1. What string do I pull to open this parachute?
2. My friends will think I’m a hero for skateboarding down that roof!
3. I should’ve known that the bacon suit was a bad idea in the jungle! ahhhh!
4. Hey buddy, your gang tattoo looks ri-di-cu-lous!
5. Let’s see what cool superpower I’ll get by jumping into that drum of toxic water!
6. I’m soooo tired! I’ll just get a nap on the beach before the tide rises…
7. Don’t worry, I don’t think those are shark fins…
8. Let me drive your plane! If you can do it, so can I.
9. … and then you poke the panther like that…
10. Mr. Cannibal, why are you putting BBQ sauce on me?

I have to create a website for an important client. He gave me lengthy instructions on what he needs the website to do, the target audience, the logo, etc.

Then he left on a long business trip, with no access to phone or e-mail.

While I was starting to work on that project, my neighbor Bob, who never met my client, dropped by and told that my client telepathically gave him a brand new direction on this website.

He instructed me to change so many things about the project that it was now a totally different project. He even told me my client asked to change the name of his company! Bob, while praising my client constantly, kept insisting that the new instructions are the ones I should use. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his instructions contradict my client’s instructions.

Should I listen to my neighbor or to my client?

The answer should be pretty obvious.

In the Bible, Paul The Apostle (also known as Saint Paul or Saul of Tarsus — author of 13 of the 27 books of the New testament) claims to have received instruction form a vision. He never claims to have met the historical Jesus at all. Yet, all Christians listen to Paul’s instructions, which  contradict Jesus’ instructions on all important points. Jesus was supposed to be God, or at least one of the 3 parts of God.

In his letters, Paul tells people NOT to stop obeying the Jewish law (including circumcision, dietary laws, sacrificial laws, etc), while Jesus said to obey every part of it. In the Bible, Jesus was saying to people to be even more Jewish than they were!

Should Christians listen to Jesus or Paul?

Santa used to be happy, athletic and resourceful.

He is still somewhat magical, but now he is an crippled old man, his back paralyzed with arthritis from climbing in tight chimneys for years. He is partially blind from looking at bright lights for the past century. His Alzheimer makes it very difficult to remember where to deliver the present. 3 years ago, he forgot his list on his way to deliver presents to India and had to go to a local Internet cafe in Bombay to get a copy of his list by fax.

He had to deal with globalization, employee strikes, industrial sabotage, computer hacking, and increased homeland security legislation. He was mislabeled a terrorist by the American government, following his repeated breaking and entering of the Pentagon, the White House and multiple army bases. His lawyers had to enter a secret plea bargain for his release. The breaking point happened when his trade secrets were made public on Wikileaks early last year.

The increased in air traffic made it increasingly difficult for sleigh travelling. Santa had to dodge ballistic missiles several times and went down in flames in 1988 after a reindeer was shot dead over Croatia in mid-flight. The Elf Task Force had a hard time to clean the wreckage and find all the presents — many of them gone after the looting. Christmas had to be delayed 12 hours that year.

Santa’s manufacturing is now outsourced to China. The quality is shoddy; some products are toxic, but this is the price to pay to compete in the global market.

The elves, once powerful and useful, have almost all been layed off. Binge drinking, drug use, gambling and prostitution is now afflicting the elf population of the North Pole. Rival gangs formed to control the market of BlindFun, a powerful hallucinogenic drug made of Egg Nog and windshield washed fluid.

Misses Claus, after being diagnosed with lung cancer due to her chain smoking, left Santa after she caught him cheating with a male elf. Santa’s lewd behavior has been going on for years, but in the past few years, it has been out-of-control. She had enough.

Santa drinks himself to sleep every night, reminiscing about his past glory. There used to be magic.

Your hair, like angel pasta.
Your alabaster skin, glistening with sauce.
Your toes, aching to be dipped.
Your breasts, sublime and filling.

You fulfill me with your flesh;
Appetize me on crackers;
Tease me in a sorbet;
Satisfy me for dinner.

I am saddened by this heavenly consumption,
as you will be no more to satiate my hunger.
I wish there was more of you…
Do you have a sister?

What would you expect to see if the world described in the Bible and the Qur’an were true?

1. First of all, you’d see magic. Lots of it.
2. You’d hear about people with some fantastic powers, like a guy defeating a whole army using only a jawbone. You’d see also see prophets doing real magic, like transforming a stick into a snake.
3. Once in a while, you’d hear some animals such as snakes, donkeys or ants, talking in a language you can understand and using correct grammar.
4. You’d encounter some supernatural being on a daily basis.
5. You’d witness people being miraculously cured or being brought back from the dead. You might also see zombies once in a while.
6. Many people would hear a booming voice form the sky, or from a cloud, or fire.
7. You might even see some stranger things such as fiery serpents coming from the sky or a flying chariot.

Is that fantastic and magical world part of your day to day life? Did anybody you know ever encounter any of this while NOT on drugs? Why not?

As Genghis Khan  was running into battle screaming, he thought:

” I really shouldn’t have eaten all those prunes for breakfast”

Napoleon Bonaparte though, looking at his army:

“I’m almost 5’7″ and taller than the average Frenchman… I’ll be remembered as a tall great general no doubt”

Taking his first steps on the Moon, Neil Armstrong thought:

“Can’t believe how uncomfortable that new thong is!”

Julius Caesar thought, while looking at his powerful empire:

” If only I could grow a moustache, I’d die a happy man”.

Looking for a very quiet area?
Try the Sea of tranquility, Moon
Features:

• Huge backyard
• Closest neighbors are 384,403 km (238,857 miles) away
• No atmosphere also means no sound — totally quiet and restful
• No atmosphere also means no wind, no storms, and no air pollution!
• Pristine night sky
• No traffic
• Low gravity makes it great place for golfing

Looking for the best windsurfing destination?
The constant winds on Neptune blow at more than 2000 km/h (1200 miles/hour)

Looking for a great tanning destination?
Look no further than our Mercury resort, with temperature ranging from a balmy 427°C (800°F) to a refreshing -184°C (-300°F) to cool you off.

Tired of summer?
Visit our winter resort on Pluto, where the average temperature is -236°C (-393°F).
As a bonus, a 200 lbs person will only weigh 16 lbs on Pluto!

Geo-Helio-synchronous Temporal Personal Device — Watch

Thermal Wave-based Transference Device — Microwave

Epidermal Helio-Photo Shield — Sunscreen

Analog Fiber-based Knowledge Repository — Book

Tactile Soundwave Manipulator — Piano

Avian Necro Cryo Protein Intake System — Frozen Chicken

Diameter-adjustable Abdominal Retaining Device — Belt

Human to Human Knowledge Transference System — School

1. 1200 Ways to Make Love to a Melon
2. How to Expose Yourself on National TV
3. 101 Ways to Get Wild at a Funeral
4. Teaser Sex: Using the Electric Thunder Down Under
5. How to Get Prostitutes for Free
6. Viagra & Redbull: The Silent & Fun Killer
7. Great-Grannies Gone Wild
8. When No Means (sort of) Yes
9. Fun With Toasters & Tubs
10. Tigers, Lions & Bears: Oh My! — Using Dangerous Wildlife for your Pleasure
11. Sex with Cobras — A Step by Step Guide
12. Sex in the Sky — 34 Seconds of Amazing Sex Without a Parachute!

1. Building Wealth by Wearing Yellow
2. Become Rich in 2 days by Sending Us Money
3. How to Bypass the Corporate Ladder by Using a Hidden Camera
4. Create a Successful Business Using Dead Flies
5. How to Impress Your Boss with Amazing World-Changing Ideas
6. Get Rich By Investing in Nigerian Email Projects
7. Selling Your Organs as a Safe Long-Term Investment
8. How to Meet your Soul Mate by Pretending to be a Prostitute
9. Become a Famous Filmmaker Using a Intra-Nasal Camera
10. Make Friends by Only Wearing a Winning Smile

Mr. Tight Pants
Has the ability to make his pants tighter than anyone else on the planet.

Red Thunder
While he has an amazing name, Red Thunder’s only power is to give himself nose bleeds and red cheeks.

Professor Generic
Middle-age man who sports gray pants, beige shirt, a brown watch and black shoes. He has an average grasp of colloquial expressions and a forgetable hairdo.

StickyMan
Wears a leather G-string and has a slightly sticky skin, which can be kind of useful in an office setting if people run out of Post-It notes.

Anti-Flash
A guy who walks slowly.

The Amazing Tornado
A girl who is usually dizzy.

Miss Numbero
A teenager in a white jeans outfit, who always counts her steps.

Anti-Hulk
A pretty quiet fair-skinned guy.

Rictus
An overweight guy in sweat pants who often mixes irony with sarcasm.

The Freaks
Group of almost irritating villains that include Jeff the 5’10 giant, Bob the 5’9 dwarf, Hariet the single-jointed non-contortionist and Steve the 185 pound sumo.

One of the most overused concept and name, beside “green” is “smart”. Is the “smart” trend only a new marketing trick? Just how smart are the products having “smart” in their name?

Smart car
That one is a bit misleading, since the name means “Swatch Mercedes ART”. It’s very smart if you consider fuel consumption and ease of parking — less smart is feeling of panic you have when driving between 2 tractor-trailers on the highway at 110lm/m on a windy day.

Smart Phone
It stands for a phone that has more communication or productivity features, such as web browsing, music, camera, email, text message, etc. It does allow us to bring part of the desktop computing experience on the road. Unfortunately, the only part it does not enhance at all is actually the most basic function: phoning.

Smart Meter
Introduced this year by our electricity distributors, it is marketed as a new way to reduce our electricity cost. It’s actually a new way to force us to change our habits by using electricity in pre-determined time-slots (night-time and week-ends) while paying ever more for the service.

Smart Bomb
This is a bomb that has fins, sensors and a computer. It can steer to hit the target more precisely. In theory, it allows to drop less bombs to hit a specific target. Looks like a slightly less messy way to kill tons of people.

If the Bible is either written by God or at least inspired by God, then the information included in the book must be true. If the information is a quote from Jesus, who is supposed to be an avatar of God himself, then we can safely assume that it’s even more reliable.

All 4 gospels in the New Testament report Jesus saying something like “Ask and you shall receive” (Mark 11:24-25, Matthew 21:21-22, Luke 11:9-13, John 14:13-14). The offer is quite clear; there is no legal proviso, no terms and conditions, no limitations presented as long as you have faith.

So, one who believes God wrote or inspired the Bible would be tempted to believe these words. A Christian would be well justified to expect a reply or a fulfillment to his or her prayer.

Obviously, all Christians should:

1. be healthy
2. have super strength
3. live forever
4. have superpowers
5. look amazing
6. have sex with supermodels all the time
7. have extra good luck in all
8. win the lottery every week, making them billionaires
9. make a real difference in the world
10. have friends and family with the same luck

If not, then maybe the “Ask and you shall receive” is not entirely true. You mean, there is an untruth in the Bible? How can it be? After all, it was either written, whispered, inspired or endorsed by the creator of the universe!

How do you evaluate magical claims? How can you tell that something totally unsubstantiated is more likely than something else, which is equally unsubstantiated?

Here are 5 ways people evaluate pseudo-science or magical therapies:

1. Antiquity of the method. It’s the idea that if something has been around for a long time, then it must be valid or at least have some merit, like homeopathy or acupuncture.
2. Authority of the anecdotal source or celebrity endorsement. The Secret was featured on Oprah, making it credible in the eyes of million of people.
3. Appeal of the internal logic. The idea here is that as long as the method is consistent with the belief system it lays on, many people will not question the validity of the premise. For example: Angel Therapy is a form of new age healing through guidance from angels. It makes sense that since angels have superpowers and are benevolent, they might help you get better. if you substitute “angel” with other equally fictional characters, like leprechaun, unicorn or the wizard Merlin, the method looses a bit of its charm. Just like angels, those other 3 characters are described at lengths in many books, have been around for along time, might be benevolent and all have some superpowers.
4. Perceived power of the method. Angels seem to have more power than pink bunnies, so Angel Therapy sounds better than Pink Bunny Therapy.
5. Appeal of the claims. It really doesn’t matter if most or all claims are totally unfounded. If your glossy brochure claims that your method gets rid of migraines, club foot, leprosy and irritable bowels, some people will try it.

If your friend tried Psychic Chromatic Left-brain Biofeedback and got rid of her cold, are you going to stop buying DayQuil and rush to the psychic next time you have a cold?

1. Cactus underwear
2. Formal g-string
3. Marble top hat
4. Live-rats-in-a-cage jumpsuit
5. Ice dress
6. Magnetized shirt
7. Acupuncture shoes
8. Hornymeter tie
9. Earth-worm-skin pants
10. Coal-heated winter jacket

1. A germaphobe zombie
2. An hemoglobin-intolerant vampire *
3. A bald Sasquatch
4. A mermaid who can’t swim
5. A flying-horse who’s afraid of heights
6. An  arachnophobic spiderlady
7. The ghost of a steamroller victim
8. A mute werewolf
9. A claustrophobic mummys
10. A shy anemic guy with big hair, who sparkles in the sun and climb trees

* Credit to my son for that awesome idea.

1. Reverse rhinoplasty
2. Zoocryoaromatherapy (healing by the smell of frozen meat)
3. Underwater backgammon
4. Human taxidermy
5. Hit and run frontal lobotomies
6. The mating habits of mythical creatures
7. Diction coaching for loose-jaw porn actresses
8. High altitude blindfolded flying trapeze
9. Grizzly bear hand-to-hand combat
10. 600lbs marble balls juggling

Fugly Wobbly was a bear
Fugly Wobbly had no hair
Fugly Wobbly loves his scotch
Fugly Wobbly grinds his crotch
Fugly Wobbly is no beauty
Fugly Wobbly is rather drooly
Fugly Wobbly falls assleep
Fugly Wobbly is quite a creep

1. Caregiver
2. Protector
3. Entertainer
4. Playmate
5. Organizer
6. Driver
7. Singer
8. Teacher
9. Role Model
10. Cook
11. Coach
12. Comforter
13. Supply Manager
14. Financial Provider
15. Financial Planner
16. Psychologist
17. Referee
18. Janitor
19. Santa Claus
20. Tooth Fairy

über
Often used in a ParisHilton-ish way to emphasize a quality, as in: OMG, this colonoscopy tube was über deep!

licious
Suffix added to a noun to add a sexy and playful quality, like in the new IRS taxlicious, the gynecologist’s papsmearolilious, or atomic bombilicious.

Smart
Prefix used to make the customer think they are buying something special with extra features for a premium price, such as the Smart-Laxative or Smart-Door Stopper.

Extreme
Prefix giving a sense of excitement and danger, like in Xtreme-Stamp Collecting, Xtreme-Accounting, and Extreme Rollerblade Roof Racing.

Green
Gives the impression the product is beneficial for the environment, no matter how insignificant the advantage really is, as in Green-Tar, Green-Cigar and the Green Giant.

Vlad “The Empaler” Romanoff, 8-time World “Unprovoked Savage Attack” Champion
vs
Benjamin “Shadow Mover” Finckelstein, 5 times Sudoku World Champion

Craig Hornez, Undefeated Bare Knuckles Skull Crushing Champion
vs
Timmy lester, 4 times “Huge Antique Bicycle Riding” General’s Cup Regional Champion

Roberto “Slicer” Rodrigez, 2001-2010 Intercontinental Machete Champion
vs
3 times Gold medalist, 100m Olympic Sprinter

Thorgal Swensson, Scandinavian Axe Throwing Champion
vs
Martha DuPont, 2002 Ohio Cupcake Face-off Winner

Phil Alan Guthrie, Sentenced to 210 life terms for 53 homicides
vs
Theodore “The Widow Maker” Statham, Senior Tax Collector, IRS

1. A 68 year-old men that is pretty mature for his age.
2. A fairly tall giant.
3. A politician that is not straightforward.
4. A big sumo.
5. A lazy cat.
6. A hyper-active Chihuahua.
7. A crack addict that is not reliable.
8. A cult-leader that is slightly creepy.
9. A monster truck announcer that is shouting.
10. A pretty accurate watchmaker.

1. Senior Prevention: Lures & Traps to Get Rid of Your Seniors
2. Modern Medicine: How Amulets, Charms and Incantations Can Replace Doctors
3. Financial Forecasting Using Dreams, Oracles and Prophecies
4. Auto-Surgery for Dummies
5. Faith-based Education: Make Fear and Stoning Work for You!
6. Cooking Humans: 150 Great Recipes for the Holidays
7. The No-Limit Diet: Loose Muscle Weight by Eating AS MUCH Junk as you Want!
8. How to Convert Your Basement into a Dungeon in 3 Days
9. 12 Creative Ways to Hide a Body in Your House
10. How to Create Accidents and Never Get Caught

Glossolalia is the technical term for “Speaking In Tongues”. It can be seen in Christian Pentecostal churches, in some shamanic and voodoo rituals as well as on Youtube.

It is written in the Bible that people will be able to speak in tongues (Mark 16:17, Acts 2:4, Acts 10:46, 1 Corinthians 13:1). I have a few questions about it though:

Is there a way to tell the difference between someone speaking in real tongue and, say, someone making the stuff up as he or she goes?

I can pretend to speak Chinese, Russian and German on the spot. Does it count?

I would be more impressed by someone who converts to Christianity, then starts to speak fluent upper-class Sumerian than by someone who sounds like a drunken babbling buffoon who pretends to speak the language of the angels. Really.

I will now write in tongues for you. Ready?

“Lalana Optepth Ismaereit gahna ourah smill! Oura Karh delo pseir ricr.”

Was it the angels speaking through me or was I just making it up? How do you know?

I never met my father. He never writes or calls me. He was not even there when I was born.

My neighbors keep saying that my father loves me, although they never met him either.

I read that if I obey what people say he wants, he will reward me by moving in with him at some point and finally meeting him.

If I don’t obey, some of his helpers will bring me in the basement of his mansion and torture me forever.

I apparently have a choice: obey or be tortured forever.

The catch is that I can never have a straight and simple answer on what it means to obey my father. The book people say was written or dictated by my father has 613 rules. Some rules forbid me to have bad thoughts to any degree; some other pertain to not mixing some types of fabrics. Some people say it has 10 main rules, which I see people break all the time.

According to my father’s book, if I break some of those rules, my neighbors have to kill me.

Those rules don’t mention that I have to be 18 to be killed. This means a baby who break some of those rules has to be killed too.

What kind of father would torture his children or order people to kill them if they break even the silliest of rules?

I must be a different kind of father because I never thought about stoning or torturing my children…

The Smilites were Norse barbarians who invaded Europe in the 3rd century AD.

Contrary to other hordes of barbarians, the Smilites were polite, well kept and very helpful to the local populations. They were known to repaint houses, maintain gardens, babysit children, groom pets and renovate public buildings. They also had great signing voices and were able to knit at an incredible speed.

A few weeks after they had invaded a town, the streets were spotless, people were happier and their children had more toys.

Unfortunately, history remembers only the bad barbarians…

Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) always placed human life separate from other life on Earth.

When we look at how humans are made, it is obvious we are not separate at all from other lifeforms nor we are separate from the planet we live in.

99% of the mass of the human body is made up of just six elements: Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and Phosphorus. The rest is composed of elements such as Potassium, Sulfur and Sodium. We can find all the elements we’re made of in our environment, here on Earth.

All those elements are held together by the same atomic forces we see in the rest of the physical world.

Our physiology, chemistry and even behavior is consistent with the other animal lifeforms on Earth. We have the same skeletal, digestive, muscular, cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive system as apes, for example. Most of our DNA is the same as most other animal species on Earth.

If we would have been magically created fully formed, we could expect to function under unique principles. Why would we need organs to convert food into energy? Why would we have vestigial organs? Why would we need neurons to think and memorize things? If we came from the realm of magic, why can’t we see a single trace of magic around us?

To realize that we are part of the natural world on all levels can actually be quite comforting. It confirms that we do belong right here, on Earth.

Why do US blockbuster movies seem so bad these days?

Our team of 20,001 seasoned investigative journalists uncovered the reason: they are written automatically by a software.

ScriptMaster 5000 Pro combines words to create a master idea, picks a setting in random, with more weight given to popular landmarks in the United States, such as Time Square and Madison Square Garden. By randomly combining plot elements from older movies and headlines of the past year of popular newspaper, the software then develops the intrigue. It makes sure it has the proper dosage of cliche comedic scenes, non-lethal car chases, and superficial drama.

When the actors are picked using a auto-casting popularity algorithm, it then generates the poster using the 2 main characters, sends it to the printer and to all affiliate movie theaters though the automated distribution agent.

As an employer, did you ever wish to stack more workers per cubic foot?

As a circus manager, did you ever want to fit even more clowns into a clown car?

As a bus driver, did you ever wish to triple the number of passengers?

Now we have a solution to those dire needs!

Introducing DelQuirk’s Ultra-Portable People. By safely collapsing bones, neatly folding muscles, removing most of the fat tissues and dehydrating most of the rest, we can now reduce people’s body’s volume by up to 72%!

Best of all, their physical appearance will stay somewhat similar to what it was before the procedure! They will just be smaller!

Now also available: foldable dehydrated pets! Just add water!

Young Earth Creationists are convinced the earth is thhhooooousands of years old, while we, BSNES (Brand Spankin’ New Earth Society), are convinced without a shadow of a doubt, that the earth is 171 years old.

Young Earth Creationists rely on blind faith to skew their judgement of the evidence based on their religious views. They also apply mental gymnastics to bend the data over backward to fit their vision.

We, on the other hand, base our knowledge on evidence alone, not on religious or philosophical biases.

Time to put on our BSNES glasses and interpret the evidence:

1. The older person who lived (from evidence of birth record) was Jeanne Calment, who died at 122 in 1997. Her mom had her at around 20 years old. So, 137 years + 20 years = 157 years. This means the earth is at least 167 years old.
2. Our experts have looked at Internet reproductions of several “fossils”, “artefact” and “ancient art”. They conquer that those are fakes created, possibly by Young Earth Creationists, to discredit the Truth.
3. There are no photographs, audio recordings or videos older than 171 years. The first photograph was taken in 1839.
4. No humans can remember a time before they were around 2 years old. So when people talk about the earth being formed thhhooooousands of years ago., ask them: “Were you there?”
5. Radiometric data from our lab clearly demonstrates that plastic forks, TVs, and even houses in our town were created only a few decades ago.

Join us next week for our evidence that the Earth is not flat or even a sphere, but is in fact a cube.

Customer Support: Dawson Robotics. How may I help you

Client: Hi, I just bought the Killer Robot 5000 Pro and there seems to be a problem with it.

Customer Support: Can you speak louder, sir? I can barely hear you.

Client:  I can’t. I’m hiding in the closet with my family and the robot is looking for us.

Customer Support: Can you describe the problem sir?

Client:  Well, I can’t stop the damn robot.

Customer Support: Did you press the STOP button on the remote control?

Client:  The first thing the robot did when I turned it on was to blast the remote with its laser.

Customer Support: Did you try the OFF switch in the back of the robot?

Client:  I can’t. It’s moving too fast and it’s firing that damn laser.

Customer Support: Did you install “Do not kill the humans” upgrade?

Client:  The what? No. I didn’t.

Customer Support: Well sir. In that case, you’ll have to wait for the robot to run out of power.

Client:  How long will it take?

Customer Support: About 18 months.

Moral of the story: always read the instructions carefully. Oh, and don’t buy a Killer Robot 5000 Pro.

1. “Is this gun loaded?”
2. My grandpa used to say: “you can’t fly until you try!”*
3. “Don’t worry, there are no more trains on these tracks. It’s safe to sleep in the tunnel.”
4. “Are you sure you’re a real surgeon?”
5. “What’s with the hoods and the chanting, guys?”
6. “What’s that fin doing in the water?”
7. “This scaffold is solid, right?”
8. “What’s the worst that could happen, really?
9. “Watch this, I saw it on Jackass!”
10. “You want a piece of me, buddy?”

* Thanks to my daughter for that one.

Cage Sleeping

2 athletes enter the cage. 1 comes out. The rules are simple: the 2 sleepers must use all the tricks in their considerable arsenal to put the other contestant to sleep. They can sign lullabies, tell long pointless boring stories or bring up images of soothing scenes. They are not allowed to rock the other contestant or pay his or her back. Only on Pay-per-View.

Nap Chess

Contestants have a minimum of 15 minutes between each move.
They must also take a 45 minute nap every 3 moves.
When they announce their move, it must be done in a whispering voice.
Now in 3D HD!

Staring Masters

2 contestant.
2 chairs.
A black background.
24 hours of intense staring.

See every gripping moments of that epic battle in HD. Don’t miss any blinks or eyebrow raises! Viewer discretion is advised.

1. Anorexic sumos
2. Scantily-clad brick layers
3. Hairy pole-dancers
4. A shaved Santa Claus
5. Drunken librarians
6. 12 clowns singing opera wearing only a g-string and cooking oil
7. Blind, deaf and mute airplane pilots
8. Sane Scientologists
9. Mini-giants and huge dwarves
10. Knotty squids

1. Billy inadvertently created a black hole in the washing machine by mixing white and colored clothes.
2. Joan spliced her genes by wearing her spliced jeans wayyyyy too tight.
3. Robert’s army of monkey men are not going to help him conquer the world. He spent all his money buying them diapers…
4. Maggie tripped over a crease in the space-time continuum.
5. Bob caught his mutant robot humping his dad’s truck.
6. Martin put 2 alarm clocks face to face with a time difference of 1 second, which allowed him to travel back in time. Unfortunately, he only went back in time 1 second.
7. Becca cloned herself but sneezed during the procedure. All her clones came out fuzzy.
8. John, an alchemy student, transmutated something into gold. His wife will surely be impressed by the golden rod in his shorts.
9. The team was able to miniaturize a cell phone the size of a grain of salt. Unfortunetely, Professor Matthews coughed.
10. Bill successfully achieved partial invisibility of his body. He is now working on making his left side invisible.

A man bought a puppy.
He told it not to touch his cupcake.
The puppy did not obey.
So the man hurt the puppy.
The man will also hurt his puppy’s puppies and all the generations that will come from it. He will do this forever.

Do you think it’s fair?
Do you think it’s just?
Do you think it’s deserved?

1. Will the endless pain of the puppies solve the obedience problem of the first puppy?
2. Was the puppy aware that by disobeying one simple command, it would have all its descendant hurt, forever?
3. Was the consequence explained to the puppy?
4. Was the puppy capable of understanding the concept of consequence, pain or eternity?

That, my friends, is the biblical concept of the Fall of Man.

Does it make any sense to you?

Lifeskills Camp for 5-8yr

Want your kids to learn how to deal with the real world? Here is your chance! They will learn valuable skills in a fun environment:

• Coping with personal failure
• How to deal with hookers
• How to reduce your debt by selling your organs
• How to reconstruct your life after a rotten childhood
• Learning which hard drug to do to avoid permanent damage
• 13 ways to get out of paying rent

Jungle Fun for 8-12yr

In this 12 week camp, your children will learn jungle-based character-building skills like:

• How to survive in the jungle on your their own for 11 weeks
• Knowing your poisonous mushrooms
• How to escape blood-thirsty predators at night
• Yummy insects 101
• How to fight off cannibal tribes
• How to cook a cannibal

Rage in the Cage Day camp

Let your kids learn the secret of a clean knock-out while they are young through a series of half-day workshops:

• The magic of the groin kick
• Headbuts are fun
• Make your friends pass out from chokes
• The art of going bezerk
• Illegal mmoves are winning moves

We say imagination is boundless, but is it really? We all impose, voluntarily or not, limits and biases on our thoughts. Those limitations can include:

1. your basic assumptions (people are good, magic does exist, anything is possible, there is an invisible realm, we are all connected, etc)
2. the amount of knowledge you have
3. your ability to interpolate and extrapolate
4. your idea of what reality is
5. what you consider possible or impossible
6. your cultural frame of reference
7. your mental taboos — what you don’t allow yourself to think; things too awful to even think of
8. your ability to create links between elements
9. the state of your memory (your mental storage capacity as well as the efficiency of your data retrieval process)
10. your willingness to explore new concepts

What guidelines, limits, assumptions or framework does your mind operate on?

Are you seriously religious?

If so, you have to believe in magic. The 3 Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) are filled with magical acts and magical creatures. How does the belief in magic affect your daily life?

1. Do you invoke angels for assistance when you have a tight deadline or a lack of resources at work?
2. Do you pray and get divine intervention right away, every time?
3. Do you rely on magic instead of calculations to accomplish your job?
4. Do you refrain yourself from getting a life insurance policy, because you know you only have to ask God and you shall receive? If so, did you also quit your job?
5. If you are a Calvinist (believe in pre-determination — that everything is God’s will), did you stop working when you realized that whatever you do; it’s God’s plan for you?
6. Do you go to the zoo expecting some animals to talk, like in the Bible?
7. Do you do something to protect yourself against the Evil Eye?
8. Did you buy a convertible car so you don’t bash your head against the roof when the Rapture comes?

1. “This beer is so cold you’ll loose most of your fingers from hypothermia just by holding the can!”.
2. “This rejuvenation face cream will make you look like a newborn in just 3 weeks”.
3. “Our new hybrid sedan is so efficient, it spews gasoline instead of consuming it!”
4. “Our new SUV is so spacious, you and your extended family can live in it for years, like most of our consumers do!”
5. “Our interest rate is so low, we’re paying you load of money a week to buy our crap!”
6. “No payment, no interest, no hidden fees, no restocking fee and no administrative fee for 120 years!”
7. “No payment, no interest for 1 year. Only an easy-breezy 257% convenience fee applies!”
8. “Our new Lazer Mach 17 DuoCore Stealth Pro Magnum Razor is so fast it will leave you deaf from the afterburner sound!
9. “You’ll look so good in your new Armani suit that hordes of itchy toothless homeless women will want to snuggle up with you!”
10. “This manly perfume will totally change your lifestyle, bring supermodels and that huge promotion to you, but will leave you impotent.”

1. Clowns riding dragons… Terror from above!
2. New body modification: plastic dolls implants!
3. New body modification: total face splitting!
4. Clones: buy one get one free!
5. Attack butterflies: the new silent killer.
6. Inflatable houses: beware of large bees!
7. Smimming straight across Atlantic Ocean. Tired!

1. Is it the spark that make us do beautiful things and have pure thoughts?
2. Is it the sum of all laws of physics, the cause of all things?
3. Is it a jealous, fear-inspiring, genocidal but also just and forgiving anthropomorphic character?
4. Is it a purely good, just, all-powerful and benevolent entity?
5. Is is a fictional character people invented to explain things before science?
6. Is it a personal friend with whom you have a direct relationship?

IF you believe there is an all wise and all powerful God, creator of the whole universe,
THEN you must listen to what he has to say.

IF you think God wrote or at least inspired a book,
THEN you must read it and accept every word of it.

IF you accept every word of it,
THEN you must obey every parts of it.

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your children to death if they disobey you.
(Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone homosexuals to death.
(Leviticus 20:13)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your fiancee if she is raped.
(Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone your wife if she is not a virgin on your wedding night.
(Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody who worship a different god than yours.
(Deuteronomy 17:2-5)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone all wizards (if you can find some).
(Leviticus 20:27)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that works on Saturday.
(Numbers 15:32-56)

IF you obey every part of it,
THEN you must stone everybody that is blaspheming.
(Leviticus 24:16)
Do you believe there is a god who created the whole universe?
Do you believe he wrote or inspired a book?
Did you read every word of it?
Do you apply every commands in it?
If not, why?

You should start piling up stones because you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi, senior Iranian cleric,told his worshippers on Friday: “Many women who dress inappropriately … cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes,”. He also added “Calamities are the result of people’s deeds…. We have no way but [to] conform to Islam to ward off dangers.”

I then realized that my geology teachers lied to me for years. Those teachers made up words like “tectonic plates”, “subduction”, “moho layer” as well as concepts such as magma convection and divergent boundaries to explain earthquakes.

All that time wasted studying science when in fact, girls only have to cover up. It’s so simple!

If women would listen to men, we could have averted the devastating earthquake that killed 803,000 in China in 1556, 300,230 in the Indonesia tsunami in 2004, and 230,000 in Haiti earlier this year.

I’m ready to accept that natural disasters are the result of sin. After all, if bronze age desert people believed in it, it must be true. I have a few questions though:

Does the number of uncovered women affect the type of natural disaster or only its magnitude?

Does the choice of the uncovered part have an impact on the natural disasters we deserve?

Is a visible shoulder worst than  visible hair? Does cleavage bring in more thunder than an exposed stomach? If it is the case, then surely topless beaches, nude camps and swingers clubs must be bombarded by meteors and lightning bolts all the time, no?

I suggest we pay more attention to ancient texts and traditions and stop wasting time learning “science” and thinking rationally. I also suggest covering up women, men, children and small dogs to avoid the wrath of God. Of course, we’d have to obey all the demands of ALL the gods ever imagined by people since the dawn of time. What do you think?

1. When I run, background music starts.
2. Monster in the basement. Get rope…
3. Marathon starts. Laces untied. Huge pileup.
4. Flying jetpack really high. Need jacket.
5. Travelling by catapult. Missed a bit.
6. I am an amnesic time traveller.
7. I mastered the one-note song.
8. Base jumping, train surfing. Getting tired.
9. Gremlins under bed. Release the werewolf.

I have a friend named Julius Caesar, ex-Roman Emperor. Shortly after his death, he was sanctified as a deity. He’s a great guy who listens to me, advises me on a wide range of problems I’m facing, and who gives me hope and moral support when I need it. Although he lived a little more than 2,000 ago, he is still very much relevant to my life and what I’m going through. I talk to him on a daily basis and he answers me, in my head. He is invisible but I can feel his presence around me, like a comforting blanket.

Am I privileged to have a personal relationship with a god or am I just plain delusional?

Does it make a difference what the name of that imaginary friend is?

1. Beautiful mermaid, but smells like fish.
2. Silky smooth werewolf = expensive Brazilian waxing!
3. Impaled by unicorn. Should have believed…
4. Angels caught in tornado. Dizzy angels…
5. Sad Leprechauns… No gold, just Interact!
6. Ghosts fuzzy near cellphone towers. Progress?
7. Sea monsters scared… Now an aphrodisiac.
8. Vampires ashamed. They saw Twilight too!

1. Base jumping. Very windy day. Ahhhhhhhh!
2. Clown costume. Scared children. Fly open.
3. Bear attack. Friend filming. Youtube upload!
4. Huge headache. Guillotine. No more headache!
5. Born. Live. Die. Repeat. Thanks reincarnation!
6. Jumping canyon in car. Miscalculated distance…
7. Joining cult. Noticing guns. Geting out!
8. Teleportator miscalibrated. Now part of wall…
9. Sad clown. Cheap prostitute. Happy clown!
10. Food fight stopped. No pumpkins allowed!

What is your relation with knowledge?

Do you think of knowledge as an external entity limited to schools? If so, does it make you uncomfortable because it changes your mental map of the world and reality?

Do you crave knowledge? Do you consider it a way to expand your reality?

Are you frustrated when you study a field and discover that the amount of information on the topic is far greater than what you initially estimated? Does it frustrate you to never have a complete grasp of a field, even less of reality?

Do you have the impression that the more you learn, the more you notice vast hidden rooms you never thought existed in your mental representation of reality?

Where do humans come from?

How did the universe begin?

If the Earth of really round, how come Chinese people don’t fall off, eh? Stomped now right?

When we don’t have a full explanation, when we don’t understand the detailed complex explanation given, or when we don’t even bother doing a basic research, the easiest thing to do is to point to magic.

Magic is a truly wonderful tool to explain complex concepts with no efforts. It doesn’t require previous knowledge or experimentation; you don’t even have to open a single book! It is easier to invoke magic than to listen to arguments, understand the underlying principles or look at the evidence. You can also substitute the word “magic” for “God” if you are evangelical.

You think your initial physical traits and your behavioral patterns come from genetics and your environments. You think you can use free will to steer your life? Wrong!

So many forces are acting on your life without your control.  You are simply a bobbing pawn in an ocean of external forces.

The following forces have an influence on your character, your level of luck, your whole structure as a human being as well as any event that happens or doesn’t happen to you:

• the day and year you were born
• the planets and constellations alignment at the time
• the combined daily horoscope from all newspaper and websites
• the chain letter email you do or don’t forward
• any curse or blessings people give you. Those include voodoo dolls, charms, spells, incantations and potions.
• the evil eye you receive
• an ladder you step under, any black cats you cross, anything with the number 13, any mirrors you break, any salt you pour over your shoulder to counter an evil force
• the will and plan of any gods past or present
• whether you touch wood or not when you notice you are lucky
• any good luck charm you wear
• the energy in a particular location
• the will of any invisible creature, such as ghost, angel, fairy, etc.
• the telluric currents (underground low-level electrical grid) that happen to cross your house, mostly your bed
• any actions you did or habit you had in one of your numerous past lives

Do you think that not believing in those eternal forces is enough to cut the invisible ties and make you master of your destiny?

1. Zombies on fire. Get your marshmallows!
2. Parachute broken. Ground coming fast. Splat!
3. Cloning works fine now… Closet full!
4. Cannibal neighbor. Dinner invitation. Great meal!
5. Inflatable girlfriend. Should not buy cactus.
6. Tiny barking dog. Big scary shoes.
7. Jetpack malfunction. Looking down. Oh no!
8. Mission to Mars. Forgot my pills.
9. Writing memoirs. Great time for amnesia…
10. Alien abduction true. Colon still hurting.

It is common for fighters to use a nickname. Usually, it’s something macho and aggressive such as “The Beast”, “The Destroyer” or “Tank”. Here are a few suggestions for scarier names for guys in tight speedos grappling and sweating in 69:

1. John “Sweaty Blob” Stevenson
2. Allan “Fart Machine” Mendoza
3. Max “The Groper” Davison
4. François “Erected Perv” Cassis
5. Frank “Stink Bomb” Klein
6. Vladimir “3 Balls” Rudensky
7. Hikoshi “The Vomiter” Matasho
8. Romeo “Ex-lax” O’Neil
9. Lance “The Impaler” Smith (formerly known as “Backdoor Surprise”)
10. Rodrigo “14 inch Snake” Patcheti

Are you refereed to as “a force of nature to be reckoned with” on a regular basis?
Do people talk about you as “a visionary light years ahead of his/her time”?
Are you called “the most important agent of change of our third millennium society”?
Are you ‘”the last strand of hope for democracy and capitalism”?

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First 1,500 callers will get a cruel reality-check.

1) Your neighbor says:
— How you doin’?

That innocent-sounding question reveals a deep interest in your life. You have the moral obligation of telling your neighbor a detailed point by point update of what is going on in your life since last time he asked you that question.

Start by financial, health, career, family dynamics, then go to fears, joys, deceptions and contemplative states you were in. Then you can go deeper in the report.

2) You sneeze and the stranger on the bus says:
— God bless you!

What kind of blessing does he wish upon you?
How will he track the results?
Does he have the power to appeal to a divine entity directly?
If he has the power to bestow blessings upon you, does he have the power to curse you as well?
What other powers does he possess?

3) You colleague tells you he had not been sick this year, then he adds, while touching wood:

— Touch wood!

Does the type of wood make a difference?
Does it matter if you touch wood with one finger, a full hand or if you lie down naked on a wooden desk every time you say that magical sentence?
If you touch plastic instead, will you have bad luck?
Are there any double-blind studies on the benefits of touching wood?

I heard au audio recording of The Big Bang, that led to the expansion of the universe. It was REALLY loud!

I found how to change the 24h days to 26 h days. All we have to do is build 20km tall North-South walls across the length of North & South America, Europe, Africa and Asia. This should slow down the Earth rotation enough to gain a few hours.

Scientists found a new enzyme that, once fed to enemy populations, make them glow in the dark. They are then much easier to spot at night.

Maxus Pharmaceutical developed a product allowing to temporarily alter the chromosome pairs of a person. It allows the Y chromosome in males to be temporarily dormant while duplicating the X chromosome, thus transforming a male into a female. Another product simulates a Y chromosome in a female to temporarily transform her into a male. The effects last 1 or 2 days.

Terraforming is the act of transforming a barren planet into one that can support human life. This includes converting the atmosphere into one breathable by humans, creating water sources and soil where plants can grow. NASA started terraforming the moon, Mars as well as 2 moons of Jupiter. We should be able to have colonies on those places in about 2 years.

“Honey, I got a new job in the marketing department. The pay is a lot less, but they have cupcakes on Fridays.”

“Boss, Simmons is looking at me!”

“Mr. Vice-President, Peterson is making faces at me again!”

“Boss, can you go wipe McLauren. He’s in the third stall crying.”

“Linda in management is 2 years younger than me. I can lift her.”

“Boss, Lewis doesn’t want to share his stapler!”

“Boss, Matthew used the S word!”

“Great crayon presentation, O’Connor!”

“Don’t bug Claudia today, OK? She didn’t had her nap and she’s cranky.”

“This years, instead of a bonus, we have stickers for everybody!”

Who wants to do real science? Science is hard, you have to study for a long time, learn formulas and concepts, devise experiments, validate and analyze the results, write and publish in-depth articles explaining your research for peer review in science magazines, run, work in or deal with a lab as well as often apply for grants.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just get ALL your answers directly from ONE book? Instead of studying evolutionary biology, molecular biology, genetics, neurology, paleontology, archeology, geochronology, geology, geomorphology, climatology, astronomy, cosmology, physics or chemistry, as well as how to use machines such as a electron microscope or  mass spectrometer, you can just read clips of ONE book. Can’t get easier. That book contains ALL the answers. If you want, you can spend some time glancing over a science glossary just to have the gist of what the scientific words are in order to argue with those “scientist”.

Here are a few trick to make you a better creationist:

Argumentation & Methods

Start by general statements that give the impression that you have the answers relating to those statements, such as “Ever wondered where we come from, where we are going, and how you can be a better person?”

Always start with the conclusion, then find semi-relevant non-confirmed anecdotes to support your position. If you don’t, you might end up with a different conclusion. We all know there is only 1 conclusion possible: the Word of God.

Mix several disciplines and concepts into the general label “Evolution”, such as geology, geomorphology, abiogenesis, astronomy, physics, cosmology, evolutionary biology, genetics, paleontology, theory of evolution by natural selection, etc. You are also allowed to mix in gravity and naturalism.

Equate “evolution” and science in general with godlessness. Make the audience think that if they accept “evolution”, they are rejecting the Word of God and God Himself.

Use several logical techniques (called logical fallacies by our opponents) during arguments, such as moving the goal post, Ad hominem, argument from authority, Confusing association with causation, false dichotomy, strawmen attacks, etc. Those will help you achieve a point without having to give a full solid argument or show data supporting your position.

Conflate facts about evolution to give a different picture, no matter when those things were thought to be true. Bring back ideas from the 1800s along with discredited ideas from the 1950s to give the impression that “scientist” are in agreement with those ideas.

Insist that “scientist” are not agreeing, are divided, or even confused over their own theories.

Refute ANY claims that humans have things in common with animals, even if “scientists” demonstrate that our human biology is identical to the ones of animals. Play the emotional card. Ask the audience if they are monkeys.

Attack Charles Darwin’s character as “evolutionists” think he’s a god. Tell the audience he was a drunk and that he recanted his “theory” on his death bed. You do not need to worry about citing sources for these allegations.

When debating an “evolutionist”, use a technique called “surfacing”: quickly change topics and disciplines to avoid in-depth discussion on a single topic. It will give the audience the impression that you are confident and a master of many disciplines.

Call atheists, “Darwinists” and “evolutionists” a religion based on faith alone. Call the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection a fairy-tale. Insist that “scientists” have to “believe”.

Always use the popular meaning of the word “theory” to equate it with “hypothesis”, “idea” or “guess”.  Never use the word “theory” in its scientific meaning, which is an explanation or model based on observation, experimentation, and reasoning that has been tested and confirmed as a general principle helping to explain and predict natural phenomena. Repeat to the audience: “evolution is a theory, not a fact“. Do not go into details about the implications of that assertion for the natural world.

When confronted by “scientist” about our lack of experiments, cite a few experiments from our suggested list. Do not give details about who did the experiments, the data source, methodology, instrumentation & calibration, experiment replication or analysis. Focus solely on the conclusion. If they grill you on the absence of creationist paper published by mainstream scientific publications, invoke ostracism for our beliefs and scientific conspiracies.

When interviewed by mainstream media outlets, insist we only want fairness in classes. We want children to have an open mind about the different theories. When talking about Intelligent Design, do not talk about Creationism. That word is no longer in use as it has too much of a religion connotation. Intelligent Design sounds more modern and serious. Do not worry, it is only a name change, as all concepts and notions  of Creationism are still valid. Please change topics if someone from the media or a debater is asking about if other theories (such as the Flat Earth, Astrology, Alchemy, African Creation Myth, etc) should also be thought in science class.

Do not refer to yourself as an “Intelligent Designer” but as a “proponent of Intelligent Design” (of ID).

Data & Support

Often refer to your DVDs, seminars or blog. This will give you the instant credentials of implied deep research without having to explain if those are even relevant to the discussion.

Deny that any evidence has ever been found on topics such as the theory of evolution. Ignore the multiple example of transitional forms offered by “scientists”. Keep repeating that we have not found any evidence over and over.

Learn to deflect arguments by showing funny slides that are not related to the topic. For example, if a “scientist” talk about evolution, show a slide of a a rock, a monkey, and a grandmother and say: “So, you think that rock transformed into that monkey, then into Grandma?” Wait for applause and laugh from your uneducated crown.

Use irrelevant example to simulate the argumentative position of your opponent, such as: “I’ve never seen cats give birth to dog, have you?” Wait for cheers. Slay your audience by showing our venerable crocoduck image.

Do not engage “scientists” into in-depth debate using data. Data is NOT your friend. Refrain from using it.

Whenever you are using example, try to use folksy images, simple language — things regular folks can relate to, such as Grandpa, hunting, small numbers, etc.

Show drawing of people with dinosaur to illustrate your point. People will forget the complex topics and only remember those images. Graph are OK to show if they have only 1 curve, a large, simple title and seem to reinforce your position. Credits or data source are not welcomed.

Talk about the Creation Museum several times. If it’s in a museum, it MUST be true.

You can use the products of “science” such as microwaves, cell phones, MRI, X-Rays, HD TV, digital cameras, and your SUV, But remember, even if a principle is valid in making those things work, that principle is NOT valid if it contradicts The Bible. Radioactive decay is absolutely real and valid unless it is used to estimate the age of the Earth to more than 6,000 years old.

Use famous hoaxes, artist renditions and examples of rogue data to discredit entire science disciplines. Talk about a mammoth’s bones that was carton-dated thousand of years older than its skin. Do not cite source or the fact that no “real scientist” ever took them seriously.

Identity & Authority

Wear appropriate close to show you care about science, such as a dinosaur tie and a lab coat.

Boast your credentials but under NO circumstance, explain where you got your degree. “Scientists” tend to disparage your science degree from Church of Christ Rosary Evangelical Academy of Real Good Science. Referring to yourself as Dr. Dino or Chemist John is a good way to establish credentials. Equate teaching highschool science in a evangelical school of 23 students with being a real scientist.

When you say a big number, you MUST emphasize the first syllable by elongating it. It will enhance the incredulity factor by up to 350%. Do not emphasize the word Thousand,, as you don’t want people to think even that unit is out of reach and hard to imagine. For example:
“Scientist” say this fossil is 265 Milllllllions year old and the Earth if 4.5 Billllllllions year old.
We know from The Bible the Earth is 6 Thousand years old. (Do not say: “6 Thouuuuuuuusand years old”)

Remember, most people do not have even a basis understanding of science, so they will not be hard to convince if you appear to know more than them by using complex words. Many are intimidated and impressed by long, complex words. They also will not know if you barely know the definition of the long words you are using. They cannot differentiate between real and false credentials, cannot sort irrelevant facts from relevant ones, and cannot evaluate or compare ideas by applying critical thinking. Throw in big word such as “thermodynamic”, “irreducible complexity” and “punctual equilibrium” and you will appear like an expert.

Keep certain things as a last resort weapon, such as “Go mate with your monkey dad”, or “Burn in Hell!”

Good luck, good debate and God bless you!

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I am certain that humans have been designed the same way companies develop products:

Some useful features not included because they came too late.

Some obvious design flaws in the external reproductive system were rubberstamped because the team couldn’t meet their deadline and they had to rush approval.

Some useless parts were also added only because the mother-in-law of the head of the internal organs department wouldn’t leave them alone.

Some parts (now called vestigial) are the result of a bad copy and paste job.

The team released Human 0.2 Beta, thinking they would fix it later. Then, funding was cut and Human 0.2 Beta became the official release.

No updates were issued because no one planned an update platform to distribute the fixes.

Sales sold the project to the client as a product which would be perfect, without requiring improvements.

Management let go of the tech support team in early alpha phase.

Marketing created religions to promote the idea that their products was perfect.

Do you realize that the better you are at earning heaven, the closer you are to hell?

By choosing one religion and working hard or believing the right things, you just bought yourself tickets to all the other hells?

By choosing Christianity, you don’t follow the Torah (even if you are supposed to believe the whole book, which does include the Torah) so you go to hell. You also don’t follow the precepts included in the Quran, which sends you straight to Muslim hell. Sadly, it also means you might not even attain the first level of Mormon heaven.

One solution would be to act and believe everything, even things that are mutually exclusive. But a deity can probably know if you are faking it.

Another solution is to clone yourself and all have the same name and clothes. You have each one of you believe in a different religion. It is also crucial that you all die at the same time. One of you is bound to get it right so all of you can get a free pass to eternity in bliss. May religions talks about your name being in the Book of Heaven, so when they call you, you all stand up.

A third solution is to create your own afterlife. Don’t worry, yours is at least as plausible as all the other ones.

The NASA Jet Propulsion Lab recently presented its findings on a contract awarded in 2006 to develop a new wave for Queen of England Elizabeth II.

The Queen of England have to wave to peasants for extended periods of time and would have been at risk of developing royal carpal tunnel syndrome by maintaining that grueling amount of wave.

A team of 14 engineers worked for 18 months on a new hand wave that reduces air resistance, and energy consumption by up to 38%, Biomechanical and bioareodynamical tests were conducted in computer simulation and wind tunnel.

NASA is confident that these improvement will lead to more waves for the years to come.

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Are magical spells, psychic abilities, telepathy or telekinetic abilities real?

Although we see those things in books and movies, or hear stories about them, we have no credible evidence that any of those things are real.

No psychic was ever able to collect the 1 millions dollar prize from James Randi (http://www.randi.org/) by proving real psychic abilities or demonstrated it in controlled conditions. Ever.

Evidences are important and are the foundation of what we call reality.

The scientific method is comprised of the following steps:

1. Define the question
2. Gather information and resources (observe)
3. Form hypothesis
4. Perform experiment and collect data
5. Analyze data
6. Interpret data and draw conclusions that serve as a starting point for new hypothesis
7. Publish results
8. Retest (frequently done by other scientists)

For example, I can say that telepathy exists. Then, I can ask 20 self-proclaimed masters of telepathy to come in my lab. In this controlled environment, behind opaque dividers, I ask each one of them to tell me the word I just read. I compile the results and notice that none of the results are positive. I repeat that test 100 times with the same results. I then conclude that the test shows that those self-proclaimed masters of telepathy cannot do what they claim to do. I then publish my findings in a scientific magazine, where other scientists can analyze my method and my data, as well as reproduce my experiment.

If I had based my opinion on 1 or 2 positive anecdotes, without knowing the conditions of the telepathic readings, the clues the person gave to the psychic prior to the reading, the level of accuracy of the answers, the number of wrong answer that lead to the correct answer, I might think telepathy is real.

Whenever you wonder if something is real, dig deeper.

Hilda & Olga
Beauty Pageant Finalist & Contortionist Siamese Twins
Reception

Mr. Amazing
Illusionist
Sales

Hivanoe Brothers
Flying Trapeze Artists
Shipping

Ivan the Giant
Strongman
Collection

Imeldana The Nubian Princess
Expert Master Psychic Level 3
Accounting & Financial Planning

127 Umpalumpas
Jungle Lilliputians previously employed by Willy Wonka
Data Entry

Dr. Mysterio
All-around mysterious character that hides behind a curtain
President

If you believe in miracles, invisible or mythical creatures (such as angels, demons, ghosts, etc) or magic, the following jobs are actually believable:

Unicorn Wrangler

They do pack a punch in that little magical body! Leave it to professionals to tame the unicorn you got for Christmas!

Ectoplasm Janitor

These things do leave a mess

Divine Assurance Adjuster

The “ask and you shall receive” is just the beginning. With so many loopholes, hidden clauses and secret exemptions, this professional come in handy when you have a complaint about a prayer that went wrong.

Gnome Psychologist

These little guys have problems too, you know.

Chimera Veterinarian

With such a complex anatomy resulting of their double-DNA, they cannot be trusted to your run-of-the-mill cryptozoovet.

Asgard Real Estate Agent

Asgard is a big crowded place with some premium lots left. Ask your local Asgard real estate agent for a condo near Thor’s Garden and you won’t be disappointed!

Ghost Psychotherapist

Scaring people can get hard on the moral, even for invisible hosts.

Wizard Personel Agency

You have all those powers, but no job where you can fulfill your magical dream? Search no more!

Dragon Groomer

Even those beasts need a pedicure once in a while and those scales don’t polish themselves mister!

• The Skull Crusher
• The Impaler
• The Bowel Shaker
• The Regurgitater (previously called the Vominator)
• The Diaper Experience
• Barfie 2
• Odd Puddle
• The Projectile Lunch
• The Widow Maker 4
• The Blender of Doom
• Fun Trap of Death
• Izzie Dizzy
• Ad Nausea
• Chunky Soup Mansion

Aphrodisiacs are used since the dawn of time. It is a huge market, particularly in China, for some reasons.

Did you ever stop and think about HOW people found out some substances make them horny?

Some of them might have been eaten as part of a regular meal — chocolate, asparagus or oysters for example. Then the guy noticed that his pants were tighter than usual and that he wanted to jump the farm girl.

Some of them are herbs. We could imagine indigenous guys walking in the forest, very hungry. They pick up some leaves or some foul smelling roots and chew them. Then, BOUM!, full erection!

Some other popular aphrodisiacs could NOT have been tested by accident. Someone walks with a lab coat and a clipboard, and sample everything on the whole planet, then note the effect in their pants it seems. Here are few:
 
Spanish Fly: the dried, crushed body of the green blister beetle known as Cantharis Vesicatoria. I won’t even ask how the first guy found out about this one.
 
Rhinoceros Horn: used by some tribes in Northern India. It is said to make men sexually unstoppable. Unfortunately, the “horny” play on word only works in English, unless the “horn” and “horny” are both “naboualabito’hah” in Sanskrit.
 
Tiger Penis: A much revered as an aphrodisiac in China, Taiwan and South Korea. A Tiger Penis soup is sold for up to $350 per bowl. Who is the first guy who thought: let’s catch a tiger, cut-off his pecker, chew on it for a while, then try with the old lady to see if we notice a difference?
 
Powdered Reindeer Antlers: How would guys in Asia know that the reindeers possess a strong aphrodisiac in their antlers, but only when you grind them up?

Since guys take obviously anything to get aroused, what about selling them things we have too much of, like Northern Ontario Black Flies, Powered Rat’s Tails, Fried Pigeon Livers or Cockroach  Tea?

Katapult
You sit 6 feet from the waiter, who shoots food at you using a mini-catapult. Your job is to catch your dinner with your mouth — or go hungry. Customers are asked to dress in white to enhance the effect.

Floaterz
The restaurant is a large pool; customers and waiters are in small aluminum rafts; lifeguards have shotguns. The pool is filled with sharks, electric eels and piranhas. Don’t drop your plate or put your hands in the water… Only for adrenalin freak gourmets.

Stiltz
Customers are on stilts and are eating on 12 feet high tables; waiters are on tall unicycles. The crashes of stilts, unicycles and food are a thing of beauty!

We often think of elitism as relating only to knowledge or money. This “us vs them” superiority complex can be found in several areas:

• Money Snob: people with less money just didn’t work hard enough.
• Nationalist: your country is better then other countries.
• Racist: your race is the superior one. The others races just don’t seem to get it.
• Sexist: the gender you belong to is superior. Period.
• Music Snob: your musical tastes place you into a higher league. You despise what is popular or playing on the radio.
• Movie Snob: The blockbusters are not for you. Your acute sense of aesthetics make you prefer a black and white Swedish documentary about a midlife crisis over the latest Hollywood popular hit. You look down on people who like action movies.
• Technology Snob: your choices of technology define you as superior to the mass (your computer’s operating system, your speakers’ brand, etc). You are willing to pay 4 times more for a specific brand, even if people tell you they are all made from the same parts.
• Clothes/accessories Snob: This Gucci purse or that Armani suit sets you apart from the crowd of the Wal-Mart slobs.
• Car Snob: Your BMW or Audi is not JUST a transportation device; it defines you as a person.
• Drink Snob: the wine you drink clearly makes you more sophisticated. The price is an indication of the content and he level of refinement of the person drinking it.
• Education Snob: the school you went to not only gave you better knowledge, connections and overall intellectual growth, it also made you a better human — a superior one.
• Book Snob: the classics you read raised the bar of your intellect to such a level that you look down on the Cro-Magnons who cannot quote Plato.
• Worship / Afterlife Snob: the brand of religion you chose makes you purer or more righteous and eventually holder of a better afterlife plan than most people.
• Adrenaline Snob: You don’t understand why those wusses don’t all base jump, backyard wrestle or street luge on the week-end.

Which of those groups are you part of?

1. Sleep walking. Open window. Flying lessons!
2. Zombies with loaded shotguns. Run fast!
3. Crowded Train. Start Chainsaw. Peaceful Ride!
4. Boring meeting. Snake in briefcase. Entertainment!
5. Tiny car. Huge van. Flying car!

Speed Reminiscing
Who has time to talk to people now? One room, 20 old school friends, 3 minutes total. Make it quick.
— Remember when…
— Oh yeah, I do!
— Good to see you. Bye!

Power Spelling
Looking for a good way to use your ADD? The game is to spell 2 or 3 words at the same time, by alternating one letter for each word.

 Micro Twittering
If 140 characters are too many for you, try MicroTwitter: only 3 characters! On the upside, you’ll probably do less typos.

 Live Facebook
With the new Facebook headgear containing a webcam, you can now record and post your whole life realtime.

• Smelling and feeling freshly bleached white bed sheets
• Smelling freshly cut grass
• Visiting the bookstore
• Feeling of warm coffee in the morning
• Giggling from a crazy idea I just had
• Seeing my kids asleep
• Hearing my kids’ laugh
• Hearing my kids explain scientific processes
• A night of boardgames with friends
• Perfecting another Karate technique
• Talking with my wife in the den while the kids play
• Sharing an inside joke with my wife
• Drawing with my kids
• Watching a cool B-movie
• Admiring nature: variety of clouds, fractal shapes of trees…
• Writing

What are yours?

Jason the Jargonaute
Created jargon by leveraging a multi-tier paradigm win-win non-verbal architecture.

Ming Sui Lu
Created the shy giggle in 4500 BC. She become rich after collecting royalties from her invention over the rest of her life.

Alexander Josephus Ebrahim Del Continuum il Tenaranik III
Created the first acronym in 1839.

Orrggh
Developed the angry look called “evil eye” in 6.9 million BC after his friend Baarr hit him on the head with a stone.

Gontran Monparnasse
Creator of the unibrow. He patented his creation and become millionaire when it became trendy in the 1920s.

Mary Wollworthe
Invented the fluffy clouds in 1756 using a steam machine, an ice box and a fan.

John Whyte
Invented the atom in 1926. 12 years later, he went on to invent gravity, daylight and magnetism. He is often credited to have created the first shadow.

1. Vodka. Driving recklessly again. Splattered wall. 
2. New pants. Red wine. Cleanup required. 
3. Loud neighbor. Rusty axe. Silence finally… 
4. Mission to Venus. Sexy Creatures appear. 
5. Mission to Mars. No such luck. 
6. Mission to Mercury. Helmets melting. Mistake!

1. Paint your face and hands a slight lime green color. Put a diffuse black light in your collar and cuffs, as to produce a ghostly effect.
2. Talk only in Morse code.
3. Include tons of biblical references when you talk, quote prophets and mention something about God’s wrath if the others don’t agree with your ideas.
4. Before the meeting, hide speakers. Then, during the meeting, play whispered rude comments about people attending and other coworkers.
5. Talk in an unusually high-pitched voice, laugh too loud and sound like a sheep while doing so.
6. Bring far too many objects at the table and set them up in front of you. Include pictures of your family, several coffee cups, 3 laptops, tons of wires, 11 stress balls, decorative cartoon figurines, and a few hats.
7. Place a picture frame of your dog in front of you and pretend to be on the verge of crying the whole meeting.
8. Hire 5 or 6 homeless people, dress them in a suits and sit them among the executives. Agree with what they say with enthusiasm.
9. Every time someone is talking, roll your eyes, make a snorting sound, shake your head and place your forehead in your palms.
10. Loudly compliment people on the wrong things: “Wow Kathy, I love how tight your skirt is! It really shows your ass!”, “Goddamn it Albert, I wish I’d be as sweaty as you!”.

Thor High is a college preparatory school dedicated to the highest academic standards for the development of moral character, the enrichment of spiritual lives, and the perpetuation of growth in Norse ideals.
Statement of Faith
To ensure the perpetuation of these basic concepts, it is resolved by the founders of the school that all those who become associated with Thor High must believe and publicly acknowledge his belief in the divine inspiration of the Eddas and the Heimskringla, that Odin created the world out of nothing, that Thor our Lord and Savior is the preexistent Son of Odin and was born of Jörd, a virgin, that He died to pay the price of the sins of all people, that He was bodily resurrected from the grave, and that, by repentance and acceptance of and belief in Him, by Odin’s grace, the individual is saved to abundant and eternal life in Valhalla located in Asgaard, in the presence and power of the nine worlds. It is further resolved that the teachings of this school shall never deviate from the above principles.
Curriculum
Under the constant guidance of our core values (courage, force, vengeance and patience), students will learn the beliefs, art and crafts of the great Norse People, as created by Odin.Courses include:

• Poems, Tales and Songs
• Advanced Navigation
• Agriculture Techniques and Soil Science
• Weapon Making
• Pillaging 101
• Fur & Metal: Fashion of the Gods

If you do believe in God, please take a few moment and answer as honestly as you can. You can also post a comment and let me know.

1. Your parent told you so and you never questioned them.
2. Your family, friends and community believe, so do you.
3. You simply feel it in your heart.
4. You are afraid of what would happened if you don’t (hell or God’s anger).
5. You want the reward (eternal life in heaven).
6. You want to meet your deceased loved ones again at some point.
7. It feels good to think someone is watching over you.
8. You believe that it helps you with hope, happiness, etc through answers to your prayers.
9. It is the only option that gives order to your reality; that explains the human presence, the human consciousness, as well as the physical reality.
10. You studied, analyzed and compared all viable options (theistic and non-theistic) and came to the conclusion that God exist, He is the only God, things written or commonly accepted about Him are true and it is in your interest to believe in Him, as well as to follow his commands as written in your translation of the Bible.

Welcome to the new Wildlife Wrestling Federation, where pandas wrestle koalas, bears wrestle gerbils and lemurs wrestle possums.

Only on Pay-per-View!

Don’t be fooled by regular run-of-the-mill Master Psychics. We offer reading that are 79% more accurate than Master Psychics*, sound 87% more mysterious and have a much more impressive name.

Other psychics will tell you “you will meet someone tall” — we can tell their driver’s license number, shoe size and bank account security access code.

As far as you know, we are not using the methods other psychics are using, such as the shotgun approach, rapid-fire, fishing for answers, or body-language readings. We only use 100% pure natural cold-pressed virgin psychic energy from the rainforest.

Come see us today! We’ll both feel better about our future.

* based on our own estimate. Results may vary and are guaranteed 100%, except when it applies to fact-checking, inquiries or follow-ups. Do not take internally. Not recommended to carbon-based life forms. Not suitable for advice on any action. Not responsible for expectation, hopes or lack of results.

Insect and Invertebrate Psychologist
When your ant colony starts to behave erratically or when your grubs seem depressed, it’s time to call the Insect and Invertebrate Psychologist. Your insects will resume their tasks orderly and your invertebrates will crawl happily again with what will seem to be a tiny smile, guaranteed or your money back!

Insect Taxidermist
Your favorite flea died and you want to preserve it in all its glory? The Insect Taxidermist can help. You will be able to proudly display your beloved flea on your mantle piece for years to come.

Pet Tattoo Artist
Want your Poodle to look more effeminate with a rose on its butt? Wish your hamster would look meaner with a barbwire on its tiny biceps? Wait no more! You can now give your pet the gift of ink!

Larva Fashion Designer
It’s not because you’re half an inch long and live underground that you have to look frumpy! Those adorable larvae can now accessorize like a socialite!

Business
Paradigm Leverage Symbiotic Two-Tier Reorganization Diploma from the Jarnonex Business Institute.

General
Masters in Partial Questioning from the Trivial Pursuit Casual Knowledge Center.

New Age
Passive Reflective Non-Committal Certificate of Existing from the Still Water Academy of Intemporal Arts.

Medical
Associate Doctorate in Cosmetic Cerebral Enhancement from the Happy Clown Travelling School of Neuro Surgery.

New Age
Diploma in Holistic Telluric Current Usage in Ectoplasm Rebirthing from the Center for the Karmic Multiverses.

Scientific
PH.D. in Large-Scale Terraforming from the Interstellar Academy of Planetary Rejuvenation.

Pretend the world is fair.
Invent magical forces to protect me.
Create an ultimate reward and punishment so I behave.
Filter what comes to my eyes and ears.
Protect me from the evil straw men.
Tell me what I like.
Show me what I’m supposed to look like.
Comfort me with made-up results.
Punish someone so I feel safe.
Restrict me and call it security.
Enslave me but make it ok by showing me worse elsewhere.
Empower me with placebos.
Hide the strings so I don’t feel manipulated.
Lie to me.
Please Lie to Me.

What is the appropriate behavior for a clown?

1. How much groping can he get away with?
2. Is a clown on LSD funnier than a clown on crack?
3. Can he make lewd comments to the female audience?
4. Can he make sexual objects with balloons?
5. Can he ramble to kids for 20 minutes on US foreign policies in Iraq?
6. Are extremely crude racist jokes ok if said by his puppet?
7. Can 2 clowns fake explicit acts on stage?
8. Can he swear if he adds “arooni” at the end of the swear word?

What is the appropriate dress code for a clown?

1. Are dangling extremities ok to show if painted?
2. How much blood is too much on a clown’s face?
3. Can he carry a shotgun?
4. Can he get clown makeup tattooed on his face to save time?
5. Can he wear crotchless pants?
   

Surviving means to overcome life-threatening dangers and stay alive.
You can only say you survived a hay ride if it’s on fire going down a cliff, and you don’t die.

Unlike the TV show, where the harshest things contestants have to survive to are lame activities and deceptive mind games from annoying competitors, the REAL Survivor goes a bit further in testing the human spirit. Here are a few deadly activities that would amusing to watch for the hard-to-please audience:

1. Chased by 50 skilled tribesmen with blow guns, contestants wearing only a red Speedo hop with their feet bound and try to capture the flag, while trying to avoid the poison darts.
2. Naked and covered in BBQ sauce, contestants have to take meat away from the lions, then eat as much as possible of that raw meat while running full speed toward the save zone, 2 km away.
3. Contestants carrying uncooked ground beef in their bathing suit have to cross a river full of piranhas. The first to reach the other side wins immunity. Whoever is still alive goes to the next round.

Nothing fuming to pick up from the carpet.
No midnight rumble with a plastic bag.
No chewed shoes because you’re bored.
No hairy cushions left behind.
No forced walk in the cold with a wrapped dangling gift.
No clumping litter to change, ever.
No piling vet, psychologist and psychic bills
No seasonal mermaid calls at 3am.
No embarrassing knit sweater to buy.

Only quiet contemplation.
Only silent approval.
And a monthly dusting seance.

You are the perfect pet, my glass hippo.

Circulon, master of flowy Aikido, circular sweeps and roundhouse kicks, is his best when cirled by the ennemy. He fights crime with his brothers Squarex, Triangulor and Ovoloid.

Their arch-enemy, Free-Form Sam, tries to input irregular thoughts in their heads with The Pattern, a virus conceived by his head scientist, Geomitrus.

Several options are even more glamorous to break bones than doing drunken breakdancing in your bathtub or slipping in your icy driveway with your arms full of grocery bags. When backyard wrestling is not available in your neighborhood, you can try:

BASE Jumping
BASE stands for Building, Antenna, Span & Earth. It means jumping from a tall building, a tall antenna, a tall bridge of a tall cliff. I’m saying tall because your parachute might have a problem opening from a 37 foot cliff. A full body cast for 2 years is not as cool as a 45 second perfect fall with a smooth landing, posted on Youtube. BASE Jumping can be made more exciting by putting a lead suit and jumping over a busy highway during a hurricane.

Street Luge
The idea here is to lay down on an oversized skateboard and go down a steep street. One version of this sport is to wear a special suit with a wheel on every joint of your body, so you can change position while going full speed toward a certain death.
   
Train Hopping
If you want to feel like a hero in an action film, there is nothing better then to jump on the roof of a running train. The potential for joyful life-threatening injuries are endless! To make things more fun, you should wear roller blades and a wingsuit during that activity.

Group Blindfolded Sumo Wrestling
One regular guy is covered with HP sauce and is thrown in a cage with 12 starving blindfolded sumos. The longevity record is 42 seconds.

The basic assumptions are the general guidelines that colour every ideas you have about your reality.

1. Is life fair?
2. Is there a benevolent force that will make things fair at some point? (reward the good and punish the bad)
3. Are humans the jewel of creation or rather a fortunate accident?
4. Are people basically good?
5. Is science obscure and evil?
6. Is magic and the supernatural real?
7. Is anything possible, even the most fantastic claims?
8. Are there powerful but secretive groups with evil agenda?
9. Is what you see on TV or read in newspaper truthful?
10. Can you get a good grasp on reality based on your senses and your intellect?
11. Is reality limited to what you can measure, analyse and reproduce?

Answers to questions like these will determine how people interpret the world based on the same facts, but arrive to totally different conclusions.