scream incident that lead to the formation of the Orthodox Apple Pie Movement.

The Order of the Whimsical Head Cover
This group meets once a month, wear funny hats and giggle. They are occasionally bullied by the Pokadot Beret Sisterhood.

The Nihilists
The only group that denies its own existence on a regular basis.

The Magic of Christmas Explained

Number of Children
In 2008, there are approximately 6.7 billion people on earth, with 2.4 billion children , with around 650 million being Christian. With an average of 3.5 children per household, we then have 186 million houses around the world that are expecting Santa to show up on Christmas night.

Time Available
Santa Claus has to deliver all his presents in about 31 hours, counting the different time-zones, which means he has to visit 1667 houses per second. In about 0.001 second, he has to get to the next house, land on the roof, unhook his safety harness, get out of the sled, find the toy in his huge bag (that is several kilometers high as we’ll see), enters the chimney, place the gifts under the tree, eat the cookies, drink the milk, get up the chimney and get in the sled and tie up his safety harness.

Distance to Cover
With a planet circumference of 40,076 km and with 186 million stops in all countries of the Earth (starting from the Canadian North Pole and excluding Antartica), we can grossly estimate a total travelling distance of 150 million kilometers.

Speed of the Sled
Since Santa Claus has 31 hours to do 150,000,000 km — he then has to travel at almost 5 million Km/h. This does not include any time for the Santa Claus and his reindeers to rest or to take a pee break. Such a speed would create an enormous air resistance which would have to effect to heat up the 2 front reindeers. Actually, they would heat up so much, they would be vaporized within the first 0.001 second. The acceleration would be about 20,000 G, which would instantly liquify Santa Claus and his jolly reindeers. The air resistance would then affect the second pair of reindeer in line, vaporizing them. Within 4 thoussandth of a second, the whole gang, including Santa, would be vaporized.

Weight of the load
Assuming an average weight per gift of 2 pound and an average dimensions per gift of  1foot x 1foot x 1foot, the weight of the sled would be about 1,300,000,000 pounds or 589,670,081 kg.

Size of the load
Assuming a cargo area of 6 feet wide x 4 feet long, the height of the sled load would be : 27,083,333 feet or 8,255 Km high. Planes fly to at 30,000 feet or 9 km, so Santa’s sled could hit several planes during his tour.

The Milk & Cookie Situation
During Christmas night, if every house leaves only 1 cookie for Santa, this means a total of almost 2 million Kilos of cookies (based on a 10g cookie) and 18.7 million liters of milk (based on 0.1 liter per glass)! I assume he would have to find a washroom once in a while…

Protective Gears Required

  • He would have to have a extremely good collision avoidance system to drive at that speed.
  • He would have to wear fantastic goggles too, since the speed of the wind in his eyes (4,838,710 Km/h) would be intolerable.
  • A powerful safety harness would be required for the quick turns and abrupt deccelaration.
  • They would wear kevlar/carbon microfiber blend body armours, to prevent such appaling scene.
  • In order to drink 2 cookies and eat a glass of milk at each stop (in less that 0.0003 second), Santa Claus would have to have a special titanium alloy digestive system.
  • He would also have to have a special skin and skelettal structure to withstand such speed.
  • The sled would also be equipped with radar deflector and stealth external structure, to avoid being detected by radar from NORAD.
  • They would have to be protected by a strong force field (which has not been invented yet).

Ahhh, the magic of Christmas!

Based on an ideas, assumptions and base calculations of my friend, Frankie The Lone Ranger

Do you believe me?

This morning, I saw a cute unicorn being chased by a dragon and a troll in my backyard.

Do you believe me? Why not?

Those creatures are part of the world folklore for thousands of years and thousands of stories were written about them. You can also see them in paintings and in movies.

Of course, you could say they don’t exist based on the total lack of archaeological evidence and the absolute lack of credible eye witnesses in recorded history.

Then, how can anyone believe in other creatures that share the same mythical characteristics, such as angels, demons and ghosts?

How do you know?

  1. What percentage of your knowledge are you absolutely sure of?
  2. What are your criterias in evaluating the reliability of the information?
  3. How do you know that the information is not biased?
  4. Do you know which piece of information in your brain comes from gossip, false assumption, TV show fiction, unchecked fact from a magazine, an opinion from a blog or a well-documented piece of reliable knowledge?
  5. Can you differenciate between accurate memories and false/distorted memories from 20 years ago?
  6. How do you know that even a well-documented information from a reliable source is not false?

Sports of the Gods

Celestial Bowling
You take a moon and throw it as far as you can, using the planetary gravitationnal slingshot effect to produce nice curve balls. The goal is to knock the most planets out of orbit. The fun never stops!

Spacial Origami
When you have unlimited powers, you can fold space and time. The most popular shapes among gods are swans and frogs.

Sim-World
You create a population on a planet. You then unleash earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions and watch them scream and run! Gods never get tired of that one.

Extreme TV Shows

JetPack Race
5 racers have to fly to the other side of a large warehouse with electrified ceiling, floor and walls, while dodging dodge poles and windmills.

Last Bot Standing
In the game called “Last Bot Standing”, a team of 10 exoskeleton-wearing contestants have to capture the flag on a Peruvian jungle cliff. To do so, they must first eliminate the other contestants, each more armed than the next.

Whose Face is it Anyway
This highly addictive show features a paid contestant that goes about his or her daily life wearing a special helmet with cerebral probes, controlled by the viewers via web surveys. The actions receiving the most votes will be applied to the contestant. The probes produce results by affecting different parts of the volunteers’ brains with electric impulses. They can affect motricity, dexterity, facial expressions and speech. The goal is to produce the most embarassing situations, viewed 24 hours a day, live in high-definition.

Extreme Makeover
Viewers suggest makeovers. The makeovers can include plastic surgery, cranial implants, DNA modifications, body extensions, skin modification, extra limbs, and genetic regression. A panel of judges choose the best 10 for 10 contestants, who will be given 1 million dollars each. At the end of the makeovers, viewers vote for the best one, who will receive an additional 10 million dollars.

Minor Superheroes

Chameleon
Ability to morph into anyone, providing they bare an uncannny ressemblance to himself.

Teleporter
Ability to teleport herself within a 1/2 inch range. If applied in rapid motion, can make opponent slightly dizzy.

Time Traveller
Can travel back and forth in time, but only 2 seconds.

Mind Reader
Ability to read minds, a long as the thoughts are about small grey dogs wearing purple vests.

Replicator
Ability to create a copy of himself, but the copy appears at 12 million kilometers from the original.

Symmetrycan
Ability to switch the left and right side of her body for 2 seconds at a time.

Coolest Jobs Ever.

Here are 6 of the coolest jobs that are sure to generate alot of questions at a party. Please note that I did not create the content for this particular section. I also give the source of the information so you can look into it,  get a degree in one of those fields and change reality forever!

Galactic Archaeologist
Galactic Archaeology is concerned with the search for the most metal-poor and hence oldest stars of the Galaxy, and the determination of their chemical abundance patterns.
These stars are important tools for studying, e.g., the formation and chemical evolution of the Galaxy, the properties (e.g., mass, rotation) of the first generation of massive stars which exploded as type II supernovae and nucleosynthesis processes that occurred in them.
http://www.astronomy.com/asy/default.aspx?c=a&id=2091
http://www.lsw.uni-heidelberg.de/projects/galactic_archaeology/
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/09/080918-star-migration.html

Exobiologist (or Astrobiologist)
The branch of biology that deals with the search for extraterrestrial life and the effects of extraterrestrial surroundings on living organisms. Also called astrobiology, space biology.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Exobiologist

The Exobiology Branch conducts research in Exobiology seeking to increase our knowledge of the origin, evolution, and distribution of life in the universe. Answers are sought to questions such as: To what extent did chemical evolution occur in the primitive bodies of the solar system? How did life originate on the Earth, and what role did minerals play? What evidence exists regarding the early interplay between biological and environmental evolution?

What do molecular fossils tell us about early microbial evolution? How can the study of contemporary microbes or geochemical samples inform us of past events? The work of the staff in this Branch also provides the conceptual basis and measurement criteria for future spacecraft missions to other solar system bodies such as Mars, Titan, and comets, in search of answers to such fundamental questions in non-terrestrial settings.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrobiology
http://exobiology.nasa.gov/

Exopsychologist
The field of Astropsychology or Exopsychology is the field of study concerned with how intelligent extra-terrestrial beings operate, including their behavior, mental processes, and pathologies and is directly related to the more established and recognized field of space science known as Astrobiology or Exobiology
http://www.esoteric-news.com/artman/publish/article_318.shtml

Terraformer
The terraforming (literally, “Earth-shaping”) of a planet, moon, or other body is the hypothetical process of deliberately modifying its atmosphere, temperature, surface topography or ecology to be similar to those of Earth to make it habitable by humans.
The term is sometimes used more generally as a synonym for planetary engineering. The concept of terraforming developed from both science fiction and actual science. The term was probably invented by Jack Williamson in a science-fiction story (“Collision Orbit”) published during 1942 in Astounding Science Fiction,[1] but the actual concept pre-dates this work.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terraforming

Plastinator
Plastination is a technique used in anatomy to preserve bodies or body parts. The water and fat are replaced by certain plastics, yielding specimens that can be touched, do not smell or decay, and even retain most microscopic properties of the original sample. The 5 steps of plastination are:

  • Fixation
  • Dehydration
  • Forced impregnation
  • Hardening
  • Posing

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plastination

Cryptozoologist
Cryptozoology (from Greek κρυπτός, kruptos, “hidden” + zoology; literally, “study of hidden animals”) is the study of and search for animals which fall outside of contemporary zoological catalogs. It consists of two primary fields of research:

  • The search for living examples of animals taxonomically identified through fossil records, but which are believed to be extinct.
  • The search for animals that fall outside of taxonomic records due to a lack of empirical evidence, but for which anecdotal evidence exists in the form of myths, legends, or undocumented sightings.

Those involved in cryptozoological study are known as cryptozoologists; the animals that they study are often referred to as “cryptids”, a term coined by John Wall in 1983.

Cryptozoology has seen very little attention from the mainstream scientific community because it does not follow the scientific method in attempts to support its claims.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cryptozoology 

The Truth About Lies

You have been lied to since you were born. You are lied to everyday. You are lying to yourself frequently.

Lies, deceptions, misinformation, disinformation, exagerations, generalisations, unfounded claims, errors and mistakes.

Your parents lied to you since you were born — sometimes to protect you, sometimes because they didn’t want to take the time to explain what they thought was the real explanation, sometimes because they didn’t know how to explain it and sometimes they made up an explanation because they didn’t know the real explanation.

You grow up and people lie to you everyday. Make-up can be a form of deception, by changing your physical appearance and looking younger. Heels and lift make you look taller. Botox and cosmetic surgery alter your appearance to make you look younger and smoother. You ask people how they are and most of the time, they answer: “fine!”. They don’t want to get into that argument they had over breakfast, or the colonoscopy pain they still have.

You are exposed to hundreds of lies a day in the form of advertising on TV, radio, internet, newspaper, magazines, billboards everywhere.

You lie to protect yourself and others,  to not take the time to go into details, to cover up a mistake, to appear better than you are, and for many other reasons.

Still, people expect us to tell the truth. Which one?

The only deceases you need

Hypercephaly
Inflation of the cerebrum caused by the bite of the Anamorphicus Rei mosquito. The substance contained in the saliva of that mosquito can increase your IQ by 80 to 100 points overnight. Warning: cranial explosions due to repeated doses can mess up your living room.

Peni Gigantis
The terrible affliction of suddenly getting a huge male organ. Can be embarrassing if carried by a woman. This non-hereditary trouble activates most frequently when a seratonin surge saturates the hypothalamus, such as meeting an aesthetically-pleasing person in an nightclub.

Hyper symmetry
A cerebral cortex imbalance that enhances greatly your physical symmetry, thus making you more appealing. Warning: can be cured by squinting really hard, drooling, spitting on the sidewalk, a lack of education and the frequent use of swearwords.

Your TRUE Horoscope for Today

Venus is in celcius, Jupiter is radioactive and Mars is in the House of Commons.

  • You will have a day like any other day, without great surprises.
  • Some generic nondescript events will happen in the world to people you don’t know.
  • You might meet someone you know today, but if you don’t leave the house, you might not.
  • You will get news from something slightly political in nature, or maybe about the weather.
  • Your lucky numbers are anywhere between 1 and a million.

This is valid for every sign, for the whole year. Next year might bring surprises… or not.

Today’s beautiful words, Part 3

Globularism
The odd and unsupported view that our planet – the Earth – is spherical. This is contradictory with the evidence brought by the Flat Earth Society, who tries to educate the masses on the real shape of the Earth: a disc with the North Pole in the center and the South Pole along the edge. All photos of the round Earth have been doctored to push the Globularists agenda.

Zoocryptodomestication
The hobby of having a mythical creature as pet. Most popular are elves, dragons and unicorns. Caution: one must be careful with the mytical creatures with magical powers.

Proselytism
The act of getting up early, dressing up as for a meeting, walking the neighborhood on a nice day, and trying to transform the reality assumptions of lucky people. Also refers to the act of trying to convert people to your religion.

What can you mentally see and hear?

How visual is your memory?
Can you do a playback of your favorite movie scenes in your mind?
Can you rotate object and change the camera angle in a mental scene?
Can you imagine yourself flying (with the changing view of the ground, nearby building)?
Can you construct a scene with customized items (not sampled from previously seen images)?
When you read a book, do you “see” the characters, locations, etc?

How “auditive” is your memory?
Do you sometimes have songs stuck in your head?
Can you replicate a real-sounding musical instrument in your mind?